<p> </p><p>EXT. PLAIN BLACK SCREEN</p><p>Instead of opening on the MARVEL STUDIOS LOGO like everyone's expecting, fans are presented with a drab, knock-off STAR WARS CRAWL and what in the fresh hell is this?! They expect us to READ?? #notmymarvelmovie</p><p>SALMA HAYEK</p><p>Just go with it, okay? We're not even gonna pretend people know what the hell our deal is, and this story's already gonna be long enough.</p><p>After the first (of many) exposition dumps, all the ETERNALS get dressed for work, and RICHARD MADDEN shoots his shot.</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>(gazing at Planet Earth)</p><p>It's a real shithole.</p><p>RICHARD MADDEN</p><p>(ogling Gemma)</p><p>Totally...wait what?</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>Oh whoops wrong movie.</p><p>(actual line)</p><p>It's beautiful, isn't it?</p><p>EXT. MESOPOTAMIA - A VERY BIG NUMBER B.C.</p><p>FISHERMAN</p><p>Wow, life in this era sucks so hard I can barely muster the energy to warn my child of this huge rampaging beastie about to chomp my entire</p><p>(dead)</p><p>DEVIANTS ATTACK! But swooping in to the rescue are the ETERNALS!</p><p>(pause for applause)</p><p>ANGELINA JOLIE</p><p>Let's quickly demonstrate all our powers. I can summon cool shiny energy weapons!</p><p>DON LEE</p><p>I can punch stuff real good because the MCU was really lacking for heroes with that power.</p><p>KUMAIL NANJIANI</p><p>I create energy balls and then fire them at people, and yes I got totally swole for no reason.</p><p>LAUREN RIDLOFF</p><p>(signing)</p><p>I run really really fast!</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>I turn stuff into other stuff!</p><p>LIA MCHUGH</p><p>I make illusions! Also I'm a perpetual child while the rest of my family gets to be super hot, so that blows.</p><p>RICHARD MADDEN</p><p>I can fly and have super-strength and laser vision and invulnerability and enhanced speed, so fuck all you single-powered losers.</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>Yeah, well maybe I can't affect sentient beings (yet), but I could still turn your outfit into acid and the air around you to solid lead, so let's not get TOO high and mighty.</p><p>(pause)</p><p>Also I love you?</p><p>They team obliterates all the DEVIANTS and then get into their SPLASH PAGE FORMATION to finish introducing themselves.</p><p>BARRY KEOGHAN</p><p>Aaaand just a quick shot of mind control to make these humans trust us. I gotta say, that is SO much easier than having to learn diplomacy or any people skills whatsoever.</p><p>SALMA HAYEK</p><p>Greetings humans! We are the Eternals, sent to protect you from the Deviants and guide your evolutionary progress.</p><p>BRIAN TYREE HENRY</p><p>I shall use my invention powers to boost your technology! And many thousands of years from now, give a slight, long-overdue nudge to your social progress as well.</p><p>JOE RUSSO (O.S.)</p><p>You mean my Endgame cameo didn't count?</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>But to start things off, allow me to fashion you a bitchin' decorative dagger. And thus begins our long-term mission, one that will span centuries. Hm, what musical cue would match well with the expanse of years we're about to experience... something that evokes the passage of something quite vast, a fundamental dimension of our reality-</p><p>CUE: "TIME" BY PINK FLOYD</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>Well that's a bit on the nose but okay.