PART 3 // chapter 3-5

[모나리자]

"그녀? 지금? 오, 그래... 그녀에 대해 묻는 거야? 아니... 그게 다 지금, 다른 세상에서... 아주 오래 전 일이야. 그리고 사실 여기서 일어나는 모든 일이 어딘가 멀리 있는 것 같아." 그는 주의 깊게 그들을 바라보았다. "너, 지금... 나는 천 마일 떨어진 곳에서 너를 바라보는 것 같아... 하지만, 왜 우리가 그걸 이야기하는지 신만이 알잖아! 그리고 그것에 대해 묻는 게 무슨 소용이야?" 그는 짜증내며 덧붙이고 손톱을 깨물며 다시 몽환적인 침묵 속으로 빠져들었다. "너의 숙소는 정말 초라하구나, 로디아! 무덤 같아." 풀케리아 알렉산드로브나가 갑자기 억압적인 침묵을 깨며 말했다.

"너의 숙소는 벌써 절반이 지났는데 그렇게 우울해졌어." "내 숙소야." 그는 무기력하게 대답했다. "그래, 숙소가 큰 영향을 미쳤어... 나도 그렇게 생각했어... 하지만 방금 한 말이 얼마나 이상한지 네가 알았으면 좋겠어, 어머니." 그는 이상하게 웃으며 말했다. 조금만 더, 그리고 그들의 동행, 이 어머니와 이 자매, 3년 만에 그와 함께, 정말 아무것에 대해서도 말할 수 없는 상황에서 이런 친밀한 대화의 어조는 그의 인내력을 넘어섰을 것이다. 하지만 그날 어떤 식으로든 해결해야 할 시급한 문제가 하나 있었다. 그는 깨어났을 때 그렇게 결정했다.

이제 그는 탈출 수단으로 그것을 기억하게 되어 기뻤다. "들어봐, 두냐." 그는 엄숙하고 건조하게 말을 시작했다. "물론 어제는 용서해 줘. 하지만 다시 한 번 말해야 할 의무가 있다고 생각해. 내가 가장 중요한 요점에서 물러나지 않을 거야. 나 아니면 루진이야. 내가 악당이라면 넌 그럴 수 없어. 하나만 있어도 충분해. 루진과 결혼하면 나는 너를 더 이상 자매로 보지 않을 거야." "로디아, 로디아! 어제와 똑같아." 풀케리아 알렉산드로브나가 애통하게 외쳤다. "그리고 왜 자신을 악당이라고 부르니? 참을 수 없어. 어제도 그렇게 말했잖아.”

“형님,” 두니아가 단호하고 똑같은 건조함으로 대답했다. “이 모든 것에는 당신의 실수가 있습니다. 저는 밤에 생각해 보았고, 실수를 발견했습니다. 그것은 모두 당신이 제가 누군가를 위해, 누군가를 위해 제 자신을 희생한다고 생각하기 때문입니다.

전혀 그렇지 않습니다. 저는 그저 제 자신을 위해 결혼하는 것입니다. 제게는 힘든 일이기 때문입니다. 물론, 제 가족에게 도움이 된다면 기쁠 것입니다. 하지만 그것이 제 결정의 주된 동기는 아닙니다....” “그녀는 거짓말을 하고 있다.” 그는 스스로 생각하며 앙심을 품고 손톱을 깨물었다.

“거만한 녀석! 그녀는 자선심에서 그렇게 하고 싶다는 것을 인정하지 않을 거야! 너무 거만해! 오, 천한 녀석들! 그들은 마치 미워하는 것처럼 사랑하기까지 한다.... 오, 저는 그들을 얼마나... 미워하는가!” “사실,” 두니아가 말을 이었다. “저는 두 가지 악을 덜 택하기 때문에 표트르 페트로비치와 결혼합니다. 나는 그가 나에게 기대하는 모든 것을 정직하게 하려고 해. 그래서 나는 그를 속이지 않으려고... 왜 방금 웃었어?" 그녀도 얼굴이 붉어졌고 그녀의 눈에는 분노가 번쩍였다. "모두?" 그는 악의에 찬 미소를 지으며 물었다. "어느 정도 한계 내에서. 표트르 페트로비치의 구애 방식과 형태는 그가 원하는 것이 무엇인지 나에게 즉시 보여주었다.

물론 그는 자신을 너무 좋게 생각할 수도 있지만, 그가 나를 존중하기를 바란다... 왜 다시 웃어?" "그리고 왜 다시 얼굴이 붉어졌어? 거짓말을 하고 있어, 누나. 너는 의도적으로 거짓말을 하고 있어. 그저 여성적인 고집 때문에, 그저 나에 맞서기 위해... 너는 루진을 존경할 수 없어. 나는 그를 보고 이야기를 나누었어. 그러니까 너는 돈을 위해 자신을 팔고 있는 거고, 어쨌든 너는 비열하게 행동하고 있고, 적어도 네가 얼굴을 붉힐 수 있어서 다행이야." "그건 사실이 아니야. 나는 거짓말을 하지 않아." 두니아가 평정심을 잃고 소리쳤다. "그가 나를 존중하고 높이 평가한다는 확신이 없다면 그와 결혼하지 않았을 거야.

그를 존경할 수 있다는 확신이 없다면 그와 결혼하지 않았을 거야. 다행히도 오늘 바로 그에 대한 확실한 증거가 있어... 그리고 그런 결혼은 네가 말했듯이 비열한 것이 아니야! 네가 옳다고 하더라도, 내가 정말로 비열한 행동을 하기로 결심했다면, 네가 나에게 그런 식으로 말하는 게 무자비하지 않아? 왜 네가 내게 영웅적인 행동을 요구하니? 그건 전제주의야. 폭정이야. 내가 누군가를 망치면, 그건 나 자신뿐이야.... 나는 살인을 저지르지 않아.

