PART I // chapter 2-7

[모나리자]

그녀는 드레스가 하나도 없었어요... 전혀 없었지만, 마치 방문을 가는 것처럼 일어났어요. 그리고 그럴 일이 전혀 없었던 건 아니지만, 아무것도 없이 단정하게 차려입었고, 머리를 예쁘게 하고, 어떤 종류의 깨끗한 칼라와 커프스를 달았고, 그녀는 완전히 다른 사람이 되었고, 더 젊고 더 잘생겼어요.

내 사랑하는 소냐는 '당분간' 돈을 도왔을 뿐이에요. '너무 자주 당신을 보러 갈 수는 없어요. 아무도 보지 못할 때 어두워진 후에요.' 들리세요, 들리세요? 저녁 식사 후 낮잠을 자려고 누웠는데, 어떻게 생각하세요? 카테리나 이바노브나가 일주일 전에 우리 집주인 아말리아 표도로브나와 끝까지 다투었지만, 그녀는 그녀를 커피에 초대하는 것을 참을 수 없었어요.

두 시간 동안 그들은 앉아서 서로 속삭였다. ‘세묜 자하로비치가 다시 복무를 시작해서 봉급을 받고 있어요.’ 그녀가 말했다. ‘그는 각하께로 갔고 각하께서 직접 그에게 나와서 다른 사람들을 기다리게 한 다음, 세묜 자하로비치를 모든 사람보다 먼저 자기 서재로 인도했어요.’

알아요, 알아요? ‘물론이죠.’ 그가 말했다. ‘세묜 자하로비치, 당신의 지난 봉사를 기억하면서’ 그가 말했다. ‘그리고 당신이 그 어리석은 약점을 보이는 데도 불구하고, 지금 약속을 하셨고, 게다가 당신 없이는 우리가 제대로 지내지 못하고 있으니까요.’ (알아요, 알아요;) ‘그래서’ 그가 말했다.

‘저는 이제 신사로서 당신의 말씀을 믿습니다.’ 그리고 이 모든 것을 말씀드리자면, 그녀는 단순히 자신을 위해 변명했을 뿐이지, 그저 방탕해서가 아니라, 자랑하기 위해서가 아닙니다. 아니, 그녀는 모든 것을 스스로 믿고, 자신의 환상으로 자신을 즐겁게 합니다. 내 말을 믿고 그렇게 합니다! 그리고 나는 그녀를 비난하지 않는다, 아니,

나는 그녀를 비난하지 않는다!... 6일 전 내가 그녀에게 내 첫 수입을 전부 가져왔을 때 - 모두 합쳐서 23루블 40코펙 - 그녀는 나를 그녀의 인형이라고 불렀다: '인형', 그녀가 말했다, '내 작은 인형.'

그리고 우리가 혼자 있을 때, 알겠지? 당신은 나를 미인이라고 생각하지 않을 거고, 나를 남편으로 생각하지 않을 거잖아?... 글쎄, 그녀는 내 뺨을 꼬집었다, '내 작은 인형', 그녀가 말했다." 마르멜라도프는 말을 끊고 미소를 지으려고 했지만 갑자기 그의 턱이 꿈틀거리기 시작했다. 그러나 그는 자신을 참았다. 선술집, 그 남자의 타락한 모습, 건초 바지선에서 보낸 5박, 그리고 술병, 그리고 그의 아내와 아이들에 대한 이 가슴 아픈 사랑은 그의 청취자를 당황하게 했다.

라스콜니코프는 주의 깊게 들었지만 메스꺼운 감정이 들었다. 그는 자신이 여기 온 것이 짜증나는 것을 느꼈다. "존경하는 선생님, 존경하는 선생님," 마르멜라도프가 정신을 차리며 소리쳤다. "오, 선생님, 아마 이 모든 것이 다른 사람들과 마찬가지로 선생님께는 웃음거리로 보일지도 모르고, 아마도 저는 제 가정생활의 모든 사소한 세부 사항의 어리석음으로 선생님을 걱정시키고 있을 뿐일지도 모릅니다. 하지만 저에게는 웃음거리가 아닙니다. 저는 그것을 모두 느낄 수 있기 때문입니다... 그리고 제 인생의 그 하늘 같은 하루 종일, 그리고 그 저녁 내내 저는 어떻게 모든 것을 정리하고, 모든 아이들을 어떻게 옷을 입히고,

