4월16일(수)1. Abusive Parents 2.Left in the Lurch

Abusive Parents Dear Annie: My daughter and her husband present extremely well in public. In fact, they are foster parents to infants. But behind closed doors, things are very ugly. The foster babies are well cared for and my daughter requires the extra income they bring. However, their own children bear the brunt of their parents' frustrations. My daughter often screams at her kids and uses painful physical force to get their attention. My son-in-law is usually passive, but I have occasionally witnessed him physically lashing out at his children, as well. I try to help my grandchildren by visiting them, but I come home crying and fearing for their emotional wellness. What else can I do? -- Worried Grandmother Dear Grandmother: For the sake of those children, you need to report your daughter to the authorities and let them investigate the abuse. (This can be done anonymously.) Can you babysit the kids in your home on the weekends or after school so Mom and Dad can get a break? Can you afford to hire someone to help them with child care? They sound overwhelmed and stressed, and they are taking it out on the children. Do whatever you can to help them. Dear Annie: I am seven years into my marriage to "Jim." It was great until his ex-wife moved back to town six months after the wedding, with the express purpose of breaking us up. Jim visits her home every other weekend to see his grandson and frequently calls her to talk about their three children, even though they all are adults. She does not acknowledge my existence, which makes the relationship between my husband's children and me very difficult. I don't mind when Jim and his ex discuss the birth of a grandchild or an emergency situation, but why does he have to see her and call her so often at this stage of their lives? I think it only encourages her. Jim's youngest son lives with us because he quit his job without having another lined up. He moves in and out of our house as though it has a revolving door. When my daughter moved back home because she was unemployed, Jim threw her out. The only reason his son has his current job is because his father got it for him. He is otherwise totally unmotivated. Jim refuses to give him a deadline to move out. I can't believe any other woman would put up with this. What should I do? -- Odd Woman Out in Pennsylvania Dear Odd: Jim's ex cannot break up your marriage unless your husband is cooperative. It is OK if he and his ex-wife are on friendly terms -- it makes things easier when it comes to children, grandchildren and family events. Visiting every other weekend to see his grandchild is also not excessive. Phone calls, however, should be limited to necessary conversation, especially since this bothers you so much. As for the freeloading son, is he paying rent? He should be. It sounds as if Jim has marginalized you from decisions regarding his ex-wife and children, and this is unfair and potentially destructive to your marriage. Tell him the two of you must work on it together. If he won't cooperate, please talk to a marriage counselor.2008.04.10 Left in the Lurch Dear Annie: A friend of mine has a major milestone birthday coming up this summer. A group of his teammates from a sports league wants to surprise him by renting a house in a resort town 800 miles away. They plan to split the birthday guy's share of the rental and expect those of us who do not go to the resort to pay for his airfare and travel money. This trip would take place the weekend of his birthday. I and other friends are somewhat miffed that we are asked to contribute to a special event that many of us are not financially able to attend. (His teammates earn roughly twice what we do.) We had planned to pool our money to take the birthday boy on a cocktail cruise in our own city, but now he will be out of town. We realize this is not about us, and I know the trip would mean a lot to him. Should we contribute as asked or politely decline? Should we make a token contribution and then proceed with our own plans later? -- Left in the Lurch Dear Lurch: That birthday boy is lucky to have so many friends eager to celebrate with him. You do not have to contribute to a "gift" you cannot afford, didn't choose and won't be able to enjoy. The resort trip should be a present from his teammates. You and your other friends can celebrate however you like, and it doesn't have to be on the same day. The previous or following weekend would be equally appreciated. Dear Annie: I'm sure you've heard of road rage. I have a new term -- secondhand smoke rage. We live in a condo in Florida. For two years, we have been subjected to our downstairs neighbor's 24/7 chain-smoking habit. When we moved in, we had no idea she smoked. Every time we try to discuss it with her, she ratchets up the harassment another notch. Initially, she flooded our patio with smoke to the extent that we could no longer open the doors. Now the smoke is coming through the floor in other areas of the house. Our guest bathroom (directly above hers) is so full of smoke, it is unusable. We brought our case before the condo association board, but this neighbor is the board president and we were ignored. We fear for our health (I am allergic and suffer from an autoimmune disorder) and resent the constant stress of being put in this situation. We are close to retirement age and not in a position to sell in a down real estate market. Any advice? -- Gasping for Breath Dear Gasping: Try being less confrontational. The ventilation system is part of the problem and not her fault. It's also possible your patio was flooded with smoke because she was trying to keep the smoke outside. She may be puffing away in her bathroom in order to keep the smoke to a minimum elsewhere. Explain that you understand she is doing her best, but the smoke is still pervading your unit and affecting your health. Ask if there is anything you can do to make the situation better. If she is indeed doing this on purpose and the condominium board will not address it, your choices, unfortunately, are to sue the board, put in a filtration system or move out. Sorry.  2008.04.09