Together 24/7
Dear Annie: I am a college sophomore, and I have a problem with my roommate, "Janie." Janie and I are friends, but not really close. Whenever I am invited out, however, she assumes she is invited, too.
I would feel awful telling her she can't come with, because I suspect she doesn't have any other friends. My friends like her well enough, but things always seem a little awkward when she's around.
Just because we're roommates, does that mean we are joined at the hip? I don't want to be selfish, nor do I want to be mean to Janie, but this situation is really making me dislike her. Being with her 24/7 is too much time spent with one person.
How can I distance myself from Janie, socially, without hurting her feelings? -- Annoyed Roommate
Dear Annoyed: You and Janie are in college, now, and it's time for you to grit your teeth and take on the hard tasks. Talk to Janie. Explain that it isn't healthy (not to mention it can damage the friendship) to be together 24/7. She needs to develop her own social life and extracurricular activities. College provides a wonderful opportunity to meet a culturally diverse collection of people your own age, and she shouldn't squander it. Encourage Janie to join some campus organizations, find a part-time job, do volunteer work or tutor. If things don't improve, you might consider finding another roommate next year.
Dear Annie: This is in response to "Frustrated Parents in Illinois," who have a 4-year-old autistic son. They had trouble dealing with rude comments about their son's behavior in public. I have two autistic children and can relate.
The Autism Society of America offers a business card you can hand to people. One side explains the characteristics of autism, and the other tells how to communicate with those who have autism.
I have presented this card to friends who were curious, to my son's T-ball coach and to complete strangers. It also includes a note to policemen, firemen, etc., that the autistic person may not understand or communicate, which makes it a good tool to place in your child's pocket or backpack.
The card not only educates others, but it stops rude people in their tracks. You can order 100 of these cards for $18 through the Autism Society of America (autism-society.org) at 1-800-3AUTISM (1-800-328-8476). -- B.L.L.
Dear B.L.L.: What a wonderful resource. Thank you. Read on for more:
Virginia: I have a 4-year-old autistic son. I would love for critics to spend one week in my life and then say, "Make him be quiet." Would you tell a child in a wheelchair to be quiet if his wheels were making too much noise? With education and awareness, maybe these people will learn not to judge our children so fast.
Troubling knowledge
Dear Annie: My blood type is AB, and my wife's is B. I happened to see our adult son's Red Cross donor card, and it shows that he is type O. The good news is that we are all regular donors. The bad news is that he cannot be my son.
A little over 40 years ago, around the time "Wayne" was conceived, my wife and I had a bit of a rough patch, but that is long behind us now. Since his birth, I always have considered him my son.
I don't know how to raise this issue with my wife. I love her more than life itself and do not want to harm our close relationship. And, I also don't want to hurt "my" son. At the same time, this knowledge is very troubling to me and may have inheritance implications, etc.
Is there a way to clear the air and let my wife know I will love her no matter what? What do I do, and how do I do it? -- Negative Dad
Dear Negative: The information on a donor card is not sacrosanct, and it's possible there was an error. If you feel the need to discuss this with your wife, you might want to do so without accusations. If you truly mean what you say, we suggest telling her you saw Wayne's donor card and you decided that it didn't matter.
We hope that goes for the "inheritance implications" as well. Since you consider him your son, that is how he should be treated, regardless of his paternity. If he is, in fact, not yours, your wife might want to consider telling Wayne the truth at some point, in case he needs medical information.
Dear Annie: I'm a 23-year-old, newly engaged female. My fiance proposed in October, and I quickly chose my dress, attendants, reception hall, etc. The problem? My cousin, "Brian," and his wife, "Ashley," are mad because I didn't choose Ashley to be in the wedding party and I didn't ask Brian's daughter to be a flower girl.
They are so furious they won't speak to me. I had asked Brian's sister if her daughter would be a flower girl, and Ashley tried to get my other cousin to pull her daughter out of the wedding because it would "serve me right."
I've been told to cut them off the guest list, but it saddens me to think some of my own family won't show up. What should I do? -- New Bride-To-Be
Dear Bride-To-Be: Asking the daughter of one cousin to be a flower girl, but not the other, can understandably cause ruffled feathers. Nonetheless, Brian and Ashley have no business making demands regarding your attendants, and they should be ignored.
Leave the guest list alone. If Brian and Ashley don't attend, fine. If they do show up, be as gracious as possible and say nothing more about it.
Dear Annie: My 10-year-old niece, "Lilly," is having her birthday dinner at an extremely fancy, expensive restaurant. Her well-to-do grandparents (on the other side) will be covering the cost of the guests' meals.
My three daughters are close to Lilly, and our family of five has been invited to the dinner. However, I was shocked to learn that because we are not related to her grandparents, we will be picking up our own tab. I find it abhorrent that some guests will have to pay and others won't. We have a nice relationship with Lilly, however, and I don't want to do anything to harm that. Your thoughts? -- Feeling Excluded
Dear Excluded: The "hosts" should not have selected such an expensive restaurant if they did not intend to treat everyone. It is unfair to those who might otherwise have chosen a different location. If you can afford the place and you want to be nice to Lilly, go anyway. Otherwise, it's perfectly OK to send your regrets.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column