4월8일(화) 1. Manipulative in-law 2. No commitment

Manipulative in-law Dear Annie: My daughter-in-law, "Cheri," is gorgeous, intelligent, witty and charming. She is also spoiled, vindictive, manipulative and hurtful. Did I mention she lies? (My son jokes that she "exaggerates.") Three years ago, my son invited us to visit them. He even suggested we look at houses in the area. When I asked Cheri when we should arrive, she said, "Wednesday or Thursday." We arrived midday on Wednesday, she took one look at us and said, "You aren't supposed to be here until tomorrow!" She called my son to come home immediately. After dinner, we babysat while my son and Cheri went out for the evening. The next day, he went to work while we took care of the kids, cleaned up the kitchen, did the laundry and worked on the list of repairs Cheri gave my husband while she was out doing "errands." I was asked to cook dinner, which required a trip to the grocery store and $150 worth of food that Cheri picked out for us to buy. After a week of this, I lost my sense of humor and said some things to Cheri about the way we'd been treated. She said some things back. When I said I wanted to go home, she told me to pack. We were wrong to leave without talking to our son. I don't know what Cheri told him, but I suspect she "exaggerated." He hasn't spoken to us since, even though his father has had two heart surgeries. I fell into a deep depression and am just now getting better. We miss the grandkids. Since my apologies have fallen on deaf ears and my son won't listen, what can we do? -- Missing Them Dear Missing Them: We're sure she told him you arrived inconveniently, stayed too long, expected to be treated like royalty and picked a fight with her. She probably insisted he choose between you -- and he chose his wife. This is a sad but common story. It's a shame Cheri is too selfish to encourage her husband to see his parents on his own, and that he doesn't have the backbone to stand up to her. Keep trying, but don't expect much. You can benefit from discussing your grief and disappointment with a therapist who will help you come to terms with the situation. Dear Annie: My mother is a 79-year-old alcoholic. She has tried counseling and every program there is to stay sober, but time and again she falls off the wagon. She refuses to seek any more treatment. When Mom is in one of her dry spells, the rest of the family makes sure not to drink in her presence, even though we enjoy an occasional beer or cocktail. That means at the many family parties and picnics, no one brings alcohol so as not to tempt Mom. When she is off the wagon again, we let everyone know they can drink. Should we continue this charade, or should we just let Mom deal with her own sobriety? Some of the relatives are tired of it. -- Trying to Help in Ohio Dear Ohio: You are not responsible for Mom's sobriety, but if you serve alcohol, Mom will feel it is acceptable for her to drink, so yes, maintaining the charade likely helps her stay sober -- at least for the duration of the party. In the long run, it probably doesn't matter much. If you haven't looked into Al-Anon (al-anon.alateen.org), you might do so at 1-888-4-AL-ANON (1-888-425-2666). 2008.03.28     No commitment Dear Annie: I am a 38-year-old divorced mother with two sons, and I've been dating "Tim" for five years. Tim is 40, never married and still lives at home with his parents and a 47-year-old brother. Tim and I were engaged (I popped the question), but while planning the wedding, he started acting odd. I asked what was wrong, and he said he was afraid of being a stepparent and concerned about the amount of fighting between us. He also said I wasn't the woman he "pictured he would marry." So I called it off, completely dejected. We reconciled a few months later, started couples counseling and things seemed to be progressing smoothly. To figure out if he could handle being a parent, he moved in with me six months ago. Last week, I again brought up marriage. That led to an argument, and I finally told him to make a commitment or move out. Tim says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but he needs more time. Yet, he never follows through on anything, and every time I want to discuss our future, he shuts down and runs away to his parents' house. I've told his mother that allowing him to live there as an adult has stifled him emotionally. Tim has no real life experience (paying rent, taxes, grocery bills, etc.) and is petrified of adult responsibility. I asked her to not allow him to return home, but she refused. I've also spoken to his brother, who says I should be less demanding and more understanding. I love Tim and his family, but I've been more than patient. What else can I do? -- Fool in Love Dear Fool: Tim is a little boy pretending to be a man. Of course he's scared. He will never be able to commit to you or anyone else (nor would you want him to) until he learns to stand on his own two feet. If you are looking for marriage in the not-too-distant future, you will have to find it elsewhere. Dear Annie: I have a hot-tempered husband who is quick to yell, and he tends to be worse when stressed or in a hurry. I have put up with this for over 25 years. Now I want him to know that if you stab someone with your knives (angry words) and you don't bother to pull them out and bandage the wound (saying you're sorry), then the wounds can't heal and eventually begin to fester. I'm not sure if my husband is too proud to apologize or if he never learned how. He seems to think if he acts like nothing happened, everything will be OK. I've done my best to forgive and forget, but there's an empty space where love used to be. I don't think he knows how much this has hurt our marriage, so please pass along this message for me. -- Wounded and Not Healing Dear Wounded: This is one of those messages you really need to pass along yourself. Your husband can't read your mind and may not understand how much a sincere apology can smooth over rough spots that otherwise get bumpier. Ask him to go with you for counseling. It won't help to suffer in silence. 2008.03.29