</p><p>EXT. LONDON - VAGUELY "PRESENT DAY" BY MCU STANDARDS</p><p>Modern-day GEMMA has been alive for millennia but still can't be on time for basic adult responsibilities, so good thing her totally regular human boyfriend KIT HARINGTON is here to pick up the slack.</p><p>KIT HARINGTON</p><p>I'm openly flirting with you in front of all these pupils because I'm a PROFESSIONAL.</p><p>There's a random earthquake that they deal with real quick, no big deal, and then it's straight to the PARTYING.</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>Kit, let's go out tonight and celebrate your birthday just to make it super clear that Lia totally got the short end of the stick with this whole 'eternal life' thing.</p><p>EXT. LONDON - NIGHT - AND YOU BETTER HOPE YOUR THEATRE BOTHERED TO REPLACE THEIR WORN-OUT PROJECTOR BULBS FROM 2019 OR GOOD LUCK, ASSHOLES</p><p>KIT, GEMMA, and LIA go out for a night of clubbing where an unknown actress gets her first MCU CREDIT as "GROWN-UP ILLUSION OF ETERNAL BEING TRAPPED IN CHILD'S BODY HAVING A NIGHT ON THE TOWN" and let's hope she has OTHER CREDITS.</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>Look Kit, I got you an antique ancestral ring! It really boosted my dating game when I started collecting ancient relics connected to every hot young bachelor in town.</p><p>KIT HARINGTON</p><p>Oh thanks! I just hope this doesn't awaken anything in me.</p><p>Just then a WRITHING CGI GLOBULE emerges from the river and ATTACKS!!</p><p>LIA MCHUGH</p><p>A Deviant?!</p><p>(channeling Chris Pratt from "Infinity War")</p><p>How the hell is this dude still alive?</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>And this Deviant seems to have Salma's healing power on top of being a Yesterday's Spaghetti monster. But all your illusions and my transmuting everything in sight are, strangely enough, useless against it! How can-</p><p>RICHARD MADDEN</p><p>(flying in)</p><p>HEY THERE ROPEY-DOPE, NOW CAN I ASK, DO YOU BLEED?</p><p>(zaps, pummels the Deviant)</p><p>DON'T WORRY LONDONERS NOTHING TO SEE HERE</p><p>(flies, lasers, wrecks stuff)</p><p>WERE WE STILL BEING ALL SECRETIVE I FORGET</p><p>Eventually the DEVIANT is driven off, allowing us to switch from DOZENS OF INNOCENT LIVES IN PERIL back to GEMMA'S AWKWARD DATING LIFE.</p><p>KIT HARINGTON</p><p>So this must be Big Mister I'll Still Be Alive And Hot Long After Puny Human Kit is Long Dead, huh? Doesn't seem all that.</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>I don't understand, our Deviant-detectors assured us all the Deviants were dead ages ago! I know those detectors can't penetrate like two feet of ice, but still, what happened?!</p><p>RICHARD MADDEN</p><p>Somehow, the Deviants returned.</p><p>(pause)</p><p>Wow, imagine if we just left it at that? What assholes would WE be, but don't worry, we do actually explain it later.</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>We must track down the others and warn them! Well when I say "track down", we know exactly where everyone is, just not their phone numbers or emails, thus requiring a huge global trek to actually talk to everyone face-to-face.</p><p>LIA MCHUGH</p><p>Told you we needed a Discord channel, but NOOOOOOO</p><p>KIT HARINGTON</p><p>Aanndd that's my cue. Awkwafina already did the whole 'fish out of water' thing earlier this year, so see you guys in the next movie.</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>No wait, you can't leave, you have audience surrogate questions to ask! At least come back in the last five minutes plus for a super quick post-credits scene?</p><p>KIT HARINGTON</p><p>Deal, as long as I get to be completely cryptic about my lineage for literally no reason.