PART 3 // chapter 5-4

[모나리자]

라스콜니코프의 생각은 소용돌이쳤다. 그는 몹시 짜증이 났다. "가장 나쁜 건 그들이 그것을 감추지 않는다는 거야. 그들은 예의를 차리려 하지 않아! 그리고 네가 나를 전혀 모른다면, 니코딤 포미치에게 나에 대해 이야기하러 왔어? 그래서 그들은 나를 개 떼처럼 추적한다는 것을 숨기려 하지 않아. 그들은 그저 내 얼굴에 침을 뱉을 뿐이야." 그는 분노로 떨고 있었다. "와서, 나를 공개적으로 때려, 쥐를 가진 고양이처럼 나를 가지고 놀지 마.

전혀 예의 바르지 않아, 포르피리 페트로비치, 하지만 아마 나는 허락하지 않을 거야! 나는 일어나서 네 추한 얼굴에 모든 진실을 던질 거야. 그러면 네가 얼마나 멸시받는지 알게 될 거야." 그는 거의 숨을 쉴 수 없었다. "그리고 그것이 단지 내 상상일 뿐이라면? 내가 착각하고, 경험이 부족해서 화가 나서 내 못된 짓을 계속하지 못한다면? 아마도 모두 의도치 않은 일일 거야.

그들의 모든 문구는 평범한 문구지만, 그들에 대한 무언가가 있습니다.... 모든 것을 말할 수 있지만, 무언가가 있습니다. 왜 그는 '그녀와 함께'라고 퉁명스럽게 말했을까요? 왜 자메토프는 내가 교묘하게 말했다고 덧붙였을까요? 왜 그들은 그런 어조로 말할까요? 그렇습니다, 그 어조입니다.... 라주미힌이 여기 앉아 있는데, 왜 아무것도 보지 못할까요? 그 순진한 멍청이는 아무것도 보지 못합니다! 또 열이 나요! 방금 포르피리가 나에게 윙크를 했나요? 물론 말도 안 되는 소리죠!

그는 왜 윙크를 할까요? 그들은 내 신경을 건드리려고 하는 걸까요, 아니면 나를 놀리는 걸까요? 흉내일 수도 있고, 아니면 알고 있는 걸까요! 자메토프조차 무례합니다.... 자메토프가 무례한 걸까요? 자메토프는 마음을 바꿨습니다. 그가 마음을 바꿀 거라고 예상했습니다! 그는 여기 집에 있는 동안, 내가 처음 온 것입니다. 포르피리는 그를 방문객으로 여기지 않습니다. 그에게 등을 돌리고 앉아 있습니다. 그들은 의심할 여지 없이, 나를 노리는 도둑처럼 두껍습니다! 의심할 여지 없이 그들은 우리가 오기 전에 나에 대해 이야기하고 있었다.

그들은 아파트에 대해 알고 있을까? 그들이 서둘러 주기만 했다면! 내가 아파트를 빌리려고 도망쳤다고 말했을 때 그는 그냥 지나쳤어... 나는 아파트에 대해 영리하게 말했고, 나중에 유용할지도 몰라... 정말 정신 나갔어... 하하하! 그는 어젯밤에 대해 다 알고 있어! 그는 내 어머니가 온 것을 몰랐어! 그 늙은이는 연필로 날짜를 썼어! 넌 틀렸어, 날 잡을 수 없을 거야!

사실은 없어... 다 추측일 뿐이야! 넌 사실을 만들어내!

아파트는 사실이 아니라 정신 나간 거야. 나는 그들에게 무슨 말을 해야 할지 알아.... 그들은 아파트에 대해 알고 있을까? 나는 알아내지 않고는 가지 않을 거야. 나는 왜 왔을까? 하지만 지금 내가 화가 난 것은 사실일지도 몰라! 바보야, 얼마나 짜증이 나는지! 아마 그게 맞을 거야; 병든 척을 하는 거야.... 그는 나를 느끼고 있어.

그는 나를 잡으려고 할 거야. 내가 왜 왔을까?" 이 모든 것이 그의 머릿속에 번개처럼 번쩍였다. 포르피리 페트로비치는 재빨리 돌아왔다. 그는 갑자기 더 쾌활해졌다. "어제 파티에 갔었는데, 형님. 제 머릿속이 아득해졌어요... 그리고 저는 전혀 기분이 안 좋아요." 그는 전혀 다른 어조로 말을 시작하며 라주미힌에게 웃었다.

"흥미로웠어요? 어제 가장 흥미로운 지점에서 헤어졌어요. 누가 가장 잘한 거예요?" "아뇨, 아무도요. 그들은 영원한 의문에 빠져서 우주로 떠돌아다녔어요." "그냥 상상일 뿐이에요, 로디아. 어제 우리가 한 얘기는. 범죄라는 게 있는지 없는지.

