PART 4 // chapter 3-1

[모나리자]

사실 그는 마지막 순간까지 그런 결말을 예상하지 못했다. 그는 극도로 오만했고, 가난하고 무방비 상태인 두 여자가 자신의 통제에서 벗어날 수 있을 것이라고는 꿈에도 생각지 못했다. 이런 확신은 그의 허영심과 자만심, 어리석은 지경에 이르는 자만심으로 강화되었다. 하찮은 신분에서 벗어난 표트르 페트로비치는 병적으로 자만심이 강했고, 자신의 지성과 능력에 대해 가장 높은 평가를 내렸으며, 때로는 유리창에 비친 자신의 모습을 홀로 자랑하기도 했다.

하지만 그가 무엇보다도 사랑하고 소중히 여긴 것은 자신의 노동과 온갖 수완으로 모은 돈이었다. 그 돈 덕분에 그는 자신보다 우월했던 모든 사람과 동등해졌다. 그가 두니아에게 악한 소문에도 불구하고 그녀를 데려가기로 결정했다고 씁쓸하게 상기시켰을 때, 표트르 페트로비치는 완벽한 진심을 담아 말했고

실제로 그런 "검은 배은망덕"에 진심으로 분노했다. 하지만 그가 두니아에게 제안을 했을 때, 그는 모든 소문이 근거가 없다는 것을 충분히 알고 있었습니다.

그 이야기는 마르파 페트로브나가 모든 곳에서 반박했고, 그때까지 두니아를 옹호하는 모든 마을 사람들은 믿지 않았습니다. 그리고 그는 그 당시에 그 모든 것을 알고 있다는 것을 부인하지 않았을 것입니다. 하지만 그는 여전히 두니아를 자신의 수준으로 끌어올린 자신의 결의를 높이 평가했고 그것을 영웅적인 일로 여겼습니다. 두니아에게 그것에 대해 말하면서 그는 자신이 소중히 여기고 존경하는 비밀스러운 감정을 토로했고, 다른 사람들도 그것을 존경하지 않는다는 것을 이해할 수 없었습니다. 그는 선행의 열매를 거두려는 후원자의 감정으로 라스콜니코프를 불렀고, 기분 좋은 아첨을 들었습니다. 그리고 지금 아래층으로 내려가면서 그는 자신이 가장 부당하게 상처를 입고 인정받지 못했다고 생각했습니다.

두니아는 그에게 단순히 필수적이었습니다. 그녀 없이는 생각할 수 없었습니다. 그는 수년 동안 결혼에 대한 풍만한 꿈을 꾸었지만, 그는 계속 기다리며 돈을 모았습니다. 그는 깊은 비밀 속에서 한 소녀의 이미지를 맛있게 생각하며, 고결하고, 가난하고(그녀는 가난할 수밖에 없고), 매우 젊고, 매우 예쁘고, 좋은 가문과 교육을 받았고, 매우 소심하고, 많은 고통을 겪었지만, 그 앞에서 완전히 겸손한, 평생 그를 구세주로 바라보고, 그를 숭배하고, 그를 존경하고 오직 그에게만 존경하는 소녀의 이미지를 생각했습니다. 그의 일이 끝났을 때, 그는 이 매혹적이고 장난기 있는 주제에 대해 얼마나 많은 장면, 얼마나 많은 애정 어린 에피소드를 상상했을까요! 그리고 보세요, 수년 동안의 꿈이 거의 실현되었습니다. 아브도티아 로마노브나의 아름다움과 교육이 그에게 깊은 인상을 남겼습니다.

그녀의 무력한 위치는 큰 유혹이었습니다. 그는 그녀에게서 자신이 꿈꿨던 것 이상을 발견했습니다. 여기에는 자존심, 품성, 덕성, 교육과 교양을 갖춘 소녀가 자신의 것보다 우월했습니다(그는 그렇게 느꼈습니다). 이 소녀는 평생 그의 영웅적인 겸손에 노예처럼 감사할 것이고, 그의 앞에서 먼지 속에 몸을 낮추고, 그는 그녀에게 절대적이고 무한한 권력을 행사할 것입니다!... 얼마 전, 그는 오랜 숙고와 주저 끝에 자신의 경력에 ​​중요한 변화를 가져왔고, 이제 더 넓은 사업 영역에 진입하고 있었습니다.

이 변화로 더 높은 계층으로 올라가려는 그의 소중한 꿈이 실현될 가능성이 있는 듯했습니다.... 사실 그는 피터스버그에서 자신의 행운을 시험해보기로 결심했습니다.

