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Signs of depression
Dear Annie: I am a sophomore in college and share an apartment with four other girls. We are seriously concerned about our roommate, "Sherry." She never goes to class anymore (she rarely went last year), and she sleeps until 5 p.m. Because she avoids bathing and has done laundry only a few times this past semester, she is starting to stink up the entire apartment.
More importantly, we are worried that her behavior could be a sign of depression. Sherry already is on anti-anxiety medication. We're not really close to her, and if we bring up her mental health, she is likely to become defensive and yell at us. What should we do? -- Concerned Roommate in Wisconsin
Dear Roommate: The four of you must talk to Sherry, even if she becomes defensive and yells. So what? You can take it, and she needs your help. Tell her she ought to see someone at the school's health clinic and offer to go with her. Give her the Web sites of the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (dbsalliance.org) and the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (www.nami.org or 1-800-950-NAMI).
Ask if she'd like you to call her parents. Sherry may be relieved to know someone cares enough to confront her. And if she refuses to get help, or you notice that she is getting worse, talk to a counselor on campus and ask for advice. You would never forgive yourselves if something happened and you stood by and did nothing.
Dear Annie: I have disagreed with some of your responses but never felt strongly enough to write. However, your response to "Confused in Ohio" sent me right through the roof.
"Confused" said her friend's elderly father looked at child pornography on the Internet. How could you advise the women to talk to her friend AGAIN, saying, "Grandpa should get counseling before he gets arrested"? You should have told her to get on the phone and report this to the authorities.
Viewing child pornography supports an industry that has hurt many children and destroyed lives. Just because the children in the pictures aren't living in his home doesn't excuse his behavior. The children in those photographs are being hurt and exploited. The fact that others in the house know about Grandpa's interests and do nothing means they should face criminal charges as well. I can't believe you would not take this more seriously. What were you thinking? -- L.T. in California
Dear L.T.: We were thinking that it does little good to offer advice that is not going to be followed. It would have been simple to tell "Confused" to call the police and have them arrest the father of her best friend, but she isn't likely to do it.
We hoped discussing this more emphatically with her friend, telling her that Dad's behavior was not normal, that he could be arrested, and that the grandchildren were at risk, would push the family to take action. But many readers agreed with you that "Confused" should call the authorities. Here's one more:
From Memphis, Tenn.: My sister and I, and many of our neighborhood children were left with a kindly old grandfather when we were very small. He seemed to love children. Indeed he did, in more ways than you can imagine. While in his care, we were forced to look at pornography, and my sister was repeatedly taken into his bedroom on her own. He told us not to tell, and for whatever reason we did not.
Child pornography is a horrendous crime committed by sick individuals. Anyone who finds pleasure in such activities should be reported immediately to the police. If her friend is too stupid to protect the grandchildren, "Confused" should do it for her, even if the price is the loss of the friendship.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.
2005.02.21
Road-Manager Korean Mothers
By Katie Maulbetsch
Considering the overwhelming amount of time that South Korean mothers devote to their children's academic endeavors, for some, it is as though they have never left school.
Education traditionally has been valued by South Koreans, but a new generation of mothers have taken this dedication to a new level. Out of a desire to improve their children's lot in life, South Korean mothers have become "agents" for their children by micro-managing every aspect of their academic and extracurricular schedules.
In a study of the changing role of motherhood in South Korea, Park So-jin, a Ph.D. candidate under the guidance of Nancy Abelmann in the Department of Anthropology, examined a sample of 40 middle- and working-class mothers in Seoul. Her results portray a competitive motherhood so driven that it is easy to understand why the United Nations Committee on the Rights of the Child announced in 2003 that the zealous educational atmosphere in South Korea violates children's rights to play.
South Korean mothers have been dubbed "road-managers," balancing schedules and collecting vital information about tutoring programs to compete with other children for college admission. The nation's extremely competitive academic environment has made supplementary private educational programs necessary so that students have an upper hand on the highly selective college entrance exams. The tests have diverse requirements and change yearly.
"Manager mothers have the skill to manage private after-school education," Park said. "They must have economic resources and taste; they are educational consumers who are responsible for their children's future and success."
According to a survey by the Korean Ministry of Education in 2001, 71 percent of elementary students were enrolled in private after-school programs with some starting their private education as early as age four.
One mother revealed that her two children were taking 23 different private classes, leaving hardly any time to relax or play.
A mother of a sixth grader involved in several after-school programs told Park: "Actually, the children themselves are the least important ingredient in their own academic success? the moms are the ones who need to be intelligent."
A typical South Korean manager-mother's 18-hour day begins at 6 a.m., checking over the day's schedule and helping her children get ready for school by 8 a.m. While their preschoolers are in class, some mothers even stay at the school and take reinforcement classes in math and English so that they are better able to help with their children's homework. Class is over at 4:30 p.m., but the day is far from over.
The mothers then chauffeur the children to their daily private extracurricular classes, which range from piano to Chinese to calculus. There, the moms may take more classes or exchange study strategies and information with other mothers in the waiting rooms. After returning home around midnight, they check over and help with their children's homework. Then it begins all over the next day.
The road-manager mother is a fairly recent phenomenon in South Korea.
"Mothers are having to deal with a different atmosphere than when they grew up," Park said. During the military rule of General Chun Doo-hwan in the 1980s, private after-school programs were banned with the goal of developing a national equalized educational program, committed to developing world citizens. "Still, some wealthy South Koreans were widely suspected of secretly hiring private tutors," Park said.
Following the democratic movement in 1987 and the educational reforms in the 1990s, drastic changes were made to deregulate the educational system and remove the bans on private tutoring programs. "These changes were solidified in 2000, when the bans were ruled as unconstitutional," Park explained. Since then, the private after-school market has grown exponentially.
Due to the time investment required to be a successful manager mother, many women find that they are pulled between motherhood and the need to work part time to pay for the programs. South Korean families spend, "about $2,000 a year on after-school programs on the low end", Park said. But she contends that the expense is underestimated in surveys because many families are unwilling to admit how much of their income goes toward extra classes.
"Because of the diversification of the educational market and recent reforms, the manager mother has emerged as an indispensable figure", Park said.
The writer is studying at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign.
02-02-2005 16:51