PART 4 // chapter 7-5

[모나리자]

"물어볼게요." 소냐가 일어섰다. "어제 그녀에게 연금 가능성에 대해 뭔가 말했어요? 그녀가 당신이 그녀에게 연금을 주겠다고 약속했다고 말했거든요. 사실이었나요?" "전혀 그렇지 않아요. 정말 터무니없죠! 저는 그녀가 공무원으로 죽은 공무원의 미망인으로서 일시적인 지원을 받을 수 있다는 암시만 했을 뿐이에요. 그녀가 후원만 한다면 말이죠... 하지만 당신의 고인이 된 부모님은 임기를 다 채우지 않으셨고 최근에는 전혀 공무원으로 일하지 않으셨던 모양입니다.

사실, 희망이 있다면 그것은 매우 덧없는 희망일 겁니다. 그럴 경우 지원을 청구할 수 없기 때문입니다. 전혀 그렇지 않아요... 그리고 그녀는 이미 연금을 꿈꾸고 있어요, 하하하!... 결심한 여성이에요!" "그렇습니다. 그녀는 속기 쉽고 마음이 착하고, 마음의 선함에서 모든 것을 믿고... 그리고... 그리고 그녀는 그런 사람이에요... 네... 그녀를 용서해 주세요." 소냐가 말했고, 그녀는 다시 일어나서 가려고 했습니다.

"하지만 당신은 내 말을 듣지 못했어요." "아니요, 듣지 못했어요." 소냐가 중얼거렸습니다. "그럼 앉으세요." 그녀는 몹시 혼란스러웠고, 그녀는 세 번째로 다시 앉았습니다. "그녀가 불행한 어린아이들과 함께 있는 상황을 보고, 전에 말했듯이, 내 힘이 미치는 한, 즉, 내 힘이 미치는 한, 그 이상은 아니더라도 기꺼이 봉사하겠습니다. 예를 들어, 그녀를 위해 구독을 하거나, 복권을 사거나, 그런 종류의 일을 할 수 있을 겁니다. 이런 경우 항상 친구나 외부인이 사람들을 돕고 싶어서 마련하는 것입니다. 제가 당신에게 말하고자 했던 것이 바로 그것입니다. 할 수 있을 겁니다."

"그래, 그래... 신께서 갚아주실 거야." 소냐가 말을 더듬으며 표트르 페트로비치를 뚫어지게 바라보았다. "그럴 수도 있겠지만, 나중에 이야기해 볼까. 오늘 시작할 수도 있고, 오늘 저녁에 이야기하고, 말하자면 기초를 다질 수도 있어. 7시에 나한테 와. 레베지아트니코프 씨가 도와줄 거라고 바라. 하지만 미리 경고해야 할 상황이 하나 있어서, 소피아 세묘노브나에게 여기 오라고 수고를 드려야겠어. 내 생각에 돈은 안 돼. 사실 카테리나 이바노브나의 손에 맡기는 건 안전하지 않아.

오늘 저녁 식사가 그 증거야. 그녀는 내일 먹을 빵 한 조각도 없고... 글쎄, 부츠나 구두나 그런 건 없지만, 오늘은 자메이카 럼과 마데이라, 그리고... 커피도 샀어. 지나가면서 봤어. 내일은 모든 것이 다시 당신에게 닥칠 것입니다. 그들은 빵 한 조각도 없을 것입니다. 정말 터무니없는 일이고, 그래서 제 생각에는 불행한 과부가 돈을 알지 못하도록, 예를 들어 당신만 알도록 구독료를 내야 합니다.

내 말이 맞나요?" "모르겠어요... 오늘이 그녀의 인생에서 단 한 번뿐이에요... 그녀는 그 추억을 기리고 기념하고 싶어서 몹시 바빴어요... 그리고 그녀는 매우 현명해요... 하지만 당신이 생각하는 대로, 그리고 내가 매우, 매우... 그들은 모두... 그리고 신께서 보상하실 거예요... 그리고 고아들은..." 소냐는 눈물을 터뜨렸다. "그럼, 잘 기억해 두세요. 그리고 이제 당신은 당신의 친척을 위해 내가 개인적으로 낼 수 있는 소액을 받아들일 거예요.