</p><p>EXT. FLASHBACK - STILL VERY ANCIENT TIMES BUT LESS ANCIENT THAN THE OPENING SCENE</p><p>The ETERNALS are merrily advancing society, like you do.</p><p>RICHARD MADDEN</p><p>We have less than zero chemistry, Gemma, but since we're both perfect physical specimens, how about we...</p><p>(wiggles his eyebrows)</p><p>Bow chicka wow wow?</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>Okay! But since this is the MCU's first actual sex scene, we're only allowed "brief sexuality", so let's keep it really missionary.</p><p>RICHARD MADDEN</p><p>Well we are missionaries. We're on a mission.</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>AW YEAH HOT BUT NOT BRIGHT THAT'S MY JAM C'MERE YOU</p><p>EXT. SALMA'S SOUTH DAKOTA SHITHOLE - PRESENT DAY</p><p>GEMMA, already sick of this whole leading lady business, convinces the trio that they should start at SALMA HAYEK'S FARM, only to find out that she has BOUGHT THE FARM!</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>Holy shit noooo! I could have sworn they signed her to at least two more movies! And what about those trailer lines she hasn't said yet?</p><p>RICHARD MADDEN</p><p>Well, she's totes dead. Obviously the Deviants got her, right? We all agree that's the only possible explanation right? Looks like case closed to me.</p><p>(puts dossier in "SOLVED CASES" filing cabinet)</p><p>(locks cabinet)</p><p>(throws down a hole)</p><p>As everyone grieves, SALMA'S THROATBUD leaves her body and wedges itself into GEMMA! Instantly she finds herself addressing the BIG BOI CELESTIAL!</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>Yoiks! So, ah, I guess I should get fully briefed on our true mission?</p><p>BIG BOI CELESTIAL</p><p>INDEED, MY CHILD. BRACE YOURSELF FOR THE DEVASTATING TRUTH OF-</p><p>(pause)</p><p>OH ACTUALLY THE DOG JUST GRABBED MY POT ROAST OFF THE TABLE GOTTA GO BYEEE</p><p>(disconnects)</p><p>EXT. FLASHBACK - SLIGHTLY LESS ANCIENT TIMES THAN BEFORE</p><p>Our heroes are busy not interfering in a WAR by STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO IT instead of being HOURS AWAY or whatever.</p><p>JEFFREY WRIGHT</p><p>Pretty sure that whole 'not interfering' business started with me...</p><p>SALMA HAYEK</p><p>Pssh, you're just from a puny animated show that's not even canon.</p><p>(pauses, considers)</p><p>Or is it?...</p><p>KEVIN FEIGE</p><p>(poker face)</p><p>I'll never tell.</p><p>KUMAIL NANJIANI</p><p>It sucks that we can't interfere in human conflict, but after all it's not like our goal is to keep the maximum number of humans alive so they can reach a certain population threshold or something.</p><p>LAUREN RIDLOFF</p><p>(signing)</p><p>Ha ha it's true, if THAT were our only goal, we'd be better off breeding them like docile sheep! Ha ha ha. I bet Barry could help with that.</p><p>(winks)</p><p>ANGELINA JOLIE</p><p>Well I don't have my own storyline yet, so screw it I'm going mad! Blargh blorgh yarbity blarb!</p><p>(attacks everyone)</p><p>The others eventually subdue ANGELINA after a bit of that sweet sweet HERO-ON-HERO FIGHT ACTION.</p><p>DON LEE</p><p>I'm afraid Angelina has got Mudhoney syndrome. Sadly however there is no cure for the Muad'dibby. And if her Mozzarella progresses it will destroy her brain entirely, and Angie's too high billed for a one-off cameo. We gotta figure this out!</p><p>SALMA HAYEK</p><p>It's a bit drastic, but I can stop her Mulaney by rebooting her entire charac-</p><p>ANGELINA JOLIE</p><p>NO NO NO THIS IS THE MCU NOT FUCKING DC WE'RE NOT REBOOTING EVERY FUCKING CHARACTER EVERY TEN FUCKING MINUTES, OKAY?!