Moshe Ratson MBA, MFT
The Wisdom of Anger
How to Defend Your Boundaries and Be Assertive
Clear boundaries and assertiveness are a powerful combination.
Posted December 18, 2023
Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
KEY POINTS
Boundaries set the standards for acceptable behavior from those around you.
Setting clear personal boundaries is key to achieving well-being and self-confidence.
Uncomfortable feelings help you reset your boundaries and restore your sense of self.
Bits And Splits/Shutterstock
Source: Bits And Splits/Shutterstock
A boundary is anything that marks a limit. In relationships, boundaries define where you end and another individual begins, how each of you relates to the other, and how you are connected—independence, dependence, or interdependence.
Setting clear personal boundaries is key to achieving well-being and self-confidence. Boundaries set the standards for acceptable behavior from those around you, defining when they’ve crossed a line, put you down, disrespected you, or taken advantage of you. When your boundaries are unclear or misplaced, you let in all sorts of unwanted stuff. Boundary violations include things like the following:
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Using another’s property without permission
Betraying trust and confidentiality
Making demands rather than requests
Treating another person in a patronizing or condescending manner
Manipulating others for your personal gain
Using aggressive (or passive-aggressive) language
Physical and emotional abuse
While psychological boundaries are mental constructs, they are as real as physical fences. Boundaries serve as your first line of self-defense. When we fail to set boundaries or hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. When you allow others to violate your boundaries, you give away your personal power, and this drains you mentally, physically, and emotionally. Your stress increases. You may be suffering from problematic boundaries if:
You feel like you are walking on eggshells.
You tend to do things you don’t really want to do.
You often feel disrespected by those close to you, such as your partner or your boss.
You find it challenging to speak up for yourself and express your feelings, thoughts, and needs.
You feel obligated to take care of others even at the expense of taking care of yourself.
You prefer to detach yourself from others because you are sensitive and afraid of being judged.
You feel a lot of guilt and believe that it’s wrong to prioritize yourself over others.
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Feel Your Emotions
Uncomfortable emotions can help you understand where your boundaries are and when they have been violated. Uncomfortable feelings present you with these questions:
What is going wrong?
What must be protected?
What must be restored?
The answers to these questions give you an immediate and honorable way to work with your feelings. They point toward actions that will help you reset your boundaries and restore your sense of self. When your boundaries have been violated, it is important to feel your feelings and process them. If you repress them, you may allow yourself to be manipulated, taken advantage of, or victimized. “Negative feelings” contain powerful information for you, as well as protective energy. If you don’t feel enough of them, or you don’t pay attention to them, you will struggle to set boundaries and guard yourself.
Practice Assertiveness
Practicing assertiveness is an important element of boundary setting. Assertiveness is the ability to express feelings and thoughts openly and to directly defend your rights while respecting the rights of others. It is about taking care of your own needs and wants while considering the needs and wants of others. It is the ability to take responsibility without being controlling. Assertiveness is the balanced space between surrender and aggressiveness.
Assertiveness is empowering. It manifests itself in healthy communication and behavior. It aligns your position with the person you aspire to be. Assertiveness skills are especially effective during angry situations and times of conflict. When you employ assertiveness elegantly, you give power not only to yourself but also to the people you interact with, and this promotes a win-win environment. You dramatically enhance your well-being, increase value, and influence others to gain positive results.
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