PART 4 // chapter 4-5

[모나리자]

"어디서 가져왔어?" 그는 방 건너편에서 그녀를 불렀다. 그녀는 여전히 같은 자리에 서 있었고, 테이블에서 세 걸음 떨어져 있었다. "내가 가져왔어." 그녀는 마치 마지못해 대답했고, 그를 보지 않았다. "누가 가져왔어?" "리자베타, 내가 그녀에게 달라고 했어." "리자베타! 이상해!" 그는 생각했다. 소니아에 대한 모든 것이 그에게는 더 이상하고 더 경이롭게 보였다. 그는 책을 촛불로 가져가서 페이지를 넘기기 시작했다. "라자로의 이야기는 어디에 있지?" 그는 갑자기 물었다.

소니아는 고집스럽게 바닥을 바라보았고 대답하지 않았다. 그녀는 테이블 옆에 옆으로 서 있었다. "라자로의 부활은 어디에 있지? 찾아줘, 소니아." 그녀는 그를 흘깃 보았다. "당신은 잘못된 곳을 보고 있어.... 네 번째 복음서에 있어." 그녀는 그를 보지 않고 엄하게 속삭였다. "찾아서 읽어줘." 그는 말했다. 그는 팔꿈치를 테이블에 얹고 앉아, 머리를 한 손에 기대고 험악하게 시선을 돌렸고, 들을 준비를 했다.

"3주 후면 정신병원에 환영받을 거야! 더 나쁜 상황이 아니라면 내가 거기에 있을 거야." 그는 중얼거렸다. 소냐는 라스콜니코프의 요청을 의심스럽게 듣고 주저하며 테이블로 다가갔다. 하지만 그녀는 책을 받았다. "읽어보지 않았어?" 그녀가 테이블 너머로 그를 올려다보며 물었다. 그녀의 목소리는 점점 더 엄해졌다. "옛날... 내가 학교에 다닐 때. 읽어!" "그리고 교회에서 듣지 않았어?" "난... 안 갔어. 자주 가?" "아니, 아니야." 소냐가 속삭였다. 라스콜니코프가 미소를 지었다.

"알겠어... 그리고 내일 네 아버지 장례식에 가지 않을 거야?" "그래, 갈게. 나도 지난주에 교회에 갔었어... 레퀴엠 예배를 봤어." "누구한테?" "리자베타한테. 그녀는 도끼로 죽었어요." 그의 신경은 점점 더 긴장되었습니다. 그의 머리가 돌기 시작했습니다. "당신은 리자베타와 친구였나요?" "네... 그녀는 착했어요... 그녀는 자주 오지는 않았지만... 그녀는 오지 못했어요... 우리는 함께 책을 읽고... 이야기를 나누곤 했어요. 그녀는 신을 볼 거예요." 마지막 문구가 그의 귀에 이상하게 들렸습니다.

그리고 여기 또 새로운 것이 있었습니다. 리자베타와 그 둘과의 신비한 만남, 그리고 종교적 광신도들. "나도 곧 종교적 광신도가 될 거야! 전염성이 있거든!" "읽어!" 그는 짜증이 나고 단호하게 외쳤습니다. 소냐는 여전히 주저했습니다. 그녀의 심장은 쿵쾅거렸습니다. 그녀는 감히 그에게 책을 읽어줄 수 없었습니다. 그는 "불행한 광인"을 거의 짜증스럽게 바라보았습니다.

"왜? 믿지 않아?..." 그녀는 부드럽게 속삭였고 숨이 막힐 듯했습니다. "읽어! 읽어줘." 그는 계속 말했습니다. "당신은 리자베타에게 책을 읽어주곤 했지."

소냐는 책을 펴서 그 장소를 찾았습니다. 그녀의 손은 떨리고, 그녀의 목소리는 그녀를 속였습니다. 그녀는 두 번이나 시작하려고 했지만 첫 음절도 말할 수 없었습니다. "베다니의 나사로라는 어떤 남자가 병을 앓고 있었습니다..." 그녀는 마침내 억지로 읽으려고 했지만, 세 번째 단어에서 그녀의 목소리는 너무 긴장된 줄처럼 끊어졌습니다. 그녀는 숨을 멈추었습니다. 라스콜니코프는 소냐가 왜 그에게 읽어줄 수 없는지 어느 정도 알아챘고, 그가 그것을 더 많이 알수록, 그는 더욱 거칠고 짜증스럽게 그녀에게 그렇게 하라고 고집했습니다. 그는 그녀가 자신의 모든 것을 배신하고 폭로하는 것이 얼마나 고통스러운지 너무나 잘 알고 있었습니다.

그는 이러한 감정이 실제로 그녀의 비밀 보물이라는 것을 이해했습니다. 그녀는 아마도 수년 동안, 아마도 어린 시절부터, 불행한 아버지와 슬픔에 미쳐 있는 산만한 계모와 함께 살면서, 굶주린 아이들과 추한 학대와 비난 속에서 살았을 것입니다. 하지만 동시에 그는 지금 알고 있었고, 그것이 그녀를 공포와 고통으로 가득 채웠지만, 그녀가 읽고, 그가 들을 수 있도록 그에게 읽어주고, 지금 무슨 일이 일어나든 읽어주고 싶은 괴로운 욕망이 있다는 것을 확실히 알고 있었습니다!... 그는 그녀의 눈에서 이것을 읽었고, 그녀의 강렬한 감정에서 그것을 볼 수 있었습니다.