</p><p>DON LEE</p><p>I agree. No reboots. I'll keep watch over Angelina through the eras and make sure she's never rebooted, not even by Alicia Vikander.</p><p>BARRY KEOGHAN</p><p>I still don't get why I have these god-level mind control powers and can't really use them. I know Phase One leaned a bit hard on mind control, but c'mon, when was the last time a Marvel movie built everything around mind-</p><p>SCARLETT JOHANSSON AND FLORENCE PUGH</p><p>(cough)</p><p>BARRY KEOGHAN</p><p>Whatever, I don't care. I'm taking these two armies, and ONLY them, and marching off to have an epic, centuries-long pout!</p><p>(leaves)</p><p>LAUREN RIDLOFF</p><p>(makes "heart fluttering" gestures)</p><p>SALMA HAYEK</p><p>I guess this is a good time as any for ALL of us to pursue our solo projects. Was gonna wait until Brian finished that ice-penetration modification on the Deviant Detector, but hell with it. Mission accomplished everyone!</p><p>INT. BOLLYWOOD MOVIE SET - PRESENT DAY</p><p>To prevent the MARVEL JOKE METER from becoming precariously low, the group heads to Mumbai to reunite with KUMAIL the COMEDIAN, so he's gotta be funny, right?</p><p>KUMAIL NANJIANI</p><p>(gesticulating wildly)</p><p>You can't tell I had barely any time to prep for this dance number, right?</p><p>RICHARD MADDEN</p><p>...Don't quit your day job.</p><p>LIA MCHUGH</p><p>Hey Kumail, Salma's dead.</p><p>KUMAIL NANJIANI</p><p>Damn, and to think I was gonna invite her to my next movie premiere. Hey Richard, you wanna come instead?</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>Well this was pointless. Who's next on the shortlist?</p><p>HARISH PATEL</p><p>Sir, did you tell them about the private plane?</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>(suddenly interested)</p><p>Forget what I said before. Kumail, you're imperative to this mission.</p><p>EXT. DOWN UNDER</p><p>The growing posse heads to Australia to find ANGIE and DON, who are living in possibly platonic(?) domestic bliss, aside from whenever ANGIE suffers a violent episode of MAHOGANY.</p><p>DON LEE</p><p>Oh hey guys, was that an earthquake or am I just a closeted alcoholic using the bottle to cope with my centuries-old decision to be a caregiver for a woman who'll never let me escape the friendzone?</p><p>(laughs dryly)</p><p>LIA MCHUGH</p><p>Uh, you doing okay down here, buddy? Is Angie still cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?</p><p>DON LEE</p><p>Apparently I've been busy making beer out of my own spit, so I guess at least one of us is.</p><p>ANGELINA JOLIE</p><p>(staring into the middle distance)</p><p>Sadly I still suffer from the Mind Wedgie. On the plus side, I feel confident that my condition is well controlled and won't get anyone I care about killed. Well, not directly.</p><p>DON LEE</p><p>Hm?</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>(interrupting)</p><p>Listen up Don, I can't get Salma's orb thing to work, the one that lets me listen to the Big Boi Celestial. Oh if only I could listen to its guidance! Any ideas?</p><p>DON LEE</p><p>Have you tried...listening?</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>You're a genius!</p><p>(listens)</p><p>GEMMA activates the CELESTIAL ZOOM! The connection is definitely still spotty, but it'll have to do.</p><p>BIG BOI CELESTIAL</p><p>HEY THERE GEMMA, I GUESS WE'RE FAR ENOUGH INTO THE MOVIE FOR A BIG RUG-PULLING TWIST. SO BASICALLY, Y'ALL ARE LIKE WESTWORLD ROBOTS, BUT THE HBO VERSION NOT THE OLD MOVIE VERSION.</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>Our homeworld is a lie? Did you create the Deviants, too?