|
우리 형편을
덜 심각하게 여기기
영어 이야기 2306
manageable
[mǽnidʒəbl]
처리하기 쉬운
조작하기 쉬운
한국의 저출산은 우리의
미래를 불안하게 한다.
노동력 부족은 (특히 한국인 대부분이 고급 인력이 되려고 하기에) 심각한 상태를 넘어
국가 존폐의 위기에
처할 수도 있다.
그래서 요즈음 부족한 노동력 해결책으로 '이민청' 설립도
추진되고 있다는 생각도 든다.
이민자의 천국인 아메리카는
많은 외국의 이민자를 받는 것은 '불법체류자'도
거의 눈감아 주고 (?)
있다는 의심까지 든다.
소위 그 나라의 주류인
백인들은 험하고 수입 낮은 일은 꺼려하면서 외국 이민자들(특히 중남미 국가들 출신)
에게 그런 일을 시키는
경우가 흔하다.
Hard and lower income jobs are evaded by Caucasians but MANAGEABLE by immigrants especially from Mexico.
힘들고 임금이 낮은 직업들은
백인들에게 외면 당하지만,
이민자들 특히 멕시코에서
온 사람들에 의해
처리되고 있다.
나 자신의 건강에 대한 얘기를 하면서 오늘의 주제어인
manageable 을
공유하고 싶다.
Since I have
MANAGEABLE health problem, it doesn't really matter.
내가 건강 문제를 잘
대처하기 때문에,
그것이 진짜 문제가
되지 않는다.
(나의 병이 대수롭지 않다는 것이 아니라, 거의 중병이어도 죽음에 대한 두려움이나 삶에 대한 아쉬움 없이.. )
그런 생각을 하다가
이런 글을 읽었다.
Breaking down larger challenges into smaller, MANAGEABLE steps can make the situation seem less overwhelming.
커다란 (심각한) 도전을
작은 것으로 내려잡으면,
다룰 수있는 과정들이
처해있는 형편이 견디기
쉽게 보인다.
(Psychology Today, December 3, 2023)
우리 부부 얘기....
My wife would like to have her hair permed so that she can make
her hair more NANAGEABLE.
내 아내는 그녀의 머리 손질을
편리하게 할 수 있도록
머리를 '파마'하기를 바란다.
What kind of work has been more MANAGEABLE
in your life?
당신의 삶에서 어떤 종류의
일 (또는 일들)이 훨씬 다루기 쉬웠는가...?!
California Eureka
압도적인2. 굉장한3. 너무도4. 견디기 어려운
Jeffrey Bernstein Ph.D.
Liking the Child You Love
PARENTING
Work together to set realistic and achievable short-term goals.
Breaking down larger challenges into smaller, manageable steps can make the situation seem less overwhelming.
5 Words to Avoid Saying to a Struggling Adult Child
When parental pressure fuels denial and other self-destructive behaviors.
The bag is somewhat heavy, but manageable.
She permed her hair to make it more manageable.
Let's chare the workload to make it more manageable.
"The schedule was busy, but it was still manageable."
The workload for this week is heavy, but manageable.
"they moved to a house of a more manageable size
Once you start to tick off your checklist it will seem much more manageable.
Start small and start with something that is manageable like a set of earrings
That's complex, but it's manageable.
We must find an effective and manageable solution to that problem.
Updated December 3, 2023
Reviewed by Kaja Perina
Share on FacebookShare
Share on TwitterTweet
Share on LinkedInShare
Share via EmailEmail
Work together to set realistic and achievable short-term goals.
Breaking down larger challenges into smaller, manageable steps can make the situation seem less overwhelming.
KEY POINTS
If you have manageable health problems it doesn't really matter.
Pressuring a struggling adult child negatively impacts their well-being and the relationship with them.
The fear of failure may hinder an adult child's ability to focus and follow through in their endeavors.
Communicating with a struggling adult child about their situation requires sensitivity and empathy.
I recently wrote a post about 4 Words Every Struggling Adult Child Needs To Hear, which seemed to resonate with readers. Those words, by the way, were "I believe in you."
This current post looks at the other side of communication. That is, what adult children don't want to hear
By this, I mean how pressuring a struggling adult child can have several negative impacts on their well-being and your relationship with them.
article continues after advertisement
Let's consider Jerry, who requested I coach him on how to better connect with his adult son, Will, age 32.
For context, Will had failed out of three colleges and was having a hard time sticking with any type of job. Will also had a strong belief that the only thing that helped him manage his anxiety was weed, which he was overusing.
Jerry was understandably anxious about Will's ability to make it on his own and become independent.
Jerry viewed himself as a "representative of reality" and was struggling to understand why his five-word question: "What is your game plan?" was so offputting to Will.
There are similar pressuring questions (while not having the same 5 words, they may have a similar negative impact) that parents may unwittingly ask their adult children when they are floundering. These include:
"So, when are you going to get a job?"
How long do you plan to avoid facing the real world?
"When are you going to get a job in your field?"
"Why haven't you applied for a higher-level job?"
"Why did you choose that career path?"
"Look at [peer's or sibling's name], they are doing so well. So, what about you?"
Based on my coaching experiences with concerned parents, they usually ask these pressuring questions as a result of their anxiety, concern, love, or a desire (expressed clumsily) to understand their adult children's lives better.
