PART 4 // chapter 4-3

[모나리자]

그리고 소냐는 무의식적으로 그의 두 손을 꽉 쥐며, 그러지 말라고 간청하듯 말했다. "하지만 그녀가 죽는 게 낫겠어요." "아니, 더 낫지 않아요, 전혀 낫지 않아요!" 소냐는 무의식적으로 당황하며 반복했다. "그리고 아이들은요? 아이들을 데려가서 같이 사는 것 말고는 뭘 할 수 있어요?" "아, 모르겠어요." 소냐가 거의 절망에 빠져 소리치며 손을 머리에 얹었다. 그 생각이 그녀에게 전에도 자주 떠올랐고, 그는 다시 한 번 떠올렸을 뿐이라는 게 분명했다.

"그리고, 카테리나 이바노브나가 살아있는 지금도 당신이 병에 걸려 병원에 실려가면, 그때는 어떻게 될까요?" 그는 무자비하게 계속 말했다. "어떻게 그럴 수 있어요? 그럴 리가 없어요!" 그리고 소냐의 얼굴에 끔찍한 공포가 스쳤다. "그럴 리가 없어요?" 라스콜니코프가 거친 미소를 지으며 말을 이었다. "당신은 그런 일이 없을 거라고 생각하세요? 그러면 아이들은 어떻게 될까요? 그들은 모두 거리에 있을 거야, 그녀는 오늘처럼 기침을 하고 애원하고 벽에 머리를 부딪힐 거야, 그리고 아이들은 울 거야... 그러면 그녀는 쓰러져서 경찰서와 병원으로 끌려가서 죽을 거야, 그리고 아이들은..." "아니... 신이 허락하지 않을 거야!" 마침내 소냐의 무거운 짐에 짓눌린 가슴에서 터져나왔다.

그녀는 그를 애원하듯 바라보며, 마치 모든 것이 그에게 달려 있는 것처럼 멍청하게 간청하듯 손을 꽉 쥐고 귀를 기울였다. 라스콜니코프는 일어나 방 안을 걷기 시작했다. 1분이 지났다. 소냐는 끔찍한 낙담에 손과 머리를 숙인 채 서 있었다. "그리고 당신은 저축할 수 없나요? 비오는 날을 위해 비축해 놓을 수 있나요?" 그는 갑자기 그녀 앞에서 멈추며 물었다. "아니요." 소냐가 속삭였다. "물론 아니죠. 시도해 보셨어요?" 그는 거의 비꼬는 듯이 덧붙였다. "네." "그리고 그것은 벗겨지지 않았어요! 물론 아니죠! 물어볼 필요 없어요." 그리고 그는 다시 방 안을 왔다 갔다 했다. 또 1분이 지났습니다.

"매일 돈을 받는 건 아니지?" 소냐는 그 어느 때보다 더 혼란스러웠고 얼굴에 다시 혈색이 돌았습니다. "아니요." 그녀는 고통스러운 노력으로 속삭였습니다. "폴렌카도 마찬가지일 거야, 틀림없어." 그는 갑자기 말했습니다. "아니요, 아니요! 그럴 리가 없어요, 아니요!" 소냐는 마치 칼에 찔린 것처럼 절박하게 큰 소리로 외쳤습니다. "신께서 그렇게 끔찍한 일은 허락하지 않으실 거야!" "그분은 다른 사람들이 오게 두시잖아." "아니요, 아니요! 신께서 그녀를 보호하실 거야, 신!" 그녀는 제정신이 아니게 되뇌었습니다. "하지만 신은 아예 없을지도 몰라." 라스콜니코프가 일종의 악의로 대답하고 웃으며 그녀를 바라보았습니다. 소냐의 얼굴이 갑자기 바뀌었습니다. 얼굴에 떨림이 스쳐 지나갔습니다. 그녀는 형언할 수 없는 비난으로 그를 바라보며 무언가를 말하려고 했지만 말을 할 수 없었고 쓰디쓴, 쓰디쓴 흐느낌을 터트리며 손으로 얼굴을 가렸습니다.

