<p> </p><p> </p><p>YERI HAN</p><p>I can't help but notice this rural area has much less city than the city we left.</p><p>(continue to wide open field)</p><p>And now there's like, no city at all. What the fuck. The nearest Starbucks is 30 miles away and a decade in the future. This is some bullshit.</p><p>STEVEN YEUN</p><p>Trust me, this is gonna be awesome! It may not have the comforts of the city, like shops or schools or infrastructure or houses built on foundations, but on the other hand, it DOES have a lack of all those things.</p><p>(grins)</p><p>Now I can't carry you up the three-foot drop to get into our new home, but if you can scramble up there, I'll carry you across a seam in the old smelly carpet inside.</p><p>YERI HAN</p><p>(frowns)</p><p>The KIDS start playing and running about.</p><p>STEVEN YEUN</p><p>Hey David, don't run around! Stop running, remember your heart condition! Also if you base a feature film on these events when you grow up, try to make us relatable and authentic?</p><p>YERI HAN</p><p>Speaking of David's heart, I should give him a quick checkup in case he's about to keel over and die. I'll take some readings while you get ready to build an entire fully-staffed hospital in twenty minutes in case there's an emergency.</p><p>STEVEN YEUN</p><p>Okay, yes, I've moved us far away from assorted important resources and support structures. But here, we have everything we truly need! Now let's all sleep on the floor to celebrate.</p><p>INT. CHICKEN SEXING FACTORY</p><p>The next morning STEVEN and YERI report for work as CHICKEN SEXERS, where we learn that STEVEN possesses CITY-LEVEL FOWL-JUNK-CHECKING skills but YERI only has COUNTRY-LEVEL POULTRY-GENITAL-ASSESSMENT ability.</p><p>STEVEN YEUN</p><p>Don't worry Yeri, this is part of why we're here, so we can both earn a living while I build our farm. It doesn't matter if I'm filling a 20-nugget box in the time it takes you to fill a six-pack.</p><p>YERI HAN</p><p>What happens to all the male chicks we throw out anyway?</p><p>STEVEN YEUN</p><p>Oh it's quite humane, they get crammed into these boxes and dumped into a raging fire and burned alive! Then any leftover charred lumps that aren't completely turned to ash get sent to the nearest Howard Johnson's.</p><p>(winks to camera)</p><p>NETFLIX</p><p>(greenlights 93-minute comedy "Chicken Sexers" starring Melissa McCarthy and John Cena)</p><p>INT. BACK AT HOME</p><p>That night the TV alerts the family to an incoming TORNADO!!</p><p>STEVEN YEUN</p><p>Oh crap! If that hits us it'll sweep up the entire house, we'll lose everything! Shit! We're so doomed! Fuck!</p><p>FAMILY</p><p>(panics)</p><p>STEVEN YEUN</p><p>...oh wait it's only a WATCH, not a tornado WARNING. Phew. That's a relief, we can stop worrying about tornadoes forever now.</p><p>DAVID</p><p>But what if next time there's an actual-</p><p>STEVEN YEUN</p><p>I. SAID. FOREVER. When future you writes all this, just remember, NO MORE TORNADOES! There, now we're safe.</p><p>YERI HAN</p><p>I can't believe you're trying to solve this with meta post-modern nonsense! It's so like you, just break the fourth wall when anything gets tough!</p><p>(smashes plate)</p><p>STEVEN and YERI get into a BIG HUGE FIGHT which sends DAVID and ANNE racing to their room to make paper airplanes with PLEASE DON'T FIGHT written on them. This fails to work so they build a PAPER MACHE SOLAR SYSTEM with a new undiscovered world called HAPPY NO FIGHTING PLANET YOU ARE HERE. This similarly fails, as does their model VOLCANO that spews out PUPPY RAINBOW HUGS, but on the other hand these kids are gonna CRUSH IT at the next few science fairs.</p><p>EXT. STEVEN'S FARM</p><p>To help get the FARM going, STEVEN hires local religious enthusiast WILL PATTON.</p><p>WILL PATTON</p><p>You won't regret this! I'm a hard worker and I know 37 languages. Thirty-six of those are "speaking in tongues" mind you BLALALAJESUSLALABLOOBLAH</p><p>STEVEN YEUN</p><p>No worries, I'm smart enough for both of us. I didn't need those local idiots with their divining rods, I found water using my BRAINS! You hear that, David? All we need to run this farm is... our BRAINS!