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"Why am I still single?" thousands of women ask Dr. Phil, with looks of fear, desperation and hopelessness. Dr. Phil gets real about why they — and possibly you — are still flying solo.
Do an autopsy on your past relationships. Why didn't they work? Look at things honestly and learn from your mistakes.
Acknowledge what you own in a relationship. If you look at relationships that haven't worked, the common denominator is you! That means you own part of the problem. You create your own experience and control the choices you make. Your behavior and decisions have consequences. Take responsibility for them.
Be your authentic self. Your authentic self is who you are when you have no fear of judgment, or before the world starts pushing you around and telling you who you're supposed to be. Your fictional self is who you are when you have a social mask on to please everyone else — and it doesn't work if you're looking for a lasting relationship. Give yourself permission to be your authentic self.
Change your internal dialogue — what you're telling yourself in real time. You may be programming yourself for failure with negative thoughts. For example, if you call yourself a "freak magnet" while waiting for a blind date to show up, you're starting off with a negative internal message.
Take notice of your "tapes," which Dr. Phil compares to "elevator music," that constantly play in your head. Tapes can be even more insidious than your internal dialogue because they're so well rehearsed and ingrained. Eval!uate a particular situation, rather than listening to your tapes and deciding ahead of time. For example, if you've told yourself that "all good men are taken," then you've labeled the man you're out with as "a leftover" before you've even gotten to know him! Your pre-determined beliefs, which you may not even be conscious of, can be destructive.
A common mistake of many single people is that they try to change themselves for the person they are dating. When you do that, you're not being true to who you are, and it will bite you in the rear.
If what you're doing isn't working, change it. Do something different. Don't be someone you're not, but have a broad range of who you are.
Decide what kind of person you're looking for and put yourself in a target-rich environment. If, for example, you're looking for a man who loves the outdoors, go there. And if you're not looking for a barfly, don't go to a bar to meet someone!
Only 7 percent of communication is verbal. For every thought you have, there's a physiological reaction. Become aware of the signals you are sending out. Desperation, for example, comes through in non-verbal communication.
Recognize that you don't have to be in a relationship to be whole. It is better to be happy alone than sick with someone else. The most important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself.
Don't put pressure on yourself. You don't have to be married. It's not required. Stop telling yourself you have to get a ring on your finger.
Are you available? Look at your life and ask yourself if you're leaving time to meet someone. Would someone have to throw himself on the hood of your car to cross paths with you and get your attention?
Don't act desperate. Send a message that you "want to" be in a relationship — not that you've "got to." Even if you hear your biological clock, it need not tick loudly enough for every eligible man to hear it!
Will dating advice end a friendship?
Marcia says her best friend, Paige, is more concerned about her being single than she is. Paige is tired of hearing Marcia's bad dating stories, and says Marcia is too picky when it comes to men.
Paige says her intentions for her single, best friend are good. "Marcia's dating stories anger me. She wants me to validate her in her foolishness. I don't, I tell her the truth. I get into my Dr. Phil mode," Paige says. She explains that in the last seven years, Marcia has not been on more than two dates with the same guy.
"Marcia will cry on my shoulder about being single and then she will pick apart and rip apart each man that she dates. I would like for her to be as happy as I am. She was the maid of honor in my wedding and now I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her."
Marcia admits that she is picky, because the guys she meets are not what she is looking for. She doesn't agree with Paige, who's telling her that she should give them a second chance. She asks, "Dr. Phil, Paige is always telling me what I'm doing wrong. What can I do to get our friendship back on track?"
"I see two problems here," Dr. Phil explains. "One is the relationship between you and Paige, and the other is the relationship you have with men." Jokingly he tells Paige that to solve their relationship problem she should mind her own business. Then he asks why she is so involved with her best friend's love life.
Paige says that she hears Marcia's complaints all the time. "[I] can't help but to tell her just to slow down and give the boy a chance."
