스크랩 영미산문(2017신규) 12-14강 Coming Home Again-강독해설

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영미산문(2017신규) 12-13강 Coming Home Again-강독해설

                                                                                                                       By Chang-rae Lee

                                                                                            자료재편집 및 해설: 이종운영어학교실

                                                                                             http://cafe.daum.net/leebdsn

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When my mother began using the electronic pump that fed her liquids and medication, we moved her to the family room. The bedroom she shared with my father was upstairs, and it was impossible to carry the machine up and down all day and night. The pump itself was attached to a metal stand on casters, and she pulled it along wherever she went.

When my mother began using the electronic pump that fed her liquids and medication, we moved her to the family room. The bedroom she shared with my father was upstairs, and it was impossible to carry the machine up and down all day and night. The pump itself was attached to a metal stand on casters, and she pulled it along wherever she went.

우리 어머니가 수액과 약물을 공급해주는 전자 펌프를 이용하기 시작하셨을 때, 우리는 어머니를 거실로 옮겨드렸다. 어머니가 아버지와 함께 쓰시던 침실은 이층에 있어서 전자 펌프를 하루 종일 위층으로 또 아래층으로 운반하는 것은 불가능하였다. 펌프는 다리바퀴가 달린 금속제 스탠드에 부착되어 있었고, 어머니는 그 펌프를 가는 곳 마다 끌고 다니셨다.

★the electronic pump that fed her liquids and medication : 그녀의 수액과 약물을 공급한 전자 폄프 cf. feed sth to sb/ feed sb with sth

★casters : (의자 등의) 다리 바퀴

From anywhere in the house, you could hear the sound of the wheels clicking out a steady time over the grout lines of the slate-tiled foyer, her main thoroughfare to the bathroom and the kitchen. Sometimes you would hear her halt after only a few steps, to catch her breath or steady her balance, and whatever you were doing was instantly suspended by a pall of silence.

From anywhere in the house, you could hear the sound of the wheels clicking out a steady time over the grout lines of the slate-tiled foyer, her main thoroughfare to the bathroom and the kitchen. Sometimes you would hear her halt after only a few steps, to catch her breath or steady her balance, and whatever you were doing was instantly suspended by a pall of silence.

집안 어느 곳에서든 우리는 슬레이트 타일이 깔린 현관방의 타일 틈새 선을 넘어가면서 바퀴가 규칙적으로 내는 달가닥거리는 소리를 들을 수 있었다. 이 현관방은 어머니가 화장실과 주방으로 가는 주된 대로였다. 때로 우리는 어머니가 몇 발짝만 떼신 후 숨을 돌리거나 균형을 잡기 위해서 멈춰 서는 것을 듣곤 했는데, 우리가 하던 일은 무엇이었든 간에 즉시 정적의 장막 속에서 중단되었다.

★a steady time over the grout lines of the slate-tiled foyer : 슬레이트 타일이 깔린 현관방의 타일 틈새 선을 넘어가면서 바퀴가 규칙적으로 내는

★by a pall of silence : 정적의 장막에 의해

I was usually in the kitchen, preparing lunch or dinner, poised over the butcher block with her favorite chef's knife in my hand and her old yellow apron slung around my neck. I'd be breathless in the sudden quiet, and, having ceased my mincing and chopping, would stare blankly at the brushed sheen of the blade.

I was usually in the kitchen, preparing lunch or dinner, poised over the butcher block with her favorite chef's knife in my hand and her old yellow apron slung around my neck. I'd be breathless in the sudden quiet, and, having ceased my mincing and chopping, would stare blankly at the brushed sheen of the blade.

나는 보통 부엌 조리대 도마부분 위로 자세를 잡고서 어머니가 특히 아끼시는 요리용 칼을 들고 어머니의 오래된 노란 에이프런을 목에 걸치고 점심이나 저녁을 준비하면서 주방에 있었다. 나는 갑작스러운 정적 속에서 숨을 멈추곤 했고, 다지거나 썰다 말고, 칼날의 잘 닦인 광택을 멍하니 바라보곤 했다.

★poised over the butcher block : 부엌 조리대의 도마부분 위에 중심을 잡고

★slung around my neck 목 주위에 두르고

★I'd : =I would (과거의 습관)

★ceased my mincing and chopping : 내가 따지고 자르던 것을 멈추다

★would stare blankly at : 멍하니 응시했다.

Eventually, she would clear her throat or call out to say she was fine, then begin to move again, starting her rhythmic ka-jug ka-jug: and only then could I go on with my cooking, the world of our house turning once more, wheeling through the black.

Eventually, she would clear her throat or call out to say she was fine, then begin to move again, starting her rhythmic ka-jug ka-jug: and only then could I go on with my cooking, the world of our house turning once more, wheeling through the black.

마침내 어머니는 헛기침을 하시거나 큰소리로 난 괜찮아 라고 말씀하시고는 다시 움직이면서 리드미컬한 덜걱 덜걱 소리를 내기 시작하시곤 했다. 그리고 그때가 되어서야 나는 요리를 계속할 수 있었고, 우리 집안의 세상이 어둠을 벗어나서 다시 한 번 돌아가기 시작했다.

★she would clear her throat : 어머니가 헛기침을 하다.

★only then could I go on : only when이 문두로 도치된 구문으로 첫 조동사가 주어 왼쪽으로 상승한 구문임.

I wasn't cooking for my mother but for the rest of us. When she first moved downstairs she was still eating, though scantily, more just to taste what we were having than from any genuine desire for food. The point was simply to sit together at the kitchen table and array ourselves like a family again.

I wasn't cooking for my mother but for the rest of us. When she first moved downstairs /she was still eating, though scantily, more just to taste what we were having than from any genuine desire for food. The point was simply to sit together at the kitchen table and array ourselves like a family again.

나는 어머니를 위해서가 아니라 어머니를 제외한 나머지 식구들을 위해서 요리를 하고 있었다. 맨 처음 아래층으로 옮기셨을 때 어머니는 아주 미미하게나마 여전히 음식을 드시기는 했는데, 진짜로 식욕이 있어서가 아니라 그저 우리가 먹고 있던 음식의 맛을 보기 위해서였다. 중요한 점은 그저 주방 식탁에 함께 다시 한 가족답게 자리 잡고 앉는 것이었다.

★though scantily : 아주 미미하게나마

★more just to taste what we were having than from any genuine desire for food : 진짜 무엇을 먹고 싶어서라기보다는 단지 우리가 먹고 있던 음식의 맛을 보기 위해서

★array ourselves like a family again : 다시 한 가족답게 식탁에 나란히 둘러앉다.

My mother would gently set herself down in her customary chair near the stove. I sat across from her, my father and sister to my left and right, and crammed in the center was all the food I had made -- a spicy codfish stew, say, or a casserole of gingery beef, dishes that in my youth she had prepared for us a hundred times.

My mother would gently set herself down in her customary chair near the stove. I sat across from her, my father and sister to my left and right, and crammed in the center was all the food I had made -- a spicy codfish stew, say, or a casserole of gingery beef, dishes that in my youth she had prepared for us a hundred times.

어머니는 종종 앉던 난롯가의 의자에 조용히 앉으시곤 했다. 나는 어머니 건너편에 앉았고, 아버지와 누이동생은 왼쪽과 오른쪽에 앉았으며, 식탁 가운데 가득, 내가 만든 요리가 모두 차려져 있었다. 말하자면 대구매운탕이나 소갈비찜 같이 내가 어렸을 적에 어머니가 우리들에게 무수히 차려주셨던 음식들이었다.

★a spicy codfish stew, say, or a casserole of gingery beef : 말하자면 대구매운탕이나 생강 맛이 나는 소갈비 찜

It had been ten years since we'd all lived together in the house, which at fifteen I had left to attend boarding school in New Hampshire. My mother would sometimes point this out, by speaking of our present time as being "just like before Exeter," which surprised me, given how proud she always was that I was a graduate of the school.

It had been ten years since we'd all lived together in the house, which at fifteen I had left to attend boarding school in New Hampshire. My mother would sometimes point this out, by speaking of our present time as being "just like before Exeter," which surprised me, given how proud she always was that I was a graduate of the school.

우리 모두가 그 집에서 함께 살았던 이후로 십년이 지났는데, 나는 열다섯 살에 뉴햄프셔에 있는 기숙학교를 다니기 위해 그 집을 떠났었다. 어머니는 가끔씩 그 점을 지적하시곤 한다. 우리가 지금 가지는 시간이 “네가 엑시터 고등학교에 가기 전과 똑 같아”라고 말씀하시면서 말이다. 내가 그 학교 졸업생이라는 사실을 어머니가 항상 얼마나 자랑스러워 하셨는지를 감안했을 때 그 말씀은 나를 놀라게 했다.

★would sometimes point this out : 때로는 이것을 지적하시곤 했다.

★given how proud she always was : 어머니가 얼마나 자랑스러워 하셨는지 감안하면

My going to such a place was part of my mother's not so secret plan to change my character, which she worried was becoming too much like hers. I was clever and able enough, but without outside pressure I was readily given to sloth and vanity. The famous school -- which none of us knew the first thing about -- would prove my mettle. She was right, of course, and while I was there I would falter more than a few times, academically and otherwise.

My going to such a place was part of my mother's not so secret plan to change my character, which she worried was becoming too much like hers. I was clever and able enough, but without outside pressure I was readily given to sloth and vanity. The famous school - which none of us knew the first thing about - would prove my mettle. She was right, of course, and while I was there I would falter more than a few times, academically and otherwise.

내가 그 학교를 가게 된 것은 내 성격을 고치려는 어머니의 그리 은밀하지 않은 계획의 일부였다. 어머니는 내 성격이 어머니의 성격을 너무 닮아간다고 걱정하셨던 것이다. 나는 똑똑하고 꽤 유능했지만, 다른 사람의 압력이 없으면 게을러지고 자만하기 쉬웠다. 우리 가족 중 누구도 잘 알지 못했던 그 명문교가 내 열의를 드러내 보여줄 것이었다. 물론 어머니가 옳으셨고, 그 학교에 다니면서 나는 공부 쪽이나 다른 쪽에서 몇 번 용기를 잃곤 했다.

★was part of my mother's not so secret plan : 어머니의 그다지 비밀이라고 할 것도 안되는 계획(뻔히 드러난 계힉)

★my character, which she worried : which 의 선행사는 my character이며 she worried는 삽입구문임.

★without outside pressure : 외적인 압력/충격이 없다면

★I was readily given to sloth and vanity : 금반 자만해지고 게을러지기 쉬웠다.

★which none of us knew the first thing about : 우리 가족 중 누구도 그 학교에 대해서 아무것도 아는 것이 없었다.

★would prove my mettle : 나의 기질/기개를 입증시킬 것이다.

But I never thought that my leaving home then would ever be a problem for her, a private quarrel she would have even as her life waned. Now her house was full again. My sister had just resigned from her job in New York City, and my father, who typically saw his psychiatric patients until eight or nine in the evening, was appearing in the driveway at four-thirty.

