PART 3 // chapter 1-3

[모나리자]

그러니 집으로 돌아오세요! 하지만 집주인은 불가능해요. 저는 괜찮지만 당신은 불가능해요. 그녀는 당신을 데려가지 않을 거예요. 그녀는... 그녀는 바보예요... 그녀는 아브도티아 로마노브나 때문에 질투할 거예요. 그리고 당신도요, 알고 싶다면... 아브도티아 로마노브나에 대해서요. 그녀는 절대적으로, 절대적으로 책임을 질 수 없는 인물이에요! 하지만 저도 바보예요!... 상관없어요! 어서 와요! 저를 믿으세요? 어서, 저를 믿으세요, 믿지 않으세요?" "가자, 어머니." 아브도티아 로마노브나가 말했다. "그는 약속한 대로 할 거예요. 그는 이미 로디아를 구했고, 의사가 정말로 여기서 밤을 보내는 데 동의한다면, 무엇이 더 좋을까요?"

"보시다시피, 당신은... 당신은... 저를 이해해요. 당신은 천사니까요!" 라주미힌이 황홀경에 빠져 소리쳤다. "가자! 나스타샤! 위층으로 날아가서 그와 함께 불을 켜고 앉아. 15분 후에 올게요." 풀케리아 알렉산드로브나는 완전히 확신하지는 못했지만 더 이상 저항하지 않았습니다. 라주미힌은 두 사람에게 팔을 내밀고 그들을 계단 아래로 끌어내렸습니다. 그는 여전히 그녀를 불안하게 만들었습니다. 그는 유능하고 상냥한 사람인 듯, 그가 약속을 지킬 수 있을까요? 그는 그런 상태인 듯했습니다... "아, 내가 그런 상태라고 생각하는군요!" 라주미힌은 그녀의 생각을 가로채서 추측했습니다. 그는 보도를 따라 큰 걸음으로 걸어갔기 때문에 두 여인은 그를 따라잡기 힘들었습니다. 그러나 그는 그 사실을 알지 못했습니다.

"말도 안 돼! 그게... 나는 바보처럼 취했지만 그게 아니야. 나는 술에 취한 게 아니야. 너를 보고 고개를 돌렸어... 하지만 신경 쓰지 마! 신경 쓰지 마: 나는 말도 안 되는 소리를 하고 있어, 나는 너에게 합당하지 않아... 나는 너에게 전혀 합당하지 않아! 너를 집으로 데려가는 순간, 여기 홈통에 물통 두 개를 머리에 붓고 나면 괜찮을 거야... 네가 내가 너희 둘을 얼마나 사랑하는지 알았으면 좋겠어! 웃지 말고 화내지 마! 누구에게든 화를 낼 수는 있지만, 나한테는 화를 내지 마! 나는 그의 친구니까 네 친구이기도 해, 되고 싶어... 예감이 들었어... 작년에 순간이 있었어... 사실 예감은 아니었지만, 네가 하늘에서 떨어진 것 같았거든. 그리고 밤새 잠을 잘 수 없을 것 같아... 조시모프는 얼마 전에 미칠까 봐 두려워했어... 그러니까 짜증내면 안 돼." "뭐라고?" 어머니가 소리쳤다.

"의사가 정말 그렇게 말했어?" 아브도티아 로마노브나가 놀라서 물었다. "네, 하지만 그렇지 않아, 조금도. 약을 좀 주었어, 가루를. 내가 봤어, 그러고 나서 네가 여기로 오는 거야... 아! 내일 왔으면 더 좋았을 텐데. 우리가 떠난 건 다행이야. 그리고 한 시간 후면 조시모프가 직접 모든 일에 대해 보고할 거야. 그는 취하지 않았어! 그리고 나도 취하지 않을 거야... 그리고 왜 내가 그렇게 긴장하게 되었지? 그들이 나를 논쟁에 끌어들였기 때문이야, 젠장! 나는 결코 논쟁하지 않겠다고 맹세했어! 그들은 정말 쓰레기 같은 말을 해! 나는 거의 싸움을 벌일 뻔했어! 나는 삼촌을 재판장으로 내버려 두었어. 그들은 개인주의가 전혀 없다고 주장하는데, 그게 바로 그들이 즐기는 거야! 그들 자신이 되는 게 아니라, 그들이 할 수 있는 한 그들답지 않게 되는 거야.

그것이 그들이 발전의 최고 지점이라고 여기는 거야. 그들의 헛소리가 그들만의 것이기만 했다면, 하지만 지금처럼..."