"You can't complain about her doggin' on you about your dating if you go invite her into it all the time," he explains to Marcia. "But you've crossed a boundary too — you expect her to do what you tell her to do?" he asks Paige.
Paige agrees, and Dr. Phil explains that she is bossing Marcia and trying to take over her life. He asks her why she keeps doing it.
"Because she keeps coming to me with it," Paige tells him, "And I'm just tired of hearing it. I feel bad for her." Paige says Marcia is constantly whining and upset about it, and has silly reasons for not dating men.
Dr. Phil reads off the reasons that Paige thinks Marcia rejects men. Some of the reasons include: One guy had a boat and she doesn't tan well, one of them kissed her in public, and one guy called too soon after the date to tell her he had a nice time.
Marcia tells Dr. Phil that there is more to all of the stories, and Paige "has selective hearing."
"I think she should slow down and have a couple more dates and not judge them so quickly and harshly," Paige says.
Dr. Phil recognizes her intentions, but thinks there's a limit. "Once you've said that, you let her know how you think, you let her know how you feel, and then it's up to her," he tells Paige. "But what you're saying is it's threatening your relationship ... You need to stop inviting her into it, and you need to quit trying to run it for her, because you really don't know everything you think you know," he explains.
Dr. Phil asks Marcia if she really wants a relationship with a guy, and Marcia tells him that she does.
Dr. Phil says to Marcia, "Assume for me that you have some filter that causes you to find fault with every guy that comes along. What do you think would be the reason for that ?"
"I've been single for so long that the concept of actually dating again scares me to death," Marcia says. She also explains that she was date raped by a co-worker.
"Isn't that a potential reason that you just might not like getting that close to other guys?" Dr. Phil asks. Marcia nods.
Dr. Phil explains to her that getting therapy and emotional closure with the situation was the responsible thing to do, but he explains, "You may well have healed those wounds, but that can have a dramatic effect on the filter you look through when you look at other guys. I think it is a life changing, life-altering violation of trust and space and everything that has to do with vulnerability and closeness with another man." He asks her if she thinks she is making every guy pay for this man's crime.
Marcia agrees that she is probably making all men suffer for what her coworker did to her, and says, "I'm attracted to emotionally unavailable [men]."
Dr. Phil explains that is because it is safe and doesn't lead to vulnerability.
"What if that filter which distorts what you see has caused you to walk right by a guy that might have just been a great fit for you?" Dr. Phil asks Marcia. He explains that if she had trusted herself enough to take her guard down and be vulnerable, she might have been more open and not so judgmental.
"It's possible," she replies.
Dr. Phil explains to her, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge. As long as you run from it and you never break through that barrier again, you can spend a whole lot of time on this side of the wall, with a whole lot of guys on [that] side of the wall. If you really want a good relationship ... you've got to give him a chance to get through that barrier."
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1. What paragraph do you sympathize with? (from 'Single and Sick of It?')
2. Let’s talk about your past relationships. Why didn’t they work?
3. Do you want to have a relationship? What do you want from a relationship?
If you have it, is it better than single?
4. Have you had any negative thoughts with yourself? Do you feel confident to meet opposite sex?
Do you think you are quite attractive to opposite sex?
5. Have you ever tried to hook guys or girls up? Let’s talk about it? How did you do?
6. Have you ever tried to change yourself for the person you are dating? How was it?
7. Do you know what kind of person you're looking for?
8. Have you been a target-rich environment to find a partner?
9. ‘You don't have to be in a relationship to be whole. It is better to be happy alone than sick with someone else. The most important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself.’ Do you agree? What are good things as a single?
10. ‘Don't act desperate. Send a message that you "want to" be in a relationship — not that you've "got to." Even if you hear your biological clock, it need not tick loudly enough for every eligible man to hear it!’ Have you ever acted desperate to be in a relationship? How was it?
11. Do you have some filter that causes you to find fault with every guy or girl that comes along? Why do you have?
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