</p><p>BIG BOI CELESTIAL</p><p>YEAH ON EACH WORLD WE PICK A FUZZY SQUISHY MAMMAL AND SEND DEVIANTS TO KILL THEIR PREDATORS. BUT THEN DEVIANTS EVENTUALLY EVOLVE TO KILL THE MAMMALS. THIS HAS BACKFIRED EVERY TIME FOR A BILLION YEARS — WHEN WILL WE FUCKING LEARN, AMIRITE?</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>So you have us kill the Deviants, and advance the squishy civilization until-</p><p>BIG BOI CELESTIAL</p><p>ONCE THERE ARE ENOUGH PEOPLE THEIR ENERGY RELEASES THE CELESTIAL HIDDEN INSIDE THE PLANET, CRACKING IT OPEN LIKE A BIG KINDER SURPRISE. THIS IS THE EMERGENCE, THOUGH THE REAL VERSION WILL GO MUCH SLOWER THAN THIS ILLUSTRATION I'M SHOWING YOU NOW — PLENTY OF TIME FOR HEROICS TO INTERRUPT THE NATURAL ORDER OF THINGS.</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>There's a giant-ass Celestial inside the Earth? How has nobody noticed this?</p><p>BIG BOI CELESTIAL</p><p>BECAUSE SHUT UP THAT'S HOW. ANYWAY ONCE THE NEW CELESTIAL EMERGES, THEY WILL CREATE TONS OF NEW WORLDS FULL OF NEW LIFE SO IT'S TOTES WORTH IT, AT LEAST FOR THE WORLDS WE DON'T LATER DESTROY TO MAKE NEW CELESTIALS BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.</p><p>GEMMA ends the call and tells the others the HORRIBLE NEWS!</p><p>DON LEE</p><p>Damn, maybe I shouldn't have told you to listen after all...</p><p>(brightens up)</p><p>Well I think we should save Earth, it's pretty cool. And I really wanna see how The Expanse ends, so we need to delay things another few months at least.</p><p>LIA MCHUGH</p><p>But none of our powers mean squat against a new Celestial!</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>Mentally overpowering a giant nebulous foe totally worked for Tom and Sophia a few months ago. Safe to assume for some reason it'll work for us, too.</p><p>(pauses, remembers)</p><p>We need Barry.</p><p>RICHARD MADDEN</p><p>Who?</p><p>KUMAIL NANJIANI</p><p>Oh right, that guy.</p><p> </p><p>EXT. AMAZONIAN CULT</p><p>The ever-expanding entourage makes their way to the AMAZON to find BARRY and exploit him for his mind control powers. Upon arriving, they discover that BARRY, to no one's surprise, has mind-controlled a bunch of folks and TAKEN AN ENTIRE TOWN HOSTAGE!</p><p>ELIZABETH OLSEN</p><p>Suureeeee, when I do it it's "morally wrong", but when Barry controls everyone, it's considered strangely sexy.</p><p>BARRY KEOGHAN</p><p>(startlingly Irish)</p><p>Can't believe I get to use my real accent for once. Also I hate all of you and I couldn't care less about your shite plan. Please screw off.</p><p>While in the midst of waiting for BARRY to come around, another horrendously-lit DEVIANT fight sequence breaks out!</p><p>LIA MCHUGH</p><p>Pretty sure Don just got killed by the same Deviant that offed Salma, but honestly it's so dark that it could have been anyone.</p><p>The DEVIANT evolves to gain the power of DAN STEVENS IMPERSONATION.</p><p>DAN STEVENS</p><p>I TOLD you guys I wasn't in this movie, but no one believed me! The press just wouldn't let it go.</p><p>ANDREW GARFIELD</p><p>Tell me about it!</p><p>MARVEL FANS</p><p>You're not fooling anyone, Andrew.</p><p>ANGELINA JOLIE</p><p>Umm, can we get back on track? Spider-Man doesn't come out for another six weeks, and I'm trying to grieve Don over here.</p><p>BARRY KEOGHAN</p><p>(shrugs apathetically)</p><p>People suck, Angie. This shouldn't be news to you after 7000 years.</p><p>In another part of the forest, RICHARD battles in a tight t-shirt and GEMMA levels up.