PART 4 // chapter 5-5

[모나리자]

"알았어. 그게 뭐야?" "왜 그래, 로디온 로마노비치, 내가 너에 대해 그 이상을 알고 있는 거지; 나는 모든 것을 알고 있어. 네가 어두울 때 밤에 타이어를 받으러 갔던 일과 벨을 울리고 피에 대해 물어서 일꾼과 문지기가 어떻게 해야 할지 몰랐던 일도 알고 있어. 그래, 그때 네 심경을 이해해... 하지만 내 말대로 그렇게 미칠 거야! 머리를 잃을 거야! 운명에게서, 그리고 경찰관에게서 받은 잘못에 대해 관대한 분노로 가득 차서, 한 가지에서 다른 것으로 서둘러서 그들이 입을 열게 하고 모든 것을 끝내게 하는 거야. 이 모든 의심과 어리석음에 질렸기 때문이야.

그렇지 않아? 네가 어떤 기분인지 내가 짐작했지? 그렇게 하면 네 머리도 잃을 거고 라주미힌도 잃을 거야. 그는 그런 자리에는 너무 훌륭한 사람이에요, 당신도 알아야 해요. 당신은 아프고 그는 괜찮고 당신의 병은 그에게 전염성이 있어요... 당신이 더 정상이 되면 말해줄게요... 하지만 제발 앉아요, 제발. 좀 쉬세요, 당신은 충격적인 모습이에요, 앉아요." 라스콜니코프는 앉았다. 그는 더 이상 떨지 않았고 온통 뜨거웠다. 그는 놀라서 포르피리 페트로비치의 말을 주의 깊게 들었다. 그는 여전히 두려워하는 듯했고, 그가 다정하게 그를 돌보았다.

하지만 그는 그가 한 말을 전혀 믿지 않았다. 이상하게도 믿고 싶은 마음이 들었다. 포르피리가 아파트에 대해 예상치 못한 말을 하자 그는 완전히 압도당했다. "어떻게 그럴 수 있지, 그럼 그는 아파트에 대해 알고 있잖아." 그는 갑자기 생각했다. "그리고 그는 나에게 직접 말해!" "그래, 우리 법률 실무에서 거의 정확히 비슷한 사례가 있었는데, 병적 심리의 사례였어."

포르피리는 재빨리 말을 이었다.

"한 남자가 살인을 자백했고, 어떻게 살인을 저질렀는지! 그것은 규칙적인 환각이었습니다. 그는 사실을 내세우고, 모든 사람에게 강요했고, 왜? 그는 부분적으로, 하지만 부분적으로만, 의도치 않게 살인의 원인이 되었고, 살인자들에게 기회를 주었다는 것을 알았을 때, 그는 낙담했고, 그것이 그의 마음에 떠올라 그의 두뇌를 돌렸고, 그는 상상하기 시작했고 그는 자신이 살인자라고 스스로를 설득했습니다. 하지만 마침내 고등 항소 법원이 그것에 대해 판결을 내렸고, 불쌍한 사람은 무죄 판결을 받고 적절한 치료를 받았습니다.

항소 법원에 감사합니다! 쯧쯧! 왜, 친애하는 친구야, 신경을 자극하고, 밤에 종을 울리고 피에 대해 물어보려는 충동이 있다면 섬망에 빠질 수도 있습니다! 저는 제 진료에서 이 모든 병적인 심리학을 연구했습니다. 사람은 때때로 창이나 종탑에서 뛰어내리고 싶은 유혹을 받습니다. 종을 울리는 것도 마찬가지입니다.... 그것은 모두 질병입니다, 로디온 로마노비치! 당신은 자신의 질병을 소홀히 하기 시작했습니다. 경험이 풍부한 의사와 상의해야 합니다. 그 뚱뚱한 녀석이 무슨 소용이 있겠습니까? 당신은 어지러워요!

"당신은 이 모든 일을 할 때 정신이 나갔어요!" 라스콜니코프는 잠시 동안 모든 것이 돌아가는 것을 느꼈습니다. "가능할까요, 가능할까요?" 그의 머릿속에 번쩍 들었습니다. "그가 여전히 거짓말을 하고 있다는 게요? 그럴 리가 없어요, 그럴 리가 없어요." 그는 그 생각을 거부했고, 그것이 얼마나 그를 격노하게 만들지 느꼈고, 그 격노가 그를 미치게 만들지도 모른다고 느꼈습니다. "나는 정신이 나간 게 아니었어요. 내가 뭘 하는지 알았어요." 그는 포르피리의 게임에 침투하기 위해 모든 능력을 동원하여 소리쳤습니다. "나는 나 자신이었어요, 알겠어요?"

"그래요, 듣고 이해해요. 어제는 정신이 나간 게 아니라고 말했고, 특히 그것에 대해 강조했어요! 당신이 할 수 있는 말은 다 이해해요! 아-악!... 들어봐요, 로디온 로마노비치, 내 사랑하는 친구. 만약 당신이 실제로 범죄자이거나, 어떻게든 이 빌어먹을 일에 연루되었다면, 당신은 정신이 나간 게 아니라 당신의 능력을 완전히 소유하고 있다고 주장할 건가요? 그리고 그렇게 강조하고 끈기 있게? 가능할까요? 내 생각에는 전혀 불가능해.

