PART 4 // chapter 4-6

[모나리자]

“그러자 마리아가 예수께서 계신 곳에 와서 그분을 보고, 그분의 발 앞에 엎드려서, 주여, 만일 당신이 여기 계셨더라면, 제 오빠가 죽지 않았을 것입니다.”라고 말했습니다. “그러자 예수께서 그녀가 울고, 그녀와 함께 온 유대인들도 울고 있는 것을 보시고, 영으로 신음하시고 괴로워하셨습니다. “그리고 말씀하셨습니다. 그를 어디에 두었습니까? 그들이 말씀드렸습니다. 주여, 와서 보십시오.” “예수께서 울었습니다. “그러자 유대인들이 말했습니다. 보라, 그가 그를 얼마나 사랑했는지!” “그리고 그들 중 어떤 사람들은 말했습니다. 눈먼 자의 눈을 뜨게 한 이 사람이 이 사람도 죽지 않게 할 수 없었을까요?” 라스콜니코프는 돌아서서 감정에 찬 눈으로 그녀를 바라보았습니다.

그렇습니다. 그는 그것을 알고 있었습니다! 그녀는 진짜 육체적 열에 떨고 있었습니다. 그는 그것을 예상했습니다. 그녀는 가장 위대한 기적에 대한 이야기에 다가가고 있었고 엄청난 승리감이 그녀에게 다가왔습니다. 그녀의 목소리는 종처럼 울려 퍼졌습니다. 승리와 기쁨이 그것에 힘을 주었습니다. 대사가 그녀의 눈앞에서 춤을 추었지만, 그녀는 자신이 읽고 있는 것을 암기하고 있었습니다. 마지막 구절에서 "눈먼 자의 눈을 뜨게 한 이 사람이..." 그녀는 목소리를 낮추고, 의심, 비난, 맹인 불신 유대인들의 비난을 열정적으로 재현했습니다. 그들은 또 다른 순간에 천둥에 맞은 것처럼 그의 발 앞에 엎드려 흐느끼며 믿었습니다... "그리고 그는, 그는-또한 눈이 멀고 믿지 않는 자입니다. 그는 또한 들을 것입니다. 그는 또한 믿을 것입니다. 그렇습니다, 그렇습니다! 즉시, 지금" 그녀는 꿈꾸고 있었고, 그녀는 행복한 기대감으로 떨고 있었습니다.

"그러므로 예수께서 다시 신음하시며 무덤으로 오셨습니다. 그것은 동굴이었고, 그 위에 돌이 놓여 있었습니다. "예수께서 말씀하셨습니다. 돌을 치우십시오. 죽은 사람의 누이 마르다가 그에게 말했습니다. 주님, 지금은 냄새가 납니다. 죽은 지 사흘이 되었으니까요." 그녀는 사이라는 단어에 강조를 두었습니다. “예수께서 그녀에게 이르시되, 내가 만일 믿으면 하나님의 영광을 볼 것이라고 네게 말하지 아니하였느냐?”그러자 그들은 죽은 자를 묻은 곳에서 돌을 치웠다.예수께서 눈을 들어 이르시되, 아버지여, 내 말을 들으신 것을 감사하나이다.

“그리고 나는 당신께서 항상 내 말을 들으신다는 것을 알았나이다. 그러나 곁에 서 있는 무리 때문에 내가 말하였나이다. 이는 그들이 당신께서 나를 보내셨다는 것을 믿게 하려 함이니이다.”이렇게 말씀하시고 큰 소리로 외치시되, 나사로야, 나오라. “그리고 죽은 자가 나왔다.”(그녀는 마치 눈앞에서 보고 있는 것처럼 차갑고 떨면서 큰 소리로 읽었다.) “손과 발은 수의로 묶였고 그의 얼굴은 수건으로 묶였다.예수께서 그들에게 이르시되, 그를 풀어 놓아 주라.

“그러자 마리아에게 와서 예수께서 행하신 일을 보고 많은 유대인들이 그를 믿었다.” 그녀는 더 이상 읽을 수 없었고, 책을 덮고 재빨리 의자에서 일어났다. "그게 다 라자로의 부활에 대한 이야기야." 그녀는 엄중하고 갑자기 속삭였고, 돌아서서 움직이지 않고 서서 감히 그에게 눈을

들지 못했다. 그녀는 여전히 열에 들떠 떨었다. 낡은 촛대에서 촛불 끝이 깜빡거리며, 빈곤에 시달리는 방에서 살인자와 창녀가 영원한 책을 이상하게도 함께 읽고 있었다. 5분 이상이 지났다. "뭔가 말하려고 왔어요." 라스콜니코프가 큰 소리로 말하며 눈살을 찌푸렸다. 그는 일어나서 소냐에게 갔다. 그녀는 조용히 그에게 눈을 들어올렸다. 그의 얼굴은 특히 엄격했고, 그 안에는 일종의 야만적인 결의가 있었다.

