PART 3 // chapter 6-1

[모나리자]

"믿을 수 없어, 믿을 수 없어!" 라주미힌이 라스콜니코프의 주장을 반박하려고 애쓰며 되뇌었다. 그들은 바칼레예프의 숙소에 다다랐고, 풀케리아 알렉산드로브나와 두니아는 오랫동안 그들을 기다리고 있었다. 라주미힌은 토론에 열중한 나머지 길을 가다 계속 멈추어 섰고, 처음으로 공개적으로 이야기한다는 사실에 혼란스러워하고 흥분했다. "그럼 믿지 마!" 라스콜니코프가 차갑고 태연한 미소를 지으며 대답했다. "평소처럼 아무것도 눈치채지 못했지만, 나는 모든 말을 숙고하고 있었어." "의심이 많으시군요.

그래서 그들의 말을 숙고하신 거군요... 음... 물론 동의합니다. 포르피리의 어조가 이상했고, 그보다 더 얄미운 자메토프가 더 이상했어요!... 맞아요, 그에게는 뭔가가 있었어요. 하지만 왜? 왜요?" "어젯밤 이후로 마음이 바뀌었어요." "전혀 그 반대예요! 그들이 그런 무의미한 생각을 가지고 있다면, 그들은 그것을 숨기고, 카드를 감추고, 나중에 당신을 잡기 위해 최선을 다할 것입니다... 하지만 그것은 모두 뻔뻔스럽고 부주의했습니다." "그들이 사실을 가지고 있었다면, 제 말은, 진짜 사실 말입니다. 아니면 적어도 의심할 만한 근거가 있었다면, 그들은 더 많은 것을 얻기 위해 확실히 게임을 숨기려고 했을 것입니다(그들은 오래전에 수색을 했을 것입니다).

하지만 그들은 사실이 없습니다. 하나도 없습니다. 그것은 모두 환상입니다. 모두 모호합니다. 그저 떠도는 생각일 뿐입니다. 그래서 그들은 뻔뻔스럽게 나를 내쫓으려고 합니다. 그리고 아마도, 그는 사실이 없다는 것에 짜증이 나서 짜증을 내어 그것을 터뜨렸을 것입니다. 아니면 그는 어떤 계획이 있을 것입니다... 그는 지적인 사람처럼 보입니다. 아마도 그는 아는 척해서 나를 놀라게 하고 싶었을 것입니다. 그들은 그들만의 심리를 가지고 있습니다, 형제여. 하지만 모든 것을 설명하는 것은 역겹습니다. 그만해!" "그리고 그것은 모욕적입니다, 모욕적입니다! 나는 당신을 이해합니다.

하지만... 우리가 지금 공개적으로 이야기했으니(마침내 그렇게 된 건 정말 훌륭한 일이야—기쁘다) 나는 오래전에 그들에게서 이 생각을 알아챘다는 걸 지금 솔직히 인정할게.

물론 아주 단순한 암시일 뿐—암시일 뿐—하지만 왜 암시를 하는 거지? 어떻게 감히 그럴 수 있니? 무슨 근거로 그럴 수 있니? 내가 얼마나 화가 났는지 알았으면.

생각해 봐! 가난과 우울증에 정신이 나간 가난한 학생이 심각한 섬망성 질환(주의) 직전에 의심이 많고 허영심이 강하고 거만하며 6개월 동안 말을 나눌 사람을 한 명도 보지 못하고 누더기 차림에 밑창도 없는 부츠를 신고 비참한 경찰을 마주하고 그들의 무례함을 참아야 하고 예상치 못한 빚을 코앞에 내던지고 빚 독촉을 받아야 하기 때문이야. 체바로프가 제시한 새로운 페인트, 로뮈르 30도, 숨 막힐 듯한 분위기, 군중, 그가 방금 전에 있었던 살인에 대한 이야기, 그리고 이 모든 것이 공복에—그는 기절할지도 모른다!

그리고 그게 그들이 그것을 발견한 것이다! 젠장! 얼마나 성가신지 알지만, 로디아, 당신 입장이었다면 나는 그들을 비웃거나, 더 나은 방법으로, 그들의 추한 얼굴에 침을 뱉고, 사방으로 열두 번이나 침을 뱉었을 것이다. 나는 사방으로, 깔끔하게 때렸고, 그래서 나는 그것을 끝낼 수 있었다. 젠장! 낙담하지 마. 부끄러운 일이야!" "하지만 그는 정말 잘 표현했어." 라스콜니코프가 생각했다. "젠장? 하지만 내일 또 반대 심문이 있어?" 그는 씁쓸하게 말했다. "정말로 그들과 변명을 해야 하나?

어제 식당에서 자메토프와 대화를 나누는 게 창피한 일인데...” “젠장! 내가 직접 포르피리로 가야겠어. 가족으로서 그에게서 짜내야 해. 그는 내게 모든 것을 속속들이 알려줘야 해! 그리고 자메토프는...” “마침내 그를 꿰뚫어보는구나!” 라스콜니코프가 생각했다. “기다려!” 라주미힌이 소리치며 다시 그의 어깨를 잡았다. “기다려! 넌 틀렸어. 내가 생각해 봤어. 넌 틀렸어! 그게 어떻게 함정이었어? 너는 인부들에 대한 질문이 함정이라고 했지. 하지만 네가 그랬다면, 그들이 아파트를 칠하는 걸 봤다고 말할 수 있었을까... 그리고 인부들도? 반대로, 봤더라도 아무것도 보지 못했을 거야.