왜 나를 그렇게 쳐다보니? 왜 그렇게 창백해? 로디아, 자기야, 뭐가 문제야?" "맙소사! 네가 그를 기절시켰어." 풀케리아 알렉산드로브나가 소리쳤다. "아니, 아니, 말도 안 돼! 아무것도 아니야. 약간의 현기증일 뿐이지 기절한 건 아니야. 너는 뇌에 기절이 있는 거야. 음, 네, 제가 뭐라고 했죠? 오, 네. 오늘 당신이 그를 존경할 수 있다는 확실한 증거를 어떻게 얻을 수 있을까요? 그리고 그가... 당신을 존경한다는 것을, 당신이 말했듯이요. 오늘 말했던 것 같아요?" "어머니, 로디아 표트르 페트로비치의 편지를 보여주세요." 두니아가 말했다. 풀케리아 알렉산드로브나는 떨리는 손으로 그에게 편지를 주었다. 그는 큰 관심을 가지고 편지를 받았지만, 편지를 열기 전에 갑자기 두니아를 일종의 경이로움으로 바라보았다.

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“Her? Now? Oh, yes.... You ask about her? No... that’s all now, as it were, in another world... and so long ago. And indeed everything happening here seems somehow far away.” He looked attentively at them. “You, now... I seem to be looking at you from a thousand miles away... but, goodness knows why we are talking of that! And what’s the use of asking about it?” he added with annoyance, and biting his nails, fell into dreamy silence again. “What a wretched lodging you have, Rodya! It’s like a tomb,” said Pulcheria Alexandrovna, suddenly breaking the oppressive silence.

“I am sure it’s quite half through your lodging you have become so melancholy.” “My lodging,” he answered, listlessly. “Yes, the lodging had a great deal to do with it.... I thought that, too.... If only you knew, though, what a strange thing you said just now, mother,” he said, laughing strangely. A little more, and their companionship, this mother and this sister, with him after three years’ absence, this intimate tone of conversation, in face of the utter impossibility of really speaking about anything, would have been beyond his power of endurance. But there was one urgent matter which must be settled one way or the other that day—so he had decided when he woke.

Now he was glad to remember it, as a means of escape. “Listen, Dounia,” he began, gravely and drily, “of course I beg your pardon for yesterday, but I consider it my duty to tell you again that I do not withdraw from my chief point. It is me or Luzhin. If I am a scoundrel, you must not be. One is enough. If you marry Luzhin, I cease at once to look on you as a sister.” “Rodya, Rodya! It is the same as yesterday again,” Pulcheria Alexandrovna cried, mournfully. “And why do you call yourself a scoundrel? I can’t bear it. You said the same yesterday.”

“Brother,” Dounia answered firmly and with the same dryness. “In all this there is a mistake on your part. I thought it over at night, and found out the mistake. It is all because you seem to fancy I am sacrificing myself to someone and for someone.

That is not the case at all. I am simply marrying for my own sake, because things are hard for me. Though, of course, I shall be glad if I succeed in being useful to my family. But that is not the chief motive for my decision....” “She is lying,” he thought to himself, biting his nails vindictively.

“Proud creature! She won’t admit she wants to do it out of charity! Too haughty! Oh, base characters! They even love as though they hate.... Oh, how I... hate them all!” “In fact,” continued Dounia, “I am marrying Pyotr Petrovitch because of two evils I choose the less. I intend to do honestly all he expects of me, so I am not deceiving him.... Why did you smile just now?” She, too, flushed, and there was a gleam of anger in her eyes. “All?” he asked, with a malignant grin. “Within certain limits. Both the manner and form of Pyotr Petrovitch’s courtship showed me at once what he wanted.

He may, of course, think too well of himself, but I hope he esteems me, too.... Why are you laughing again?” “And why are you blushing again? You are lying, sister. You are intentionally lying, simply from feminine obstinacy, simply to hold your own against me.... You cannot respect Luzhin. I have seen him and talked with him. So you are selling yourself for money, and so in any case you are acting basely, and I am glad at least that you can blush for it.” “It is not true. I am not lying,” cried Dounia, losing her composure. “I would not marry him if I were not convinced that he esteems me and thinks highly of me.

I would not marry him if I were not firmly convinced that I can respect him. Fortunately, I can have convincing proof of it this very day... and such a marriage is not a vileness, as you say! And even if you were right, if I really had determined on a vile action, is it not merciless on your part to speak to me like that? Why do you demand of me a heroism that perhaps you have not either? It is despotism; it is tyranny. If I ruin anyone, it is only myself.... I am not committing a murder.

Why do you look at me like that? Why are you so pale? Rodya, darling, what’s the matter?” “Good heavens! You have made him faint,” cried Pulcheria Alexandrovna. “No, no, nonsense! It’s nothing. A little giddiness—not fainting. You have fainting on the brain. H’m, yes, what was I saying? Oh, yes. In what way will you get convincing proof to-day that you can respect him, and that he... esteems you, as you said. I think you said to-day?” “Mother, show Rodya Pyotr Petrovitch’s letter,” said Dounia. With trembling hands, Pulcheria Alexandrovna gave him the letter. He took it with great interest, but, before opening it, he suddenly looked with a sort of wonder at Dounia.