"들어봐!" 풀케리아 알렉산드로브나가 소심하게 말을 가로채었지만, 그것은 불길에 기름을 부었을 뿐이야. "어떻게 생각해?" 라주미힌이 그 어느 때보다 더 큰 소리로 소리쳤다. "내가 그들이 헛소리를 한다고 공격한다고 생각해? 전혀 아니야!" 나는 그들이 헛소리를 하는 것을 좋아한다. 그것은 인간이 창조물 전체에 대해 가진 유일한 특권이다. 오류를 통해 진실에 도달한다! 나는 실수를 하기 때문에 사람이다! 당신은 열네 번, 아마도 백열네 번 실수를 하지 않고는 진실에 도달할 수 없다. 그리고 그 나름대로 훌륭한 일이기도 하다. 하지만 우리는 스스로 실수를 할 수도 없다! 헛소리를 하되, 당신 자신의 헛소리를 하면, 나는 당신에게 키스할 것이다. 자신의 방식으로 잘못하는 것이 다른 사람의 방식으로 올바르게 하는 것보다 낫다.

첫 번째 경우에는 당신이 사람이고, 두 번째 경우에는 새와 다를 바 없다. 진실은 당신에게서 벗어나지 못할 것이지만, 삶은 좁아질 수 있다. 예가 있었다. 그리고 우리는 지금 무엇을 하고 있는가? 과학, 개발, 사고,

발명, 이상, 목표, 자유주의, 판단, 경험, 그리고 모든 것, 모든 것, 모든 것, 우리는 여전히 학교의 예비반에 있다. 우리는 다른 사람의 생각으로 사는 것을 선호한다. 그것이 우리에게 익숙한 것이다! 내가 옳은가, 내가 옳은가?” 라주미힌이 소리치며 두 여인의 손을 꼭 잡고 흔들었다. "맙소사, 저는 모르겠어요." 불쌍한 풀케리아 알렉산드로브나가 소리쳤다.

"그래, 그래... 하지만 나는 모든 면에서 너와 동의하지 않아." 아브도티아 로마노브나가 진지하게 덧붙이자, 그는 그녀의 손을 너무 고통스럽게 꽉 쥐었기 때문에 즉시 외쳤다. "그래, 네가 그렇다고 했지... 글쎄, 그 후에 네가... 네가..." 그는 흥분해서 소리쳤다. "너는 선함, 순수함, 감각... 그리고 완벽함의 원천이야. 네 손을 줘... 너도 내게 줘! 여기서 네 손에 키스하고 싶어, 내 무릎에..." 그리고 그는 다행히도 그때는 사람이 없는 포장도로에 무릎을 꿇었다.

"그만해, 부탁인데, 뭐 하는 거야?" 풀케리아 알렉산드로브나가 크게 괴로워하며 외쳤다. "일어나, 일어나!" 두냐가 웃으며 말했지만, 그녀 역시 화가 났다. "내가 네 손에 키스하게 해주기 전까지는 아무것도 안 할 거야! 그게 다야! 그만! 일어나서 계속하자! 나는 불운한 바보야, 나는 너에게 합당하지 않고 취했어... 그리고 나는 부끄러워... 나는 너를 사랑할 자격이 없지만, 너에게 경의를 표하는 것은 완벽한 짐승이 아닌 모든 사람의 의무야!

그리고 나는 경의를 표했어... 여기 네 숙소가 있고, 그것만으로도 로디아가 네 표트르 페트로비치를 몰아낸 것이 옳았어... 그가 어떻게 감히! 그가 어떻게 감히 너를 그런 숙소에 두었니! 스캔들이야! 여기 사람들이 어떤 사람들을 받아들이는지 알아? 그리고 너는 그의 약혼자야! 네가 그의 약혼자야? 그래? 그럼, 내가 말해 줄게, 네 약혼자는 사기꾼이야." "실례합니다, 라주미힌 씨, 잊고 계시네요..." 풀케리아 알렉산드로브나가 말을 시작했다.

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So come home then! But the landlady is out of the question; it’s all right for me, but it’s out of the question for you: she wouldn’t take you, for she’s... for she’s a fool... She’d be jealous on my account of Avdotya Romanovna and of you, too, if you want to know... of Avdotya Romanovna certainly. She is an absolutely, absolutely unaccountable character! But I am a fool, too!... No matter! Come along! Do you trust me? Come, do you trust me or not?” “Let us go, mother,” said Avdotya Romanovna, “he will certainly do what he has promised. He has saved Rodya already, and if the doctor really will consent to spend the night here, what could be better?”