어떻게 그녀에게 휴식을 주고, 어떻게 제 딸을 불명예에서 구해내어 가족의 품으로 돌려보낼지에 대한 덧없는 꿈 속에서 시간을 보냈습니다.... 그리고 훨씬 더 많은 것들.... 충분히 변명할 수 있습니다, 선생님. 글쎄요, 그럼, 선생님" (마르멜라도프는 갑자기 깜짝 놀라 고개를 들고 듣는 사람을 뚫어지게 바라보았다) "글쎄요, 그 모든 꿈이 끝난 바로 다음 날, 즉 정확히 5일 전 저녁에, 마치 밤에 도둑이 하는 것처럼 교묘한 수법으로 카테리나 이바노브나에게서 그녀의 상자 열쇠를 훔쳤고, 내 수입의 남은 것을 꺼냈고, 얼마나 잊었는지, 그리고 이제 나를 보세요, 여러분 모두! 집을 떠난 지 5일째 되었어요.

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 She had not any dresses... none at all, but she got herself up as though she were going on a visit; and not that she’d anything to do it with, she smartened herself up with nothing at all, she’d done her hair nicely, put on a clean collar of some sort, cuffs, and there she was, quite a different person, she was younger and better looking.

Sonia, my little darling, had only helped with money ‘for the time,’ she said, ‘it won’t do for me to come and see you too often. After dark maybe when no one can see.’ Do you hear, do you hear? I lay down for a nap after dinner and what do you think: though Katerina Ivanovna had quarrelled to the last degree with our landlady Amalia Fyodorovna only a week before, she could not resist then asking her in to coffee.

For two hours they were sitting, whispering together. ‘Semyon Zaharovitch is in the service again, now, and receiving a salary,’ says she, ‘and he went himself to his excellency and his excellency himself came out to him, made all the others wait and led Semyon Zaharovitch by the hand before everybody into his study.’   

Do you hear, do you hear? ‘To be sure,’ says he, ‘Semyon Zaharovitch, remembering your past services,’ says he, ‘and in spite of your propensity to that foolish weakness, since you promise now and since moreover we’ve got on badly without you,’ (do you hear, do you hear;) ‘and so,’ says he,

‘I rely now on your word as a gentleman.’ And all that, let me tell you, she has simply made up for herself, and not simply out of wantonness, for the sake of bragging; no, she believes it all herself, she amuses herself with her own fancies, upon my word she does! And I don’t blame her for it, no,

I don’t blame her!... Six days ago when I brought her my first earnings in full—twenty-three roubles forty copecks altogether—she called me her poppet: ‘poppet,’ said she, ‘my little poppet.’ 

And when we were by ourselves, you understand? You would not think me a beauty, you would not think much of me as a husband, would you?... Well, she pinched my cheek, ‘my little poppet,’ said she.” Marmeladov broke off, tried to smile, but suddenly his chin began to twitch. He controlled himself however. The tavern, the degraded appearance of the man, the five nights in the hay barge, and the pot of spirits, and yet this poignant love for his wife and children bewildered his listener.

Raskolnikov listened intently but with a sick sensation. He felt vexed that he had come here. “Honoured sir, honoured sir,” cried Marmeladov recovering himself—“Oh, sir, perhaps all this seems a laughing matter to you, as it does to others, and perhaps I am only worrying you with the stupidity of all the trivial details of my home life, but it is not a laughing matter to me. For I can feel it all.... And the whole of that heavenly day of my life and the whole of that evening I passed in fleeting dreams of how I would arrange it all, and how I would dress all the children,

and how I should give her rest, and how I should rescue my own daughter from dishonour and restore her to the bosom of her family.... And a great deal more.... Quite excusable, sir. Well, then, sir” (Marmeladov suddenly gave a sort of start, raised his head and gazed intently at his listener) “well, on the very next day after all those dreams, that is to say, exactly five days ago, in the evening, by a cunning trick, like a thief in the night, I stole from Katerina Ivanovna the key of her box, took out what was left of my earnings, how much it was I have forgotten, and now look at me, all of you! It’s the fifth day since I left home,