we will not turn to Him as long as He leaves us anything else to turn to

TO MARY WILLIS SHELBURNE: On the hard task of learning to depend only on God and on nothing and no one else. 6 December 1955 I was most distressed by the news in your letter of Dec. 2nd. . . And I can’t help you, because under the modern laws I’m not allowed to send money to America. (What a barbarous system we live under. I knew a man who had to risk prison in order to smuggle a little money to his own sister, widowed in the U.S.A.)  By the way, we mustn’t be too sure () there was any irony about your just having refused that other job.There may have been a snag about it //which God knew and you didn’t. I feel () it almost impossible to say anything(in my comfort and security—apparent security, for real security is in Heaven and thus earth affords only imitations)//which would not sound horribly false and facile.Also, you know it all better /than I do.  I should in your place be (I have in similar places been) far more panic-stricken and even perhaps rebellious.  For it is a dreadful truth that the state of (as you say) ‘having to depend solely on God’ is [what we all dread most].  And of course that just shows [how very much, how almost exclusively, we have been depending on things]. That trouble goes so far back in our lives and is now so deeply ingrained, we will not turn /to Him /as long as He leaves us [anything else /to turn to].  I suppose () [all () one can say] is that it was bound to come.In the hour of death and the day of judgement, what else shall we have?  Perhaps when those moments come, they will feel happiest //who have been forced (however unwillingly) to begin practising it here on earth.It is good of Him to force us: but dear me, how hard to feel that it is good at the time.... All’s well—I’m half ashamed () it should be—with me.God bless and keep you.You shall be constantly in my prayers /by day and night. From The Collected Letters of C.S. Lewis, Volume III Compiled in Yours, Jack