"오늘은 가족을 버렸어요." 그는 말했다. "어머니와 누이를 버렸어요. 그들을 만나지 않을 거예요. 완전히 헤어졌어요." "무슨 일이에요?" 소냐가 놀라서 물었다. 그녀의 어머니와 누이와의 최근 만남은 그녀가 분석할 수 없는 큰 인상을 남겼다. 그녀는 그의 소식을 거의 공포에 질려 들었다. "이제 당신만 남았어요." 그는 덧붙였다. "함께 가자.... 내가 당신에게 왔어. 우리 둘 다 저주받았어. 함께 가자!" 그의 눈이 반짝였다. "마치 그가 미친 듯이." 소냐도 생각했다. "어디로 가?" 그녀는 놀라서 물었고 무의식적으로 뒤로 물러섰다. "어떻게 알아? 같은 길이라는 것만 알아. 그것만 알아.

같은 목표야!" 그녀는 그를 바라보았지만 아무것도 이해하지 못했다. 그녀는 그가 몹시, 무한히 불행하다는 것만 알았다. "당신이 그들에게 말하면 아무도 이해하지 못할 거야. 하지만 나는 이해했어. 나는 당신이 필요해. 그래서 당신에게 온 거야." "이해가 안 가요." 소냐가 속삭였다. "나중에 알게 될 거예요. 당신도 똑같은 짓을 하지 않았나요? 당신도 범법했어요... 범법할 힘이 있었어요. 당신은 스스로에게 손을 얹었고, 당신의 삶을 파괴했어요... 당신 자신의 삶을요(모두 똑같아요!).

당신은 정신과 이해 속에서 살았을지 몰라도, 결국 헤이 마켓에서 살게 될 거예요... 하지만 당신은 그것을 견딜 수 없을 거고, 혼자 남으면 나처럼 미칠 거예요. 당신은 이미 미친 놈 같아요. 그러니 우리는 같은 길로 가야 해요! 가자!" "뭐 때문에? 이게 다 뭐 때문에야?" 소냐가 그의 말에 이상하고 격렬하게 흥분하며 말했다. "뭐 때문에? 당신은 이렇게 남을 수 없으니까요, 그게 이유예요! 마침내 모든 것을 똑바로 바라봐야 해요. 아이처럼 울면서 신이 허락하지 않는다고 울지 말아야 해요.

내일 정말 병원에 가야 한다면 어떻게 될까요? 그녀는 미쳤고 폐결핵에 걸렸고, 곧 죽을 거고 아이들도? 폴렌카가 슬퍼하지 않을 거라고 말하고 싶은 거야? 거리 모퉁이에서 어머니가 구걸하러 보낸 아이들을 보지 못했어? 나는 그 어머니들이 어디에 살고 어떤 환경에서 사는지 알아냈어. 아이들은 그곳에서 아이들로만 있을 수 없어! 일곱 살이 되면 그 아이는 사악하고 도둑이야. 하지만 아이들은 그리스도의 형상이야. '그들의 것이 천국이야.' 그는 우리에게 그들을 존중하고 사랑하라고 명령했어. 그들은 미래의 인류야..."

"무엇을 해야 해, 무엇을 해야 해?" 소냐가 히스테리컬하게 울면서 손을 비비며 되뇌었다. "무엇을 해야 해? 깨야 할 것을 단번에 깨고, 그게 다야. 그리고 그 고통을 스스로 짊어져야 해. 뭐라고, 모르겠어? 나중에 알게 될 거야... 자유와 권력, 그리고 무엇보다도 권력! 모든

떨리는 창조물과 모든 개미더미!... 그것이 목표입니다. 기억하세요! 그것이 제 작별 인사입니다. 아마도 이것이 제가 여러분에게 말하는 마지막 시간일 것입니다. 내일 제가 오지 않는다면, 여러분은 이 모든 것을 듣고 이 말을 기억할 것입니다. 그리고 언젠가, 앞으로 몇 년 후에, 여러분은 아마도 그 말이 무슨 뜻인지 이해할 것입니다.

내일 오면 리자베타를 죽인 사람이 누구인지 말해 줄게... 안녕." 소냐는 공포에 질려 말을 시작했다. "왜, 누가 그녀를 죽였는지 알아?" 그녀는 공포에 질려 몸을 떨며 그를 향해 맹렬히 바라보며 물었다. "알고 말해 줄게... 너에게만. 나는 너를 택했어. 용서를 구하려고 온 게 아니라 그냥 너에게 말해 주려고 온 거야. 오래전에 이 이야기를 듣기 위해 너를 택했어. 네 아버지가 네 이야기를 했을 때, 리자베타가 살아 있을 때, 나는 그것을 생각했어. 안녕, 악수하지 마. 내일!" 그는 나갔다. 소냐는 미친 사람처럼 그를 바라보았다. 하지만 그녀 자신은 미친 사람 같았고 그것을 느꼈다. 그녀의 머리는 돌고 있었다.

