(목요모임) [11 July 2019]Thursday meeting topic

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• 11,581 viewsJun 14, 2017, 08:00am

  Six Bad Conversation Habits And How To Fix Them

  POST WRITTEN BY

  Shawn Kent Hayashi

  Shawn Kent Hayashi develops inspiring leaders and high performing teams as a consultant, coach and CEO of The Professional Development Group

  

  Shutterstock

  Many of the clients I work with are surprised to learn that it’s not what they’re saying that’s holding them back -- it’s often what they’re doing. Here are six common bad habits that undermine personal interactions:

  • Interrupting others

  • Rambling

  • Repeating the same ideas over and over in the same conversation

  • Talking over others

  • Being too verbose and taking over the conversation

  • Glancing at your mobile phone during conversations

  While these six habits take different forms, they’re all direct results of not listening.

  Think about it. If you’re interrupting others, you’re not interested in what they’re saying. You’re too much in your own head thinking about what you want to say.

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  If you’re rambling, you’re hoarding all the conversation time and not giving the other person an opportunity to speak. The same is true with talking over others and being too verbose. When you’re not making space in the conversation for the other person’s ideas and agenda, listening is impossible.

  If you’re glancing at your mobile phone, you’re signaling that you have more important things to do than listening.

  It’s important to develop awareness about why listening can be a challenge for some people. Many of my clients are verbal processors, so they prefer to talk things out to understand how they think and feel. As a result, some tend to dominate conversations. Others process information quickly and often think they know what the other person is going to say before they say it. The need for speed makes these fast thinkers impatient and prone to the habit of interrupting.

  Forbes Coaches Council is an invitation-only community for leading business and career coaches. Do I qualify?

  So what’s the solution to overcoming these six bad conversation habits?

  Resolve to become a better listener. Raise your awareness about the behaviors that are undermining your personal interactions and eliminate them one by one using these techniques:

  1. Be upfront about how you communicate. If you’re a verbal processor, explain to people who are more introverted that you have a need to talk to things out before you know where you stand on an issue. If you want people to talk in bullet points instead of paragraphs, let them know about your preference.

  2. Commit to the conversation. This sounds simple and easy, but in these days of endless multitasking, people need to be reminded to stay present in conversations. First, get your mobile phone off the table and out of the way. Consciously slow down your mind and make sure your body language communicates that you’re ready to listen. Throughout the conversation, maintain eye contact and tune into the body language, tone of voice, and the words being used by the speaker.

  3. Practice the pause. If you have a habit of interrupting others before they’re finished speaking, challenge yourself to count to five before you respond. This discipline will ensure that the other person has finished relaying their thoughts before you begin sharing yours. It also has the added benefit of giving the impression that you’re carefully reflecting on what they just said.

  4. Summarize what you heard, and ask questions. Confirm‎ that you understood what was said by repeating it: “What I’ve heard you saying is X, Y, Z. Have I heard you correctly?” Wait for a nod or verbal affirmation. Ask questions that do not have a judgmental tone, like “Interesting; can you tell me more?” Questions are useful for demonstrating that you are engaged in the conversation.

  5. Corral your thoughts. Use the pause to organize your own thoughts so you can speak succinctly. Listen to yourself and rein in your talking when you hear yourself repeating ideas. Get into the habit of stating your point, providing facts or details to support it, and then restating your point one last time. Then, intentionally stop yourself from doing more talking to give the other person a chance to respond.

  6. Use visual cues. Put an object that symbolizes your goal to become an effective listener on your desk as a reminder of your intention. On my desk, I have a pink crystal cut with many facets to remind me to listen to the many facets that someone has.

  7. Let others speak first. If you know you tend to be a conversation hog, let other people start with their agendas before moving to yours. This practice will guarantee that they get the time they need and, as time may be limited, will require you to be more focused in your communications. It may also be useful to track how much time you’re speaking in meetings so you can measure your progress in relinquishing the floor.

  Once you begin the process of intentionally improving your interpersonal interactions, consider asking team members if they’ve noticed any difference in your behavior. Asking the question creates awareness in others that you’re working to develop better communication habits; it also causes them to reflect on how you have changed for the better.

  My best advice for becoming an inspiring leader? Find ways to talk less and listen more. You’ll deepen your relationships, expand your influence and achieve the kind of results that will make you a stand-out performer.