Let's now take a closer look at the negative impacts of these types of pressuring questions.
article continues after advertisement
7 Negative Consequences of Pressuring Your Struggling Adult Child
1. Increased Stress and Anxiety. Pressure can lead to increased stress and anxiety for the struggling adult child.
The pressure to meet certain expectations or perform at a certain level can be overwhelming, making it difficult for them to cope with the challenges they are already facing.
The son of one parent I coach told her, "You think you're trying to get me to realize I need to be independent.
But, seriously you just scare the crap out of me every time you bring up how I am wasting my life away."
2. Strained Relationship. As I further explain in my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, frequent parental pressure can strain the relationship between the adult child and the parent applying the pressure. This leads to adult children feeling misunderstood or unaccepted, leading to resentment and distance in the relationship.
For obvious reasons, I maintain that understanding our children can be even more crucial than the love we try to give them.
THE BASICS
A Parent's Role
Find a family counsellor near me
3. Negative Mental Health Effects.
The persistent pressure to succeed can contribute to negative mental health effects, such as depression or low self-esteem.
Many adult children have shared with me how feeling like they are not meeting expectations leads to them having a sense of failure and inadequacy.
article continues after advertisement
4. Reduced Motivation and Performance. Think about how productive you feel when someone forcefully tells you what to do.
Reflecting on how you truly feel when being told what to do, please realize that excessive pressure from parents can lead to adult children having reduced motivation and performance.
The fear of failure or disappointing others may create a mental block, hindering an adult child's ability to focus and follow through in their endeavors.
PARENTING ESSENTIAL READS
What Children Need Most From Their Parents Isn't Love
When Gentle Parenting Doesn't Work
5. Impact on Decision-Making.
Excessive pressure from parents can negatively influence adult children in their decision-making.
I have heard many unhappy adult children describe picking jobs, training programs, colleges, and even career paths that they deeply regretted because "I was trying to please my parents."
That is, when adult children feel pressured, they may make choices based on external expectations rather than their values and interests, potentially leading to dissatisfaction and a sense of disconnection from their true self.
6. Impaired Self-Esteem. Frequent pressure from parents can erode self-esteem, causing the struggling adult child to doubt their abilities and worth.
Adult children who are told by their parents that, "You should...." results in them feeling another word that begins with "sh". That word is "shame."
This can have long-lasting effects on their confidence and self-image.
article continues after advertisement
7. Resentment and Rebellion. Feeling pressured may lead to feelings of resentment, and in some cases, rebellion.
I have seen many adult children resist this pressure by engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors.
These include routinely sleeping in late, problematically using substances, and developing a lifestyle of lying and denial that are counterproductive or even harmful.
Now that we've looked at what does not work well, let's look at how you can have a supportive voice that helps your adult child feel validated versus cornered.
Helpful Ways for Parents to Express Support
It's important to approach adult children facing challenges with empathy and support rather than pressure.
Open communication, understanding, and encouragement can be more effective in helping them navigate difficulties and work toward positive change.
If necessary, seeking the guidance of mental health professionals can provide additional support and resources.
Communicating with a struggling adult child about their situation requires sensitivity and empathy. Instead of coming at them with questions such as "What is your game plan," which might sound directive or condescending, consider approaching the conversation with a supportive and collaborative mindset. Here are some tips:
Express Empathy. Start by expressing empathy and understanding. For example, "Lori, I am aware of the difficult challenges you're facing. Please hear that even though we may approach some things differently, I care about your well-being."
Create a Safe Space.
Ensure that conversations take place in a safe and non-judgmental space.
You might say, "Kevin how about we go for a walk together. I want to understand your perspective and explore how I can best communicate in a way that feels supportive versus judgmental or attacking."
Ask Open-Ended Questions. Instead of asking directly about their "game plan," ask open-ended questions that encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings. For example:
"How have you been feeling about your current situation?"
"What is going well and not so well given the challenges you're facing right now?"
Active Listening. Practicing active listening is hard for parents wracked with anxiety. Active listening involves not just hearing your adult child's words but also trying to understand their emotions and the underlying concerns.
Reflect on what you hear to show that you are engaged and understanding. You could even say,
"There is a part of me that wants to give you advice but I'd rather you get the things that are bothering you off your chest."
Avoid Judgments. I see many parents who have a hard time refraining from making judgments or giving
unsolicited advice.
Please remember, your goal is to understand your adult child's perspective and support them rather than imposing your ideas on what they should do.
While it is hard for all of us as parents, it is crucial that if we expose our values, we do so in a way that does not feel like we are imposing them.
You might say, "Even though we see some things differently, I value how open you are being with me. I am working to remind myself that we each may approach challenges similarly in some ways and differently in other ways."
Offer Support.
Let your adult child know that you are there to support them in whatever way they need.
This support may include emotional support, practical assistance (within reason), or helping them connect with resources.
Set Realistic Goals.
Work together to set realistic and achievable short-term goals.
Breaking down larger challenges into smaller, manageable steps can make the situation seem less overwhelming.
Final Thoughts
Remember, every adult child is different, and the approach may vary based on the specific circumstances and your relationship with your child. The key is to foster open communication and collaboration. In closing, please keep in mind that in over thirty-three years as a psychologist, I have never had an adult child complain that their parents expressed too much empathy to them.