Social drinking
Dear Annie: Several years ago, my husband quit drinking. He did not discuss his decision with me or anyone else. He does not attend AA meetings.
"Bob" has become an attentive partner and a man I love and respect deeply, but he also has become reclusive. He will gladly spend time with me and our adult children, but nobody else. We never get invited anywhere anymore because we have turned down every invitation. Now he is avoiding events that include extended family. He is talking about going away on vacation next Christmas, which is the only remaining occasion we spend with others.
Some of our friends are light social drinkers. Family events usually include alcohol, but no one drinks heavily and many of the adults don't drink at all. I love my husband very much, but I really need to be around people. I am dreading our retirement years with no friends in our lives.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I just shut up and count my blessings? -- Isolated Wife
Dear Isolated: Because Bob quit drinking on his own, as admirable as that is, it means he has no support network in place. We suspect he worries he'll be tempted by any alcohol at these occasions, and he could be right. He also may be suffering from depression, and while he may find it easier to avoid people, it doesn't help.
First, suggest to Bob that he go to an AA meeting, just to see if he likes it. Then you should contact Al-Anon (al-anon.alateen.org) at 1-888-4-AL-ANON (1-800-425-2666). You also can explain your concern and ask him to see a counselor. Finally, there is no reason you cannot attend social events without Bob, especially family holidays and celebrations. If he chooses to stay home alone, so be it.
Dear Annie: How does someone mend a rift that happened 20 years ago? My younger brother and I stopped speaking to each other after an argument I barely remember. The rift has been fueled by physical distance and immaturity on both our parts. At first I was angry, but now I'm just sad. I'd like to talk to him, but don't know how to begin. When I've tried before, he's brushed me off. He even ignored an invitation to my wedding.
I once asked a mutual friend why my brother hates me so much and was told he thought I was a snob. Another time, he told someone I teased him too much as a child, but believe me, it went both ways. My father is out of the picture, and my mother is afraid of making him mad, so she won't intervene. I don't know why I feel the need to fix this and am not sure it's worth it, but I thought I'd get your input before I give up. -- Missing Him in Texas
Dear Texas: Call your brother on the phone. Say, "I'm sorry for whatever I may have done in the past to cause our estrangement. I love you and miss you. Can we start over?" Do not get sucked into the old blame game. Just repeat, "You're right. I'm sorry," whether you mean it or not. If he refuses to allow the rift to mend, there is nothing more you can do, but at least you will know you tried.
2008.04.26
Rape in the family
Dear Annie: I recently found out that when my daughter was 7 years old, she was raped at least three times by her 13-year-old cousin. She had been holding this in and finally had an emotional meltdown. The timing of these incidents happened when her father and I were going through a separation.
The cousin who did this is now 24. His mother spoke with him, and he said he recalled one of the instances, but not all three. The mother then told me, "We don't know who might be lying." She also stated they were both "only kids" when it happened and he didn't mean to hurt her. She wants us all to discuss it together.
Annie, my daughter was 7 and he was 13 -- a teenager who knew right from wrong and selected someone who could not fight back and was unlikely to tell. I am infuriated by his mother's suggestion that we just sit down and talk. She is trying to minimize the rape.
My daughter was an upbeat, cheerful person who was involved in school and volunteer projects. Now that she is no longer able to hide the hurt, she is none of those things. Other relatives are being supportive and I have suggested counseling, but she hasn't taken me up on the offer. What can I do for her -- and what do I do about this cousin? If it were up to me, he would be arrested. -- Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken: We're not sure what you can do about the cousin, since he was only 13 and it was 11 years ago. But it's not too late for your daughter. Please contact the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (rainn.org) at 1-800-656-HOPE (1-800-656-4673), and ask how you can help her through this difficult time.
Dear Annie: My husband's mother moved in with us five years ago, when both our children were young. I wasn't wild about the idea, but I wanted to please my husband. We have a small three-bedroom house, and at the time, our kids were sharing a room, so there was a spare.
My oldest son now wants his own room. My husband's sister has a larger house with a spare room, but she hasn't offered to take Mom and my husband refuses to ask her.
Besides not doing anything around the house to help out, which drives me mad, the situation is putting a strain on our marriage. -- At Wits' End in Washington
Dear Washington: Is Mom capable of living independently? Can you look into nearby apartments, retirement communities or assisted living homes? Call the Eldercare Locator (eldercare.gov) at 1-800-677-1116 to see what resources are available in your area. It is a loving gesture to allow a parent to live with you, but if it undermines your marriage and Mom is able to live elsewhere, we see no reason to continue this arrangement. Discuss all options with your husband, and make it clear that the current situation is no longer working.
2008.04.24