• Questions!

• 1. What makes it easy to talk to someone?

• 2. What traits do you look for in a conversation partner?

• 3. Have you ever had a great conversation with a complete stranger?

  • What made it so great?
  • What did you talk about?
  • Where were you?
  • What do you talk about?
    
• 4. What is your role in a conversation?
  • Do you dominate?
  • Do you subordinate?

• 5. What are some bad traits you have in conversations?
6. Who communicates better: men or women?
• What makes their style better?
• What makes it worse?
• 7. Do you like to flirt?
• How do you flirt?
• What do you say?
• 8. What do people do that drives you crazy in a conversation?
• 9. How do you feel about blunt people?

• 10. Is there such a thing as being too honest? Explain.

How to Make a Life Plan

Co-authored by Paul Chernyak, LPC

Updated: June 28, 2019

Explore this ArticleDetermining Your PrioritiesCreating Your GoalsWriting Your PlanArticle SummaryQuestions & AnswersRelated ArticlesReferences

One of the characteristics of life is that it is constantly changing. When you are feeling adrift, or simply want to figure out what your priorities are, you may want to consider writing a life plan. The beauty of a life plan is that it can give a structure to your life while also changing and growing as you do.

Part1

Determining Your Priorities

1. 
   1
   Consider what roles you play in the present. Each day we play different roles, or give ourselves different labels through our actions. These roles can include things like ‘daughter’, ‘painter’, ‘student’, ‘girlfriend’, ‘lover of cheese’, etc. Create a list on a piece of paper. Which do you think are the most consistent roles?^[1]

   • Examples of other roles include (but are certainly not limited to): chef, dog lover, brother, photographer, boss, mentor, traveler, grandchild, thinker, etc.
2. 
   2
   Think about the roles that you want to play in your future. Some, if not all, of your roles from the present might be the same roles you want to play in your future, such as ‘mother’ or ‘painter’. However, these roles are the nouns that you would want someone to use to describe you at the end of your life. Think about any of the roles you are playing the present that are stressing you out or causing a negative impact on your life--perhaps those are roles you would like to cross from your list in the future.

   • To help you form your list, think about things that you hope to do. Do you want to travel to another country because you’ve never left your home state? If so, ‘traveler’ would be added to the future list.
3. 
   3
   Consider the reasons you play, or want to play, these roles. To create a life plan, you need to decide what your priorities are at this moment in time. To do this, consider the roles that you want to continue playing, or those you want to add to your life in the future. What is the reason you want to play a certain role? Maybe you have ‘father’ written on your future goals because you want to have children with your partner and give them an amazing life.

   • A helpful way to figure out the reasons behind your desires is to imagine your own funeral (while this is a morbid thing to do, it really does help!) Who would be in attendance? What you want people to say about you or describe you as? Perhaps the most important things you would want someone to say is that you were an amazing mother and changed the lives of thousands of animals through the organization you volunteered with.
4. 
   4
   Write down your priorities. Once you have really considered the why behind the things you want to be and do in your life, make a list of them. Making a list will help you to stay organized when coming up with your plan.

   • For example, you list might include: am ‘sister’ because I always want to be there to support my brother; want to be ‘writer’ so I can write down my grandparents’ story, etc.
   • You could also try writing your own eulogy. Think about what you would want people to remember about you and your life if you died tomorrow. This can greatly help you in figuring out your priorities.
5. 
   5
   Think about your physical, emotional, and financial needs. What will you need to be the person you want to be? If one of the roles you want to play is ‘climber of Everest’, your physical needs might include staying fit and eating well. If one your roles is ‘friend’, your emotional needs might be met by surrounding yourself with loving people. If one of your financial goals is 'business owner,' challenge yourself to brainstorm business ideas and start coming up with business plans.^[2]
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Part2

Creating Your Goals

1. 
   1
   Consider what goals you want to accomplish during your lifetime. Use your roles, priorities, and needs to help you solidify some things you want to achieve. Think of this list as your ‘bucket list’--what do you want to do before you die? Remember, these are the goals you really want to achieve, not the goals you think others want you to have. If you need some extra help narrowing down your ideas, consider putting your goals into categories. Some example categories include:^[3]