</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>Oh wow, I somehow transmuted the Deviant into wood! I guess I CAN affect sentient beings after all, all by myself!</p><p>RICHARD MADDEN</p><p>Don't you mean, you can only do that if you're connected to everyone else plus a Celestial in an incredibly rare situation?</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>No, I just did it without-</p><p>(checks the last few pages of the script)</p><p>Oh right, what you said.</p><p>KUMAIL NANJIANI</p><p>Anyway, we now need Brian and Lauren because the big finale clearly can't happen until we've visited everyone.</p><p>EXT. FLASHBACK - HIROSHIMA (NOT A TIME FOR JOKES)</p><p>BRIAN TYREE HENRY is rightfully devastated at the WWII aftermath of his technological advancements, and even more rightfully finished with the idea of ever helping shitty humans again, a sentiment a lot of folks can relate to these days.</p><p>EXT. CHICAGO? THAT'S IT? OKAY... - PRESENT DAY</p><p>After several decades, BRIAN TYREE HENRY has recovered from his justifiably nihilistic worldview and moved on to become the most stable family man in the entire MCU, which is where GEMMA and RICHARD find him.</p><p>BRIAN TYREE HENRY</p><p>My off-screen romance with the lovely Haaz Sleiman is the only thing that saved me from the knowledge that you guys totally abandoned me for most of this movie's runtime.</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>Brian, didn't you hear? This is Marvel's "mature" movie.</p><p>BRIAN TYREE HENRY</p><p>Wait you mean I actually get to unambiguously interact with my same-sex life partner onscreen?</p><p>DISNEY CEO BOB CHAPEK</p><p>Buddy, you even get to kiss each other — and right smack in the centre of the screen, too, so it'll be extra hard for us to cut it out of footage for objecting countries.</p><p>BRIAN TYREE HENRY</p><p>Wow really? That's uncharacteristically big of you.</p><p>DISNEY CEO BOB CHAPEK</p><p>Eh, those countries aren't even a drop in the bucket for our global box office haul.</p><p>BRIAN TYREE HENRY</p><p>Aaannnddd there it is.</p><p>EXT. IRAQ ARCHAEOLOGICAL SITE</p><p>BARRY manipulates innocent archaeologists to abandon their work so that he can flirt with his girlfriend LAUREN in the privacy of the ETERNALS' GIANT SPACESHIP, where she's lived underground for centuries waiting for those last few KICKSTARTER GAMES to finally arrive.</p><p>LAUREN RIDLOFF</p><p>(signing)</p><p>Hey guys! Finally! I've been waiting to announce that I'm gonna be the only speedster to survive their first MCU appearance.</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>Lauren, quick catch-up time. Salma & Don are done like dinner, our boss totally lied to us (what else is new?), and the world is gonna end in like 12 hours or so.</p><p>LAUREN RIDLOFF</p><p>(signing)</p><p>Shouldn't y'all have just come to me first? I'm already in the home base and could have recruited everyone else in like 12 seconds flat.</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>...We don't have time for your good ideas! Can you find the point of emergen-</p><p>LAUREN RIDLOFF</p><p>(signing)</p><p>It's an island volcano in the Indian Ocean, which is sure to delight all the "extinction volcano" conspiracy theorists in the audience. Anything else you need me to solve instantly?</p><p>BRIAN TYREE HENRY</p><p>I'm beginning to see why the speedsters usually get killed off.</p><p>EXT. FLASHBACK - SOUTH DAKOTA, SIX DAYS AGO</p><p>RICHARD and a still-breathing SALMA reenact their conversation from the trailer.