But I never thought that my leaving home then would ever be a problem for her, a private quarrel she would have even as her life waned. Now her house was full again. My sister had just resigned from her job in New York City, and my father, who typically saw his psychiatric patients until eight or nine in the evening, was appearing in the driveway at four-thirty.

하지만 나는 그 당시 내가 집을 떠나는 것이 결코 어머니에게 무슨 문제가 되리라고는, 어머니의 삶이 끝나가는 동안까지도 어머니가 내면의 전쟁을 겪으시리라고는 생각하지 못 했다. 이제 어머니의 집은 다시 가득 찼다. 여동생은 막 뉴욕시에서 다니던 직장을 그만두었고, 아버지는, 보통은 저녁 여덟 아홉시까지 정신과 환자를 진료하셨지만, 네 시 반이면 대문으로 차를 몰고 들어오시곤 했다.

★a private quarrel she would have : 어머니가 겪으시는 내면의 전쟁/고통

I had been living at home for nearly a year and was in the final push of work on what would prove a dismal failure of a novel. When I wasn't struggling over my prose, I kept occupied with the things she usually did -- the daily errands, the grocery shopping, the vacuuming and the cleaning, and, of course, all the cooking.

I had been living at home for nearly a year and was in the final push of work on what would prove a dismal failure of a novel. When I wasn't struggling over my prose, I kept occupied with the things she usually did -- the daily errands, the grocery shopping, the vacuuming and the cleaning, and, of course, all the cooking.

나는 집에서 거의 일 년 정도 살고 있었고 참담하게 실패한 소설로 판명이 될 글을 마무리하려고 노력하고 있었다. 그 소설을 쓰려고 고심하고 있지 않을 때는 나는 어머니가 늘 하시던 일에 전념했다. 일상적인 심부름, 장보기, 진공청소기 돌리기, 청소, 그리고 물론 전담하는 요리도 포함되었다.

★was in the final push of work on : 마지막 끝마무리에 힘을 쏟고 있었다.

★what would prove a dismal failure of a novel : 참담하게 실패한 소설로 판명이 될 것

When I was six or seven years old, I used to watch my mother as she prepared our favorite meals. It was one of my daily pleasures. She shooed me away in the beginning, telling me that the kitchen wasn't my place, and adding, in her half-proud, half-deprecating way, that her kind of work would only serve to weaken me. "Go out and play with your friends," she'd snap in Korean, "or better yet, do your reading and homework." She knew that I had already done both, and that as the evening approached there was no place to go save her small and tidy kitchen, from which the clatter of her mixing bowls and pans would ring through the house.

When I was six or seven years old, I used to watch my mother as she prepared our favorite meals. It was one of my daily pleasures. She shooed me away in the beginning, telling me that the kitchen wasn't my place, and adding, in her half-proud, half-deprecating way, that her kind of work would only serve to weaken me. "Go out and play with your friends," she'd snap in Korean, "or better yet, do your reading and homework." She knew that I had already done both, and that as the evening approached there was no place to go save her small and tidy kitchen, from which the clatter of her mixing bowls and pans would ring through the house.

예닐곱 살 무렵에 나는 어머니가 우리가 좋아하는 음식을 만드시는 동안 지켜보곤 했다. 그 일은 매일처럼 내게는 즐거움이었다. 어머니는 처음에는 나를 쫓아내셨다. 주방은 내가 있을 곳이 아니라고, 반쯤은 자랑스럽게, 또 반쯤은 자기 비하를 하는 어조로 말씀하시면서, 어머니가 하시는 종류의 일은 나를 약하게 만들기만 할 거라고 덧붙이셨다. “나가서 친구들하고 놀아라,” 어머니는 한국말로 딱 잘라 말하셨다. “아니면 책을 읽거나 숙제를 하는 게 더 낫겠다.” 어머니는 내가 두 가지를 모두 이미 다 했다는 걸 알고 있었고, 저녁이 돼가면서 어머니의 조그맣고 잘 정돈된 주방 말고는 내가 갈 곳이 없다는 것도 알고 있었다. 그 주방으로부터 어머니의 조리용 주발과 냄비가 달가닥달가닥 하는 소리가 온 집안에 울려 퍼졌다.

★shooed me away : 쉬하고 나를 쫓아내다. 얼씬도 못하게 하다.

★only serve to weaken me : 단지 나를 약하게 만든다.

★she'd snap in Korean : 어머니는 한국말로 딱딱거리며 말씀하셨다.

I would enter the kitchen quietly and stand beside her, my chin lodging upon the point of her hip. Peering through the crook of her arm, I beheld the movements of her hands. For kalbi, she would take up a butchered short rib in her narrow hand, the flinty bone shaped like a section of an airplane wing and deeply embedded in gristle and flesh, and with the point of her knife cut so that the bone fell away, though not completely, leaving it connected to the meat by the barest opaque layer of tendon. Then she methodically butterflied the flesh, cutting and unfolding, repeating the action until the meat lay out on her board, glistening and ready for seasoning.

I would enter the kitchen quietly and stand beside her, my chin lodging upon the point of her hip. Peering through the crook of her arm, I beheld the movements of her hands. For kalbi, she would take up a butchered short rib in her narrow hand, the flinty bone shaped like a section of an airplane wing and deeply embedded in gristle and flesh, and with the point of her knife cut so that the bone fell away, though not completely, leaving it connected to the meat by the barest opaque layer of tendon. Then she methodically butterflied the flesh, cutting and unfolding, repeating the action until the meat lay out on her board, glistening and methodically butterflied the flesh.

나는 조용히 주방에 들어가서 턱을 어머니 엉덩이에 올려놓고 곁에 서 있곤 했다. 엄마의 굽은 팔 사이로, 나는 어머니의 손이 움직이는 걸 지켜보았다. 갈비를 재기 위해서, 어머니는 정육점에서 손질이 된 갈비를 갸름한 손으로 집어 들곤 했는데, 단단한 뼈는 비행기 날개의 일부처럼 생겼고 연골과 살코기 사이에 파묻혀 있었으며, 어머니의 칼끝으로 잘리면 뼈가 완전히는 아니게 잘려나가서 흐릿한 힘줄로 가까스로 살코기에 연결되어 있었다. 그런 다음 어머니는 찬찬히 살을 펼치셨는데, 자르고 펼치는 동작을 되풀이하면 마침내 고기가 도마 위에 번쩍거리면서 양념을 잴 준비가 되어 놓여있었다.

★my chin lodging upon the point of her hip : 내 턱을 어머니의 엉덩이 부분에 대고

★the flinty bone shaped like a section of an airplane wing : 비행기 날개를 잘라낸 조각처럼 생긴 단단한 뼈

★deeply embedded in gristle and flesh : 연골과 살코기 에 깊숙이 박힌

★by the barest opaque layer of tendon : 힘줄의 완전한 우유 빛 층에 의해(힘줄에 걸려)

★methodically butterflied the flesh : 살코기를 규칙적으로 나비모양으로 펼치다.

★methodically butterflied the flesh : 양념을 잴 준비가 되다.

She scored it diagonally, then sifted sugar into the crevices with her pinched fingers, gently rubbing in the crystals. The sugar would tenderize as well as sweeten the meat. She did this with each rib, and then set them all aside in a large shallow bowl. She minced a half-dozen cloves of garlic, a stub of ginger root, sliced up a few scallions, and spread it all over the meat. She wiped her hands and took out a bottle of sesame oil, and, after pausing for a moment, streamed the dark oil in two swift circles around the bowl. After adding a few splashes of soy sauce, she thrust her hands in and kneaded the flesh, careful not to dislodge the bones.

She scored it diagonally, then sifted sugar into the crevices with her pinched fingers, gently rubbing in the crystals. The sugar would tenderize as well as sweeten the meat. She did this with each rib, and then set them all aside in a large shallow bowl. She minced a half-dozen cloves of garlic, a stub of ginger root, sliced up a few scallions, and spread it all over the meat. She wiped her hands and took out a bottle of sesame oil, and, after pausing for a moment, streamed the dark oil in two swift circles around the bowl. After adding a few splashes of soy sauce, she thrust her hands in and kneaded the flesh, careful not to dislodge the bones.

어머니는 그 고기에 비스듬히 칼집을 내셨고, 그 다음에는 야윈 두 손가락으로 설탕을 집어 비벼서 칼집에 하얀 설탕 결정을 부드럽게 뿌렸다. 설탕은 갈비 살을 부드럽게 해주고 감미롭게 만들어주었다. 어머니는 그 과정을 갈비 한 대마다 되풀이 하셨고, 그 다음에는 크고 얕은 주발에 담아 옆에 놓으셨다. 어머니는 마늘 대여섯 쪽과 생강 한 뿌리를 다지고, 파 서너 뿌리를 송송 썰어서 고기에 골고루 흩뿌리셨다. 두 손을 닦으시고서는 참기름 병을 꺼내고 잠시 쉬었다가 주발 위에서 두 바퀴를 돌리면서 검은 참기름을 치셨다. 간장병을 몇 번 기울여 뿌린 후에 어머니는 두 손을 집어넣어 고기를 주물렀는데, 뼈가 떨어져 나가지 않도록 조심하셨다.

★scored : 칼집을 내다.

★minced a half-dozen cloves of garlic, a stub of ginger root ; 마늘 대여섯 쪽과 생강 한 뿌리를 다지다.

★sliced up a few scallions : 파 몇 뿌리를 송송 썰다.

★careful not to dislodge the bones : 뼈가 떨어져 나가지 않도록 주의하다.

I asked her why it mattered that they remain connected. "The meat needs the bone nearby," she said, "to borrow its richness." She wiped her hands clean of the marinade, except for her little finger, which she would flick with her tongue from time to time, because she knew that the flavor of a good dish developed not at once but in stages.

I asked her why it mattered that they remain connected. "The meat needs the bone nearby," she said, "to borrow its richness." She wiped her hands clean of the marinade, except for her little finger, which she would flick with her tongue from time to time, because she knew that the flavor of a good dish developed not at once but in stages.

나는 어머니에게 왜 뼈가 붙어있는 게 중요한지를 여쭤보았다. “고기 옆에 뼈가 있어야 해,” 어머니는 말씀하셨다. “자양분이 배어나오거든.” 어머니는 두 손에 묻은 양념을 닦으셨는데 새끼손가락은 예외였다. 어머니는 새끼손가락을 가끔씩 혀로 핥아보시곤 했는데, 좋은 요리의 맛이 즉시 나오는 게 아니라 단계적으로 우러나온다는 것을 아셨기 때문이었다.

★why it mattered that they remain connected : 왜 그것이 중요한지

★to borrow its richness : 자양분을 배어나오게 하다.

★developed not at once but in stages : 즉시 나오는 게 아니라 단계적으로 우러나온다

Whenever I cook, I find myself working just as she would, readying the ingredients -- a mash of garlic, a julienne of red peppers, fantails of shrimp -- and piling them in little mounds about the cutting surface. My mother never left me any recipes, but this is how I learned to make her food, each dish coming not from a list or a card but from the aromatic spread of a board.