그는 여성이 매우 큰 일을 할 수 있다는 것을 알고 있었습니다. 매력적이고 덕성이 높고 교육 수준이 높은 여성에 대한 매혹은 그의 길을 더 쉽게 만들어 줄 수 있고, 사람들을 끌어들이는 데 놀라운 효과를 발휘할 수 있으며, 그의 주변에 후광을 비추고, 이제 모든 것이 파괴되었습니다! 이 갑작스럽고 끔찍한 단절은 그에게 천둥 소리와 같은 영향을 미쳤습니다. 그것은 끔찍한 농담, 부조리와 같았습니다. 그는 단지 약간만 능숙했고, 말할 시간조차 없었고, 그저 농담을 했고, 흥분했을 뿐이었고—그리고 그것은 너무나 심각하게 끝났습니다.

그리고 물론, 그는 자신의 방식으로 두니아를 사랑했습니다. 그는 이미 꿈에서 그녀를 소유했습니다—그리고 한꺼번에!아니요!다음 날, 바로 그 다음 날, 모든 것이 바로잡히고, 매끄럽게 다듬어지고, 정착되어야 합니다. 무엇보다도 그는 모든 것의 원인인 그 허영심 많은 우유 똥을 짓밟아야 합니다. 그는 아픈 기분으로 라주미힌도 떠올리지 않을 수 없었지만, 그는 곧 그 점에 대해 자신을 안심시켰습니다. 마치 그런 사람이 자신과 같은 수준에 있을 수 있는 것처럼! 그가 정말로 진지하게 두려워했던 사람은 스비드리가일로프였습니다.... 간단히 말해서, 그는 처리해야 할 일이 많았습니다....

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 5,637 p

CHAPTER III

The fact was that up to the last moment he had never expected such an ending; he had been overbearing to the last degree, never dreaming that two destitute and defenceless women could escape from his control. This conviction was strengthened by his vanity and conceit, a conceit to the point of fatuity. Pyotr Petrovitch, who had made his way up from insignificance, was morbidly given to self-admiration, had the highest opinion of his intelligence and capacities, and sometimes even gloated in solitude over his image in the glass.

But what he loved and valued above all was the money he had amassed by his labour, and by all sorts of devices: that money made him the equal of all who had been his superiors. When he had bitterly reminded Dounia that he had decided to take her in spite of evil report, Pyotr Petrovitch had spoken with perfect sincerity and

had, indeed, felt genuinely indignant at such “black ingratitude.” And yet, when he made Dounia his offer, he was fully aware of the groundlessness of all the gossip.

The story had been everywhere contradicted by Marfa Petrovna, and was by then disbelieved by all the townspeople, who were warm in Dounia’a defence. And he would not have denied that he knew all that at the time. Yet he still thought highly of his own resolution in lifting Dounia to his level and regarded it as something heroic. In speaking of it to Dounia, he had let out the secret feeling he cherished and admired, and he could not understand that others should fail to admire it too. He had called on Raskolnikov with the feelings of a benefactor who is about to reap the fruits of his good deeds and to hear agreeable flattery. And as he went downstairs now, he considered himself most undeservedly injured and unrecognised.

Dounia was simply essential to him; to do without her was unthinkable. For many years he had had voluptuous dreams of marriage, but he had gone on waiting and amassing money. He brooded with relish, in profound secret, over the image of a girl—virtuous, poor (she must be poor), very young, very pretty, of good birth and education, very timid, one who had suffered much, and was completely humbled before him, one who would all her life look on him as her saviour, worship him, admire him and only him. How many scenes, how many amorous episodes he had imagined on this seductive and playful theme, when his work was over! And, behold, the dream of so many years was all but realised; the beauty and education of Avdotya Romanovna had impressed him;

her helpless position had been a great allurement; in her he had found even more than he dreamed of. Here was a girl of pride, character, virtue, of education and breeding superior to his own (he felt that), and this creature would be slavishly grateful all her life for his heroic condescension, and would humble herself in the dust before him, and he would have absolute, unbounded power over her!... Not long before, he had, too, after long reflection and hesitation, made an important change in his career and was now entering on a wider circle of business.

With this change his cherished dreams of rising into a higher class of society seemed likely to be realised.... He was, in fact, determined to try his fortune in Petersburg.

He knew that women could do a very great deal. The fascination of a charming, virtuous, highly educated woman might make his way easier, might do wonders in attracting people to him, throwing an aureole round him, and now everything was in ruins! This sudden horrible rupture affected him like a clap of thunder; it was like a hideous joke, an absurdity. He had only been a tiny bit masterful, had not even time to speak out, had simply made a joke, been carried away—and it had ended so seriously.

And, of course, too, he did love Dounia in his own way; he already possessed her in his dreams—and all at once! No! The next day, the very next day, it must all be set right, smoothed over, settled. Above all he must crush that conceited milksop who was the cause of it all. With a sick feeling he could not help recalling Razumihin too, but, he soon reassured himself on that score; as though a fellow like that could be put on a level with him! The man he really dreaded in earnest was Svidrigaïlov.... He had, in short, a great deal to attend to....