Thoughts & Quotes for the Day ( June 20, 07)

Thoughts & Quotes for the Day "Speak without offending, listen without defending" My dad used to say: "You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter." If you want to make people angry, lie. If you want to make them livid, tell the truth. I like to borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect to get it back. I have a friend who really needs some serious psychological help. The guy treats golf as if it were just a game. A man is judged not by his education but what he does with it. During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner." I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time." -- Edward P. Tryon "We've got a kitchen by Gieger, but we're too scared to go in there." -- from the sig of Peter H. Coffin, in alt.sysadmin.recovery "Still not getting any." -- Drew Hamilton "Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped." -- Sam Levenson (1911-1980) "The graveyards are full of indispensable men." -- Charles de Gaulle Famous Last Words • "Well, I didn't much like this character, anyway... Here goes nothing..." • "Whistling sounds? Naw, they can't have a grenade launcher!" • "They can't possibly outflank us. We have a multi-scanner!" • "Come on! Arrows versus Kevlar?" Topical Humor ….. Well Nearly so As an aristocrat from Massachusetts -- we all know how that works out -- Mitt Romney has to go the extra mile to convince the base he's real. Watch closely as he fails [on screen: Romney saying that Massachusetts is as blue as a dark blue suit]. Mitt, if you're attempting to portray yourself as one of those rugged, salt-of-the- earth, hard-nosed conservative types, you might want to go with a metaphor from the world of sports, and not, say, from the world of haberdashery. Tonight the Republican presidential candidates had a big debate, 10 candidates. The last time that many rich white guys got together, I think Exxon merged with Mobil. Last night was the second Republican debate. Right now, how many people are going. The 10 Republican presidential candidates held the debate on Fox News. Now, normally I don't make predictions. I don't go out on a limb and say who I'm for, but I'm pretty confident in saying the debate was won by the rich white guy. They all answered some tough questions. Rudy Giuliani had to answer for his position on abortion. John McCain had to answer on his support of immigration reform. And Mike Huckabee had to answer the question, "Who are you?" During the GOP presidential debate Tuesday night, Congressman Ron Paul angered Rudy Giuliani when he suggested the 9/11 attacks were in response to U.S. bombings of Iraq. Giuliani, of course, blames 9/11 on his ex-wives. Washington D.C. welcomed law enforcement officers Wednesday for National Police Week. Local police officials warned the visitors to avoid disorderly conduct and public drunkenness and profanity. It is a federal crime to impersonate a congressman. Six bozos were going to attack the Army base at Fort Dix, N.J. But President Bush outsmarted them because, as we all know, every single American soldier is safely in Iraq. At Phil Spector's murder trial; Spector's chauffeur testified Spector said; "I think I killed somebody" and he saw blood on Spector's hands. Despite all the evidence, Spector won't go to jail, celebrities in L.A. can't be convicted of murder unless they kill somebody in the courtroom. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Teach Them Young The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three." "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?" "A jack," says the little boy. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Virgin A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his town has been at it. Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years she finally reaches maturity, and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her. After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom, where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed, and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly. "Why the jelly?" she asks him. "So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies. "Well, why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?" @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ April and I happened by this art sale over the weekend in one of those little out of the way places you just stumble onto. Lots of booths selling lots of crap. You know the drill. As we were going past one booth, the guy in there (I guess he was the artist himself) was hanging a picture on the wall. April was trying to get a handle on it in her head to see if it'd fit the space she was thinking it would go once she got it home, so she said, "How big is that?" The artist replied. "20 inches." April cocked her head, and said, "It looks bigger than that." The artist shifted his eyes towards me, then motioned for her to lean in close, where he whispered, "He's been lying to you." @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ "NEXT," the conference emcee announced, "we have the Chief of the Minnesota State Patrol, Roger Ledding, who is here with his lovely wife, Beverly." The chief took his place at the lectern. "I'm a little nervous," he began, "getting up before this distinguished audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight, when I must go home with my wife, ‘Audrey’, and explain Beverly to her!" @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Summer Camp A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?" The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother? @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Dear Son An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up the garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen police showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asked him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time." @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A Nut Story An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands so there wouldn't be any trouble. The day of the game was bright and sunny, and the group arrived just before the first pitch. When it was time for the national anthem, the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the inmates immediately rose. When the national anthem was over, the director yelled, "Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat. The game proceeded, and the inmates were well behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled, "Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans. Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going on. The director finally located his assistant and demanded to know what happened!?" "Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some guy came over and yelled, ‘Peanuts!’" @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack impending. "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!" She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you." So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face. "Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?" "I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK." @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ New Barbie Dolls 1. BOBBIT BARBIE (with knife, Ken had better watch out) 2. BARBIE BROWN SIMPSON (slashed neck and bloody body, carton of Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough included) 3. DIVORCED BARBIE (comes with all of Ken's accessories) 4. TEENAGE SINGLE PARENT BARBIE ("welfare check" from Mattel mailed each month) 5. CRACK ADDICT BARBIE (pipe included, sugar may be used to simulate crack cocaine) 6. BOULEVARD BARBIE (with cheap makeup, short skirt, and high heels) 7. LESBIAN BARBIE (Barbie with a butch) 8. LIPSTICK LESBIAN BARBIE (actually no different in appearance from regular Barbie) 9. ANOREXIA BARBIE (no different in appearance from regular Barbie) 10. BRUNETTE BARBIE (the only Barbie with a brain) 11. QUANTUM PHYSICIST BARBIE (yeah, right) 12. BOW-WOW BARBIE (the ugliest Barbie you've ever seen) 13. PUNK BARBIE (has rings in all sorts of strange places) 14. NAVY PILOT BARBIE (comes with a body bag, wrecked fighter jet sold separately) 15. BREAST IMPLANT BARBIE (now Barbie's a D-cup) 16. CANCER PATIENT BARBIE (remove the wig and Barbie's bald) 17. BLACK BARBIE (once your Ken doll goes black, he'll never go back) 18. FEMINIST BARBIE (has unshaved legs and armpits) 19. BATTERED WIFE BARBIE (comes with a restraining order to serve to Ken) @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?" and he replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area." @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette." The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game." The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how." He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told the American. "That's great," the ambassador said, "but it doesn't seem much like Russian roulette." "Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."