Whenever I cook, I find myself working just as she would, readying the ingredients -- a mash of garlic, a julienne of red peppers, fantails of shrimp -- and piling them in little mounds about the cutting surface. My mother never left me any recipes, but this is how I learned to make her food, each dish coming not from a list or a card but from the aromatic spread of a board.

요리를 할 때마다 나는 어머니가 요리하시던 것과 똑같이 하고 있는 나 자신을 발견한다. 마늘 다진 것과 홍고추 채 썬 것과 새우 등을 준비하고, 그것들을 도마 위에 조그만 무더기로 쌓으면서 말이다. 어머니는 내게 어떠한 요리법도 물려주지 않으셨지만, 나는 이렇게 해서 어머니의 음식을 만드는 법을 배웠다. 각각의 요리가 목록이나 카드에서 나오는 것이 아니라 식탁의 향기가 퍼져나가는 것으로부터 나오는 것이다.

★ a julienne of red peppers : 홍고추를 잘게 써 실고추

I've always thought it was particularly cruel that the cancer was in her stomach and that for a long time at the end she couldn't eat. The last meal I made for her was on New Year's Eve, 1990. My sister suggested that instead of a rib roast or a bird, or the usual overflow of Korean food, we make all sorts of finger dishes that our mother might fancy and pick at. We set the meal out on the glass coffee table in the family room.

I've always thought it was particularly cruel that the cancer was in her stomach and that for a long time at the end she couldn't eat. The last meal I made for her was on New Year's Eve, 1990. My sister suggested that instead of a rib roast or a bird, or the usual overflow of Korean food, we make all sorts of finger dishes that our mother might fancy and pick at. We set the meal out on the glass coffee table in the family room.

나는 어머니가 위암에 걸려서 마지막에는 오랫동안 식사를 하실 수 없었다는 것이 특히 잔인하다고 항상 생각해왔다. 어머니를 위해서 내가 마지막으로 준비했던 식사는 1990년 12월 31일 저녁이었다. 여동생은 갈비나 가금류나 늘 넘쳐나는 한국 음식 대신에 우리 어머니가 마음에 들어 하시고 조금씩 드실 수 있는, 집어먹어도 되는 여러 가지 음식을 장만하자고 제안했다. 우리는 그날 거실 유리 커피 탁자에 상을 차렸다.

I prepared a tray of smoked-salmon canapés, fried some Korean bean cakes, and made a few other dishes I thought she might enjoy. My sister supervised me, arranging the platters, and then with some pomp carried each dish in to our parents.

Finally, I brought out a bottle of champagne in a bucket of ice. My mother had moved to the sofa and was sitting up, surveying the low table. "It looks pretty nice," she said. "I think I'm feeling hungry."

I prepared a tray of smoked-salmon canapés, fried some Korean bean cakes, and made a few other dishes I thought she might enjoy. My sister supervised me, arranging the platters, and then with some pomp carried each dish in to our parents.

Finally, I brought out a bottle of champagne in a bucket of ice. My mother had moved to the sofa and was sitting up, surveying the low table. "It looks pretty nice," she said. "I think I'm feeling hungry."

나는 훈제 연어 카나페 한 접시를 준비했고, 두부를 조금 부쳤으며, 어머니가 즐길 수 있을 것으로 내가 생각했던 다른 요리도 몇 가지 장만했다. 여동생은 접시를 준비하면서 조언을 해주었으며, 폼을 잡으면서 요리를 하나하나 부모님께로 날랐다. 나는 맨 나중에 샴페인 한 병을 아이스 버킷에 담아 내왔다. 어머니는 소파 쪽으로 옮겨와서 허리를 곧추 세우고서는 낮은 커피 탁자를 살펴보셨다. “아주 멋져 보이는구나,” 어머니가 말씀하셨다. “시장기가 도는 것 같은데.”

★a tray of smoked-salmon canapés : 훈제 영어 카나페 한 접시

★arranging the platters : 커다란 접시를 준비하며

★with some pomp : 폼을 잡으며/재며

p. 158-

This made us all feel good, especially me, for I couldn't remember the last time she had felt any hunger or had eaten something I cooked. We began to eat. My mother picked up a piece of salmon toast and took a tiny corner in her mouth. She rolled it around for a moment and then pushed it out with the tip of her tongue, letting it fall back onto her plate. She swallowed hard, as if to quell a gag, then glanced up to see if we had noticed. Of course we all had.She attempted a bean cake, some cheese, and then a slice of fruit, but nothing was any use.

This made us all feel good, especially me, for I couldn't remember the last time she had felt any hunger or had eaten something I cooked. We began to eat. My mother picked up a piece of salmon toast and took a tiny corner in her mouth. She rolled it around for a moment and then pushed it out with the tip of her tongue, letting it fall back onto her plate. She swallowed hard, as if to quell a gag, then glanced up to see if we had noticed. Of course we all had.She attempted a bean cake, some cheese, and then a slice of fruit, but nothing was any use.

이 말씀은 우리 모두를, 특히 나를 기분 좋게 만들었는데, 왜냐하면 어머니가 마지막으로 언제 시장기를 느끼거나 내가 요리한 무언가를 드셨는지 기억할 수 없었기 때문이었다. 우리는 먹기 시작했다. 어머니는 연어 토스트 한 조각을 집어 들고 귀퉁이를 조금 베어 물었다. 잠시 입속에서 이리저리 굴리시다가 혀끝으로 밀어내시자, 그 토스트 조각이 접시에 다시 떨어졌다.

어머니는 침을 꿀꺽 삼켰다, 마치 구역질이 치미는 것을 참으시려는 것처럼. 그리고는 우리가 눈치 챘는지 보려고 올려다보셨다. 물론 우리 모두 눈치 챘었다. 어머니는 두부부침과 치즈 조금과, 그 다음에는 과일 한 조각을 드시려고 해보았지만, 소용없었다.

★as if to quell a gag : 구역질을 가라앉히다.

She nodded at me anyway, and said, "Oh, it's very good." But I was already feeling lost and I put down my plate abruptly, nearly shattering it on the thick glass.

She nodded at me anyway, and said, "Oh, it's very good." But I was already feeling lost and I put down my plate abruptly, nearly shattering it on the thick glass.

어쨌든 어머니는 내게 고개를 끄덕이시고는 말씀하셨다. “야, 맛있는 걸.” 하지만 내가 이미 보람이 없다고 느끼면서 접시를 갑자기 내려놓는 바람에, 접시가 두꺼운 유리에 부딪혀서 산산조각 날 뻔했다.

There was an ugly pause before my father asked me in a weary, gentle voice if anything was wrong, and I answered that it was nothing, it was the last night of a long year, and we were together, and I was simply relieved. At midnight, I poured out glasses of champagne, even one for my mother, who took a deep sip. Her manner grew playful and light, and I helped her shuffle to her mattress, and she lay down in the place where in a brief week she was dead.

There was an ugly pause before my father asked me in a weary, gentle voice if anything was wrong, and I answered that it was nothing, it was the last night of a long year, and we were together, and I was simply relieved. At midnight, I poured out glasses of champagne, even one for my mother, who took a deep sip. Her manner grew playful and light, and I helped her shuffle to her mattress, and she lay down in the place where in a brief week she was dead.

잠시 거북한 침묵이 흐르다가 아버지가 내게, 지쳤지만 온화한 목소리로, 무슨 일이 있느냐고 물으셨고, 나는 아무 일도 아니라고, 그날이 길었던 한 해의 마지막 날이고 우리 모두가 한 자리에 모여서 마음이 놓였던 것뿐이라고 말씀드렸다. 자정 무렵에 나는 샴페인 여러 잔을 따르고, 어머니께도 한 잔 드렸는데, 어머니는 깊숙이 한 모금을 마셨다. 어머니는 쾌활하고 들뜬 기분이 되셨고, 나는 어머니가 침대까지 걸어가시는 걸 부축해드렸는데, 어머니는 그 침대에 누우셔서 겨우 일주일 후에 돌아가셨다.

★

My mother could whip up most anything, but during our first years of living in this country we ate only Korean foods. At my harangue like behest, my mother set herself to learning how to cook exotic American dishes. Luckily, a kind neighbor, Mrs. Churchill, a tall, florid young woman with flaxen hair, taught my mother her most trusted recipes.

My mother could whip up most anything, but during our first years of living in this country we ate only Korean foods. At my harangue like behest, my mother set herself to learning how to cook exotic American dishes. Luckily, a kind neighbor, Mrs. Churchill, a tall, florid young woman with flaxen hair, taught my mother her most trusted recipes.

어머니는 거의 모든 걸 재빨리 요리하실 수 있었지만, 미국에 처음 와서 몇 해 동안 우리는 한국 음식만 먹었다. 내 열정적인 간청에 어머니는 이국적인 미국 음식 요리법을 배우기 시작하셨다. 운 좋게도 이웃집에 살았던 친절한 처칠 부인이, 키가 크고 혈색이 좋으며 황갈색 머리의 젊은 분이었는데, 어머니에게 가장 자신 있는 요리법을 가르쳐주었다.

★whip up : 재빨리 준비하다.

★At my harangue like behest : 나의 열변을 토하는 간청에

Mrs. Churchill's two young sons, palish, weepy boys with identical crewcuts, always accompanied her, and though I liked them well enough, I would slip away from them after a few minutes, for I knew that the real action would be in the kitchen, where their mother was playing guide. Mrs. Churchill hailed from the state of Maine, where the finest Swedish meatballs and tuna casserole and angel food cake in America are made.

Mrs. Churchill's two young sons, palish, weepy boys with identical crewcuts, always accompanied her, and though I liked them well enough, I would slip away from them after a few minutes, for I knew that the real action would be in the kitchen, where their mother was playing guide. Mrs. Churchill hailed from the state of Maine, where the finest Swedish meatballs and tuna casserole and angel food cake in America are made.

처칠 부인의 어린 두 아들은 안색이 창백한 울보였고 머리 스타일도 똑같았는데, 언제나 엄마를 졸졸 따라다녔고, 나는 그 애들을 좋아하기는 했지만 몇 분 지나면 그 애들에게서 살짝 빠져나왔는데, 그 이유는 진짜 구경거리가 그 애들 엄마가 요리 강습을 하는 부엌에서 있을 거라는 걸 알았기 때문이었다. 처칠 부인은 메인 주 출신이었는데, 메인 주는 미국에서 가장 맛있는 고기완자와 참치 냄비요리와 케이크를 맛볼 수 있는 곳이다.

★with identical crewcuts, : 머리털을 똑같이 짧게 깎은

★hailed from : ~에서 오다, ~ 출신이다.