"카테리나 이바노브나의 정신이 흔들렸다고 하셨잖아요. 당신 자신의 정신도 흔들렸다고요." 그는 잠시 침묵한 후 말했습니다. 5분이 지났습니다. 그는 여전히 그녀를 보지 않고 침묵 속에 방 안을 왔다 갔다 했습니다. 마침내 그는 그녀에게 다가갔습니다. 그의 눈은 반짝였습니다. 그는 두 손을 그녀의 어깨에 얹고 눈물 어린 얼굴을 똑바로 바라보았습니다. 그의 눈은 딱딱하고, 열이 오르고, 날카로웠고, 입술이 꿈틀거렸습니다. 그는 갑자기 몸을 빨리 숙여 바닥에 쓰러지고 그녀의 발에 키스했습니다. 소냐는 미친 사람처럼 그에게서 물러섰습니다. 그리고 그는 확실히 미친 사람처럼 보였습니다. "당신은 나에게 뭘 하는 거야?" 그녀는 창백해지며 중얼거렸고, 갑자기 괴로움이 그녀의 가슴을 움켜쥐었습니다.

그는 즉시 일어섰습니다. "나는 당신에게 절을 한 것이 아니라, 인류의 모든 고통에 절을 한 거야." 그는 거칠게 말하고 창문으로 걸어갔습니다. "들어보세요." 그는 덧붙여 말했고, 1분 후 그녀에게 돌아섰습니다. "방금 무례한 남자에게 그가 당신의 작은 손가락만한 가치가 없다고 말했어요... 그리고 나는 내 여동생을 당신 옆에 앉히는 것을 영광으로 여겼어요." "아, 당신이 그들에게 그렇게 말했어요! 그리고 그녀 앞에서요?" 소냐가 겁먹은 채로 소리쳤다. "나와 함께 앉으세요! 영광입니다! 왜, 저는... 불명예스럽습니다... 아, 왜 그런 말을 했습니까?" "당신의 불명예와 죄 때문에 그렇게 말한 것이 아니라, 당신의 엄청난 고통 때문에 그렇게 말했습니다. 하지만 당신은 큰 죄인입니다." 그는 거의 엄숙하게 덧붙였다. "그리고 당신의 최악의 죄는 당신이 아무것도 얻지 못하고 스스로를 파괴하고 배신했다는 것입니다.

그게 두렵지 않습니까? 당신이 그렇게 싫어하는 이 더러움 속에서 살고 있다는 것이 두렵지 않습니까? 동시에 당신 자신(당신은 눈을 뜨기만 하면 됩니다)이 그것으로 아무에게도 도움이 되지 않고, 아무에게서도 구하지 못한다는 것을 알고 있습니까? 말해 보세요." 그는 거의 광란적으로 말을 이었다. "이런 수치심과 굴욕이 어떻게 다른, 반대되는, 거룩한 감정과 나란히 당신 안에 존재할 수 있습니까? 물속으로 뛰어들어 모든 것을 끝내는 것이 더 낫고, 천 배나 더 낫고 더 현명할 것입니다!" "하지만 그들은 어떻게 될까요?" 소냐는 그를 고통스러운 눈으로 바라보며 희미하게 물었지만, 그의 제안에 놀란 것 같지는 않았다.

라스콜니코프는 그녀를 이상하게 바라보았다. 그는 그녀의 얼굴에서 모든 것을 읽었다. 그래서 그녀는 이미 그런 생각을 했을 것이다. 아마도 여러 번이나. 그리고 그녀는 절망 속에서 그것을 어떻게 끝낼지 진지하게 생각해냈고, 너무나 진지하게, 지금은 그의 제안에 거의 놀라지 않았다. 그녀는 그의 말의 잔인함조차 알아차리지 못했다. (물론 그녀는 그의 비난의 의미와 그녀의 수치심에 대한 그의 독특한 태도도 알아차리지 못했고, 그것도 그에게 분명했다.) 하지만 그는 얼마나 괴상하게
geuligo sonyaneun muuisigjeog-eulo geuui du son-eul kkwag jwimyeo, geuleoji mallago

And Sonia unconsciously clutched both his hands, as though imploring that she should not. “But it will be better if she does die.” “No, not better, not at all better!” Sonia unconsciously repeated in dismay. “And the children? What can you do except take them to live with you?” “Oh, I don’t know,” cried Sonia, almost in despair, and she put her hands to her head. It was evident that that idea had very often occurred to her before and he had only roused it again.