"맙소사, 리자베타를 죽인 사람이 누구인지 어떻게 알아? 그 말은 무슨 뜻이야? 끔찍해!" 하지만 동시에 그녀의 머릿속에는 그 생각이 떠오르지 않았다. 한순간도! "아, 그는 몹시 불행하겠구나!... 그는 어머니와 누이를 버렸어.... 왜? 무슨 일이 일어났을까? 그리고 그는 무슨 생각을 했을까? 그는 그녀에게 무슨 말을 했을까? 그는 그녀의 발에 키스하고 말했다... 말했다(그렇다, 그는 분명히 말했다) 그녀 없이는 살 수 없다고... 오, 자비로운 하늘이여!" 소냐는 밤새도록 열이 나고 정신이 나갔다.

그녀는 때때로 뛰어올라 울고 손을 비비다가 다시 열에 들뜬 잠에 빠져서 폴렌카, 카테리나 이바노브나, 리자베타가 복음을 읽고 그... 창백한 얼굴과 불타는 눈으로... 그녀의 발에 키스하고 울고 있는 꿈을 꾸었다. 소냐의 방과 레슬리치 부인의 아파트를 나누는 오른쪽 문 반대편에는 오랫동안 비어 있던 방이 있었다. 문에는 카드가 붙어 있었고 운하 위의 창문에는 임대 광고가 붙어 있었다. 소냐는 오랫동안 그 방이 사람이 살지 않는 데 익숙해져 있었다. 하지만 그동안 스비드리가일로프 씨는 서서 빈 방 문에 귀를 기울이고 있었습니다.

라스콜니코프가 나갔을 때 그는 가만히 서서 잠시 생각한 후 발끝으로 빈 방에 인접한 자신의 방으로 가서 의자를 가져와서 소리 없이 소냐의 방으로 이어지는 문으로 가져갔습니다. 대화는 그에게 흥미롭고 주목할 만한 것으로 느껴졌고 그는 그것을 매우 즐겼습니다. 너무 즐거웠기 때문에 그는 의자를 가져와서 예를 들어 내일은 한 시간이나 서 있어야 하는 불편함을 견뎌내지 않고 편안하게 귀를 기울일 수 있었습니다.

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“Then when Mary was come where Jesus was and saw Him, she fell down at His feet, saying unto Him, Lord if Thou hadst been here, my brother had not died. “When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, He groaned in the spirit and was troubled, “And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto Him, Lord, come and see. “Jesus wept. “Then said the Jews, behold how He loved him! “And some of them said, could not this Man which opened the eyes of the blind, have caused that even this man should not have died?” Raskolnikov turned and looked at her with emotion.

Yes, he had known it! She was trembling in a real physical fever. He had expected it. She was getting near the story of the greatest miracle and a feeling of immense triumph came

over her. Her voice rang out like a bell; triumph and joy gave it power. The lines danced before her eyes, but she knew what she was reading by heart. At the last verse “Could not this Man which opened the eyes of the blind...” dropping her voice she passionately reproduced the doubt, the reproach and censure of the blind disbelieving Jews, who in another moment would fall at His feet as though struck by thunder, sobbing and believing.... “And he, he—too, is blinded and unbelieving, he, too, will hear, he, too, will believe, yes, yes! At once, now,” was what she was dreaming, and she was quivering with happy anticipation.

“Jesus therefore again groaning in Himself cometh to the grave. It was a cave, and a stone lay upon it. “Jesus said, Take ye away the stone. Martha, the sister of him that was dead, saith unto Him, Lord by this time he stinketh: for he hath been dead four days.” She laid emphasis on the word four. “Jesus saith unto her, Said I not unto thee that if thou wouldest believe, thou shouldest see the glory of God? “Then they took away the stone from the place where the dead was laid. And Jesus lifted up His eyes and said, Father, I thank Thee that Thou hast heard Me.

“And I knew that Thou hearest Me always; but because of the people which stand by I said it, that they may believe that Thou hast sent Me. “And when He thus had spoken, He cried with a loud voice, Lazarus, come forth. “And he that was dead came forth.” (She read loudly, cold and trembling with ecstasy, as though she were seeing it before her eyes.) “Bound hand and foot with graveclothes; and his face was bound about with a napkin. Jesus saith unto them, Loose him and let him go.