She readily demonstrated certain techniques how to layer wet sheets of pasta for a lasagna or whisk up a simple roux, for example. She often brought gift shoeboxes containing curious ingredients like dried oregano, instant yeast, and cream-of-mushroom soup. The two women, though at ease and jolly with each other, had difficulty communicating, and this was made worse by the often confusing terminology of Western cuisine ("corned beef," "deviled eggs"). Although I was just learning the language myself, I'd gladly play the interlocutor, jumping back and forth between their places at the counter, dipping my fingers into whatever sauce lay about.

She readily demonstrated certain techniques how to layer wet sheets of pasta for a lasagna or whisk up a simple roux, for example. She often brought gift shoeboxes containing curious ingredients like dried oregano, instant yeast, and cream-of-mushroom soup. The two women, though at ease and jolly with each other, had difficulty communicating, and this was made worse by the often confusing terminology of Western cuisine ("corned beef," "deviled eggs"). Although I was just learning the language myself, I'd gladly play the interlocutor, jumping back and forth between their places at the counter, dipping my fingers into whatever sauce lay about.

처칠 부인은 예컨대 축축한 파스타를 층층이 쌓아 올려 라자냐를 만들거나 간단한 밀가루 버터 볶음을 빨리 휘저어 요리하는 법을 기꺼이 실연해 보여주었다. 처칠 부인은 종종 말린 향신료인 오레가노와 인스턴트 이스트, 통조림 수프 등 호기심을 끄는 요리 재료를 선물 받은 구두상자에 담아 들고 왔다. 두 분은 서로 편안해 하고 유쾌하게 대하긴 했지만 의사소통에 어려움이 있었고, 이 어려움은 종종 혼란스러운 서양 요리의 용어(“쇠고기 소금절이”와 “겨자 바른 달걀요리”) 때문에 배가되었다. 당시 나 자신도 영어를 막 배우고 있기는 했지만, 기꺼이 양쪽을 대변하는 역할을 맡아서 두 분이 있는 조리대 양쪽으로 왔다 갔다 하면서 놓여있는 모든 소스에 손가락을 찍어 맛을 보았다.

★readily demonstrated : 기꺼이 실연해 보이다.

★whisk up : 거품을 애다.

★corned beef : 쇠고기 소금절이 ★deviled eggs : 계란 요리

★play the interlocutor :사회자/통역관 역을 맡다.

I was an insistent child, and, being my mother's firstborn, much too prized.

My mother could say no to me, and did often enough, but anyone who knew us -- particularly my father and sister -- could tell how much the denying pained her.

I was an insistent child, and, being my mother's firstborn, much too prized.

My mother could say no to me, and did often enough, but anyone who knew us -- particularly my father and sister -- could tell how much the denying pained her.

나는 고집 센 아이였고, 어머니의 장남이었기 때문에 너무 귀하게 자랐다. 어머니는 내게 안돼 라고 말씀하실 수 있었고, 또 종종 그렇게 말씀하시기도 했지만, 우리를 아는 사람은 누구든, 특히 아버지와 누이동생은, 그렇게 안 돼 라고 말씀하시는 것이 어머니에게는 얼마나 마음 아픈 일이었는지를 알 수 있었다.

★much too prized : 너무 귀하게 자라다.

★could tell : 알 수 있었다.

★how much the denying pained her : ‘완 돼’라고 부인하는 말이 얼마나 그녀에게 고통을 주었는지

And if I was overconscious of her indulgence even then, and suffered the rushing pangs of guilt that she could inflict upon me with the slightest wounded turn of her lip, I was too happily obtuse and venal to let her cease. She reminded me daily that I was her sole son, her reason for living, and that if she were to lose me, in either body or spirit, she wished that God would mercifully smite her down like a weak branch.

And if [I was overconscious of her indulgence even then, and suffered the rushing pangs of guilt /that she could inflict upon me/ with the slightest wounded turn of her lip], I was too happily obtuse and venal to let her cease. She reminded me daily that I was her sole son, her reason for living, and that [if she were to lose me, in either body or spirit], she wished that God would mercifully smite her down like a weak branch.

그리고 내가 심지어 그때에도 이미 어머니가 내 응석을 받아준다는 것을 잘 알고 있었지만, 그리고 어머니의 입술이 상처받은 표정으로 조금만 뒤틀려도 내가 심한 가책을 느끼긴 했지만, 나는 너무 둔감하고 타산적이어서 어머니가 응석 받아주기를 중단하도록 내버려둘 수 없었다. 어머니는 매일 내가 외아들이고 어머니가 살아가는 이유이며, 육체적으로든 정신적으로든 나를 잃는다면 하느님이 자신을 약한 나뭇가지처럼 자비롭게 거두어가셨으면 한다는 이야기를 되풀이 하셨다.

★And if : =and even if ~ 심지어 ~라 하더라도

★was overconscious of her indulgence: 어머니에게 내가 응석받이라는 것을 잘 알다

★and suffered the rushing pangs of guilt that she could inflict upon me : 어머니가 나에게 가할 수 있었던 격한 죄의식을 감내하다.

★with the slightest wounded turn of her lip : 어머니의 입술이 상처받은 표정으로 조금만 뒤틀려도

★I was too happily obtuse and venal to let her cease. 너무 둔감하고 타산적이어서 어머니가 응석 받아주기를 중단하도록 내버려둘 수 없었다.

★reminded me daily that : 매일 나에게 상기시켜주다

In the traditional fashion, she was the house accountant, the maid, the launderer, the disciplinarian, the driver, the secretary, and of course, the cook. She was also my first basketball coach. In South Korea, where girls' high-school basketball is a popular spectator sport, she had been a star, the point guard for the national high-school team that once won the all-Asia championships. I learned this one Saturday during the summer, when I asked my father if he would go down to the school yard and shoot some baskets with me. I had just finished the fifth grade, and wanted desperately to make the middle-school team the coming fall. He called for my mother and sister to come along.

In the traditional fashion, she was the house accountant, the maid, the launderer, the disciplinarian, the driver, the secretary, and of course, the cook. She was also my first basketball coach. In South Korea, where girls' high-school basketball is a popular spectator sport, she had been a star, the point guard for the national high-school team that once won the all-Asia championships. I learned this one Saturday during the summer, when I asked my father if he would go down to the school yard and shoot some baskets with me. I had just finished the fifth grade, and wanted desperately to make the middle-school team the coming fall. He called for my mother and sister to come along.

전통적인 방식으로 어머니는 집안의 경리 담당이자 하녀이자 세탁 담당이자 규율 부장에 운전사이자 비서이자, 당연히 요리사이셨다. 어머니는 또한 나의 첫 농구 코치이기도 했다. 한국에서는 여고 농구가 관중들에게 인기가 있는 스포츠의 하나인데 어머니는 한국의 농구 스타로, 한 번 아시아 선수권 대회에서도 우승을 한 적이 있는 국가대표 여고 농구팀의 포인트 가드였다.

그 사실을 나는 어느 해 여름의 토요일에 알게 되었다. 당시 나는 아버지께 학교 운동장에 나랑 함께 가서 농구를 하시겠느냐고 물어보았다. 나는 막 5학년을 마치고, 다가오는 가을에 중학교 농구 팀에 입단하기를 간절히 원하고 있었다. 아버지는 어머니와 누이동생을 큰소리로 불러 같이 가자고 하셨다.

★is a popular spectator sport : 관객이 많이 오는 인기 있는 스포츠

★to make the middle-school team the coming fall :가을 학기(새 학기)에 중학교 (농구)팀의 일원이 되다.

★called for my mother and sister to come along :엄마와 여동생에게 함께 가자고 요청하다. ask sb to do sth: ~에게 ~하기를 요청하다.

When we arrived, my sister immediately ran off to the swings, and I recall being annoyed that my mother wasn't following her. I dribbled clumsily around the key, on the verge of losing control of the ball, and flung a flat shot that caromed wildly off the rim. The ball bounced to my father, who took a few not so graceful dribbles and made an easy layup. He dribbled out and then drove to the hoop for a layup on the other side. He rebounded his shot and passed the ball to my mother, who had been watching us from the foul line. She turned from the basket and began heading the other way.

When we arrived, my sister immediately ran off to the swings, and I recall being annoyed /that my mother wasn't following her. I dribbled clumsily around the key, on the verge of losing control of the ball, and flung a flat shot/ [that caromed wildly off the rim]. The ball bounced to my father, who took a few not so graceful dribbles and made an easy layup. He dribbled out and then drove to the hoop for a layup on the other side. He rebounded his shot and passed the ball to my mother, who had been watching us from the foul line. She turned from the basket and began heading the other way.

도착했을 때 누이동생은 그네 있는 곳으로 쪼르르 달려 가버렸고, 내 기억으로는 어머니가 뒤따라가지 않았다고 내가 성가셔 했던 것 같다. 자유투 지역에서 내가 서투르게 드리블 하다가 막 볼 컨트롤을 잃을 뻔할 찰나에 평범한 플랫 슛을 했는데, 공이 링 테두리에 맞아 세게 되튕겨나왔다. 그 공은 되튀어 아버지에게로 갔는데, 아버지는 별로 우아하지 못한 드리블을 몇 번 한 후 쉽게 레이업 슛을 성공시키셨다. 아버지는 드리블해 나오다가 다시 반대쪽에서 골대를 향해 드리블해 와서 레이업 슛을 하셨다. 리바운드 볼을 잡으시고는 파울 라인에서 우리를 지켜보고 계시던 어머니에게 패스하셨다. 어머니는 골대에 등을 돌리고는 반대편 골대 쪽을 향해 드리블해 가셨다.

★ran off to the swings, 그네 쪽으로 내달리다.

★I recall being annoyed that ~ : ~라는 사실에 짜증이 나 있던 기억이 난다.

★ around the key : (농구 코트의)자유투지역(key모양의 라인이 있는 지역)

★on the verge of losing control of the ball, : 볼의 컨트롤을 막 잃으려는 찰라에

★flung a flat shot (so)that caromed wildly off the rim : 평범한 플랫 슛을 했는데, 공이 링 테두리에 맞아 세게 되 튕겨나왔다. cf. carom /kǽrəm/: 부딪혀 튀어나오다

★bounced to my father : 공이 튀어 아버지에게로 갔다.

★not so graceful : = not-so-graceful : 별로 우아하지도 못한

★made an easy layup : 쉽게 레이업 슛(공대 밑에서 하는 점프 슛)을 했다.

★began heading the other way : 반대쪽으로 가기 시작했다.

"Um-mah," I cried at her, my exasperation already bubbling over, "the basket's over here!"

After a few steps she turned around, and from where the professional three-point line must be now, she effortlessly flipped the ball up in a two-handed set shot, its flight truer and higher than I'd witnessed from any boy or man. The ball arced cleanly into the hoop, stiffly popping the chain-link net. All afternoon, she rained in shot after shot, as my father and I scrambled after her.

"Um-mah," I cried at her, my exasperation already bubbling over, "the basket's over here!"

After a few steps she turned around, and from where the professional three-point line must be now, she effortlessly flipped the ball up in a two-handed set shot, its flight truer and higher than I'd witnessed from any boy or man. The ball arced cleanly into the hoop, stiffly popping the chain-link net. All afternoon, she rained in shot after shot, as my father and I scrambled after her.

