December 10th, 2004 A Crappy Life But..

[-Sassy-]

December 10^th, 2004 A Crappy Life But..

It’s pity that I can write diary only once a week.  I was very busy last week, and next week will be even more hectic.  But thank you God, Christmas break is coming.  Then I’ll be able to write more often, my beloved members.

It seems like last time, I wrote about how I hate Geography.  Funny, I have to talk about it again – but with the much sadder tone of my voice.  I wrote the test on last Thursday.  I screwed it up.  I was ready.  I studied my ass off.  I knew I was in a good shape and even was dreaming about getting one hundred percent.  Guess what I got.  81/89.  Change it into percentage if you want, but I don’t want to say it so clearly again; it reminds me of it again, and I hate it.  I made this stupid mistake, and pitifully, this mistake is related to three minor things.  That must have cost me 3 %.  

This time, I tell you I studied, but it was my worst test ever.  Do you know what I mean?  I got better marks when I was damn worried and nervous like hell before I wrote those darn things.  I talked about this in front of my friends at school and one of them was like, “Lucky you, now you don’t have to study! HAHAHA!”

Jackass…

I almost punched him in his ridiculously ugly face. 

All my efforts ended up with nothing.  Right now, I’m a senior.  One percent matters.  And you know. These days, I’m being all petty.  There is this friend.  My closest friend, I should say.  She took some grade 12 courses last year, but obviously, she didn’t do very good, so she’s taking two of them all over again.  One is Math, and the other one is Chemistry.  With a special permission, she doesn’t go into Math class and doesn’t even do the homework.  So she studies the old notes, goes into classes if she needs them, writes tests, and use the class hours to study other stuffs.  In Chemistry, she doesn’t have to listen to the teacher, but apparently, she has to put away less effort onto the damn difficult stuff.  I’m not saying this to convince you to think that is unfair.  My point is, none of those things mattered to me in the beginning of the semester, but now, those matter to me.  Rather, those things are suffocating me, I should say because every single minute, I think about it.  Whenever I screwed up any test, and whenever she proudly tells me how well she did on tests, I couldn’t help thinking that this is not a fair competition in my pursuit to justify myself and my ranking going downwards.  Last year, I was the second from the top by the decimal difference with the top.  Right now, I bet I’m third.  Oh well, maybe even lower than that because of the Geo test.  Man, that’s really bothering me.

It’s not only the marks that are depressing me.  Yes, they are very depressing.  Especially, whenever I think about scholarship and university and all that, they do kill me.   But the thing that really makes me sad is that I, Janet Yu, have to be worried when my best friend comes to me with a big smile talking about how she excelled her last test.  I smile in front of her, but deep down in my heart, I’m worried at the same time.  When she asks me questions about information regarding tests, the few minutes of hesitance of words coming out of my mouth are the most painful moments for me.  She may not recognize it, but I do.  Or she may have already known that, but she may be hiding that from me like I hide my feelings because I don’t want to lose her. 

Today, both of us were very sensitive.  We hardly said anything to each other because this was not a condition in which one person can console the other.  It could be only worse, but never better.  But after such a long day, for some reason, we just hugged.  It was not led by one of us, but something inside of us mutually made me think exactly the same thing at the same time, and we knew we had to do it because that was the only way to save our relationship until next Monday. 

I might have lost fucking 3 % on the last Geography test.  Silly of me, it was my entire fault.  I had to be more careful with distribution of time.  I mustn’t have been that nervous.  But what I wanted to say is that I certainly lost some marks, but I am not losing my damn good friend.  We are different, and I know that so well.  So far, I’ve met hundreds of different types of friends who I thought about getting really close.  But I gave up after trying for a while because of differences.  Exhausted, I went back to my style of making friends.  That certain type, which I can’t even contact right now.  But you know what, this time is going to be different.  You believe me when I tell you this.  This time, I don’t give up.  You see, that’s the thing.  With this girl, I keep going.  Even if I have to change some parts of me, I’ll do it only if I can keep her.  I know the changes can’t be nothing but positive ones because it’s her.  I never tried to change myself for my friends; it was always them, who had to change.  They always did, even the most similar friends of mine, but in many cases, I didn’t notice until the last moment we broke up.  This is time for me to compromise.  Today, I lost one thing at school, you know the 3 %.  I was depressed all day long at school, but you know what, that might have cost me my life long friend because today she needed me too.  I could’ve been there for her, but I did.  I thought I needed consolation, but probably she needed it more badly than I did.  I ignored that.  What kind of friend am I?  Maybe I don’t even deserved to call myself a ‘friend.’  Maybe I didn’t.  But from now on, I do.  Because, Goddamn it, I’m going to change.  I ain’t gonna repeat the same mistakes over and over.  I’m not losing everything.