누가 스스로에게 책임을 묻겠어?” “내가 그랬다면, 인부들과 아파트를 봤다고 말했을 거야.” 라스콜니코프가 망설임과 명백한 혐오감을 가지고 대답했다. "하지만 왜 스스로에게 반박하는 거야?" "농부나 경험이 부족한 초보자만이 시험에서 모든 것을 단호하게 부인하거든. 사람이 아무리 발달이 덜 되고 경험이 부족하더라도 피할 수 없는 모든 외부적 사실을 인정하려 할 테지만, 다른 설명을 찾고, 특별하고 예상치 못한 전환을 도입하여 다른 의미를 부여하고 다른 관점에서 볼 수 있게 할 거야.

포르피리는 내가 반드시 그렇게 대답하고, 진실을 보여주기 위해 내가 그것들을 봤다고 말한 다음 설명을 해야 한다고 생각할지도 몰라."

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CHAPTER VI

“I don’t believe it, I can’t believe it!” repeated Razumihin, trying in perplexity to refute Raskolnikov’s arguments. They were by now approaching Bakaleyev’s lodgings, where Pulcheria Alexandrovna and Dounia had been expecting them a long while. Razumihin kept stopping on the way in the heat of discussion, confused and excited by the very fact that they were for the first time speaking openly about it. “Don’t believe it, then!” answered Raskolnikov, with a cold, careless smile. “You were noticing nothing as usual, but I was weighing every word.” “You are suspicious.   

That is why you weighed their words... h’m... certainly, I agree, Porfiry’s tone was rather strange, and still more that wretch Zametov!... You are right, there was something about him—but why? Why?” “He has changed his mind since last night.” “Quite the contrary! If they had that brainless idea, they would do their utmost to hide it, and conceal their cards, so as to catch you afterwards.... But it was all impudent and careless.” “If they had had facts—I mean, real facts—or at least grounds for suspicion, then they would certainly have tried to hide their game, in the hope of getting more (they would have made a search long ago besides).

But they have no facts, not one. It is all mirage—all ambiguous. Simply a floating idea. So they try to throw me out by impudence. And perhaps, he was irritated at having no facts, and blurted it out in his vexation—or perhaps he has some plan... he seems an intelligent man. Perhaps he wanted to frighten me by pretending to know. They have a psychology of their own, brother. But it is loathsome explaining it all. Stop!” “And it’s insulting, insulting! I understand you.

But... since we have spoken openly now (and it is an excellent thing that we have at last—I am glad) I will own now frankly that I noticed it in them long ago, this idea.

Of course the merest hint only—an insinuation—but why an insinuation even? How dare they? What foundation have they? If only you knew how furious I have been.

Think only! Simply because a poor student, unhinged by poverty and hypochondria, on the eve of a severe delirious illness (note that), suspicious, vain, proud, who has not seen a soul to speak to for six months, in rags and in boots without soles, has to face some wretched policemen and put up with their insolence; and the unexpected debt thrust under his nose, the I.O.U. presented by Tchebarov, the new paint, thirty degrees Reaumur and a stifling atmosphere, a crowd of people, the talk about the murder of a person where he had been just before, and all that on an empty stomach—he might well have a fainting fit!

And that, that is what they found it all on! Damn them! I understand how annoying it is, but in your place, Rodya, I would laugh at them, or better still, spit in their ugly faces, and spit a dozen times in all directions. I’d hit out in all directions, neatly too, and so I’d put an end to it. Damn them! Don’t be downhearted. It’s a shame!” “He really has put it well, though,” Raskolnikov thought. “Damn them? But the cross-examination again, to-morrow?” he said with bitterness. “Must I really enter into explanations with them?

I feel vexed as it is, that I condescended to speak to Zametov yesterday in the restaurant....” “Damn it! I will go myself to Porfiry. I will squeeze it out of him, as one of the family: he must let me know the ins and outs of it all! And as for Zametov...” “At last he sees through him!” thought Raskolnikov. “Stay!” cried Razumihin, seizing him by the shoulder again. “Stay! you were wrong. I have thought it out. You are wrong! How was that a trap? You say that the question about the workmen was a trap. But if you had done that, could you have said you had seen them painting the flat... and the workmen? On the contrary, you would have seen nothing, even if you had seen it.

Who would own it against himself?” “If I had done that thing, I should certainly have said that I had seen the workmen and the flat,” Raskolnikov answered, with reluctance and obvious disgust. “But why speak against yourself?” “Because only peasants, or the most inexperienced novices deny everything flatly at examinations. If a man is ever so little developed and experienced, he will certainly try to admit all the external facts that can’t be avoided, but will seek other explanations of them, will introduce some special, unexpected turn, that will give them another significance and put them in another light.

Porfiry might well reckon that I should be sure to answer so, and say I had seen them to give an air of truth, and then make some explanation.”