</p><p>SALMA HAYEK</p><p>Humanity is wonderful and worth saving, even though we've hardly shown any evidence to actually support this claim. So I've changed my mind about killing everyone.</p><p>RICHARD MADDEN</p><p>How dare you defy Big Boi Celestial, Salma?! Blind obedience to a higher authority has NEVER proven problematic in ANY of the thousands of years of history we've personally witnessed.</p><p>AUDIENCE</p><p>Uhh...</p><p>SALMA HAYEK</p><p>Also Richard, you've never been my favorite. It's high time you knew the truth.</p><p>RICHARD, the jealous bitch that he is, flies them to ALASKA and then immediately tosses SALMA to the wolves I mean WOLF-SHAPED DEVIANTS.</p><p>SALMA HAYEK</p><p>They were under... the ice! How did we not realize-</p><p>(dies)</p><p>INT. THE ETERNALSMOBILE - PRESENT DAY</p><p>RICHARD has been silent for most of this act, but now it's his turn to SPEAK UP.</p><p>RICHARD MADDEN</p><p>There's enough of us that I figured we could kill off a few and still have room leftover for me to become a villain. Btw, y'all can consider yourselves dead if you don't agree with Big Boi Celestial's original plan that you were kept in the dark about until yesterday but that I've had thousands of years to come to terms with.</p><p>BARRY KEOGHAN</p><p>Wow, an 11th-hour villain twist. Shocker.</p><p>(yawns)</p><p>I gotta say, everyone thought it'd be me, based on the trailers and the source material and my overall broody persona.</p><p>LIA MCHUGH</p><p>Richard, I'm coming with you. And no, it's not exceptionally weird that I've been pining for you for millennia.</p><p>Rather than make quick work of killing everyone right then and there, RICHARD and LIA peace out to go to the POINT OF EMERGENCE, presumably to set the stage for a more flashy third-act finale.</p><p>KUMAIL NANJIANI</p><p>I just wanna say that I called that. Also I happen to think Richard is right, but I can't bring myself to fight any of you. Therefore, I'm just gonna hang back and then provide comic relief to whoever wins, cool?</p><p>EXT. ISLAND VOLCANO SOON TO BE THE SITE OF THE BIGGEST ISLAND DISASTER SINCE FYRE FESTIVAL</p><p>RICHARD MADDEN</p><p>You don't stand a chance against the combined power of me and Lia! Granted, most of that is my power, but still — you're all screwed! HAHAHAHA</p><p>RICHARD is clearly a tactician, though, because he immediately takes out BARRY, the linchpin of their whole plan, instead of faffing around with everyone else as most MCU fights would do. But then!</p><p>LAUREN RIDLOFF</p><p>(pummels Richard with 5000 blows in 5 seconds)</p><p>BRIAN TYREE HENRY</p><p>Oh hey look I brought my defeat-Richard machine.</p><p>(defeats Richard)</p><p>RICHARD MADDEN</p><p>(trapped)</p><p>I may have been a tad overconfident.</p><p>Meanwhile ANGELINA faces off against BILL SKARSGARD, aka NOT DAN STEVENS, who's back for no comprehensible reason!</p><p>BILL SKARSGARD</p><p>You can't defeat me, Angie, especially when you're still afflicted with the Marscapone. Soon I shall have your powers as well, and maybe evolve the ability to understand NFTs because seriously what is UP with that nonsense-</p><p>ANGELINA JOLIE</p><p>(snapping out of trance)</p><p>C'MON DUDE IT'S SUCH AN OBVIOUS SCAM</p><p>(slices up SKARSGARD)</p><p>Meanwhile over on the HATCHLING CELESTIAL'S volcano shell, GEMMA makes her way towards the emergence point.</p><p>SALMA HAYEK</p><p>Stop, Gemma!</p><p>(to herself)</p><p>Hey cool, between flashbacks and illusions, turns out I can still be in quite a bit of this movie.</p><p>Sure enough, it's just a TRICK, enabling LIA to distract GEMMA enough to literally STAB HER IN THE BACK!