(목요모임) [14 Jun. 2018]Thursday meeting topic

[주영이]

Topic1) How to Complain Less

Written by joshua becker · 120 Comments

“You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.” —Tom Wilson

Life is not perfect. It never has been and never will be. This is not bad news. In fact, once we begin to embrace this reality, we welcome a great number of possibilities. Life is never perfect. We know this to be true.

Why then, do we continue to complain about its imperfections?

We complain about the weather, the traffic, and the weeds in our yard. We complain about tight clothing, misplaced keys, late airplanes, and the price of gasoline. We complain about our jobs or our lack of jobs. We complain about nosy neighbors, crying babies, ungrateful teenagers, and lazy spouses. We have become a society too quick to complain.

Complaining is almost never a positive reaction to our circumstance. (tweet that)

There are times, of course, when notifying someone of an injustice is good and proper. But most of the time, we express feelings of pain, dissatisfaction, or resentment simply because it is our natural response.

But this response ought to be reconsidered in our lives because it is rarely healthy. In fact, there are many negative outcomes to this reaction. Complaining feeds and breeds a negative response. Additionally,

• It fosters a negative attitude. Complaining draws our attention to the negative aspects and circumstance around us. And focusing on the negatives always brings about greater negativity. Complaining never results in joy—it only sinks us deeper into our misery.
• It negatively impacts those around us. Complaints spread negativity. By focusing on and drawing attention to the problems and discomforts around us, we direct other people towards it too. Misery loves company.
• It doesn’t change our circumstance. Taking action does. But complaining words by themselves do not.
• It disqualifies the value of discomfort in our lives. Discomfort—both physical and emotional—can have profound benefit for our lives. There are countless life lessons that can only be learned by embracing discomfort: patience and perseverance just to mention a few. Become OK with discomfort. You’ll be glad you did.
• It is highly unattractive. It is unenjoyable to spend time around people who constantly highlight the negatives. And not only unattractive, the self-centered emphasis of complaining can be annoying as well.
• It leaves us in victim-mode. One of the greatest obstacles to lasting change is blame. And complaining finds its foundation almost entirely in blame.

On the other hand, there are numerous benefits to complaining less. It shifts our focus to the positive. It allows gratitude to take root. And cheerfulness can be an excellent beautifier.

How then, might we begin to overcome the habit of complaining? First, admit lifestyle changes can take time. And then, consider adopting some of these helpful steps below.

How to Complain Less.

1. Consider the importance of adopting the change. Many of us complain only because we have never considered the alternative. We have never been alerted to its harmful effects—both in us and around us. We never considered there may be a better way. But when given the choice, most of us would prefer to give life rather than drain life with our words. Determine to do just that.

2. Embrace the recognition of an imperfect world. Life is not always going to serve up what we would like (or even expect) at every turn. There will be trouble, trial, and pain. Again, this is okay. And the sooner we stop holding out for a world that revolves around us, the sooner we can embrace the fact that our contribution is far more needed than our pleasure. Discomfort should not surprise us—and we are not the only ones experiencing it.

3. Understand the difference between helpful criticism and complaint. There are times when it is entirely appropriate to raise attention to a wrong being committed. This can be helpful and should never be discouraged. Decipher if the situation can and should be resolved. If not, there is a good chance our complaints have no real interest in dialogue, problem solving, or human connection. And in that case, they should be avoided.

4. Be mindful of your audience. Are you speaking to someone who can help solve the problem or has a vested interest in bringing about a resolution? If so, use problem-solving language. If not, tread lightly. If you must continue, preface your complaint with impact-reducing language. For example, beginning with “Can I just vent for a minute or two?” may be all you need to orient yourself and your listener toward your purpose and be helpful in reminding yourself to keep it brief.

5. Avoid beginning conversations with a complaint. Take notice of how often we initiate conversations with a complaint. Often times, even subconsciously, this tactic is used because it garners a heightened response. Remove it from your arsenal. And try spreading some cheer with your opening line instead.

6. Refuse to complain for the sake of validation. Sometimes our complaints are used to validate our worth to others. “I’m so busy,” is a good example. We often say it as a means to subtly communicate our importance. Don’t seek to impress others with your complaints. That strategy won’t gain you any friends in the long run anyway.

7. Notice your triggers. Is there a specific time period of the day you tend to complain more than others? Morning, evening, or late afternoon? When your spouse is home? When you are drinking coffee or lunch with your friends? Maybe it is around the water cooler with your co-workers? Take notice. Then, avoid triggers if possible. If they cannot be avoided, make a point to be extra vigilent when you see them arise.

8. Embrace the idea of experimentation. Setting a goal of “never, ever complaining again” may be counter-productive. Instead, try designating a short period of time where you can be particularly mindful. For example, decide to go just one day without complaining. This shorter time period will allow you to concentrate more fully on your goal. The shortened, experimental time frame will foster increased sensitivity.

Mindless complaining serves little purpose in our lives. It fosters displeasure, spreads negativity, and sparks conflict. We’d live happier without it. Moving forward, let’s recognize and embrace the positive instead.