“엄마!” 하고 벌써 화가 끓어올라 있었던 내가 소리쳤다. “골대는 이쪽이라구요!”

몇 발짝 드리블을 한 후에 어머니는 돌아서서 요즘에 3점 슛 라인이라고 하는 지점에서 힘들이지 않고 양손을 써서 서서하는 슛을 쏘았는데, 그 공의 비행 궤적은 내가 그때까지 보았던 어느 청소년이나 남자 어른의 슛보다 더 정확하고 높았다. 공은 호를 그리며 링(후프) 속으로 깨끗하게 빨려들면서 그물 모양의 네트를 흔들리게 하지도 않은 채 훑듯 빠져나갔다. 오후 내내 어머니는 슛을 소나기처럼 퍼부었고, 아버지와 나는 헐레벌떡 어머니를 따라 다니기만 했다.

★my exasperation already bubbling over : (분사구문임) as my exasperation already (was) bubbling over 이미 나는 화가 부글부글 끓어올라 있었기 때문에

★its flight truer and higher than~ : =(분사구문임) and its flight (was) truer and higher than ~ : 그 공의 비행궤적은 ~보다 더 정확하고 높이 날랐다.

★stiffly popping the chain-link net : 쇠사슬처럼 엮은 네트를 흔들지도 않은 채 쏙 빠져나갔다. cf. pop : 쏙 들어오다/나가다

★scrambled after :앞을 다투어 ~하려고 하다.

When we got home from the playground, my mother showed me the photograph album of her team's championship run. For years, I kept it in my room, on the same shelf that housed the scrapbooks I made of basketball stars, with magazine clippings of slick players like Bubbles Hawkins and Pistol Pete and George (the Iceman) Gervin.

When we got home from the playground, my mother showed me the photograph album of her team's championship run. For years, I kept it in my room, on the same shelf that housed the scrapbooks /I made of basketball stars, with magazine clippings of slick players like Bubbles Hawkins and Pistol Pete and George (the Iceman) Gervin.

운동장을 나와 집에 도착했을 때, 어머니는 내게 아시아 선수권 대회 시합 장면 사진 앨범을 보여주셨다. 여러 해 동안 나는 그 앨범을 잡지에서 오려낸 버블즈 호킨스와 피스톨 피트와 조지(디 아이스먼) 거빈과 같은 일류 선수들의 기사로 만든 농구 스타들의 스크랩북을 보관하고 있는 내 방안의 바로 그 선반에 올려놓고 간수했다.

★the photograph album of her team's championship run : 챔피언십시합 장면사진

★housed : ~에 간수하다/보관하다, 수용하다/수납하다. 숙박시키다/거처를 제공하다.

★slick players : 훌륭한/일류의 선수들

It puzzled me how much she considered her own history to be immaterial, and if she never patently diminished herself, she was able to finesse a kind of self-removal by speaking of my father whenever she could. She zealously recounted his excellence as a student in medical school and reminded me, each night before I started my homework, of how hard he drove himself in his work to make a life for us.

It puzzled me how much she considered her own history to be immaterial, and if she never patently diminished herself, she was able to finesse a kind of self-removal by speaking of my father whenever she could. She zealously recounted his excellence as a student in medical school and reminded me, each night before I started my homework, of [how hard he drove himself in his work to make a life for us].

어머니가 자신의 역사(자신의 신상에 관한 것)가 얼마나 하찮게 생각하시는지 그것이 나를 곤혹스럽게 했고, 어머니는 스스로를 한 번도 공공연하게 깎아내리지는 않으셨지만, 얘기 할 수 있을 때마다 아버지에 관해서 얘기함으로써 자신에 관한 이야기를 교묘히 빠져 ㄴ나갈 수 있었다. 어머니는 의과대학원 시절의 아버지의 뛰어난 점을 열정적으로 자세히 열거하셨고, 매일 밤 내가 숙제를 시작하기 전에 우리 가족의 생계를 꾸려나가시기 위해 아버지가 직장에서 얼마나 스스로를 혹사시켰는지 상기시키셨다.

★ It puzzled me how much~ : ~가 나를 곤혹스럽게 하다.

★to be immaterial : 하찮다.

★and if she never patently diminished herself : 그녀가 심지어 자신을 공공연히 깎아내리지 않았다.

★to finesse a kind of self-removal : 자신을 교묘히 지우다/자신의 이야기를 피하다.

finesse: 교묘하게 처리하다, 능숙하게 해내다.

She said that because of his Asian face and imperfect English, he was "working two times the American doctors." I knew that she was building him up, buttressing him with both genuine admiration and her own brand of anxious braggadocio, and that her overarching concern was that I might fail to see him as she wished me to in the most dawning light, his pose steadfast and solitary.

She said that because of his Asian face and imperfect English, he was "working two times the American doctors." I knew that she was building him up, buttressing him with both genuine admiration and her own brand of anxious braggadocio, and that her overarching concern was that I might fail to see him as she wished me to in the most dawning light, his pose steadfast and solitary.

어머니는 아시아계 얼굴 모습과 불완전한 영어 실력 때문에 아버지가 “미국 의사들보다 두 배로 일하고 계신다”고 말씀하셨다. 나는 어머니가 아버지를 사기를 북돋우고, 진정한 찬탄과 어머니 나름의 불안한 허풍으로 치켜세우고 있다는 점을 알고 있었고, 또한 어머니가 내가 아버지를 어머니가 봐주었으면 하는 존재로, 즉 확고한 자세를 갖춘 외로운 분이라는 가장 밝은 관점에서, 보지 못할까봐 무엇보다도 걱정을 하셨다는 점을 알고 있었다.

★building him up : 그의 사기를 북돋우다

★buttressing him with both genuine admiration and her own brand of anxious braggadocio : 아버지를 진정한 찬탄과 어머니 나름의 불안한 허풍으로 치켜세우고 있다

★her overarching concern : 가장 크게 드리운 걱정

★as she wished me to : =as she wished me to (see him)

★in the most dawning light : 가장 밝은 관점에서

In the year before I left for Exeter, I became weary of her oft-repeated accounts of my father's success. I was a teen-ager, and so ever inclined to be dismissive and bitter toward anything that had to do with family and home. Often enough, my mother was the object of my derision. Suddenly, her life seemed so small to me.

In the year before I left for Exeter, I became weary of her oft-repeated accounts of my father's success. I was a teen-ager, and so ever inclined to be dismissive and bitter toward anything that had to do with family and home. Often enough, my mother was the object of my derision. Suddenly, her life seemed so small to me.

엑시터 고등학교를 떠나기 전 해에, 나는 어머니가 계속 되풀이하시는 아버지의 성공 이야기에 신물이 났다. 나는 십대였고, 따라서 항상 가족이나 집과 관련되는 모든 일에 경멸적이고 적의에 차 있었다. 꽤 자주 어머니는 내 비웃음의 대상이었다. 갑자기 어머니의 삶은 내게 아주 초라해 보였다.

★so ever inclined to be dismissive and bitter : 경멸적이고 적의에 차 있었다

She was there and sometimes, I thought, always there, as if she were confined to the four walls of our house. I would even complain about her cooking. Mostly, though, I was getting more and more impatient with the difficulty she encountered in doing everyday things. I was afraid for her.

She was there and sometimes, I thought, always there, as if she were confined to the four walls of our house. I would even complain about her cooking. Mostly, though, I was getting more and more impatient with the difficulty she encountered in doing everyday things. I was afraid for her.

어머니는 거기 계셨고 언제나 내 생각에는 항상 거기 계셨다. 마치 우리 집의 네 개의 벽 속에 갇힌 것처럼. 나는 심지어는 어머니의 요리에 대해서도 불평을 하곤 했다. 하지만 대부분 나는 어머니가 일상의 일들을 하시면서 겪는 어려움에 참을성이 없어져 갔다. 나는 어머니가 걱정되었던 것이다.

★ I was afraid for her. 나는 어머니가 걱정이 되었다.

One day, we got into a terrible argument when she asked me to call the bank, to question a discrepancy she had discovered in the monthly statement. I asked her why she couldn't call herself. I was stupid and brutal, and I knew exactly how to wound her.

One day, we got into a terrible argument when she asked me to call the bank, to question a discrepancy she had discovered in the monthly statement. I asked her why she couldn't call herself. I was stupid and brutal, and I knew exactly how to wound her.

어느 날 어머니가 은행에 전화를 걸어서 어머니가 월간 명세서에서 발견한 불일치에 대하여 물어보라고 내게 부탁했을 때 우리는 아주 심한 말다툼을 벌였다. 나는 왜 어머니가 직접 전화하면 안 되느냐고 물었다. 나는 지각이 없고 잔인했으며 어머니에게 어떻게 하면 상처를 줄 수 있는지를 정확히 알고 있었다.

★we got into a terrible argument : 심한 언쟁을 벌이다.

★to question a discrepancy :불일치에 대해 물어보다/문제를 제기하다.

★in the monthly statement: 월간 명세표에

"Whom do I talk to?" she said. She would mostly speak to me in Korean, and I would answer in English.

"The bank manager, who else?" "What do I say?" "Whatever you want to say."

"Don't speak to me like that!" she cried. "It's just that you should be able to do it yourself," I said.

"You know how I feel about this!" "Well, maybe then you should consider it practice," I answered lightly, using the Korean word to make sure she understood.

Whom do I talk to?" she said. She would mostly speak to me in Korean, and I would answer in English.

"The bank manager, who else?"

"What do I say?"

"Whatever you want to say."

"Don't speak to me like that!" she cried.

"It's just that you should be able to do it yourself," I said.

"You know how I feel about this!"

"Well, maybe then you should consider it practice," I answered lightly, using the Korean word to make sure she understood.

“누구한테 전화를 해야 하지?” 어머니가 물으셨다. 어머니는 주로 한국말로 내게 말씀하시고 나는 영어로 얘기하곤 했다.

“은행 지배인이지, 누구겠어요?”

“무슨 얘기를 해야 하지?”

“뭐든 하시고 싶은 얘기 하세요.”

“그딴 식으로 내게 얘기 하지 마라!” 어머니가 외치셨다.

“어머니도 스스로 전화하실 수 있어야 한다는 것뿐이에요.”

“내가 전화하는 일에 어떤 기분을 느끼는지 알잖니!”

“그럼, 연습 삼아 걸어본다고 생각하시면 되잖아요,” 나는 어머니가 확실히 알아들으실 수 있게 한국말로 가볍게 얘기했다.

[編者 註] <참고용>

실제로 이 작가인 이 창래의 어머니는 숙명여고 농구선수였던 홍인자씨이다. 당시엔 여고 농구가 팬을 가장 많이 끄는 인기 스포츠 종목이었고, 내 기억으로 숙명여고, 숭의여고(박신자 모교), 진명여고, 등의 선수들은 인기가 상당했던 것으로 기억한다.