“You see, you... you... understand me, because you are an angel!” Razumihin cried in ecstasy, “let us go! Nastasya! Fly upstairs and sit with him with a light; I’ll come in a quarter of an hour.” Though Pulcheria Alexandrovna was not perfectly convinced, she made no further resistance. Razumihin gave an arm to each and drew them down the stairs. He still made her uneasy, as though he was competent and good-natured, was he capable of carrying out his promise? He seemed in such a condition.... “Ah, I see you think I am in such a condition!” Razumihin broke in upon her thoughts, guessing them, as he strolled along the pavement with huge steps, so that the two ladies could hardly keep up with him, a fact he did not observe, however.

“Nonsense! That is... I am drunk like a fool, but that’s not it; I am not drunk from wine. It’s seeing you has turned my head... But don’t mind me! Don’t take any notice: I am talking nonsense, I am not worthy of you.... I am utterly unworthy of you! The minute I’ve taken you home, I’ll pour a couple of pailfuls of water over my head in the gutter here, and then I shall be all right.... If only you knew how I love you both! Don’t laugh, and don’t be angry! You may be angry with anyone, but not with me! I am his friend, and therefore I am your friend, too, I want to be... I had a presentiment... Last year there was a moment... though it wasn’t a presentiment really, for you seem to have fallen from heaven. And I expect I shan’t sleep all night... Zossimov was afraid a little time ago that he would go mad... that’s why he mustn’t be irritated.” “What do you say?” cried the mother.

“Did the doctor really say that?” asked Avdotya Romanovna, alarmed. “Yes, but it’s not so, not a bit of it. He gave him some medicine, a powder, I saw it, and then your coming here.... Ah! It would have been better if you had come to-morrow. It’s a good thing we went away. And in an hour Zossimov himself will report to you about everything. He is not drunk! And I shan’t be drunk.... And what made me get so tight? Because they got me into an argument, damn them! I’ve sworn never to argue! They talk such trash! I almost came to blows! I’ve left my uncle to preside. Would you believe, they insist on complete absence of individualism and that’s just what they relish! Not to be themselves, to be as unlike themselves as they can.

That’s what they regard as the highest point of progress. If only their nonsense were their own, but as it is...”

“Listen!” Pulcheria Alexandrovna interrupted timidly, but it only added fuel to the flames. “What do you think?” shouted Razumihin, louder than ever, “you think I am attacking them for talking nonsense? Not a bit! I like them to talk nonsense. That’s man’s one privilege over all creation. Through error you come to the truth! I am a man because I err! You never reach any truth without making fourteen mistakes and very likely a hundred and fourteen. And a fine thing, too, in its way; but we can’t even make mistakes on our own account! Talk nonsense, but talk your own nonsense, and I’ll kiss you for it. To go wrong in one’s own way is better than to go right in someone else’s.

In the first case you are a man, in the second you’re no better than a bird. Truth won’t escape you, but life can be cramped. There have been examples. And what are we doing now? In science, development, thought,

invention, ideals, aims, liberalism, judgment, experience and everything, everything, everything, we are still in the preparatory class at school. We prefer to live on other people’s ideas, it’s what we are used to! Am I right, am I right?” cried Razumihin, pressing and shaking the two ladies’ hands. “Oh, mercy, I do not know,” cried poor Pulcheria Alexandrovna.

“Yes, yes... though I don’t agree with you in everything,” added Avdotya Romanovna earnestly and at once uttered a cry, for he squeezed her hand so painfully. “Yes, you say yes... well after that you... you...” he cried in a transport, “you are a fount of goodness, purity, sense... and perfection. Give me your hand... you give me yours, too! I want to kiss your hands here at once, on my knees...” and he fell on his knees on the pavement, fortunately at that time deserted.

“Leave off, I entreat you, what are you doing?” Pulcheria Alexandrovna cried, greatly distressed. “Get up, get up!” said Dounia laughing, though she, too, was upset. “Not for anything till you let me kiss your hands! That’s it! Enough! I get up and we’ll go on! I am a luckless fool, I am unworthy of you and drunk... and I am ashamed.... I am not worthy to love you, but to do homage to you is the duty of every man who is not a perfect beast!

And I’ve done homage.... Here are your lodgings, and for that alone Rodya was right in driving your Pyotr Petrovitch away.... How dare he! how dare he put you in such lodgings! It’s a scandal! Do you know the sort of people they take in here? And you his betrothed! You are his betrothed? Yes? Well, then, I’ll tell you, your fiancé is a scoundrel.” “Excuse me, Mr. Razumihin, you are forgetting...” Pulcheria Alexandrovna was beginning.