저는 제 이름이 그것과 관련하여 언급되는 것을 매우 원합니다. 여기... 말하자면 제 자신의 걱정거리가 있어서 더 이상 할 수 없어요..."

그리고 표트르 페트로비치는 소냐에게 조심스럽게 펼쳐진 10루블 지폐를 내밀었다. 소냐는 그것을 받고 얼굴이 붉어지고 뛰어 일어나 무언가를 중얼거리며 작별인사를 하기 시작했다. 표트르 페트로비치는 그녀를 예의 바르게 문까지 안내했다. 그녀는 마침내 흥분하고 괴로워하며 방에서 나와 카테리나 이바노브나에게 돌아갔고, 혼란에 휩싸였다.

이 모든 시간 동안 레베지아트니코프는 대화를 방해하지 않으려고 창가에 서 있거나 방 안을 돌아다녔다. 소냐가 나간 후 그는 표트르 페트로비치에게 다가가 엄숙하게 손을 내밀었다. "나는 모든 것을 듣고 보았다." 그는 마지막 동사에 강조를 두며 말했다. "그것은 명예로운 일입니다. 말하자면, 그것은 인도적입니다! 당신은 감사를 피하고 싶어 했지만, 나는 보았습니다! 그리고 나는 원칙적으로 사적 자선에 공감할 수 없지만, 그것은 악을 근절하지 못할 뿐만 아니라 오히려 그것을 조장하기 때문입니다. 그러나 나는 당신의 행동을 기쁘게 보았습니다. 그렇습니다. 그렇습니다. 저는 그것을 좋아합니다." "그것은 모두 말도 안 되는 소리입니다." 표트르 페트로비치가 다소 당황하여 중얼거리며 레베지아트니코프를 주의 깊게 바라보았다.

"아니, 말도 안 되는 소리가 아니야! 어제처럼 괴로움과 괴로움을 겪었지만 다른 사람들의 비참함에 공감할 수 있는 사람, 그런 사람은... 사회적 실수를 저지르고 있다 하더라도—여전히 존경받을 만합니다! 저는 표트르 페트로비치에게 그럴 것이라고는 전혀 예상하지 못했습니다. 특히 당신의 생각에 따르면... 오, 당신의 생각은 당신에게 얼마나 큰 단점입니까! 예를 들어 어제의 불운 때문에 얼마나 괴로워하시는지요." 표트르 페트로비치에 대한 애정이 돌아온 것을 느낀 순진한 레베지아트니코프가 소리쳤습니다.

"그리고, 당신은 결혼, 합법적인 결혼에 대해 무엇을 원하십니까, 나의 사랑하는 고귀한 표트르 페트로비치? 왜 당신은 이 합법적인 결혼에 집착하십니까?

글쎄요, 당신이 원한다면 나를 때릴 수도 있겠지만, 나는 기쁩니다. 긍정적으로 기쁩니다. 그것이 사라지지 않아서

당신이 자유롭고, 인류에게 완전히 길을 잃지 않았다는 것입니다... 보다시피, 나는 내 생각을 말했습니다!" "당신의 자유로운 결혼에서 우스꽝스럽게 여겨지고 남의 자식을 키우는 것을 원치 않기 때문에 합법적인 결혼을 원합니다." 루진은 대답을 하기 위해 대답했다. 그는 무언가에 몰두한 듯했다.

"아이들? 당신은 아이들에 대해 언급했어요." 레베지아트니코프는 나팔 소리에 군마처럼 말을 시작했습니다. "아이들은 사회적 문제이고 가장 중요한 문제라는 데 동의합니다. 하지만 아이들 문제는 다른 해결책이 있습니다. 어떤 사람들은 아이를 전혀 갖지 않으려고 합니다. 왜냐하면 그들은 가족 제도를 암시하기 때문입니다. 우리는 나중에 아이들에 대해 이야기할 것이지만, 지금은 명예 문제에 대해 고백합니다. 그것이 제 약점입니다. 그 끔찍하고 군사적인 푸쉬킨 표현은 미래의 사전에서는 생각할 수 없습니다.

