5 things not to say to a grieving friend

5 things not to say to a grieving friendAlisyn CamerotaEssay by Alisyn Camerota, CNN6 minute readUpdated 3:55 PM EDT, Mon October 14, 2024pandas walk and talk thumb 2.pngCNN takes exclusive look at prep for pandas' move from China <a href="https://edition.cnn.com/2024/10/12/health/what-not-to-say-grief-wellness/index.html" target="_top" class="ke-link">https://edition.cnn.com/2024/10/12/health/what-not-to-say-grief-wellness/index.html</a> Alisyn Camerota and her husband, Tim Lewis, on their last vacation, three months before he passed away.Alisyn Camerota shares what she has learned from grieving the loss of her husband06:3720241016-beto_ted split.jpgRazor-thin margin in Texas senate race led Ted Cruz to do this on Fox News02:1120241015-trump_haberman split.jpgHaberman weighs in on Trump's town hall dancing01:45bob.jpgWoodward shares what Gen. Milley told him about Trump01:2520241015-harris_ctg jones_full16x9.jpgVan Jones reacts to Harris’ radio town hall with Charlamagne tha God03:12still_21030880_2147848.926_still.jpgEx-Fox News host on how he went from praising Trump to endorsing Kamala Harris02:45Former President Donald Trump wouldn't tell a Bloomberg News journalist at the Chicago Economic Club if he had spoken to Russian President Vladimir Putin since leaving office, but said it would be "a smart thing."Journalist asks Trump if he has called Putin since leaving office00:44panda arrival 2 thumb.jpgPandas arrive in Washington DC00:3320241015-tapperglenn.jpg'I'm literally reading his quotes': Tapper presses GOP governor on Trump's remarks03:18still_21026194_3015706.9740000004_still.jpgHonig: New sexual assault lawsuits are 'only trouble' for 'Diddy'02:51still_21027826_192_still.jpgWhy former defense secretary fears Trump would try to utilize military against US citizens03:28still_21040868_0_still.jpg90% of this Georgia county votes Republican. It may be the most pro-Trump area of any battleground state06:06A SpaceX Falcon Heavy rocket with the Europa Clipper spacecraft aboard launches from Launch Complex 39A at NASA's Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral on October 14, 2024. The spacecraft Clipper will soon launch for Jupiter's moon Europa, one of dozens of moons orbiting the Solar System's biggest planet and the nearest spot in our celestial neighborhood that could offer a perch for life. It should reach orbit around Jupiter and Europa in 2031, where it will begin a detailed study of the moon scientists believe is covered in frozen water, which could provide a similar habitat to Earth. (Photo by CHANDAN KHANNA / AFP) (Photo by CHANDAN KHANNA/AFP via Getty Images)NASA's largest spacecraft launches for Jupiter's moon00:41Getty images.jpgReported threats force FEMA to pause some aid operations in North Carolina02:54still_21038447_3638132.155_still.jpgTrump suggests military action against 'enemy from within' during Fox News interview02:27pandas walk and talk thumb 2.pngCNN takes exclusive look at prep for pandas' move from China02:36WXYZ fake workers kill man 101224 resized.jpgTwo homicide suspects accused of impersonating utility workers02:57SpaceX launched Starship, the most powerful rocket ever built, on its <a href="<a href="https://www.cnn.com/science/live-news/spacex-starship-launch-5-10-13-24/index.html" target="_top" class="ke-link">https://www.cnn.com/science/live-news/spacex-starship-launch-5-10-13-24/index.html</a>">fifth test flight. Not only did the Super Heavy booster survive its daring return to the launchpad, but the Starship spacecraft appeared to fare much better during its descent back from space — avoiding the severe wear and tear that veered its predecessor off target during the last test in June. Watch SpaceX Starship takeoff and land in ambitious test06:05Alisyn Camerota and her husband, Tim Lewis, on their last vacation, three months before he passed away.Alisyn Camerota shares what she has learned from grieving the loss of her husband06:3720241016-beto_ted split.jpgRazor-thin margin in Texas senate race led Ted Cruz to do this on Fox News02:1120241015-trump_haberman split.jpgHaberman weighs in on Trump's town hall dancing01:45CNN —  <a href="https://edition.cnn.com/2024/10/12/health/what-not-to-say-grief-wellness/index.html" target="_top" class="ke-link">https://edition.cnn.com/2024/10/12/health/what-not-to-say-grief-wellness/index.html</a>5 things not to say to a grieving friend | CNNIt’s almost impossible to know what to say to someone in the throes of grief. We all want to say something comforting. Very few of us know what that is.edition.cnn.com It’s almost impossible to know what to say to someone in the throes of grief. We all want to say something comforting. Very few of us know what that is. I’ve learned this the hard way. My beloved husband of 23 years died at the end of July, two years after being diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer. Since then, I’ve seen friends and neighbors struggle for the right words, and I’ve been surprised by how even the kindest questions can set me off. There’s no one right answer, of course. What is helpful for me may not work for someone else, and words that I find off-putting may be the perfect balm for another person. Still, trading notes with a few grieving people, including my own children, I’ve found some helpful do’s and five unexpected don’ts. No. 1: ‘How are you?’ You’d be surprised how loaded this basic question can feel. A caring friend wants to know how you’re doing. What could possibly be wrong with that? The problem, my kids and I realized, is that it’s a near-impossible question to answer. Our feelings of grief change by the hour, sometimes by the minute, so there’s no answer that will stand the test of time. Do you mean how am I this very second? I can answer that, but my answer might change a second later. Do you mean how are we coping in life? The answer is, we don’t know yet. We find it easier to answer less overarching questions, such as, how was college drop-off? How was the first day of school? How was dinner last night? Specific questions are less challenging than existential ones.Alisyn Camerota and her husband, Tim Lewis, on their last vacation, three months before his death.Alisyn Camerota and her husband, Tim Lewis, on their last vacation, three months before his death. No. 2: ‘How can I help?’ I’ve had to dig deep to figure out why this generous question from well-meaning friends doesn’t sit right. I think it’s because it puts the onus on the griever to help the helper. The helper wants to figure something out – but those of us who are grieving are in no position to help. We often can’t articulate, and might not even know, what we want or need. Related card What have you learned from grief? Share your story Here’s something that worked really well: neighbors who, without asking, dropped off a tray of lasagna or cookies or flowers or fill-in-the-blank. They didn’t ring the doorbell. They didn’t call to find out if we liked lasagna or if we’d be home. They simply left something on the doorstep. One helpful friend showed up at my house and immediately rolled up her sleeves and started doing my sink full of dishes. She didn’t ask. She just dived in. One recent morning, as I struggled to summon the energy to open the fridge and figure out breakfast for the kids and me, I watched a delivery truck back into our driveway. Out came bags of bagels, platters of cream cheese, smoked salmon, fresh fruit and a carton of hot coffee sent by my colleagues. That morning, I did not have the forethought to say, “You know, I could really go for a bagel and coffee right now,” but it turns out that’s exactly what we needed. No. 3: ‘I can’t imagine what you must be going through’ One of my teenage daughters, a theater kid, explained to me why this phrase really rubs her the wrong way: It reveals a curious lack of creativity.Anderson Cooper's All There Is podcast with Andrew Garfield. Related article Andrew Garfield shares the gift he’s discovered in grieving his mother Here’s what she wanted to ask her friends who said this: Really? You’ve never imagined losing a parent? Have you ever seen a movie about loss or death? “The Fault in Our Stars,” perhaps? How ‘bout “The Lion King”? Were you dry-eyed when Mufasa died, or did you cry and feel Simba’s pain? My daughter’s hunch is that you can, in fact, imagine a devastating loss, but you don’t want to imagine it for yourself or have to think of how sad this is for us. That’s understandable. We want to protect you from our pain, too. But the statement has the unintended effect of isolating us on a grief island, as though loss was somehow singularly ours. So instead of putting our feelings in an unimaginable silo, try relating to us. Say something like, “I remember when I lost my X and I felt X”. Or maybe share a specific memory like “I really enjoyed watching your dad coach you in soccer. I’m going to miss that.” A statement like that lets us know we’re not alone. No. 4: ‘This is so unfair’ I was surprised when friends, particularly friends my age, said this. I’m in the news business, so I think my notion of life “being fair” vanished somewhere in the middle of covering yet another senseless school shooting. I’ve long since stopped thinking of life as being neatly organized into fair and unfair categories. Instead of trying to untangle grief from injustice, I’ve started the practice of radical acceptance. This concept was introduced to my husband and me by our grief counselor immediately after his diagnosis. It goes something like this: Some things in life are glorious, and some things suck. Try to accept life on its own terms and deal with the hand you’re dealt. Radical acceptance has been a game-changer for me and how I tackle the tough stuff. Instead of asking, “Why me?” or “How can life be so unfair?” I say, “This is what I’m dealing with. What’s the best way forward?”No. 5: ‘I want to come give you a hug’ Before I was thrust into grief, I would not have understood how a loving gesture from a friend could ever feel uncomfortable. Now I do.  Related article She felt lost when she became a widow in her 20s. Then she signed up to grief camp Those of us grieving need to pace ourselves. It’s draining to grieve for too long on any given day, so we titrate the pain. I find myself carefully carving out chunks of time to read condolence cards and respond to sympathy emails because I need to conserve energy to attend to the stuff of life: my kids’ needs, my work schedule, unpaid bills, returning my husband’s leased car. Being wrapped in grief does not allow me to function the way I need to. Friends who arrived at my door teary-eyed forced the unintended response of me having to grieve with them on their timetable, rather than my own. Sometimes it felt as though I had to comfort them and help them cope with the loss, which was counterproductive for my mental state. If you do feel compelled to show up at the doorstep of someone who has just suffered a loss, try to bring laughter and lightness with you to help alleviate the grief load on them.What to say when there are no words What worked beautifully for us was receiving a lovingly composed letter, email or text, expressing someone’s emotions. I could read the message on my own schedule, at a time I had chosen for reflection. One dear friend sent a lacquered box where I can store condolence cards and keep coming back to when I want to remember the deep impact my husband had on our community. Remember, it’s OK to say you don’t know what to say. It’s also OK to wait a beat before saying it. Last week, I got a text from an old friend who I’d not heard from in the months since my husband’s death. She said, “I haven’t found the right words to text you.” I knew exactly what she meant, and somehow those words felt just right.