별로 중요하지도 않은 이야기인데 작가는 상당히 많은 지면을 할애하고 있다. 이것은 작가로서 겪었던 사실을 회상하며 이 시점에서 회한의 심정을 드러내는 장면이다. 그 때 어머니께 좀 더 부드럽게 상냥하게 대해 드렸어야 하는데...

이와 유사한 형식의 글이 있다.

James Joyce의 「Araby」에서 주인공이 선물을 사러 Araby 시장에 들러서 상품을 고르려고 하는데 상점 여점원은 고객에겐 별 흥미도 보이지 않으면서 별로 중요하지도 않은 시시콜콜한 이야기를 하는 장면에 6행이나 되는 상당히 많은 지면을 할애한다. 여기서 주인공이 에피퍼니(Epiphany)를 느끼게 하는 중요한 대목이다. 참고로 아래에 인용한다.

'O, I never said such a thing!' “아이, 난 그런 말은 결코 하지 않았어요!”

'O, but you did!' “아, 하지만 당신이 말한 것이 틀림없어.”

'O, but I didn't!' “아아, 난 그런 일이 없다니까요~"

'Didn't she say that?' " 저 여자가 그렇게 말하지 않았어? “

'Yes. I heard her.' “그래, 나도 들었어.”

'O, there's a …fib!' “아아, 그건 …거짓말이에요~”

Her face blanched, and her neck suddenly became rigid, as if I were throttling her. She nearly struck me right then, but instead she bit her lip and ran upstairs. I followed her, pleading for forgiveness at her door. But it was the one time in our life that I couldn't convince her, melt her resolve with the blandishments of a spoiled son.

Her face blanched, and her neck suddenly became rigid, as if I were throttling her. She nearly struck me right then, but instead she bit her lip and ran upstairs. I followed her, pleading for forgiveness at her door. But it was the one time in our life that I couldn't convince her, melt her resolve with the blandishments of a spoiled son.

어머니의 얼굴은 창백해졌고, 목은 마치 내가 조르고 있는 것처럼 갑자기 뻣뻣해졌다. 바로 그 때 어머니는 나를 때릴 뻔했지만, 그 대신에 입술을 깨물고서 이층으로 뛰어 올라가셨다. 나는 어머니를 따라 가서 방 문간에서 용서를 빌었다. 하지만 어머니랑 함께 살아오면서 내가 어머니를 설득시키지 못하고 버릇없는 아들의 감언이설로 어머니의 결심을 누그러뜨리지 못한 것은 그때 한 번뿐이었다.

★blanched : 창백해지다. 표백하다, 희게 하다.

★as if I were throttling her : 마치 내가 그녀의 목을 조르고 있는 것처럼

★nearly struck me : 거의 나를 때릴 뻔하다.

★with the blandishments of a spoiled son : 버릇없는 아들의 감언이설로

When my mother was feeling strong enough, or was in particularly good spirits, she would roll her machine into the kitchen and sit at the table and watch me work. She wore pajamas day and night, mostly old pairs of mine.

When my mother was feeling strong enough, or was in particularly good spirits, she would roll her machine into the kitchen and sit at the table and watch me work. She wore pajamas day and night, mostly old pairs of mine.

기운이 충분하다고 느끼거나 기분이 특히 좋을 때면, 어머니는 기계장치를 주방으로 굴려 와서 식탁에 앉아 내가 일하는 것을 지켜보시곤 했다. 어머니는 하루 종일 잠옷을 입으셨는데, 대체로 내가 입던 헌 잠옷이었다.

She said, "I can't tell, what are you making?" "Mahn-doo filling."

"You didn't salt the cabbage and squash." "Was I supposed to?"

"Of course. Look, it's too wet. Now the skins will get soggy before you can fry them."

"What should I do?" "It's too late. Maybe it'll be O. K. if you work quickly. Why didn't you ask me?"

She said, "I can't tell, what are you making?"

"Mahn-doo filling."

"You didn't salt the cabbage and squash."

"Was I supposed to?"

"Of course. Look, it's too wet. Now the skins will get soggy before you can fry them."

"What should I do?"

"It's too late. Maybe it'll be O. K. if you work quickly. Why didn't you ask me?"

어머니는 말씀하셨다. “모르겠는 걸, 뭘 만드는 거니?”

“만두 속요.”

“배추를 절이고 물기를 빼지 않았구나.”

“그래야 해요?”

“물론이지. 봐라, 너무 물기가 많잖니. 튀기기 전에 만두피가 눅눅해질 거야.”

“그럼 어떻게 해야죠?”

“너무 늦었다. 아마 빨리 일하면 괜찮을 지도 몰라. 나한테 물어보지 그랬니?”

★salt the cabbage and squash :배추를 절인 뒤 물기를 짜다.

★the skins will get soggy : 만두피가 눅눅해질게다.

"You were finally sleeping." "You should have woken me."

"No way." She sighed, as deeply as her weary lungs would allow.

"I don't know how you were going to make it without me."

"I don't know, either. I'll remember the salt next time." "You better. And not too much."

"You were finally sleeping."

"You should have woken me."

"No way."

She sighed, as deeply as her weary lungs would allow.

"I don't know how you were going to make it without me."

"I don't know, either. I'll remember the salt next time."

"You better. And not too much."

“어머니가 마침 잠이 드셔서요.”

“그래도 깨웠어야지.”

“그럴 수 있나요.”

어머니는 지친 폐가 허용하는 만큼 깊이 한숨을 쉬셨다.

“나 없이 네가 어찌 해나갈지 모르겠구나.”

“저도 모르겠어요. 다음번에는 절이는 걸 잊지 않을 게요.”

“그러는 게 좋을 거야. 근데 소금을 너무 많이 뿌리지는 마라.”

We often talked like this, our tone decidedly matter-of-fact, chin up, just this side of being able to bear it. Once, while inspecting a potato-fritter batter I was making, she asked me if she had ever done anything that I wished she hadn't done. I thought for a moment, and told her no.

We often talked like this, our tone decidedly matter-of-fact, chin up, just this side of being able to bear it. Once, while inspecting a potato-fritter batter I was making, she asked me if she had ever done anything that I wished she hadn't done. I thought for a moment, and told her no.

우리는 종종 이런 식으로 얘기를 나눴다. 우리의 어조는 분명히 사무적인 듯 밋밋하고, 격려하며, 주어진 상황을 견뎌내기 위한 쪽으로 이루어졌다. 한번은 내가 만들고 있던 감자튀김의 튀김옷 반죽을 살펴보시다가, 어머니는, 혹시 어머니가 하지 말았으면 하고 내가 원했던 일을 어머니가 한 적이 있는지에 대해서 나에게 질문을 하셨다. 난 잠시 생각하다가 그런 적이 없었다고 대답했다.

★matter-of-fact : 사실의, 사무적인, 인정이 없는, 무미건조한

★chin up : 기운을 차리다. 격려하다.

★just this side of being able to bear it : 주어진 상황을 견뎌낼 수 있는 쪽으로

★while inspecting a potato-fritter batter : 감자튀김의 튀김 옷 반죽을 살펴보시다가

★anything that I wished she hadn't done : 내가 어머니가 하시지 않으셨기를 바랐던 어떤 일

In the next breath, she wondered aloud if it was right of her to have let me go to Exeter, to live away from the house while I was so young. She tested the batter's thickness with her finger and called for more flour. Then she asked if, given a choice, I would go to Exeter again.

In the next breath, she wondered aloud if it was right of her to have let me go to Exeter, to live away from the house while I was so young. She tested the batter's thickness with her finger and called for more flour. Then she asked if, given a choice, I would go to Exeter again.

바로 이어서 어머니는 나를 엑시터 고등학교에 보내서 그처럼 어린 나이에 집을 떠나 생활하게 만들었던 것이 옳았는지 궁금하다고 큰 소리로 말씀하셨다. 어머니는 손가락으로 반죽의 점도를 검사해보시고는 밀가루를 더 넣으라고 말씀하셨다. 그런 다음에 만약 선택권이 주어진다면 다시 엑시터 고등학교에 가겠느냐고 내게 물으셨다.

I wasn't sure what she was getting at, and I told her that I couldn't be certain, but probably, yes, I would. She snorted at this and said it was my leaving home that had once so troubled our relationship. "Remember how I had so much difficulty talking to you? Remember?"

I wasn't sure what she was getting at, and I told her that I couldn't be certain, but probably, yes, I would. She snorted at this and said it was my leaving home that had once so troubled our relationship. "Remember how I had so much difficulty talking to you? Remember?"

어머니가 무슨 말씀을 하고 싶으신지 몰라서, 나는 잘은 모르겠지만 아마도 갈 것이라고 말씀드렸다. 그 말에 어머니는 코웃음을 치시더니, 우리 사이의 관계를 한때 그처럼 곤란하게 만들었던 게 바로 내가 집을 떠난 일이었다고 말씀하셨다. “내가 너랑 얘기하면서 그렇게 많은 어려움을 겪었던 거 기억하니? 기억 나?”

She believed back then that I had found her more and more ignorant each time I came home. She said she never blamed me, for this was the way she knew it would be with my wonderful new education. Nothing I could say seemed to quell the notion. But I knew that the problem wasn't simply the education the first time I saw her again after starting school, barely six weeks later, when she and my father visited me on Parents Day, she had already grown nervous and distant. After the usual campus events, we had gone to the motel where they were staying in a nearby town and sat on the beds in our room. She seemed to sneak looks at me, as though I might discover a horrible new truth if our eyes should meet.

She believed back then that I had found her more and more ignorant each time I came home. She said she never blamed me, for this was the way she knew it would be with my wonderful new education. Nothing I could say seemed to quell the notion. But I knew that the problem wasn't simply the education the first time I saw her again after starting school, barely six weeks later, when she and my father visited me on Parents Day, she had already grown nervous and distant. After the usual campus events, we had gone to the motel where they were staying in a nearby town and sat on the beds in our room. She seemed to sneak looks at me, as though I might discover a horrible new truth if our eyes should meet.

어머니는 그 당시 집에 올 때마다 어머니가 점점 더 무식하다는 느낌을 내가 받았다고 믿으셨다. 어머니는 나를 탓하지는 않았다고 말씀하셨다. 왜냐하면 나의 멋진 새 교육의 결과가 그런 식일 것이라는 걸 아셨기 때문에. 내가 무슨 말씀을 드려도 그 생각을 떨쳐버릴 수 없으셨다. 하지만 나는 문제가 단순히 그 교육 때문만은 아니라는 것을 학교가 시작된 지 겨우 6주 뒤에 처음 어머니를 다시 뵈었을 때 알았다. 그 때 어머니와 아버지는 어버이날에 나를 찾아오셨는데, 어머니는 이미 불안해하시고 심리적으로 거리를 두시는 듯 보였다. 통상적인 교정에서의 행사 후에 우리는 부모님이 묵으시는 이웃 도시의 모텔에 가서 방안에 있는 침대에 앉았다. 어머니는 마치 우리 눈길이 마주치면 내가 무슨 끔찍한 새로운 진실을 알아낼 것처럼 나를 몰래 훔쳐 보시는 것 같았다.

