PART 3 // chapter 3-4

[모나리자]

"아, 뭐라고 하는 거야, 두냐! 화내지 마, 제발, 로디아... 왜 그런 말을 했어, 두냐?" 풀케리아 알렉산드로브나는 압도당해 말을 시작했다. "보시다시피, 여기 오는 동안, 나는 기차에서 내내 꿈꿨어, 우리가 어떻게 만나야 할지, 어떻게 모든 것에 대해 함께 이야기해야 할지... 그리고 너무 행복해서 여행을 눈치채지 못했어! 하지만 내가 뭐라고 말하는 거지? 나는 지금 행복해.... 너는 그럴 수 없어, 두냐.... 나는 지금 행복해—단순히 너를 보는 것만으로, 로디아..." "조용히, 어머니." 그는 혼란스러워서 중얼거렸고, 그녀를 보지 않고 그녀의 손을 잡았다. "우리는 모든 것에 대해 자유롭게 이야기할 시간이 있을 거야!"

그가 이렇게 말하면서, 그는 갑자기 혼란에 휩싸여 창백해졌다. 그가 최근에 알았던 그 끔찍한 감각이 다시 그의 영혼을 치명적인 추위와 함께 지나갔다. 다시 한번 그는 방금 무서운 거짓말을 했다는 것이 갑자기 분명하고 분명해졌습니다. 그는 이제 모든 것에 대해 자유롭게 말할 수 없을 것이고, 다시는 누구에게도 아무 말도 할 수 없을 것입니다. 이 생각의 고통은 잠시 동안 자신을 거의 잊을 정도였습니다. 그는 자리에서 일어나서 아무도 보지 않고 문으로 걸어갔습니다.

"무슨 일이야?" 라주미힌이 그의 팔을 움켜쥐며 소리쳤습니다. 그는 다시 앉아서 조용히 주변을 둘러보기 시작했습니다. 그들은 모두 당황한 표정으로 그를 바라보고 있었습니다. "하지만 왜 이렇게 지루해?" 그는 갑자기 그리고 전혀 예상치 못하게 소리쳤습니다. "말해! 이렇게 앉아 있는 게 무슨 소용이야? 와서 말해. 이야기하자.... 함께 모여서 조용히 앉아.... 와서, 뭐든지!" "신에게 감사드린다. 어제와 같은 일이 다시 시작되는 게 두려웠다." 풀케리아 알렉산드로브나가 십자가를 그으며 말했습니다. "무슨 일이야, 로디아?" 아브도티아 로마노브나가 의심스럽게 물었습니다. "아무것도 아니야!" "뭔가 생각났어." 그가 대답하고 갑자기 웃었다.

"음, 뭔가 생각났다면, 괜찮아!... 생각나기 시작했어..." 조시모프가 소파에서 일어나며 중얼거렸다. "이제 가야 할 시간이야. 다시 들여다볼게... 할 수 있다면..." 그는 절을 하고 나갔다. "정말 훌륭한 사람이야!" 풀케리아 알렉산드로브나가 말했다. "그래, 훌륭하고, 훌륭하고, 교육도 잘 받았고, 똑똑해." 라스콜니코프가 갑자기 놀라울 정도로 빠르게 말을 시작했고, 그때까지 보여준 적이 없었던 활기찬 모습이었다. "병이 들기 전에 어디서 만났는지 기억이 나지 않아... 어딘가에서 만났던 것 같아——... 그리고 이 사람도 좋은 사람이야." 그는 라주미힌에게 고개를 끄덕였다. "그가 마음에 들어, 두니아?" 그는 그녀에게 물었다. 그리고 갑자기 알 수 없는 이유로 웃었다.

"정말 좋아." 두니아가 대답했다. "푸!—정말 돼지 같잖아!" 라주미힌은 몹시 혼란스러워서 얼굴을 붉히며 항의했고, 그는 의자에서 일어났다. 풀케리아 알렉산드로브나는 희미하게 미소를 지었지만, 라스콜니코프는 큰 소리로 웃었다. "어디로 가는 거야?" "나는 가야 해." "전혀 필요 없어. 머물러. 조시모프가 떠났으니까, 너는 가야 해. 가지 마. 지금 몇 시야? 지금 12시야? 정말 예쁜 시계를 가지고 있구나, 두니아. 하지만 왜 또 다 말이 없어? 내가 다 말해." "마르파 페트로브나가 준 선물이었어." 두니아가 대답했다. "그리고 정말 비싼 거!" 풀케리아 알렉산드로브나가 덧붙였다. "아-아! 정말 큰 거구나! 숙녀의 선물 같지 않아." "난 그런 거 좋아." 두니아가 말했다.

"그러니까 약혼녀가 준 선물이 아니구나." 라주미힌은 생각했고, 터무니없이 기뻐했다. "루진의 선물인 줄 알았어." 라스콜니코프가 말했다. "아니, 그는 아직 두니아에게 선물을 주지 않았어."

"아-아! 기억나세요, 어머니. 저는 사랑에 빠져서 결혼하고 싶었어요." 그는 갑자기 말하며 어머니를 바라보았는데, 어머니는 갑작스러운 주제 전환과 그가 말하는 방식에 당황했다. "오, 맞아요, 자기야." 풀케리아 알렉산드로브나는 두니아와 라주미힌과 시선을 교환했다. "음, 맞아요. 뭐라고 말해야 할까요? 사실 별로 기억이 나지 않아요. 그녀는 정말 병약한 여자아이였어요." 그는 말을 이어가며 몽상적이 되어 다시 아래를 내려다보았다. "정말 병약한 여자아이였어요.

