call the shots / irk / divisiveness / dissipate

아이들이 지배할 때 When kids CALL the SHOTS 부모가 자녀를 사랑하고 자녀의 '재롱' 을 즐기는 것은 당연한데, 왠지 부모가 자녀에게 느끼지 못한 것을 '손자와 손녀'에게서 느낀다고 하는 사람들이 많다. 그리고 나는 그 묘한 느낌의 까닭을 찾았다. 그 답은 When kids CALL the SHOTS (자녀가 지배할 때) 이다. call the shots / call it quits 지배하다 / 무승부로 하다 Sean Grover L.C.S.W. When Kids Call the Shots ☆ The bee is not calling the shots. 벌이 대장 노릇을 하는 것이 아닙니다. When Kids Call the Shots: How to Seize Control from Your Darling Bullyㅡand Enjoy Being a Parent Again ☆ RELATIONSHIPS 5 Compassionate Conflict Skills That Can Save Your Relationship Resolving conflict nondestructively is essential to sustainable intimacy. Posted April 15, 2024 Reviewed by Michelle Quirk KEY POINTS Conflict in your relationship isn’t necessarily a sign of something wrong. Sustainable intimacy depends on your ability to resolve frustration and conflict lovingly. Compassionate conflict skills include attentive listening, positive affirmations, and patience. Source: Octavio Fossatti / Unsplash Source: Octavio Fossatti / Unsplash Sooner or later, every new relationship experiences conflict Frequently, after a honeymoon period of smooth sailing and cheery Instagram photos, something about this person starts to irk you. Do you hang in there, or do you call it quits? Here’s the perfect moment to hit the pause button. What you do next determines whether your new relationship thrives or dies. article continues after advertisement Conflict is natural Conflict with your new partner isn’t necessarily a sign of something wrong. As you get closer and more intimate, it’s natural to experience irritation or disappointment. New relationships are fraught with expectations, projections, and distortions. In other words, you may not see the person in front of you; you may see the person you want to see. As emotional intimacy develops, projections and distortions soon dissipate, and your expectations are challenged. You may be surprised to discover traits you don’t like in your new relationship. Perhaps your partner has a short fuse and is quick to anger. Maybe they are messy, their bedroom looks like a crime scene, or they are terrible with their finances. You may find these traits annoying and not what you signed up for. Still, you’ll likely avoid addressing them directly. What stops you from speaking up? There are many misguided fear-based beliefs about expressing frustration in relationships. Among the most popular are these: Expressing my frustration will article continues after advertisement Hurt my partner’s feelings. Damage my relationship. Result in my partner rejecting me. Trigger a rift that won’t heal. Escalate conflict and divisiveness. For these reasons, you may choose to ignore or bury your frustration. That may work for a while, but don’t kid yourself: Unprocessed frustration eventually becomes toxic and will end badly for everyone. Of course, you could avoid voicing your frustration entirely by calling it quits. But here’s the thing: You cannot build sustainable intimacy until you learn to resolve frustration and conflict lovingly. Conflict without fear Compassionate conflict skills are essential in my weekly therapy groups because they enable you to express frustration in a way that enhances closeness and intimacy. When you learn to address conflict without fear, you’ll no longer have to swallow your frustration or suffer in silence, and your partner won’t have to wonder what’s gotten into you. You’re also less likely to explode in anger or trigger an angry response in your partner. THE BASICS Why Relationships Matter Find a therapist to strengthen relationships In other words, addressing conflict compassionately is a win for both of you. It brings clarity and authenticity to your relationship, which is essential to building trust. Essential compassionate conflict skills Addressing conflict successfully comes down to communication. Next time you’re frustrated in your relationship, consider these guidelines: article continues after advertisement 1. Lead with positive affirmations. Rather than hit your partner with harsh complaints or criticisms, tell them what they’re doing right. Open with positive affirmations and then gently voice your concern. For example: “I love having dinner with you, but being late puts me in a bad mood.” “I enjoy being at your place, but I’m uncomfortable with the chaos of your bedroom.” “I like talking to you without distractions. Can we make a deal to put our phones away when we hang out?” Address your frustration with kindness and give your partner a chance to respond. Rather than irritation, people often report feeling care and affection in such communications. 2. Take responsibility for your feelings. You bring your history into every relationship. You have triggers. Sometimes, you may let these triggers control you and cause you to make choices you regret later. RELATIONSHIPS ESSENTIAL READS The 7-Word Phrase That Can Destroy Any Relationship 3 Ways to Protect Yourself From Relationship Limerence Understanding yourself, your needs, and your history leads to healthier relationships. Rather than blaming your partner for your feelings, start by taking responsibility for them. For example: “I have trouble trusting people” means you are taking ownership of your part of the issue. “I tend to be anxious in new relationships and feel overwhelmed” is another example of owning your part without criticizing or blaming your partner. “I get angry and critical when I’m hungry” helps your partner become aware of your moods and what triggers them. article continues after advertisement 3. Practice patience. Yes, you’re irritated. Yes, you want your needs met. However, impulsivity and impatience do much damage to new relationships. Take a moment. Give your partner a chance to respond. Don’t be defensive; don’t blame or educate. Be patient. Let them have their say before you respond. 4. Listen attentively. Listening is loving. Give your full attention to your partner, try to see things from their perspective, and understand that they have issues from their history and triggers, too. When people feel heard and respected, they are less defensive, more open to influence, and less combative. 5. Respond authentically. People tend to withhold their true feelings, especially in new relationships. They may perform “carefree,” “easygoing,” or “laid-back,” all while storing away frustration and irritation that eventually will boil over. Do your best to be honest and direct. The real you is more attractive than an inauthentic version. Of course, many other skills are needed to create healthy relationships, such as good boundaries and open communication. Group therapy is the best choice for learning how to turn the rocking waters of relationships into smooth sailing. On that journey, compassionate conflict skills are an essential tool that will never let you down.