그녀는 자신을 제어하고, 목의 경련을 억제하고, 요한 복음 11장을 계속 읽었습니다. 그녀는 19절까지 갔습니다: "그리고 많은 유대인들이 마르다와 마리아에게 와서 그들의 오빠에 대해 위로했습니다." 그러자 마르다는 예수께서 오신다는 소식을 듣고 곧 그를 맞으러 갔습니다. 그러나 마리아는 집에 가만히 앉아 있었습니다. "그러자 마르다가 예수께 말했습니다. 주님, 당신이 여기 계셨더라면 제 오빠가 죽지 않았을 것입니다. "하지만 지금도 당신이 하나님께 구하시는 것은 무엇이든지 하나님께서 주실 것임을 압니다..." 그러고 나서 그녀는 다시 목소리가 떨리고 끊어질 것 같은 부끄러운 감정으로 멈췄습니다. “예수께서 그녀에게 말씀하셨다. 네 오빠가 다시 살아날 것이다.

“마르다가 그에게 말했다. 나는 그가 부활 때, 마지막 날에 다시 살아날 것을 압니다.” “예수께서 그녀에게 말씀하셨다. 나는 부활이요 생명이다. 나를 믿는 자는 죽어도 살 것이다. “그리고 살아서 나를 믿는 자는 영원히 죽지 아니하리라. 너는 이것을 믿느냐?” 그녀가 그에게 말했다. (그리고 고통스러운 숨을 들이쉬며 소냐는 마치 그녀가 공개적으로 신앙을 고백하는 것처럼 분명하고 강력하게 읽었다.)

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“Where did you get that?” he called to her across the room. She was still standing in the same place, three steps from the table. “It was brought me,” she answered, as it were unwillingly, not looking at him. “Who brought it?” “Lizaveta, I asked her for it.” “Lizaveta! strange!” he thought. Everything about Sonia seemed to him stranger and more wonderful every moment. He carried the book to the candle and began to turn over the pages. “Where is the story of Lazarus?” he asked suddenly.

Sonia looked obstinately at the ground and would not answer. She was standing sideways to the table. “Where is the raising of Lazarus? Find it for me, Sonia.” She stole a glance at him. “You are not looking in the right place.... It’s in the fourth gospel,” she whispered sternly, without looking at him. “Find it and read it to me,” he said. He sat down with his elbow on the table, leaned his head on his hand and looked away sullenly, prepared to listen.

“In three weeks’ time they’ll welcome me in the madhouse! I shall be there if I am not in a worse place,” he muttered to himself. Sonia heard Raskolnikov’s request distrustfully and moved hesitatingly to the table. She took the book however. “Haven’t you read it?” she asked, looking up at him across the table. Her voice became sterner and sterner. “Long ago.... When I was at school. Read!” “And haven’t you heard it in church?” “I... haven’t been. Do you often go?” “N-no,” whispered Sonia. Raskolnikov smiled.

“I understand.... And you won’t go to your father’s funeral to-morrow?” “Yes, I shall. I was at church last week, too... I had a requiem service.” “For whom?” “For Lizaveta. She was killed with an axe.” His nerves were more and more strained. His head began to go round. “Were you friends with Lizaveta?” “Yes.... She was good... she used to come... not often... she couldn’t.... We used to read together and... talk. She will see God.” The last phrase sounded strange in his ears.

And here was something new again: the mysterious meetings with Lizaveta and both of them—religious maniacs. “I shall be a religious maniac myself soon! It’s infectious!” “Read!” he cried irritably and insistently. Sonia still hesitated. Her heart was throbbing. She hardly dared to read to him. He looked almost with exasperation at the “unhappy lunatic.”

“What for? You don’t believe?...” she whispered softly and as it were breathlessly. “Read! I want you to,” he persisted. “You used to read to Lizaveta.”

Sonia opened the book and found the place. Her hands were shaking, her voice failed her. Twice she tried to begin and could not bring out the first syllable. “Now a certain man was sick named Lazarus of Bethany...” she forced herself at last to read, but at the third word her voice broke like an overstrained string. There was a catch in her breath. Raskolnikov saw in part why Sonia could not bring herself to read to him and the more he saw this, the more roughly and irritably he insisted on her doing so. He understood only too well how painful it was for her to betray and unveil all that was her own.

He understood that these feelings really were her secret treasure, which she had kept perhaps for years, perhaps from childhood, while she lived with an unhappy father and a distracted stepmother crazed by grief, in the midst of starving children and unseemly abuse and reproaches. But at the same time he knew now and knew for certain that, although it filled her with dread and suffering, yet she had a tormenting desire to read and to read to him that he might hear it, and to read now whatever might come of it!... He read this in her eyes, he could see it in her intense emotion.

She mastered herself, controlled the spasm in her throat and went on reading the eleventh chapter of St. John. She went on to the nineteenth verse: “And many of the Jews came to Martha and Mary to comfort them concerning their brother. “Then Martha as soon as she heard that Jesus was coming went and met Him: but Mary sat still in the house. “Then said Martha unto Jesus, Lord, if Thou hadst been here, my brother had not died. “But I know that even now whatsoever Thou wilt ask of God, God will give it Thee....” Then she stopped again with a shamefaced feeling that her voice would quiver and break again. “Jesus said unto her, thy brother shall rise again.

“Martha saith unto Him, I know that he shall rise again in the resurrection, at the last day. “Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection and the life: he that believeth in Me though he were dead, yet shall he live. “And whosoever liveth and believeth in Me shall never die. Believest thou this? “She saith unto Him,” (And drawing a painful breath, Sonia read distinctly and forcibly as though she were making a public confession of faith.)

“Yea, Lord: I believe that Thou art the Christ, the Son of God Which should come into the world.” She stopped and looked up quickly at him, but controlling herself went on reading. Raskolnikov sat without moving, his elbows on the table and his eyes turned away. She read to the thirty-second verse.