그녀는 가난한 사람들에게 자선을 베푸는 것을 좋아했고, 항상 수녀원을 꿈꾸었고, 한 번은 그것에 대해 이야기하기 시작했을 때 눈물을 터뜨렸어요. 네, 네, 기억나요. 아주 잘 기억해요. 그녀는 못생긴 작은 아이였어요. 그때 왜 그녀에게 끌렸는지 정말 모르겠어요. 그녀가 항상 아팠기 때문이었던 것 같아요. 그녀가 절름발이였거나 꼽추였다면, 나는 그녀를 더 좋아했을 거라고 생각해요." 그는 몽환적으로 미소지었다. "그래요, 일종의 봄의 섬망이었어요." "아니요, 봄의 섬망만은 아니었어요." 두니아가 따뜻한 감정으로 말했다.

그는 여동생을 긴장된 시선으로 응시했지만, 그녀의 말을 듣지도 이해하지도 못했다. 그러고는 완전히 생각에 잠긴 채 일어나 어머니에게 다가가 키스하고, 자기 자리로 돌아와 앉았다. "지금도 그녀를 사랑해요?" 풀케리아 알렉산드로브나가 감동한 듯 말했다.

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“Ach, what are you saying, Dounia! Don’t be angry, please, Rodya.... Why did you say that, Dounia?” Pulcheria Alexandrovna began, overwhelmed—“You see, coming here, I was dreaming all the way, in the train, how we should meet, how we should talk over everything together.... And I was so happy, I did not notice the journey! But what am I saying? I am happy now.... You should not, Dounia.... I am happy now—simply in seeing you, Rodya....” “Hush, mother,” he muttered in confusion, not looking at her, but pressing her hand. “We shall have time to speak freely of everything!”

As he said this, he was suddenly overwhelmed with confusion and turned pale. Again that awful sensation he had known of late passed with deadly chill over his soul. Again it became suddenly plain and perceptible to him that he had just told a fearful lie—that he would never now be able to speak freely of everything—that he would never again be able to speak of anything to anyone. The anguish of this thought was such that for a moment he almost forgot himself. He got up from his seat, and not looking at anyone walked towards the door.

“What are you about?” cried Razumihin, clutching him by the arm. He sat down again, and began looking about him, in silence. They were all looking at him in perplexity. “But what are you all so dull for?” he shouted, suddenly and quite unexpectedly. “Do say something! What’s the use of sitting like this? Come, do speak. Let us talk.... We meet together and sit in silence.... Come, anything!” “Thank God; I was afraid the same thing as yesterday was beginning again,” said Pulcheria Alexandrovna, crossing herself. “What is the matter, Rodya?” asked Avdotya Romanovna, distrustfully. “Oh, nothing! I remembered something,” he answered, and suddenly laughed.

“Well, if you remembered something; that’s all right!... I was beginning to think...” muttered Zossimov, getting up from the sofa. “It is time for me to be off. I will look in again perhaps... if I can...” He made his bows, and went out. “What an excellent man!” observed Pulcheria Alexandrovna. “Yes, excellent, splendid, well-educated, intelligent,” Raskolnikov began, suddenly speaking with surprising rapidity, and a liveliness he had not shown till then. “I can’t remember where I met him before my illness.... I believe I have met him somewhere——... And this is a good man, too,” he nodded at Razumihin. “Do you like him, Dounia?” he asked her; and suddenly, for some unknown reason, laughed.

“Very much,” answered Dounia. “Foo!—what a pig you are!” Razumihin protested, blushing in terrible confusion, and he got up from his chair. Pulcheria Alexandrovna smiled faintly, but Raskolnikov laughed aloud. “Where are you off to?” “I must go.” “You need not at all. Stay. Zossimov has gone, so you must. Don’t go. What’s the time? Is it twelve o’clock? What a pretty watch you have got, Dounia. But why are you all silent again? I do all the talking.” “It was a present from Marfa Petrovna,” answered Dounia. “And a very expensive one!” added Pulcheria Alexandrovna. “A-ah! What a big one! Hardly like a lady’s.” “I like that sort,” said Dounia.

“So it is not a present from her fiancé,” thought Razumihin, and was unreasonably delighted. “I thought it was Luzhin’s present,” observed Raskolnikov. “No, he has not made Dounia any presents yet.”

“A-ah! And do you remember, mother, I was in love and wanted to get married?” he said suddenly, looking at his mother, who was disconcerted by the sudden change of subject and the way he spoke of it. “Oh, yes, my dear.” Pulcheria Alexandrovna exchanged glances with Dounia and Razumihin. “H’m, yes. What shall I tell you? I don’t remember much indeed. She was such a sickly girl,” he went on, growing dreamy and looking down again. “Quite an invalid.

She was fond of giving alms to the poor, and was always dreaming of a nunnery, and once she burst into tears when she began talking to me about it. Yes, yes, I remember. I remember very well. She was an ugly little thing. I really don’t know what drew me to her then—I think it was because she was always ill. If she had been lame or hunchback, I believe I should have liked her better still,” he smiled dreamily. “Yes, it was a sort of spring delirium.” “No, it was not only spring delirium,” said Dounia, with warm feeling.

He fixed a strained intent look on his sister, but did not hear or did not understand her words. Then, completely lost in thought, he got up, went up to his mother, kissed her, went back to his place and sat down. “You love her even now?” said Pulcheria Alexandrovna, touched.