My own secret feeling was that I had missed my parents greatly, my mother especially, and much more than I had anticipated. I couldn't tell them that these first weeks were a mere blur to me, that I felt completely overwhelmed by all the studies and my much brighter friends and the thousand irritating details of living alone, and that I had really learned nothing, save perhaps how to put on a necktie while sprinting to class. I felt as if I had plunged too deep into the world, which, to my great horror, was much larger than I had ever imagined.

My own secret feeling was that I had missed my parents greatly, my mother especially, and much more than I had anticipated. I couldn't tell them that these first weeks were a mere blur to me, that I felt completely overwhelmed by all the studies and my much brighter friends and the thousand irritating details of living alone, and that I had really learned nothing, save perhaps how to put on a necktie while sprinting to class. I felt as if I had plunged too deep into the world, which, to my great horror, was much larger than I had ever imagined.

내가 속으로 느꼈던 것은 내가 부모님을, 특히 어머니를 보고 싶어 했고, 내 예상보다도 훨씬 더 보고 싶어 했다는 점이었다. 나는 부모님께 처음 몇 주 동안이 내게는 그저 흐릿한 것이었고, 내가 그 모든 공부와 나보다 훨씬 똑똑한 친구들과 혼자 사는 데에 수반되는 수천 가지의 짜증나는 사소한 일들에 완전히 압도되었고, 아마도 교실로 뛰어가면서 넥타이를 매는 법 외에는 사실 배운 게 거의 없다는 것을 말씀 드릴 수 없었다. 나는 세상 속으로 너무 깊숙이 던져진 것처럼 느꼈으며, 그 세상은 정말 오싹하게도 내가 이전에 상상했던 것보다 훨씬 넓었다.

I welcomed the lull of the motel room. My father and I had nearly dozed off when my mother jumped up excitedly, murmured how stupid she was, and hurried to the closet by the door. She pulled out our old metal cooler and dragged it between the beds. She lifted the top and began unpacking plastic containers, and I thought she would never stop.

I welcomed the lull of the motel room. My father and I had nearly dozed off when my mother jumped up excitedly, murmured how stupid she was, and hurried to the closet by the door. She pulled out our old metal cooler and dragged it between the beds. She lifted the top and began unpacking plastic containers, and I thought she would never stop.

나는 모텔 방의 일시적인 정적이 반가웠다. 아버지와 내가 거의 꾸벅꾸벅 졸고 있을 무렵 어머니가 흥분해서 펄쩍 일어나시더니 내가 왜 이리 멍청하지 하고 말씀하시면서 문 옆에 있는 찬장으로 서둘러 가셨다. 어머니는 예전부터 낯익은 금속제 아이스박스를 꺼내서 두 침대 사이로 끌고 오셨다. 어머니는 뚜껑을 열고서는 플라스틱 용기들을 꺼내기 시작했는데, 내 생각에는 끝나지 않을 것 같았다.

One after the other they came out, each with a dish that traveled well -- a salted stewed meat, rolls of Korean style sushi. I opened a container of radish kimchi and suddenly the room bloomed with its odor, and I reveled in the very peculiar sensation (which perhaps only true kimchi lovers know) of simultaneously drooling and gagging as I breathed it all in. For the next few minutes, they watched me eat. I'm not certain that I was even hungry. But after weeks of pork parmigiana and chicken patties and wax beans, I suddenly realized that I had lost all the savor in my life. And it seemed I couldn't get enough of it back. I ate and I ate, so much and so fast that I actually went to the bathroom and vomited. I came out dizzy and sated with the phantom warmth of my binge.

One after the other they came out, each with a dish that traveled well -- a salted stewed meat, rolls of Korean style sushi. I opened a container of radish kimchi and suddenly the room bloomed with its odor, and I reveled in the very peculiar sensation (which perhaps only true kimchi lovers know) of simultaneously drooling and gagging as I breathed it all in. For the next few minutes, they watched me eat. I'm not certain that I was even hungry. But after weeks of pork parmigiana and chicken patties and wax beans, I suddenly realized that I had lost all the savor in my life. And it seemed I couldn't get enough of it back. I ate and I ate, so much and so fast that I actually went to the bathroom and vomited. I came out dizzy and sated with the phantom warmth of my binge.

하나씩 하나씩 꺼내진 그 용기들 속에는 장거리 수송에도 불구하고 잘 보관된 요리가 들어있었다. 고기 장조림, 김밥 등. 내가 총각김치가 든 용기를 열자 방안에는 갑자기 김치 냄새가 피어올랐고, 나는 그 냄새를 맡으면서 침 넘어가면서도 역한 아주 특이한 느낌(진정한 김치 애호가만이 알 수 있는)을 마음껏 즐겼다. 다음 몇 분 동안 두 분은 내가 먹는 걸 지켜보셨다.

당시 내가 배가 고팠던지 여부는 확실하지 않다. 하지만 여러 주 동안 파르마 치즈가 든 돼지고기 요리와 닭고기 파이와 강낭콩을 먹고 나서, 나는 갑자기 살아오면서 알았던 모든 맛을 잊어버린 것을 알았다. 그리고 난 그 입맛을 충분히 되찾을 수 없을 것만 같았다. 먹고 또 먹고, 너무 많이 그리고 너무 빨리 먹다보니 실제로 화장실에 가서 토해내기까지 했다. 나는 어지럽고 마구 퍼먹은 음식의 겉보기만의 따스함에 물린 상태로 화장실에서 나왔다.

And beneath the face of her worry, I thought, my mother was smiling.

From that day, my mother prepared a certain meal to welcome me home. It was always the same. Even as I rode the school's shuttle bus from Exeter to Logan airport, I could already see the exact arrangement of my mother's table.

I knew that we would eat in the kitchen, the table brimming with plates. There was the kalbi, of course, broiled or grilled depending on the season. Leaf lettuce, to wrap the meat with. Bowls of garlicky clam broth with miso and tofu and fresh spinach. Shavings of cod dusted in flour and then dipped in egg wash and fried.

Glass noodles with onions and shiitake.

And beneath the face of her worry, I thought, my mother was smiling.

From that day, my mother prepared a certain meal to welcome me home. It was always the same. Even as I rode the school's shuttle bus from Exeter to Logan airport, I could already see the exact arrangement of my mother's table.

I knew that we would eat in the kitchen, the table brimming with plates. There was the kalbi, of course, broiled or grilled depending on the season. Leaf lettuce, to wrap the meat with. Bowls of garlicky clam broth with miso and tofu and fresh spinach. Shavings of cod dusted in flour and then dipped in egg wash and fried.

Glass noodles with onions and shiitake.

그리고 겉으로는 걱정하시는 듯 했지만, 내 생각에 어머니는 웃고 계시는 듯 했다.

그날 이후로 어머니는 내가 집에 돌아오는 걸 환영하시려고 특정한 음식을 마련하셨다. 내가 엑시터 고등학교에서 로건 공항까지 학교 셔틀버스를 타고 가는 동안에도 나는 이미 어머니의 식탁 차림을 정확히 그려 볼 수 있었다.

나는 우리가 식탁에 요리접시가 넘치는 가운데 주방에서 식사를 할 것이라는 것을 알고 있었다. 물론 계절에 따라 찌거나 구운 갈비가 있었다. 고기를 싸먹을 상추, 두부와 신선한 시금치를 넣은 조개된장국, 밀가루를 묻혀서 달걀 휘저은 것에 담갔다가 부친 대구전. 양파와 표고버섯을 넣은 당면 요리인 잡채.

Scallion-and-hot-pepper pancakes. Chilled steamed shrimp. Seasoned salads of bean sprouts, spinach, and white radish. Crispy squares of seaweed. Steamed rice with barley and red beans. Homemade kimchi. It was all there the old flavors I knew, the beautiful salt, the sweet, the excellent taste.

Scallion-and-hot-pepper pancakes. Chilled steamed shrimp. Seasoned salads of bean sprouts, spinach, and white radish. Crispy squares of seaweed. Steamed rice with barley and red beans. Homemade kimchi. It was all there the old flavors I knew, the beautiful salt, the sweet, the excellent taste.

고추 파전, 새우를 삶아서 식힌 것, 콩나물 무침, 시금치, 무. 네모 모양의 바삭바삭한 해초인 김, 집에서 담근 김치. 내가 예전부터 알고 있었던 모든 맛이 거기에 있었다, 짜고 달콤하고 기막힌 모든 맛이.

After the meal, my father and I talked about school, but of course I could never say enough for it to make any sense. My father would often recall his high-school principal, who had gone to England to study the methods and traditions of the public schools, and regaled students with stories of the great Eton man. My mother sat with us, paring fruit, not saying a word but taking everything in.

After the meal, my father and I talked about school, but of course I could never say enough for it to make any sense. My father would often recall his high-school principal, who had gone to England to study the methods and traditions of the public schools, and regaled students with stories of the great Eton man. My mother sat with us, paring fruit, not saying a word but taking everything in.

식사 후에 아버지와 나는 학교에 관해서 얘기했지만, 물론 나는 한 번도 뜻이 통할 정도로 충분히 얘기할 수 없었다. 아버지는 종종 고등학교 시절 교장선생님 얘기를 하시곤 했는데, 그분은 사립학교의 교육방법과 전통을 배우러 영국에 유학을 하셨고, 명문 이튼 학교의 학생 얘기로 자신의 학생들을 즐겁게 해주었다고 한다. 어머니는 과일을 깎으시면서 우리랑 함께 앉아서, 아무 말도 하지 않았지만 모든 얘기를 귀담아 들으셨다.

When it was time to go to bed, my father said good night first. I usually watched television until the early morning. My mother would sit with me for an hour or two, perhaps until she was accustomed to me again, and only then would she kiss me and head upstairs to sleep.

During the following days, it was always the cooking that started our conversations. She'd hold an inquest over the cold leftovers we ate at lunch, discussing each dish in terms of its balance of flavors or what might have been prepared differently. But mostly I begged her to leave the dishes alone. I wish I had paid more attention.

When it was time to go to bed, my father said good night first. I usually watched television until the early morning. My mother would sit with me for an hour or two, perhaps until she was accustomed to me again, and only then would she kiss me and head upstairs to sleep.

During the following days, it was always the cooking that started our conversations. She'd hold an inquest over the cold leftovers we ate at lunch, discussing each dish in terms of its balance of flavors or what might have been prepared differently. But mostly I begged her to leave the dishes alone. I wish I had paid more attention.