실제로 무슨 뜻일까요? 말도 안 되는 소리입니다. 자유로운 결혼에는 속임수가 없을 것입니다! 그것은 합법적인 결혼의 자연스러운 결과일 뿐입니다. 말하자면, 그것은 시정적이고 항의적입니다. 그래서 실제로 굴욕적이지 않습니다... 그리고 만약 제가 부조리를 가정하고 합법적으로 결혼하게 된다면, 저는 그것을 긍정적으로 기뻐할 것입니다. 아내에게 말해야겠어요. '여보, 지금까지 당신을 사랑했지만, 이제는 당신을 존경해요. 당신이 항의할 수 있다는 걸 보여줬으니까요!' 당신은 웃어요! 당신이 편견에서 벗어날 수 없기 때문이죠.

모든 걸 망쳐버려! 합법적인 결혼에서 속는 게 불편한 이유를 이제 알겠어요. 하지만 둘 다 굴욕을 당하는 비열한 입장의 비열한 결과일 뿐이에요. 자유로운 결혼에서처럼 속임이 노골적으로 드러나면, 그런 건 존재하지 않고, 생각할 수도 없어요. 아내는 당신이 그녀의 행복에 반대하고 그녀의 새 남편을 위해 복수할 수 없다고 생각함으로써 당신을 얼마나 존경하는지 증명할 뿐이에요. 젠장! 가끔 결혼을 하게 된다면 꿈도 꿔요, 푸우!

합법적으로든 아니든 결혼을 하게 된다면 아내가 자신을 위해 애인을 찾지 못했다면 아내에게 애인을 소개해야죠. '내 사랑,' 내가 말해야 할 말은, '나는 당신을 사랑하지만, 그보다 더 당신이 나를 존중하기를 바랍니다. 보세요!' 내가 옳지 않나요?" 표트르 페트로비치는 듣고서 킬킬거렸지만, 별로 즐겁지는 않았다. 그는 실제로 거의 듣지 못했다. 그는 다른 것에 몰두했고, 심지어 레베지아트니코프조차도 마침내 그것을 알아챘다. 표트르 페트로비치는 흥분한 듯 손을 비볐다. 레베지아트니코프는 이 모든 것을 기억하고 나중에 그것에 대해 생각했다.

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“Allow me to ask,” Sonia rose to her feet, “did you say something to her yesterday of the possibility of a pension? Because she told me you had undertaken to get her one. Was that true?” “Not in the slightest, and indeed it’s an absurdity! I merely hinted at her obtaining temporary assistance as the widow of an official who had died in the service—if only she has patronage... but apparently your late parent had not served his full term and had not indeed been in the service at all of late.

In fact, if there could be any hope, it would be very ephemeral, because there would be no claim for assistance in that case, far from it.... And she is dreaming of a pension already, he-he-he!... A go-ahead lady!” “Yes, she is. For she is credulous and good-hearted, and she believes everything from the goodness of her heart and... and... and she is like that... yes... You must excuse her,” said Sonia, and again she got up to go.

“But you haven’t heard what I have to say.” “No, I haven’t heard,” muttered Sonia. “Then sit down.” She was terribly confused; she sat down again a third time. “Seeing her position with her unfortunate little ones, I should be glad, as I have said before, so far as lies in my power, to be of service, that is, so far as is in my power, not more. One might for instance get up a subscription for her, or a lottery, something of the sort, such as is always arranged in such cases by friends or even outsiders desirous of assisting people. It was of that I intended to speak to you; it might be done.”

“Yes, yes... God will repay you for it,” faltered Sonia, gazing intently at Pyotr Petrovitch. “It might be, but we will talk of it later. We might begin it to-day, we will talk it over this evening and lay the foundation so to speak. Come to me at seven o’clock. Mr. Lebeziatnikov, I hope, will assist us. But there is one circumstance of which I ought to warn you beforehand and for which I venture to trouble you, Sofya Semyonovna, to come here. In my opinion money cannot be, indeed it’s unsafe to put it into Katerina Ivanovna’s own hands.

The dinner to-day is a proof of that. Though she has not, so to speak, a crust of bread for to-morrow and... well, boots or shoes, or anything; she has bought to-day Jamaica rum, and even, I believe, Madeira and... and coffee. I saw it as I passed through. To-morrow it will all fall upon you again, they won’t have a crust of bread. It’s absurd, really, and so, to my thinking, a subscription ought to be raised so that the unhappy widow should not know of the money, but only you, for instance.