</p><p>DAVID</p><p>(enthusiastically)</p><p>BRAIINS!! YAY FOR BRAIIIINS</p><p>STEVEN YEUN</p><p>(celebrating)</p><p>BRAAAAAIIIIINNNS</p><p>(lurches towards Will)</p><p>(zombie face)</p><p>BRRRRAAAAIIIIII...</p><p>WILL PATTON</p><p>(blinks)</p><p>STEVEN YEUN</p><p>(freezes)</p><p>(relaxes)</p><p>Sorry, old habit.</p><p>INT. THE FAMILY HOUSE</p><p>STEVEN and YERI decide to have YERI'S MOM, YUH-JUNG YOUN, move in with them to help watch the kids and cheer up YERI.</p><p>YERI HAN</p><p>It's so good to see you Mom! Also with your distinguished acting resume, might help us harvest some crops during awards season, just saying.</p><p>YUH-JUNG YOUN</p><p>Oh I'm sure the various organizations that reward American films will be happy to recognize this American story about Americans.</p><p>(stares in Golden Globe)</p><p>And these must be David and Anne!</p><p>DAVID</p><p>Boo, you're not a proper Grandma! I saw on TV, real grandmas live in Florida with Bea Arthur or maybe run a Texas oil family.</p><p>YUH-JUNG YOUN</p><p>Ah but could those grandmas teach you a cool card game like... Hwatu?</p><p>(reveals cards)</p><p>This game will blow your goddamn mind, I've seen what's on typical game shelves in the 1980s.</p><p>YERI HAN</p><p>Hmmm... doesn't this game usually involve gambling?</p><p>YUH-JUNG YOUN</p><p>AND cursing! Hey if you prefer I could grab Clue, Risk, and Monopoly and teach the kids about murder, war, and shitty games.</p><p>YERI HAN</p><p>(nods)</p><p>Proceed.</p><p>YUH-JUNG imparts the joy of TABLETOP GAMES to the kids thus establishing her as a member of the ALL-TIME VERY BEST GRANDMAS. Later, she takes DAVID and ANNE to a nearby CREEK.</p><p>YUH-JUNG YOUN</p><p>This is an important creek. Anne, David, you might miss the big-city life but this creek will help teach you what truly matters. I think we should plant some... MINARI.</p><p>ANNE</p><p>What's... MINARI?</p><p>YUH-JUNG YOUN</p><p>It's a resilient Korean plant that can flourish even in strange new surroundings and is a vital source of potassium, iron, and metaphor. Let's plant it and leave this pleasant, non-shitty creek.</p><p>Back at the HOUSE, YUH-JUNG makes a big bowl of FOUL-TASTING MEDICINAL BROTH for DAVID to eat, which he HATES. As revenge, DAVID tricks YUH-JUNG into drinking some MOUNTAIN DEW, except she actually LIKES it so for PLAN B, he replaces it with HIS OWN URINE.</p><p>ANNE</p><p>(cringing)</p><p>Ew! David!</p><p>STEVEN YEUN</p><p>I must discipline you for this! Grr! Go find me a suitable twig for me to use as punishment.</p><p>DAVID goes out and returns with a truly formidable twig almost as sturdy as HALF A SHOELACE.</p><p>STEVEN YEUN</p><p>Ah, defeated by the strict interpretation of my own words! Truly, you have outwitted me this day, and... wait a sec is this just future you writing yourself out of this situation?</p><p>DAVID</p><p>Well if you WANT more tornadoes I suppose I could-</p><p>STEVEN YEUN</p><p>NOPE NOPE it's all good, just, ah, go to your room.</p><p> </p><p>EXT. A WHILE LATER, OUT IN THE FIELDS</p><p>STEVEN continues to grow the FARM, however the BUMPER CROP turns out to be OBSTACLES TO GROWING THE FARM.</p><p>STEVEN YEUN</p><p>The water I found ran out so I'm overpaying for county water now. And I've overworked myself to the point I can't even raise my arms. But it'll all be worth it once I fulfill our first big order-</p><p>WILL PATTON</p><p>Oh haha they just cancelled on us, don't worry though because AIIAIIYAAAJESUSLORDFLAFLAPRODIGALWHOOOO</p><p>STEVEN YEUN</p><p>Fuck.</p><p>(collapses to ground)</p><p>(motionless)</p><p>Will, please bring a table out here and then flip it for me? After which I'll need you to tear out a chunk of my hair, thanks.</p><p>INT. THE FAMILY HOME</p><p>Meanwhile DAVID drops FURNITURE onto his LEG, INJURING himself, and must spend the day with YUH-JUNG. After a fine day of WALKING and BONDING and DRINKING NON-URINARY LIQUIDS, they prepare to turn in for the night.</p><p>DAVID</p><p>Grandma I'm worried about the prayer Mom taught me, where I wish to see Heaven. It kinda feels open to ironic literal interpretation, y'know?