잠자리에 들 시간이 되면 아버지는 먼저 잘 자라는 인사를 하셨다. 나는 보통 새벽까지 텔레비전을 시청했다. 어머니는 한두 시간 나와 함께 앉아계시곤 했는데, 아마 다시 내게 익숙해지기 위해 그러셨던 거겠지만, 그때쯤이 되어야 내게 잘 자라고 키스해주시고는 주무시러 이층을 향해 가셨다. 이어지는 며칠 동안 우리가 대화를 시작하도록 해준 것은 언제나 요리였다. 어머니는 우리가 점심에 먹다 남은 식은 음식을 살펴보시고, 각각의 요리가 맛의 균형이 잡혀있는지 아니면 달리 요리할 수 있었던 점이 있는지를 논평하시곤 했다. 하지만 대체로 나는 어머니에게 음식을 그냥 내버려두시라고 말씀드렸다. 지금 생각해보면 좀 더 어머니 말씀에 귀를 기울였어야 하는데.

After her death, when my father and I were the only ones left in the house, drifting through the rooms like ghosts, I sometimes tried to make that meal for him. Though it was too much for two, I made each dish anyway, taking as much care as I could. But nothing turned out quite right not the color, not the smell. At the table, neither of us said much of anything. And we had to eat the food for days.

After her death, when my father and I were the only ones left in the house, drifting through the rooms like ghosts, I sometimes tried to make that meal for him. Though it was too much for two, I made each dish anyway, taking as much care as I could. But nothing turned out quite right not the color, not the smell. At the table, neither of us said much of anything. And we had to eat the food for days.

어머니가 돌아가시고 난 후 집안에 아버지와 나만 이방 저방 유령처럼 떠돌아다니는 존재로 남았을 때, 나는 때로 아버지를 위해 음식을 만들어드리려고 시도했다. 두 사람이 먹기에는 너무 많은 양이었지만, 나는 어쨌든 할 수 있는 한 세심하게 신경을 쓰면서 여러 가지 요리를 했다. 하지만 하나도 제대로 되는 게 없었다, 색깔도, 냄새도. 식탁에 앉아서 우리는 둘 다 말이 별로 없었다. 그리고 그 음식을 여러 날 먹어야만 했다.

I remember washing rice in the kitchen one day, and my mother's saying in English, from her usual seat, "I made a big mistake."

"About Exeter?"

"Yes, I made a big mistake. You should be with us for that time. I should never let you go there."

"So why did you?" I said.

"Because I didn't know I was going to die."

I let her words pass. For the first time in her life, she was letting herself speak her full mind, so what else could I do?

"But you know what?" she spoke up. "It was better for you. If you stayed home, you would not like me so much now."

I suggested that maybe I would like her even more.

She shook her head. "Impossible."

I remember washing rice in the kitchen one day, and my mother's saying in English, from her usual seat, "I made a big mistake."

"About Exeter?"

"Yes, I made a big mistake. You should be with us for that time. I should never let you go there."

"So why did you?" I said.

"Because I didn't know I was going to die."

I let her words pass. For the first time in her life, she was letting herself speak her full mind, so what else could I do?

"But you know what?" she spoke up. "It was better for you. If you stayed home, you would not like me so much now."

I suggested that maybe I would like her even more.

She shook her head. "Impossible."

하루는 주방에서 쌀을 씻는데 어머니가 늘 앉으시던 의자에 앉아서 영어로 “난 큰 실수를 했어”라고 말씀하셨던 것이 기억난다. “엑시터 고등학교 말이세요?” “그래, 난 큰 실수를 했어. 그 기간 동안 넌 우리랑 함께 있어야 했어. 널 거기 보내지 말아야 했는데.” “그럼 왜 보내셨어요?” 내가 물었다. “내가 죽게 될지 몰랐거든.” 나는 어머니의 말씀을 그냥 흘려보냈다. 살아오시면서 처음으로 어머니가 속마음을 완전히 드러내시는데 내가 달리 어떻게 할 수 있었겠는가? “그렇지만 너 그거 아니?” 어머니가 목소리를 높이셨다. “그게 네겐 더 나았지. 네가 집에 머물러 있었다면 넌 날 지금 그렇게 많이 좋아하진 않을 거야.난 아마도 내가 어머니를 더욱 더 좋아할 거라고 이야기 했다. 어머니는 고개를 가로저으셨다. “불가능한 일이야.”

* Sometimes I still think about what she said, about having made a mistake. I would have left home for college, that was never in doubt, but those years I was away at boarding school grew more precious to her as her illness progressed. After many months of exhaustion and pain and the haze of the drugs, I thought that her mind was beginning to fade, for more and more it seemed that she was seeing me again as her fifteen-year-old boy, the one she had dropped off in New Hampshire on a cloudy September afternoon.

* Sometimes I still think about what she said, about having made a mistake. I would have left home for college, that was never in doubt, but those years I was away at boarding school grew more precious to her as her illness progressed. After many months of exhaustion and pain and the haze of the drugs, I thought that her mind was beginning to fade, for more and more it seemed that she was seeing me again as her fifteen-year-old boy, the one she had dropped off in New Hampshire on a cloudy September afternoon.

때로 나는 어머니의 말씀에 관해서 아직도 생각해본다, 실수를 하셨다는 그 말씀에 대해서. 난 대학 진학을 위해서 어쨌든 집을 떠났으리라. 그 점은 의심할 여지가 없다. 하지만 내가 기숙학교에 떠나 있던 그 몇 해가 병세가 깊어지던 어머니에게는 더 소중해져 갔던 것이다. 여러 달 동안 지치고 고통을 겪고 약 기운에 몽롱해 있은 후에, 내 생각에 어머니는 기억이 희미해지기 시작하셨던가 보다. 왜냐하면 점점 더 나를 열다섯 먹은 아이로, 어느 흐린 9월 오후에 뉴햄프셔에서 차에서 내려주고 왔던 아이로 보시는 것으로 보였기 때문이다.

I remember the first person I met, another student, named Zack, who walked to the welcome picnic with me. I had planned to eat with my parents -- my mother had brought a coolerful of food even that first day -- but I learned of the cookout and told her that I should probably go. I wanted to go, of course.

I remember the first person I met, another student, named Zack, who walked to the welcome picnic with me. I had planned to eat with my parents -- my mother had brought a coolerful of food even that first day -- but I learned of the cookout and told her that I should probably go. I wanted to go, of course.

내가 처음으로 만났던 재크라는 이름의 학생이 생각난다. 그 친구는 환영 야유회 장소까지 나랑 같이 걸어갔었다. 나는 부모님이랑 식사를 할 계획이었다. 어머니는 그 첫 날에도 아이스박스에 음식을 가득 담아오셨지만, 나는 그 야외 요리 파티 소식을 알게 되었고, 어머니에게 아마 가야만 할 것 같다고 말씀드렸다. 나는 물론 가고 싶었다.

I was excited, and no doubt fearful and nervous, and I must have thought I was only thinking ahead. She agreed wholeheartedly, saying I certainly should. I walked them to the car, and perhaps I hugged them, before saying goodbye. One day, after she died, my father told me what happened on the long drive home to Syracuse.

I was excited, and no doubt fearful and nervous, and I must have thought I was only thinking ahead. She agreed wholeheartedly, saying I certainly should. I walked them to the car, and perhaps I hugged them, before saying goodbye. One day, after she died, my father told me what happened on the long drive home to Syracuse.

난 흥분돼있었고, 의심할 바 없이 두려움과 불안에 차있었고, 내가 앞일만 생각하고 있다고 생각했음에 틀림없었다. 어머니는 물론 그래야겠지 하고 진심으로 동의해주셨다. 두 분을 차까지 배웅해 드리고 아마도 작별 인사를 하기 전에 두 분을 안아드렸던 것 같다. 어머니가 돌아가시고 난 어느날, 시러큐스로 돌아가는 오랜 드라이브 동안 무슨 일이 있었는 지를 아버지가 내게 말씀해주셨다.

He was driving the car, looking straight ahead. Traffic was light on the Massachusetts Turnpike, and the sky was nearly dark. They had driven for more than two hours and had not yet spoken a word. He then heard a strange sound from her, a kind of muffled chewing noise, as if something inside her were grinding its way out.

He was driving the car, looking straight ahead. Traffic was light on the Massachusetts Turnpike, and the sky was nearly dark. They had driven for more than two hours and had not yet spoken a word. He then heard a strange sound from her, a kind of muffled chewing noise, as if something inside her were grinding its way out.

아버지는 곧장 앞을 보고 운전을 하고 계셨다. 매서추세츠 유료 고속도로에는 교통량이 많지 않았고, 하늘은 거의 어둑해졌다. 두 분은 두 시간 이상을 달렸지만 아직 단 한 마디도 안 한 상태였다. 아버지는 그 때 어머니에게서 이상한 소리가 나는 것을 들으셨는데, 소리를 죽인 일종의 씹는 것 같은 소리로, 마치 어머니 내면의 무엇인가가 끽끽 대면서 새어나오는 것 같았다.

"So, what's the matter?" he said, trying to keep an edge to his voice.

She looked at him with her ashen face and she burst into tears. He began to cry himself, and pulled the car over onto the narrow shoulder of the turnpike, where they stayed for the next half hour or so, the blank-faced cars droning by them in the cold, onrushing night.

"So, what's the matter?" he said, trying to keep an edge to his voice.

She looked at him with her ashen face and she burst into tears. He began to cry himself, and pulled the car over onto the narrow shoulder of the turnpike, where they stayed for the next half hour or so, the blank-faced cars droning by them in the cold, onrushing night.

“그래, 무슨 일이오?” 아버지가 침착하게 말하려고 애쓰면서 말씀하셨다.

어머니는 핏기 없는 얼굴로 아버지를 쳐다보시고는 울음을 터뜨렸다. 아버지도 울기 시작하셨고, 고속도로의 좁은 갓길에 차를 세우셨다. 거기에서 두 분이 삼십분 가량 머무는 동안, 무표정한 차들이 그 춥고 급속하게 깜깜해져 가는 저녁에 윙윙거리며 지나쳐 갔다.

Every once in a while, when I think of her, I'm driving alone somewhere on the highway. In the twilight, I see their car off to the side, a blue Olds coupe with a landau top, and as I pass them by I look back in the mirror and I see them again, the two figures huddling together in the front seat. Are they sleeping? Or kissing? Are they all right?

Every once in a while, when I think of her, I'm driving alone somewhere on the highway. In the twilight, I see their car off to the side, a blue Olds coupe with a landau top, and as I pass them by I look back in the mirror and I see them again, the two figures huddling together in the front seat. Are they sleeping? Or kissing? Are they all right?

가끔씩, 어머니를 생각할 때, 나는 고속도로 어딘가를 혼자서 운전하고 있다. 황혼 속에서 나는 두 분이 탄 차를 저 멀리 길가에서 본다. 랜도 지붕이 덮인 푸른색의 올즈 쿠페이다. 그리고 내가 두 분을 지나칠 때, 거울 속에 비친 뒷모습으로 나는 두 분을 다시 본다. 앞좌석에 붙어 앉아있는 두 분의 모습을. 두 분은 잠이 드셨을까? 아니면 키스를 하고 계실까? 두 분은 괜찮으신 건가?

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