“And, what, if even now, while Katerina Ivanovna is alive, you get ill and are taken to the hospital, what will happen then?” he persisted pitilessly. “How can you? That cannot be!” And Sonia’s face worked with awful terror. “Cannot be?” Raskolnikov went on with a harsh smile. “You are not insured against it, are you? What will happen to them then? They will be in the street, all of them, she will cough and beg and knock her head against some wall, as she did to-day, and the children will cry.... Then she will fall down, be taken to the police station and to the hospital, she will die, and the children...” “Oh, no.... God will not let it be!” broke at last from Sonia’s overburdened bosom.

She listened, looking imploringly at him, clasping her hands in dumb entreaty, as though it all depended upon him. Raskolnikov got up and began to walk about the room. A minute passed. Sonia was standing with her hands and her head hanging in terrible dejection. “And can’t you save? Put by for a rainy day?” he asked, stopping suddenly before her. “No,” whispered Sonia. “Of course not. Have you tried?” he added almost ironically. “Yes.” “And it didn’t come off! Of course not! No need to ask.” And again he paced the room. Another minute passed.

“You don’t get money every day?” Sonia was more confused than ever and colour rushed into her face again. “No,” she whispered with a painful effort. “It will be the same with Polenka, no doubt,” he said suddenly. “No, no! It can’t be, no!” Sonia cried aloud in desperation, as though she had been stabbed. “God would not allow anything so awful!” “He lets others come to it.” “No, no! God will protect her, God!” she repeated beside herself. “But, perhaps, there is no God at all,” Raskolnikov answered with a sort of malignance, laughed and looked at her. Sonia’s face suddenly changed; a tremor passed over it. She looked at him with unutterable reproach, tried to say something, but could not speak and broke into bitter, bitter sobs, hiding her face in her hands.

“You say Katerina Ivanovna’s mind is unhinged; your own mind is unhinged,” he said after a brief silence. Five minutes passed. He still paced up and down the room in silence, not looking at her. At last he went up to her; his eyes glittered. He put his two hands on her shoulders and looked straight into her tearful face. His eyes were hard, feverish and piercing, his lips were twitching. All at once he bent down quickly and dropping to the ground, kissed her foot. Sonia drew back from him as from a madman. And certainly he looked like a madman. “What are you doing to me?” she muttered, turning pale, and a sudden anguish clutched at her heart.

He stood up at once. “I did not bow down to you, I bowed down to all the suffering of humanity,” he said wildly and walked away to the window. “Listen,” he added, turning to her a minute later. “I said just now to an insolent man that he was not worth your little finger... and that I did my sister honour making her sit beside you.” “Ach, you said that to them! And in her presence?” cried Sonia, frightened. “Sit down with me! An honour! Why, I’m... dishonourable.... Ah, why did you say that?” “It was not because of your dishonour and your sin I said that of you, but because of your great suffering. But you are a great sinner, that’s true,” he added almost solemnly, “and your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing.

Isn’t that fearful? Isn’t it fearful that you are living in this filth which you loathe so, and at the same time you know yourself (you’ve only to open your eyes) that you are not helping anyone by it, not saving anyone from anything? Tell me,” he went on almost in a frenzy, “how this shame and degradation can exist in you side by side with other, opposite, holy feelings? It would be better, a thousand times better and wiser to leap into the water and end it all!” “But what would become of them?” Sonia asked faintly, gazing at him with eyes of anguish, but not seeming surprised at his suggestion.

Raskolnikov looked strangely at her. He read it all in her face; so she must have had that thought already, perhaps many times, and earnestly she had thought out in her despair how to end it and so earnestly, that now she scarcely wondered at his suggestion. She had not even noticed the cruelty of his words. (The significance of his reproaches and his peculiar attitude to her shame she had, of course, not noticed either, and that, too, was clear to him.) But he saw how monstrously the thought of her disgraceful, shameful position was torturing her and had long tortured her.

“What, what,” he thought, “could hitherto have hindered her from putting an end to it?” Only then he realised what those poor little orphan children and that pitiful half-crazy Katerina Ivanovna, knocking her head against the wall in her consumption, meant for Sonia.