양심에 걸리는 게 있다면, 틀림없이 정신이 나갔다고 주장해야 할 거야. 그렇지 않아?" 이 질문에는 교활함이 엿보였다. 라스콜니코프는 소파에서 뒤로 물러났고, 포르피리가 그에게 몸을 숙여 침묵 속에 당혹스러운 표정으로 그를 응시했다. "라주미힌에 대한 또 다른 사실은—당신은 그가 스스로 왔다고 말했어야 했고, 당신의 역할을 숨겼어야 했어! 하지만 당신은 숨기지 않았어! 당신은 그가 당신의 선동으로 왔다고 강조했어." 라스콜니코프는 그렇게 하지 않았다.

그의 등에 오한이 스쳤다. "당신은 계속 거짓말을 하고 있군요." 그는 느리고 약하게 말하며 입술을 비틀어 병든 미소를 지었다. "당신은 다시 한번 내 모든 게임을 알고 있다는 것을 보여주려 하고 있고, 내가 말할 모든 것을 미리 알고 있다는 것을 보여주려 하고 있어요." 그는 자신이 마땅히 해야 할 말을 제대로 숙고하지 못하고 있다는 것을 의식하면서 말했다. "당신은 나를 두렵게 하려고 하는 거야... 아니면 그냥 나를 비웃는 거야..." 그는 이렇게 말하면서도 여전히 그를 응시했고, 그의 눈에는 다시 강렬한 증오의 빛이 비쳤다.

"당신은 계속 거짓말을 하고 있군요." 그는 말했다. "범죄자에게 가장 좋은 정책은 가능한 한 진실을 말하는 것이라는 걸 당신은 잘 알고 있습니다... 가능한 한 적게 숨기는 거죠. 나는 당신을 믿지 않아요!"

"당신은 얼마나 교활한 사람인가요!" 포르피리가 낄낄거렸다. "당신을 잡을 수 없어요. 당신은 완벽한 일편단심이 있잖아요. 그래서 당신은 나를 믿지 않아요? 하지만 당신은 여전히 ​​나를 믿고, 4분의 1을 믿으니까; 나는 곧 당신이 전부 믿게 만들 거예요. 왜냐하면 나는 당신을 진심으로 좋아하고 진심으로 당신에게 좋은 것을 기원하기 때문입니다." 라스콜니코프의 입술이 떨렸다.

"그렇습니다." 포르피리가 말을 이어가며 라스콜니코프의 팔을 상냥하게 만졌다. "당신은 당신의 병을 돌봐야 합니다. 게다가, 당신의 어머니와 누이가 지금 여기 있습니다. 당신은 그들을 생각해야 합니다. 당신은 그들을 달래고 위로해야 하며, 그들을 두렵게 하는 것 외에는 아무것도 하지 않습니다..." "그게 당신과 무슨 상관이 있습니까? 어떻게 아십니까? 그것이 당신에게 무슨 상관이 있습니까? 당신은 나를 지켜보고 있고, 나에게 알리고 싶어합니까?" "맙소사! 왜, 나는 당신에게서 모든 것을 직접 배웠습니다!

당신은 당신이 흥분해서 나와 다른 사람들에게 모든 것을 말한다는 것을 알아차리지 못합니다. 라주미힌에게서도 어제 몇 가지 흥미로운 세부 사항을 배웠습니다. 아니, 당신은 내 말을 가로채셨지만, 당신의 모든 재치에도 불구하고, 당신의 의심은 당신이 사물에 대한 상식적인 관점을 잃게 만든다는 것을 말해야겠습니다. 예를 들어 종을 울리는 것으로 돌아가자면. 저는 검사 변호사로서, 그런 귀중한 것, 진짜 사실(가치 있는 사실이기 때문입니다)을 배신했습니다. 그런데 당신은 아무것도 보지 못하시네요!

제가 당신에 대해 조금이라도 의심이 들었다면, 왜 그런 행동을 했을까요? 아니요, 저는 먼저 당신의 의심을 무장 해제하고 당신이 제가 그 사실을 알고 있다는 것을 보지 못하게 했어야 했고, 당신의 주의를 돌리고 갑자기 당신에게 (당신의 표정) '그리고 당신은 10시나 11시가 다 되어서 살해된 여자의 아파트에서 무엇을 하고 계셨나요, 선생님. 왜 벨을 누르셨고 왜
피에 대해 물으셨나요?'라고 말했어야 했습니다.

6398p

“I knew. What of it?” “Why this, Rodion Romanovitch, that I know more than that about you; I know about everything. I know how you went to take a flat at night when it was dark and how you rang the bell and asked about the blood, so that the workmen and the porter did not know what to make of it. Yes, I understand your state of mind at that time... but you’ll drive yourself mad like that, upon my word! You’ll lose your head! You’re full of generous indignation at the wrongs you’ve received, first from destiny, and then from the police officers, and so you rush from one thing to another to force them to speak out and make an end of it all, because you are sick of all this suspicion and foolishness.

