PART 3 // chapter 1-7

"여기에는 겸손, 형제, 침묵, 수줍음, 야만적인 미덕이 있습니다... 그런데 그녀는 한숨 쉬며 왁스처럼 녹아내립니다. 그냥 녹아내립니다! 그녀에게서 저를 구해 주세요, 모든 불경스러운 것으로! 그녀는 가장 매력적이에요... 갚을게요, 뭐든 할게..." 조시모프는 그 어느 때보다 격렬하게 웃었다. "글쎄요, 당신은 반했군요! 하지만 저는 그녀에게 무엇을 해야 할까요?" "별로 번거롭지 않을 거예요, 확신해요. 그녀 옆에 앉아서 이야기만 한다면 원하는 대로 욕설을 하세요. 당신도 의사잖아요. 그녀의 병을 고쳐 보세요. 후회하지 않을 거예요. 그녀는 피아노를 가지고 있고, 아시다시피 저는 약간 스트럼을 칩니다. 거기에 노래가 있어요. 진짜 러시아 노래예요. '나는 뜨거운 눈물을 흘렸다.' 그녀는 진짜 노래를 좋아해요. 글쎄요, 모든 것이 그 노래에서 시작되었어요. 이제 당신은 규칙적인 공연자, 메트르, 루빈스타인이 되었군요.... 후회하지 않을 거라고 장담합니다!" "하지만 그녀에게 뭔가 약속을 했나요? 뭔가 서명한 건가요? 결혼 약속인가요?" "아무것도, 아무것도, 그런 종류의 것은 전혀 없어요! 게다가 그녀는 전혀 그런 종류가 아니에요... 체바로프가 그걸 시도했어요..." "그럼, 그녀를 떨어뜨려!" "하지만 저는 그녀를 그렇게 떨어뜨릴 수 없어요!" "왜 못 하시나요?" "글쎄요, 저는 못해요, 그게 전부예요! 여기에는 매력의 요소가 있어요, 형님." "그럼 왜 그녀를 매료시켰어요?" "저는 그녀를 매료시키지 않았어요. 아마도 제 어리석음에 저도 매료되었을 거예요. 하지만 그녀는 당신이든 나든 상관없을 거예요. 누군가 그녀 옆에 앉아서 한숨을 쉬는 한.... 저는 그 위치를 설명할 수 없어요, 형님... 보세요, 당신은 수학에 능숙하고 지금 그걸 위해 노력하고 있어요... 그녀에게 적분을 가르치기 시작하세요; 내 영혼에, 농담이 아니야, 진심이야, 그녀에게도 똑같을 거야. 그녀는 당신을 바라보며 1년 내내 한숨을 쉬겠지. 나는 그녀와 프로이센 상원에 대해 이틀에 한 번씩 이야기했어(뭔가에 대해 이야기해야 하잖아).그녀는 그저 한숨을 쉬고 땀을 흘렸어!그리고 당신은 사랑에 대해 이야기해서는 안 돼.그녀는 히스테리에 부끄러워해.하지만 그녀에게 당신이 떠날 수 없다는 걸 보여줘.그걸로 충분해.무섭게 편안해.당신은 아주 집에 있는 것 같고, 책을 읽고, 앉고, 누워서, 글을 쓸 수 있어.조심한다면 키스도 할 수 있을 거야.""하지만 그녀에게 뭘 원해?""아, 이해시킬 수 없어! 보다시피, 너희는 서로를 위해 만들어졌어!나는 종종 너를 떠올리게 했어!... 결국에는 결국 해낼 거야! 그러니까 조만간이 중요한 거야?여기에는 깃털 침대 요소가 있어, 형님.아아! 그리고 그것만이 아니야!여기에는 매력이 있어—여기에는 세상의 끝, 정박지, 조용한 안식처, 지구의 배꼽, 세상의 기초인 세 마리의 물고기, 팬케이크의 정수, 짭짤한 생선파이, 저녁 사모바르, 부드러운 한숨과 따뜻한 숄, 그리고 잠들 수 있는 뜨거운 난로—마치 죽은 것처럼 아늑하지만 살아 있는—두 가지의 장점을 동시에 누릴 수 있어! 글쎄, 잠깐만, 형님, 무슨 소리야, 이제 잠자리에 들 시간인데! 들어봐. 나는 가끔 밤에 깨어나서 그를 보러 갈게. 하지만 그럴 필요 없어, 괜찮아. 걱정하지 마, 하지만 원한다면 한 번만 들여다볼 수도 있어. 하지만 섬망이든 열이든 뭔가를 눈치채면 즉시 날 깨워. 하지만 그럴 수는 없어..."  --------------------------------------------------------------- “Here you have modesty, brother, silence, bashfulness, a savage virtue... and yet she’s sighing and melting like wax, simply melting! Save me from her, by all that’s unholy! She’s most prepossessing... I’ll repay you, I’ll do anything....” Zossimov laughed more violently than ever. “Well, you are smitten! But what am I to do with her?” “It won’t be much trouble, I assure you. Talk any rot you like to her, as long as you sit by her and talk. You’re a doctor, too; try curing her of something. I swear you won’t regret it. She has a piano, and you know, I strum a little. I have a song there, a genuine Russian one: ‘I shed hot tears.’ She likes the genuine article—and well, it all began with that song; Now you’re a regular performer, a maître, a Rubinstein.... I assure you, you won’t regret it!”  “But have you made her some promise? Something signed? A promise of marriage, perhaps?” “Nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing of the kind! Besides she is not that sort at all.... Tchebarov tried that....” “Well then, drop her!” “But I can’t drop her like that!” “Why can’t you?” “Well, I can’t, that’s all about it! There’s an element of attraction here, brother.” “Then why have you fascinated her?” “I haven’t fascinated her; perhaps I was fascinated myself in my folly. But she won’t care a straw whether it’s you or I, so long as somebody sits beside her, sighing.... I can’t explain the position, brother... look here, you are good at mathematics, and working at it now... begin teaching her the integral calculus; upon my soul, I’m not joking, I’m in earnest, it’ll be just the same to her.  She will gaze at you and sigh for a whole year together. I talked to her once for two days at a time about the Prussian House of Lords (for one must talk of something)—she just sighed and perspired! And you mustn’t talk of love—she’s bashful to hysterics—but just let her see you can’t tear yourself away—that’s enough. It’s fearfully comfortable; you’re quite at home, you can read, sit, lie about, write. You may even venture on a kiss, if you’re careful.” “But what do I want with her?” “Ach, I can’t make you understand! You see, you are made for each other! I have often been reminded of you!... You’ll come to it in the end!  So does it matter whether it’s sooner or later? There’s the feather-bed element here, brother—ach! and not only that! There’s an attraction here—here you have the end of the world, an anchorage, a quiet haven, the navel of the earth, the three fishes that are the foundation of the world, the essence of pancakes, of savoury fish-pies, of the evening samovar, of soft sighs and warm shawls, and hot stoves to sleep on—as snug as though you were dead, and yet you’re alive—the advantages of both at once!  Well, hang it, brother, what stuff I’m talking, it’s bedtime! Listen. I sometimes wake up at night; so I’ll go in and look at him. But there’s no need, it’s all right. Don’t you worry yourself, yet if you like, you might just look in once, too. But if you notice anything—delirium or fever—wake me at once. But there can’t be....”