우리가 머리를 싸매고 이야기했다고 말했잖아요." "뭐가 이상해요? 일상적인 사회적 의문이에요." 라스콜니코프가 태연하게 대답했다. "그 질문은 그렇게 제기되지 않았어요." 포르피리가 말했다. "그렇지 않아요." 라주미힌이 즉시 동의하며 평소처럼 따뜻해지고 서둘렀다. "들어봐요, 로디온. 당신의 의견을 말해봐요. 듣고 싶어요. 저는 그들과 치열하게 싸웠고 당신이 저를 도와주기를 바랐어요. 내가 그들에게 당신이 온다고 말했잖아.... 사회주의 교리로 시작했어.

당신도 그들의 교리를 알잖아. 범죄는 사회 조직의 비정상성에 대한 항의일 뿐이고, 그 이상도 그 이하도 아니야. 다른 원인은 인정되지 않아!..." "그건 틀렸어." 포르피리 페트로비치가 소리쳤다. 그는 눈에 띄게 활기를 띠었고 라주미힌을 바라보며 계속 웃었고, 그로 인해 그 어느 때보다 더 흥분했다. "아무것도 인정되지 않아." 라주미힌이 격정적으로 말을 가로채며 말했다.

Raskolnikov’s thoughts were in a whirl. He was in terrible exasperation. “The worst of it is they don’t disguise it; they don’t care to stand on ceremony! And how if you didn’t know me at all, did you come to talk to Nikodim Fomitch about me? So they don’t care to hide that they are tracking me like a pack of dogs. They simply spit in my face.” He was shaking with rage. “Come, strike me openly, don’t play with me like a cat with a mouse.

It’s hardly civil, Porfiry Petrovitch, but perhaps I won’t allow it! I shall get up and throw the whole truth in your ugly faces, and you’ll see how I despise you.” He could hardly breathe. “And what if it’s only my fancy? What if I am mistaken, and through inexperience I get angry and don’t keep up my nasty part? Perhaps it’s all unintentional.

All their phrases are the usual ones, but there is something about them.... It all might be said, but there is something. Why did he say bluntly, ‘With her’? Why did Zametov add that I spoke artfully? Why do they speak in that tone? Yes, the tone.... Razumihin is sitting here, why does he see nothing? That innocent blockhead never does see anything! Feverish again! Did Porfiry wink at me just now? Of course it’s nonsense!

What could he wink for? Are they trying to upset my nerves or are they teasing me? Either it’s ill fancy or they know! Even Zametov is rude.... Is Zametov rude? Zametov has changed his mind. I foresaw he would change his mind! He is at home here, while it’s my first visit. Porfiry does not consider him a visitor; sits with his back to him. They’re as thick as thieves, no doubt, over me! Not a doubt they were talking about me before we came.

Do they know about the flat? If only they’d make haste! When I said that I ran away to take a flat he let it pass.... I put that in cleverly about a flat, it may be of use afterwards.... Delirious, indeed...ha-ha-ha! He knows all about last night! He didn’t know of my mother’s arrival! The hag had written the date on in pencil! You are wrong, you won’t catch me!

There are no facts... it’s all supposition! You produce facts!

The flat even isn’t a fact but delirium. I know what to say to them.... Do they know about the flat? I won’t go without finding out. What did I come for? But my being angry now, maybe is a fact! Fool, how irritable I am! Perhaps that’s right; to play the invalid.... He is feeling me.

He will try to catch me. Why did I come?” All this flashed like lightning through his mind. Porfiry Petrovitch returned quickly. He became suddenly more jovial. “Your party yesterday, brother, has left my head rather.... And I am out of sorts altogether,” he began in quite a different tone, laughing to Razumihin.

“Was it interesting? I left you yesterday at the most interesting point. Who got the best of it?” “Oh, no one, of course. They got on to everlasting questions, floated off into space.” “Only fancy, Rodya, what we got on to yesterday. Whether there is such a thing as crime.

I told you that we talked our heads off.” “What is there strange? It’s an everyday social question,” Raskolnikov answered casually. “The question wasn’t put quite like that,” observed Porfiry. “Not quite, that’s true,” Razumihin agreed at once, getting warm and hurried as usual. “Listen, Rodion, and tell us your opinion, I want to hear it. I was fighting tooth and nail with them and wanted you to help me. I told them you were coming.... It began with the socialist doctrine.

You know their doctrine; crime is a protest against the abnormality of the social organisation and nothing more, and nothing more; no other causes admitted!...” “You are wrong there,” cried Porfiry Petrovitch; he was noticeably animated and kept laughing as he looked at Razumihin, which made him more excited than ever. “Nothing is admitted,” Razumihin interrupted with heat.