   • Career/Vocation; Social (family and friends); Finances; Health; Travel; Knowledge/Intellect; and Spirituality.
   • Example goals (according to the order of categories): Become a renowned architect; get married and have two kids; make enough money to comfortably send my children to college; maintain a weight of 120 pounds; visit every continent; earn my master's degree in Architecture; visit Borobudur Buddhist temple.
2. 
   2
   Write down some specific goals with specific dates to achieve each goal by.Once you have outlined the vague goals that you want to have in your life, such as earn your Masters, set out some defined goals and the dates that you want to reach them by. Here are some defined goals that are less vague than the ones written in the previous step:^[4]

   • Lose 10 pounds by June of 2014.
   • Be accepted to master's degrees programs in architecture by April 2015.
   • Travel to Indonesia to visit the Borobudur temple in 2016.
3. 
   3
   Figure out how you will accomplish your goals. This means assessing where you are right now. What steps are you going to need to do actually reach your goal from where you stand in the present moment. For instance, to continue with the goal of getting a Master’s in Architecture:

   • From now until April 2015, you will need to: A. Research graduate architecture programs. B. Write any necessary documents for the program’s application. C. Fill out the rest of the application and submit it to the proper authorities. D. Wait to hear back from the schools. E. Pick the program that you want to attend the programs that accepted you. F. Enroll!
   • Think about any potential people and resources that you can use to help you achieve your goals. If you know someone you know works in an industry you want to get into, for example, reach out to them and ask them to mentor you.

Part3

Writing Your Plan

1. 
   1
   Write down the steps you will need to take to reach each of your goals. You can do this in any format you like--handwrite it, type it in a Word document, print it on a large sheet, etc. Whatever format you choose to use, write the steps you will need to take to achieve each of your goals in chronological order. Congratulations--you have just written out your life plan.^[5]

   • This is a good time to review the details of each step--like the names of the specific graduate programs you are going to apply to. Or, if one of your goals is simply to be happy, write out the details of what will make you most happy along the way.
2. 
   2
   Review your life plan. One fact of life is that it always changes--and so do we. The goals and priorities that you had when you were 15 are probably not the same as the goals you will have when you are 25 or 45. It is important to review your life plan every so often to make sure that you are following a plan that will truly give you a happy and satisfactory life.

   • When you review your life plan, also assess the successes that you have achieve so far. It is good to keep track of your accomplishments.
3. 
   3
   Adjust your life plan. When you do find that your priorities and the goals associated with those priorities have changed, it's time to rewrite at least part of your life plan. Consider what is different, what is more important to you now, and how you will achieve this new goal. Rewrite your life plan as much as you need to.

   • Don’t limit yourself to a certain number of goals--your life plan is a fluid thing. Add goals as they become priorities in your life and remove those that aren’t as important anymore.
   • Failure at some points in your plan is inevitable. That doesn't mean it has to derail everything. Consider options and actions for when failure occurs. How you deal with setbacks can be the difference in whether or not you achieve your goals.

Questions:

1. Do you plan your life in detail, or do you prefer not to make plans? Why?
2. What long-term plans do you have? Think about the next few years or even further.
3. What short-term plans do you have? For this month? For this year?
4. Are you a spontaneous person? What kind of things do you do suddenly?
5. Do you often make impulse purchases, or do you only buy what you plan to buy?
6. Do you ever have a plan B, for when something goes wrong with plan A? Give an example if you can.
7. Failing to plan is planning to fail. Discuss this idea.
8. No matter how much you plan, things may go wrong. Have your plans ever gone terribly wrong? What happened?
9. Do you always share your plans with other people? What kind of plans do people keep secret? Why don’t they want to tell other people what they are planning?
10. John Lennon sang, “life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans.” What do you think he meant?
11. Have you ever planned a party, wedding, or other event? How well did the event go?
12. Are you following a career plan? What is the next step in your career plan?
13. Do you have financial plans? How important is it to plan your financial future?
14. Have you planned for your retirement? At what age should someone seriously plan their life after working?
15. When you travel, do you plan where you will go, what you will see, and what you will eat? On the other hand, do you prefer to take each day as it comes?
16. What do you use to help you plan? A smart phone application? Computer software? A pen and paper?
17. Did you have any plans when you were younger that you gave up on? What went wrong?
18. Do you have any plans that you feel you will never complete? Why do you hold onto them?