</p><p>YUH-JUNG YOUN</p><p>What a stupid prayer! Fuck that! Okay repeat after me: Dear God, fuck your stupid Heaven and shove it right up your stupid fucking ass. Amen. Now you can sleep soundly, right?</p><p>DAVID</p><p>I'm not sure that's better.</p><p>They go to SLEEP but in the morning, YUH-JUNG is unresponsive!</p><p>YERI HAN</p><p>Oh no, Mom's had a stroke! Kids, your Dad and I are taking her to hospital. Just take the bus by yourselves to any random friend's house, stay there however long you want, and we'll meet back here eventually. If anyone questions the plan just remind them it's the 1980s.</p><p>Eventually YUH-JUNG does return home but clearly IMPAIRED from the stroke, I mean, she accuses ROCKY ROLL at the BOX AT THEATRE with the .38 when it was clearly MAX FINEFLUGLE at the DOCKS with the .45, SHEEEESH.</p><p>INT. HOSPITAL IN THE BIG CITY - DAYS LATER</p><p>Everyone but YUH-JUNG drives to the HOSPITAL for DAVID'S scheduled examination.</p><p>STEVEN YEUN</p><p>(at reception)</p><p>Hello, this is my son David, here for his heart test? And this is my box of produce samples here for a sales test. Don't suppose you're on the lookout for any genuine Korean vegetables to go with your, ah, imaging machines?</p><p>YERI HAN</p><p>(fumes)</p><p>By the time STEVEN finds a shady spot to stash the VEGETABLES, the testing is over and they're just about to get the results.</p><p>YERI HAN</p><p>(to self)</p><p>It's okay Yeri, the doctor's about to explain how we need to stay close because of David's condition, then Steven will have to admit his stupid farm for stupid vegetables is dumb and stupid. It's gonna be okay.</p><p>DOCTOR</p><p>Good news! The hole in David's heart has shrunk and seems to be repairing itself. It looks like whatever lifestyle you're doing right now is 100% great for David, and you should keep doing exactly that! Yes, whoever made THAT call should be feeling pretty validated right about now!</p><p>YERI HAN</p><p>(trashes office)</p><p>STEVEN YEUN</p><p>That's great! Let's celebrate by closing a business deal to sell our produce here in the big city, that we will never live in ever again.</p><p>YERI HAN</p><p>I've had it Steven! You'll never care about us more than that box of vegetables. I think we're done here. Barring some last-minute twist of fate that shocks us into re-assessing everything we know, this is splitsville!</p><p>STEVEN YEUN</p><p>I agree. My mind's made up, goodbye forever, pending the events of the rest of today!</p><p>EXT. BACK AT THE FARM</p><p>STEVEN, YERI, and the KIDS return to find that YUH-JUNG has accidentally set the produce shed ON FIRE!</p><p>YUH-JUNG YOUN</p><p>Um right, "accidentally".</p><p>(winks)</p><p>I've been around long enough to know when a story needs a big climactic burning-down-of-shit.</p><p>STEVEN YEUN</p><p>Oh fuck! Must rush into fire!!</p><p>YERI HAN</p><p>I, too, must rush into the fire!!</p><p>STEVEN YEUN</p><p>YERI WAIT ARE YOU IN THE FIRE THAT'S BAD</p><p>YERI HAN</p><p>I AGREE THIS FUCKING SUCKS STEVEN I WILL RESCUE YOU</p><p>STEVEN YEUN</p><p>LET US RESCUE EACH OTHER AS WE ONCE PROMISED, MY LOVE</p><p>YUH-JUNG YOUN</p><p>(smiles)</p><p>(taps temple)</p><p>DAVID</p><p>Also I ran to stop you wandering off Grandma! I can run now! Even though my heart is not entirely healed so this might not have been completely safe after all</p><p>(faints)</p><p>ANNE</p><p>Ugh David, dramatic much?</p><p>Everyone gathers and SLEEPS ON THE FLOOR again, once more a big, happy, slightly singed, only gently lung damaged FAMILY.</p><p>EXT. THE CREEK</p><p>STEVEN and DAVID walk down to the creek.</p><p>STEVEN YEUN</p><p>I guess we should harvest some of this... MINARI.</p><p>(smiles)</p><p>This is a good spot your Grandma chose. Why I'd say this minari might even be... award-winning.</p><p>(winks)</p><p>DAVID</p><p>Yes, Dad, I get the hint. I'll start on the screenplay tomorrow okay?</p><p>END</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
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