1)	What kinds of things do you complain about?
2)	When was the last time you complained about something?
3)	Have you ever written a letter or e-mail of complaint?
4)	Do you like complaining?
5)	What is your complaining style – polite or aggressive?
6)	How often do you complain to yourself in public?
7)	Do you think complaining relieves stress?
8)	Do you like to watch when other people complain?
9)	Have you ever got a better service after you’ve complained?
10)	Why might people complain about you?

Topic by 수잔나

Topic 2) How to Say No to People (And Still Be Nice)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/susie-moore/how-to-say-no-to-people-and-still-be-nice_b_9178734.html

Much of the fun in life is saying yes to stuff -- parties, dating, working out, work itself, shopping, brunch, online research, social media ... the list is endless. Sometimes these things are extremely useful, valuable and satisfying. Our spirit knows when this is the case, as we feel refreshed, content and rewarded. It makes us happy -- like the time we have coffee with the friend we adore, the yoga class we take where we love the flow and really stretch ourselves, or the day we take a staycation and find a fantastic book store or restaurant.

Then there's the rest of the crap we do. This "stuff" often isn't useful or valuable, and instead of feeling satisfied, we're left feeling neutral, indifferent, even hollow.

Picture an awesome day you had in your life. I bet it included people you love, an activity you love, or both. Sometimes, in the day-to-day of doing "stuff," we lose sight of the valuable and confuse it with the non-valuable. We say yes to things that don't necessarily serve us, connect with people who take our energy rather than energize us, and spend hours of our precious time doing things out of habit or to please others.

When we attach perspective to time, our time on the planet, we remember that time is more than precious. For this reason, time is one of my favorite topics. It's a completely nonrenewable resource, and when used and planned correctly, it's our friend, not our enemy (how often do we hear people say. "I don't have time"? That is enemy-talk).

There are two sayings I love about time: "Time we enjoy wasting isn't wasted time," and, "We say we are wasting time, but we are really wasting ourselves."

Paradoxically, these both make perfect sense. "Wasting time" with a loved one lying in the park reliving memories is a wonderful use of time if it serves you and feeds your soul. Trawling through tweets or Facebook pictures or online shopping sites for hours with no purpose is a waste of you. You know what's a good use of time based on how you feel doing it and how you feel afterward.

Here are five tips for scaling down and making the best use of your precious time:

1. Before accepting an invitation, think, "Am I genuinely excited or looking forward to this?" If yes, go for it! If you're not certain, say you will let the person know. If not, politely decline. A simple, "thank you so much for the invite, so sorry I can't make it" will suffice.

2. When there are many things going on, breathe, take a moment, and let your intuition decide what makes most sense. Yoga or brunch? Movie with a friend or two hours spent on your blog? We all have 24 hours in a day -- you know the best ways to spend yours.

3. If you feel bored or restless -- before you succumb to Facebook or scrolling your contacts for someone to call, think, "What do I feel I never have time to do that I could use this time for?"

4. Enjoy your down time. It's in the quiet, white space that many creative ideas and answers come to us. Enjoy "wasting time" being with an important person: you!

5. Remember the golden rule -- don't prioritize your schedule, schedule your priorities.

Time is your friend and it is on your side. Take good care of it, and it will take care of you.

Questions

1. What is your usual response when someone asks you to do something?

2. What do you usually do when you feel restless or bored?

3. What do you think is the best way to decline and still nice?

Topic 3) I’ll sleep when I’m dead

http://www.economist.com/news/international/21690042-working-through-night-probably-shortens-your-life-ill-sleep-when-im-dead

WORKING all night to answer American phone calls does not sound healthy. “You’re seated much of the time, and then you binge on junk food,” says Jose Mari Mercado, head of the main outsourcing association in the Philippines. Call-centre workers try to catch up on lost sleep during the day, but often fail, and then flop at the end of the week.

New research suggests that night work is very unhealthy indeed. One study found that the longer nurses in South Korea had worked the night shift, the more likely they were to be obese. Another study of retired car workers in China, found that shift work was associated with high blood pressure and diabetes. A French study in 2014 found that ten years of shift work was associated with cognitive decline equivalent to an extra six-and-a-half years of ageing.

People who work at night suffer in two ways, says Derk-Jan Dijk of the University of Surrey. First, a new schedule throws the body’s “circadian clock”—the inbuilt mechanism that regulates waking and sleeping—out of alignment. Night workers eat when their bodies are not ready for food and try to sleep when they are not tired. That leads to the second problem: night-shift workers simply do not sleep enough.

It is hard to know whether sleep disruption or exhaustion causes ill-health—or both together. A link between night work and type 2 diabetes, for example, might be because eating at the wrong times leads to more free fatty acids or because exhausted people eat more, or even because it can be hard to get wholesome food in the middle of the night.

In theory, night workers could avoid health problems by completely switching to a night-time schedule. But weekends, social obligations and sunlight make that impossible for most. Mr Dijk says the only people who seem to manage it are shift workers on offshore oil rigs, who labor in windowless rooms and do not take weekends off. But they suffer from jet lag when they return home.

Questions

1. How often do you do night work? How does it affect your health?

2. Which do you prefer, morning shift or evening shift and why?

3. How do you manage your work when you are completely overwhelmed or exhausted?

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