“Then many of the Jews which came to Mary and had seen the things which Jesus did believed on Him.” She could read no more, closed the book and got up from her chair quickly. “That is all about the raising of Lazarus,” she whispered severely and abruptly, and turning away she stood motionless, not daring to raise her

eyes to him. She still trembled feverishly. The candle-end was flickering out in the battered candlestick, dimly lighting up in the poverty-stricken room the murderer and the harlot who had so strangely been reading together the eternal book. Five minutes or more passed. “I came to speak of something,” Raskolnikov said aloud, frowning. He got up and went to Sonia. She lifted her eyes to him in silence. His face was particularly stern and there was a sort of savage determination in it.

“I have abandoned my family to-day,” he said, “my mother and sister. I am not going to see them. I’ve broken with them completely.” “What for?” asked Sonia amazed. Her recent meeting with his mother and sister had left a great impression which she could not analyse. She heard his news almost with horror. “I have only you now,” he added. “Let us go together.... I’ve come to you, we are both accursed, let us go our way together!” His eyes glittered “as though he were mad,” Sonia thought, in her turn. “Go where?” she asked in alarm and she involuntarily stepped back. “How do I know? I only know it’s the same road, I know that and nothing more.

It’s the same goal!” She looked at him and understood nothing. She knew only that he was terribly, infinitely unhappy. “No one of them will understand, if you tell them, but I have understood. I need you, that is why I have come to you.” “I don’t understand,” whispered Sonia. “You’ll understand later. Haven’t you done the same? You, too, have transgressed... have had the strength to transgress. You have laid hands on yourself, you have destroyed a life... your own (it’s all the same!).

You might have lived in spirit and understanding, but you’ll end in the Hay Market.... But you won’t be able to stand it, and if you remain alone you’ll go out of your mind like me. You are like a mad creature already. So we must go together on the same road! Let us go!” “What for? What’s all this for?” said Sonia, strangely and violently agitated by his words. “What for? Because you can’t remain like this, that’s why! You must look things straight in the face at last, and not weep like a child and cry that God won’t allow it.

What will happen, if you should really be taken to the hospital to-morrow? She is mad and in consumption, she’ll soon die and the children? Do you mean to tell me Polenka won’t come to grief? Haven’t you seen children here at the street corners sent out by their mothers to beg? I’ve found out where those mothers live and in what surroundings. Children can’t remain children there! At seven the child is vicious and a thief. Yet children, you know, are the image of Christ: ‘theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.’ He bade us honour and love them, they are the humanity of the future....”

“What’s to be done, what’s to be done?” repeated Sonia, weeping hysterically and wringing her hands. “What’s to be done? Break what must be broken, once for all, that’s all, and take the suffering on oneself. What, you don’t understand? You’ll understand later.... Freedom and power, and above all, power! Over all

trembling creation and all the ant-heap!... That’s the goal, remember that! That’s my farewell message. Perhaps it’s the last time I shall speak to you. If I don’t come to-morrow, you’ll hear of it all, and then remember these words. And some day later on, in years to come, you’ll understand perhaps what they meant.

If I come to-morrow, I’ll tell you who killed Lizaveta.... Good-bye.” Sonia started with terror. “Why, do you know who killed her?” she asked, chilled with horror, looking wildly at him. “I know and will tell... you, only you. I have chosen you out. I’m not coming to you to ask forgiveness, but simply to tell you. I chose you out long ago to hear this, when your father talked of you and when Lizaveta was alive, I thought of it. Good-bye, don’t shake hands. To-morrow!” He went out. Sonia gazed at him as at a madman. But she herself was like one insane and felt it. Her head was going round.

“Good heavens, how does he know who killed Lizaveta? What did those words mean? It’s awful!” But at the same time the idea did not enter her head, not for a moment! “Oh, he must be terribly unhappy!... He has abandoned his mother and sister.... What for? What has happened? And what had he in his mind? What did he say to her? He had kissed her foot and said... said (yes, he had said it clearly) that he could not live without her.... Oh, merciful heavens!” Sonia spent the whole night feverish and delirious.

She jumped up from time to time, wept and wrung her hands, then sank again into feverish sleep and dreamt of Polenka, Katerina Ivanovna and Lizaveta, of reading the gospel and him... him with pale face, with burning eyes... kissing her feet, weeping. On the other side of the door on the right, which divided Sonia’s room from Madame Resslich’s flat, was a room which had long stood empty. A card was fixed on the gate and a notice stuck in the windows over the canal advertising it to let. Sonia had long been accustomed to the room’s being uninhabited. But all that time Mr. Svidrigaïlov had been standing, listening at the door of the empty room.

When Raskolnikov went out he stood still, thought a moment, went on tiptoe to his own room which adjoined the empty one, brought a chair and noiselessly carried it to the door that led to Sonia’s room. The conversation had struck him as interesting and remarkable, and he had greatly enjoyed it—so much so that he brought a chair that he might not in the future, to-morrow, for instance, have to endure the inconvenience of standing a whole hour, but might listen in comfort.