PART I // chapter 2-9

[모나리자]

그리고 그분은 말씀하실 것입니다. ‘내게로 오너라! 나는 이미 너를 한 번 용서했다.... 나는 너를 한 번 용서했다.... 네가 많은 죄를 지었지만, 네가 많이 사랑했기 때문에 용서받았다....’ 그리고 그분은 내 소냐를 용서할 것이다. 그분은 용서할 것이다. 나는 그것을 안다... 나는 방금 그녀와 함께 있을 때 내 마음속에서 그것을 느꼈다! 그리고 그분은 심판하실 것이고, 선과 악, 지혜로운 자와 온유한 자 모두를 용서할 것이다....

그리고 그분이 그들 모두를 다 처리하신 후에, 그분은 우리를 부르실 것이다. ‘너희도 나와라.’ 그분은 말씀하실 것이다. ‘술 취한 자들아, 나와라, 약한 자들아, 나와라, 수치스러운 자식들아!’ 그리고 우리는 모두 나와서 수치심 없이 그분 앞에 설 것이다.

그리고 그분은 우리에게 말씀하실 것이다. ‘너희는 돼지들이요, 짐승의 형상으로 만들어졌고 그의 표가 있다. 하지만 당신도 오세요!' 그리고 지혜로운 자들과 이해력 있는 자들은 말할 것입니다. '오 주님, 왜 당신은 이 사람들을 받아들이십니까?' 그리고 그는 말할 것입니다. '이것이 내가 그들을 받아들이는 이유입니다, 오 지혜로운 자들이여, 이것이 내가 그들을 받아들이는 이유입니다, 오 이해력 있는 자들이여, 그들 중 한 명도 자신이 이것에 합당하다고 믿지 않았기 때문입니다.' 그리고 그는 우리에게 손을 내밀 것이고 우리는 그 앞에 엎드릴 것입니다... 그리고 우리는 울 것입니다... 그리고 우리는 모든 것을 이해할 것입니다!

그러면 우리는 모든 것을 이해할 것입니다!... 그리고 모두가 이해할 것입니다, 카테리나 이바노브나도... 그녀도 이해할 것입니다.... 주님, 당신의 왕국이 임하소서!" 그리고 그는 지쳐 벤치에 주저앉아 아무도 보지 않고, 주변을 전혀 의식하지 못한 채 깊은 생각에 빠져 있었습니다. 그의 말은 어떤 인상을 남겼습니다.

잠시 침묵이 흘렀지만 곧 웃음과 욕설이 다시 들렸습니다. "그게 그의 생각이에요!" "자신을 어리석게 말했어요!" "그는 훌륭한 사무원이에요!"

등등, 등등. "가자, 선생님." 마르멜라도프가 한꺼번에 말하며 고개를 들고 라스콜니코프에게 말했다. "나와 함께 가자... 코젤의 집, 마당을 들여다보고 있어. 카테리나 이바노브나에게 갈 거야. 갈 시간이야." 라스콜니코프는 꽤 오랫동안 가고 싶어했고 그를 도울 생각이었다.

마르멜라도프는 말보다 다리가 훨씬 불안정했고 청년에게 크게 기대었다. 그들은 200~300걸음 더 가야 했다. 술 취한 남자는 집에 가까워질수록 점점 더 당황하고 혼란스러워했다.

"지금은 카테리나 이바노브나가 두렵지 않아." 그는 흥분해서 중얼거렸다. "그리고 그녀가 내 머리카락을 잡아당기기 시작할 거야. 내 머리카락이 뭐 중요해! 내 머리카락을 건드리면 안 돼! 내가 하는 말이야!" 사실 그녀가 그것을 당기기 시작하면 더 나을 것입니다. 그게 내가 두려운 것이 아닙니다... 그녀의 눈이 두렵습니다... 그렇습니다, 그녀의 눈... 그녀의 뺨의 붉은색도 무섭습니다... 그리고 그녀의 호흡도... 그 병에 걸린 사람들이 흥분할 때 어떻게 호흡하는지 보셨나요?

아이들의 울음소리도 무섭습니다... 소냐가 그들에게 음식을 주지 않았다면... 무슨 일이 일어났는지 모르겠습니다! 모르겠습니다! 하지만 타격은 두렵지 않습니다.... 아시죠, 선생님. 그런 타격은 나에게 고통이 아니라 즐거움입니다. 사실, 그것 없이는 살 수 없습니다.... 그게 낫습니다. 그녀가 나를 때리게 하세요, 그것은 그녀의 마음을 편안하게 합니다... 그게 낫습니다... 저기 집이 있습니다. 캐비닛 제작자 코젤의 집... 부유한 독일인입니다. 길을 안내하세요!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And He will say, ‘Come to me! I have already forgiven thee once.... I have forgiven thee once.... Thy sins which are many are forgiven thee for thou hast loved much....’ And he will forgive my Sonia, He will forgive, I know it... I felt it in my heart when I was with her just now! And He will judge and will forgive all, the good and the evil, the wise and the meek....

And when He has done with all of them, then He will summon us. ‘You too come forth,’ He will say, ‘Come forth ye drunkards, come forth, ye weak ones, come forth, ye children of shame!’ And we shall all come forth, without shame and shall stand before him.

And He will say unto us, ‘Ye are swine, made in the Image of the Beast and with his mark; but come ye also!’ And the wise ones and those of understanding will say, ‘Oh Lord, why dost Thou receive these men?’ And He will say, ‘This is why I receive them, oh ye wise, this is why I receive them, oh ye of understanding, that not one of them believed himself to be worthy of this.’ And He will hold out His hands to us and we shall fall down before him... and we shall weep... and we shall understand all things!

Then we shall understand all!... and all will understand, Katerina Ivanovna even... she will understand.... Lord, Thy kingdom come!” And he sank down on the bench exhausted, and helpless, looking at no one, apparently oblivious of his surroundings and plunged in deep thought. His words had created a certain impression;

there was a moment of silence; but soon laughter and oaths were heard again. “That’s his notion!” “Talked himself silly!” “A fine clerk he is!”

And so on, and so on. “Let us go, sir,” said Marmeladov all at once, raising his head and addressing Raskolnikov—“come along with me... Kozel’s house, looking into the yard. I’m going to Katerina Ivanovna—time I did.” Raskolnikov had for some time been wanting to go and he had meant to help him.

Marmeladov was much unsteadier on his legs than in his speech and leaned heavily on the young man. They had two or three hundred paces to go. The drunken man was more and more overcome by dismay and confusion as they drew nearer the house.

“It’s not Katerina Ivanovna I am afraid of now,” he muttered in agitation—“and that she will begin pulling my hair. What does my hair matter! Bother my hair! That’s what I say! Indeed it will be better if she does begin pulling it, that’s not what I am afraid of... it’s her eyes I am afraid of... yes, her eyes... the red on her cheeks, too, frightens me... and her breathing too.... Have you noticed how people in that disease breathe... when they are excited?

I am frightened of the children’s crying, too.... For if Sonia has not taken them food... I don’t know what’s happened! I don’t know! But blows I am not afraid of.... Know, sir, that such blows are not a pain to me, but even an enjoyment. In fact I can’t get on without it.... It’s better so. Let her strike me, it relieves her heart... it’s better so... There is the house. The house of Kozel, the cabinet-maker... a German, well-to-do. Lead the way!”