That’s so, isn’t it? I have guessed how you feel, haven’t I? Only in that way you’ll lose your head and Razumihin’s, too; he’s too good a man for such a position, you must know that. You are ill and he is good and your illness is infectious for him... I’ll tell you about it when you are more yourself.... But do sit down, for goodness’ sake. Please rest, you look shocking, do sit down.” Raskolnikov sat down; he no longer shivered, he was hot all over. In amazement he listened with strained attention to Porfiry Petrovitch who still seemed frightened as he looked after him with friendly solicitude.

But he did not believe a word he said, though he felt a strange inclination to believe. Porfiry’s unexpected words about the flat had utterly overwhelmed him. “How can it be, he knows about the flat then,” he thought suddenly, “and he tells it me himself!” “Yes, in our legal practice there was a case almost exactly similar, a case of morbid psychology,”

Porfiry went on quickly.

“A man confessed to murder and how he kept it up! It was a regular hallucination; he brought forward facts, he imposed upon everyone and why? He had been partly, but only partly, unintentionally the cause of a murder and when he knew that he had given the murderers the opportunity, he sank into dejection, it got on his mind and turned his brain, he began imagining things and he persuaded himself that he was the murderer. But at last the High Court of Appeal went into it and the poor fellow was acquitted and put under proper care.

Thanks to the Court of Appeal! Tut-tut-tut! Why, my dear fellow, you may drive yourself into delirium if you have the impulse to work upon your nerves, to go ringing bells at night and asking about blood! I’ve studied all this morbid psychology in my practice. A man is sometimes tempted to jump out of a window or from a belfry. Just the same with bell-ringing.... It’s all illness, Rodion Romanovitch! You have begun to neglect your illness. You should consult an experienced doctor, what’s the good of that fat fellow? You are lightheaded!

You were delirious when you did all this!” For a moment Raskolnikov felt everything going round. “Is it possible, is it possible,” flashed through his mind, “that he is still lying? He can’t be, he can’t be.” He rejected that idea, feeling to what a degree of fury it might drive him, feeling that that fury might drive him mad. “I was not delirious. I knew what I was doing,” he cried, straining every faculty to penetrate Porfiry’s game, “I was quite myself, do you hear?”

“Yes, I hear and understand. You said yesterday you were not delirious, you were particularly emphatic about it! I understand all you can tell me! A-ach!... Listen, Rodion Romanovitch, my dear fellow. If you were actually a criminal, or were somehow mixed up in this damnable business, would you insist that you were not delirious but in full possession of your faculties? And so emphatically and persistently? Would it be possible? Quite impossible, to my thinking.

If you had anything on your conscience, you certainly ought to insist that you were delirious. That’s so, isn’t it?” There was a note of slyness in this inquiry. Raskolnikov drew back on the sofa as Porfiry bent over him and stared in silent perplexity at him. “Another thing about Razumihin—you certainly ought to have said that he came of his own accord, to have concealed your part in it! But you don’t conceal it! You lay stress on his coming at your instigation.” Raskolnikov had not done so.

A chill went down his back. “You keep telling lies,” he said slowly and weakly, twisting his lips into a sickly smile, “you are trying again to show that you know all my game, that you know all I shall say beforehand,” he said, conscious himself that he was not weighing his words as he ought. “You want to frighten me... or you are simply laughing at me...” He still stared at him as he said this and again there was a light of intense hatred in his eyes.

“You keep lying,” he said. “You know perfectly well that the best policy for the criminal is to tell the truth as nearly as possible... to conceal as little as possible. I don’t believe you!”

“What a wily person you are!” Porfiry tittered, “there’s no catching you; you’ve a perfect monomania. So you don’t believe me? But still you do believe me, you believe a quarter; I’ll soon make you believe the whole, because I have a sincere liking for you and genuinely wish you good.” Raskolnikov’s lips trembled.

“Yes, I do,” went on Porfiry, touching Raskolnikov’s arm genially, “you must take care of your illness. Besides, your mother and sister are here now; you must think of them. You must soothe and comfort them and you do nothing but frighten them...” “What has that to do with you? How do you know it? What concern is it of yours? You are keeping watch on me and want to let me know it?” “Good heavens! Why, I learnt it all from you yourself!

You don’t notice that in your excitement you tell me and others everything. From Razumihin, too, I learnt a number of interesting details yesterday. No, you interrupted me, but I must tell you that, for all your wit, your suspiciousness makes you lose the common-sense view of things. To return to bell-ringing, for instance. I, an examining lawyer, have betrayed a precious thing like that, a real fact (for it is a fact worth having), and you see nothing in it!

Why, if I had the slightest suspicion of you, should I have acted like that? No, I should first have disarmed your suspicions and not let you see I knew of that fact, should have diverted your attention and suddenly have dealt you a knock-down blow (your expression‎) saying: ‘And what were you doing, sir, pray, at ten or nearly eleven at the murdered woman’s flat and why did you ring the bell and why did you ask about

blood?