the impulse of self-preservation

[soso]

It is true that when a pessimist’s life is threatened 

he behaves like other men; 

his impulse to preserve life is stronger than his judgement //that life is not worth preserving. 

But how does this prove that the judgement was insincere or even erroneous?

 [A man’s judgement //that whisky is bad for him] is not invalidated by the fact //that when the bottle is at his hands

he finds desire stronger than reason and succumbs. 

Having once tasted life, we are subjected to the impulse of self-preservation.

 Life, in other words, is as habit-forming as cocaine. 

What then?

 If I still held creation to be ‘a great injustice’ I should hold that this impulse to retain life aggravates the injustice.

 If it is bad to be forced to drink the potion, how does it mend matters //that the potion turns out to be an addiction drug? Pessimism cannot be answered so. 

Thinking as I then thought about the universe, I was reasonable in condemning it. 

At the same time I now see that my view was closely connected with a certain lopsidedness of temperament.

 I had always been more violent /in my negative than in my positive demands.

From Surprised by Joy

Surprised by Joy: The Shape of My Early Life. Copyright © 1955 by C. S. Lewis Pte. Ltd. All rights reserved. Used with permission of HarperCollins Publishers.