Am I right?” “I don’t know... this is only to-day, once in her life.... She was so anxious to do honour, to celebrate the memory.... And she is very sensible... but just as you think and I shall be very, very... they will all be... and God will reward... and the orphans...” Sonia burst into tears. “Very well, then, keep it in mind; and now will you accept for the benefit of your relation the small sum that I am able to spare, from me personally.

I am very anxious that my name should not be mentioned in connection with it. Here... having so to speak anxieties of my own, I cannot do more...”

And Pyotr Petrovitch held out to Sonia a ten-rouble note carefully unfolded. Sonia took it, flushed crimson, jumped up, muttered something and began taking leave. Pyotr Petrovitch accompanied her ceremoniously to the door. She got out of the room at last, agitated and distressed, and returned to Katerina Ivanovna, overwhelmed with confusion.

All this time Lebeziatnikov had stood at the window or walked about the room, anxious not to interrupt the conversation; when Sonia had gone he walked up to Pyotr Petrovitch and solemnly held out his hand. “I heard and saw everything,” he said, laying stress on the last verb. “That is honourable, I mean to say, it’s humane! You wanted to avoid gratitude, I saw! And although I cannot, I confess, in principle sympathise with private charity, for it not only fails to eradicate the evil but even promotes it, yet I must admit that I saw your action with pleasure—yes, yes, I like it.” “That’s all nonsense,” muttered Pyotr Petrovitch, somewhat disconcerted, looking carefully at Lebeziatnikov.

“No, it’s not nonsense! A man who has suffered distress and annoyance as you did yesterday and who yet can sympathise with the misery of others, such a man... even though he is making a social mistake—is still deserving of respect! I did not expect it indeed of you, Pyotr Petrovitch, especially as according to your ideas... oh, what a drawback your ideas are to you! How distressed you are for instance by your ill-luck yesterday,” cried the simple-hearted Lebeziatnikov, who felt a return of affection for Pyotr Petrovitch.

“And, what do you want with marriage, with legal marriage, my dear, noble Pyotr Petrovitch? Why do you cling to this legality of marriage?

Well, you may beat me if you like, but I am glad, positively glad it hasn’t come off,

that you are free, that you are not quite lost for humanity.... you see, I’ve spoken my mind!” “Because I don’t want in your free marriage to be made a fool of and to bring up another man’s children, that’s why I want legal marriage,” Luzhin replied in order to make some answer. He seemed preoccupied by something.

“Children? You referred to children,” Lebeziatnikov started off like a warhorse at the trumpet call. “Children are a social question and a question of first importance, I agree; but the question of children has another solution. Some refuse to have children altogether, because they suggest the institution of the family. We’ll speak of children later, but now as to the question of honour, I confess that’s my weak point. That horrid, military, Pushkin expression‎ is unthinkable in the dictionary of the future.

What does it mean indeed? It’s nonsense, there will be no deception in a free marriage! That is only the natural consequence of a legal marriage, so to say, its corrective, a protest. So that indeed it’s not humiliating... and if I ever, to suppose an absurdity, were to be legally married, I should be positively glad of it. I should say to my wife: ‘My dear, hitherto I have loved you, now I respect you, for you’ve shown you can protest!’ You laugh! That’s because you are incapable of getting away from prejudices.

Confound it all! I understand now where the unpleasantness is of being deceived in a legal marriage, but it’s simply a despicable consequence of a despicable position in which both are humiliated. When the deception is open, as in a free marriage, then it does not exist, it’s unthinkable. Your wife will only prove how she respects you by considering you incapable of opposing her happiness and avenging yourself on her for her new husband. Damn it all! I sometimes dream if I were to be married, pfoo!

I mean if I were to marry, legally or not, it’s just the same, I should present my wife with a lover if she had not found one for herself. ‘My dear,’ I should say, ‘I love you, but even more than that I desire you to respect me. See!’ Am I not right?” Pyotr Petrovitch sniggered as he listened, but without much merriment. He hardly heard it indeed. He was preoccupied with something else and even Lebeziatnikov at last noticed it. Pyotr Petrovitch seemed excited and rubbed his hands. Lebeziatnikov remembered all this and reflected upon it afterwards.