5월8일(목) 1.Incestuous behavior 2. Hiding something

[Max(金昌鎬)]

Incestuous behavior
Dear Annie: Do you think ostriches are emotionally healthy? I ask because I want to hide my head in a hole.

I come from a family with five adult children. Dad passed away a few years back, and, as I write this, Mom has been in the hospital for a month. Her hospitalization has caused an awkward reunification of the siblings.

During a lengthy phone call with my younger sister, she revealed that she and my youngest brother were repeatedly sexually abused by my oldest brother. Although I urged her to seek professional help, I am having difficulty digesting this 40-year-old information.

My relationship with my older brother hasn't been good for years. (He was a Vietnam vet, and I was a war protester.) Still, I always respected and looked up to him. Now, I feel the big brother I once loved is a sham.

I live in another state with a wonderful husband and two great children. I want to wash my hands of the lot of my siblings and the dirty family secrets they have kept. My mother, however, wants her family around her. I don't think she is aware of my brother's incestuous behavior, and if she did know, I suspect she put it away somewhere deep in the recesses of her memory.
Should I keep up appearances until my mother passes on (which could be in 10 years or 10 minutes)? This goes against every grain of my being. Should I confront my brother? Can I run away from home? Please help. -- Disillusioned Sister

Dear Sister: If you are 100 percent certain that your sister's accusations are true, you should confront your brother. But don't blame your other siblings for what happened. It is unfair to estrange them all because you are angry with one. And it would be self-serving and hurtful to create a family rift while your mother is hospitalized. You sound like an intelligent woman. Surely you can find a way to work through this without burying your head in the sand.

Dear Annie: I would like to comment on your advice to "Freakin' Out in Philly," who resented that her parents left the family business to her brothers. She sounds like a victim of her own making.

If the sisters really want a piece of the business, why don't they act like businesswomen and approach their brothers about investing or becoming partners, instead of harassing their elderly parents about fairness? Parents often base such decisions on who they think would be most likely to carry on the business in the spirit in which it was created. Obviously, the sons are doing a good job if their wives and children are bragging about "living the good life." This woman needs to find a way to respect her parents' decision. -- Wife of an Inheritor
Dear Wife: Your perspective has merit.

Hiding something
Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for 19 years. During this time, he has had a series of what I term "inappropriate relationships" with women. He seems to have some deep need to rescue them. Although I thought his time would have been better spent with his family, I never believed anything sexual was going on.

Last fall, I went to the gynecologist and was horrified to learn I had a genital wart. It was surgically removed, and there have been no symptoms since. I have never slept with anyone but my husband. He swore up and down that he hadn't either, but he refused to go to the doctor. I gave him an ultimatum -- get tested, give me some explanation or no sex. A year later, we're still at an impasse.

I can't believe my husband would lie to me about something so import!ant, although I know he has lied to me about other things. We may be headed for divorce, and I feel like no other man will ever want me now. It's so depressing. Is it possible to carry this sexually transmitted disease for years without having symptoms? My doctor thinks my husband is lying. What do you think? I don't know whom to believe. -- Diseased in North Carolina

Dear N.C.: It's true that this virus often has no symptoms, especially in men, and can remain dormant for a long time. (For more information, contact the American Social Health Assn., P.O. Box 13827, Research Triangle Park, N.C. 27709, ashastd.org.) However, that doesn't mean your husband is telling you the truth. Any man who'd rather give up sex for a year than be tested is likely trying to hide something. It's time to see a marriage counselor and get to the bottom of this.

Dear Annie: I have been married for 20 years and have three teenagers. My problem is I hate holidays because my husband never acknowledges any of them. Every Christmas, I did all the shopping, wrapping, etc., but he always gave the credit to Santa, which the kids assumed meant Daddy.

From the time my children were little, my husband never helped or encouraged them to get me a Mother's Day card, present or even a dandelion from the front lawn. I always made sure our children showed their appreciation on Father's Day, but he never returned the favor. Our anniversary comes and goes.

Christmas is coming again, and I can't handle it. I go to therapy, but he's not interested. I do love this man, and he tells me he is very comfortable in our relationship, but I'm not sure what that means. I'm losing it. -- Need Help in Connecticut

Dear Conn.: Your husband is one of those men who never was taught the import!ance of acknowledging special occasions. His father is probably the same way. If it's so import!ant that he give you a Christmas present, tell him exactly what you want and remind him. Or get something for yourself, put his name on the card, and gush with appreciation when you open it. After 20 years, you should accept this part of his personality and let it go. It's not worth a wrecked marriage, honey.