</p><p>LIA MCHUGH</p><p>Sorry to go full Loki on you — it's all I could think of.</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>That's okay, you gave me one of those special MCU torso wounds that's both super dramatic but also totally ignorable.</p><p>(turns blade to water, sprints towards Celestial)</p><p>GEMMA gets into position just as RICHARD breaks free from BRIAN and confronts her!</p><p>RICHARD MADDEN</p><p>Damn, I can't hurt you Gemma. I guess I'll join forces with you after all, and perhaps with all our essences combined you can pull this off!</p><p>KUMAIL NANJIANI</p><p>(running up bar tab on the mainland)</p><p>Well I still think Earth should die, so whatevs.</p><p>(slurps his mocktail)</p><p>Everyone links hands to grab the POWER STONE just kidding FORM A UNI-MIND, giving GEMMA the power to turn the new CELESTIAL into STONE, YAAAY!!! EARTH IS SAVED!</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>Plus, I conveniently have JUUUUST enough residual energy thingie stuff to turn Lia into a regular human character, which we should probably do since you're going to age in real life anyway, right?</p><p>Meanwhile RICHARD, consumed with regret, YEETS HIMSELF INTO THE SUN just to provide one last example of SOMETHING STUPID KIT HARINGTON CAN'T DO.</p><p>RICHARD MADDEN</p><p>(burning up)</p><p>Ah how poetic, to perish in a fashion similar to the human myth I inspired. Which now that I think of it, I'm sure glad Icarus didn't die from gorging on ice cream or crushed by a falling piano or autoerotic asphyxiation or whatever because this would be FAR less poignant</p><p>(dead)</p><p>EXT. VARIOUS EARTH LOCATIONS</p><p>GEMMA, KUMAIL, BRIAN, and LIA return to their normal lives, with a new perspective on their daily struggles and-</p><p>BIG BOI CELESTIAL</p><p>UM EXCUSE ME ARE YOU SERIOUS, DID YOU SERIOUSLY NOT THINK I'D BE PRETTY PISSED ABOUT ALL THIS?!</p><p>GEMMA CHAN</p><p>I suppose this is something we should have prepared foOOOORRRR</p><p>(whisked into space!)</p><p>BIG BOI CELESTIAL</p><p>(grabbing Gemma, Kumail, and Brian)</p><p>YOU SHALL COME WITH ME AND I SHALL JUDGE WHETHER YOU SHALL SURVIVE. THE JUDGING PROCESS WILL TAKE THREE TO FOUR YEARS AND SHALL CONSIDER SUCH DELICATE MORAL QUESTIONS AS COMBINED BOX OFFICE GROSS AND STREAMING NUMBERS</p><p>(vanishes!)</p><p>RANDOM BYSTANDER</p><p>Oh no! Only someone with a deep personal connection to Arthurian legend could possibly solve THIS dilemma!</p><p>(looks around wildly)</p><p>KIT HARINGTON</p><p>Hmmm.</p><p>EXT. MID-CREDITS SCENE</p><p>As the REMAINING ETERNALS set to work creating a reason to NOT APPEAR IN OTHER CURRENT MCU PROJECTS, the screen cuts to a close-up of a tweet from a soon-to-be-fired Variety reporter.</p><p>MATT DONNELLY'S TWITTER ACCOUNT</p><p>(stuck on caps lock)</p><p>HEY GUYS CHECK IT OUT HARRY STYLES IS ACTING AGAIN! EVERYONE FOLLOW ME THIS IS TOTALLY THE BIGGEST SCOOP EVER!</p><p>MARVEL FANS ON TWITTER</p><p>Douche.</p><p>HARRY STYLES</p><p>Yeah mate, not cool.</p><p>EXT. POST-CREDITS SCENE</p><p>KIT HARINGTON wakes up from his 2.5 hour nap in a laundromat to go and dramatically open a SWORD-SHAPED BOX in some swanky office somewhere.</p><p>KIT HARINGTON</p><p>Did everyone know that I have a super secret and convoluted family history? Kevin Feige, are you listening? Sounds like perfect fodder for a Disney+ series, methinks.</p><p>(apprehensively reaches for the EBONY BLADE like a total wimp)</p><p>MAHERSHALA ALI (O.S.)</p><p>Have fun overanalyzing my one spoken line of dialogue here, nerds.</p><p>END</p>
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