Dear Annie: I met my fiancee, "Donna," nine months ago. We've been engaged for three months and plan to marry in August. Although we are compatible in most ways, there is one thing that disappoints me, and I need an outside opinion.
The night we got engaged was a wonderful evening on board a cruise ship. When Donna and I returned to our stateroom, the first thing she did was hop into bed and turn on the TV. I was amazed that she would make such an unromantic move, but I chose not to bring it up and eventually fell asleep.
The next day, I told Donna that I thought watching TV was an unusual way to spend her engagement evening, but she felt it was no big deal. To her credit, she didn't do it again -- until now. We spent last weekend at a fancy hotel, and Sunday morning started making love in bed. Next thing I knew, she turned on the TV.
This time, I asked her point-blank, "When did you pick up the habit of watching TV during romantic moments?" Donna insisted it was not a problem. Well, it IS a problem for me. Is this a sign that she has no interest in lovemaking? Does it mean she finds our sex life boring? Could it be related to something in her past?
I'm really confused. The problem is serious enough that I plan to discuss it at a pre-marital seminar we have scheduled. Without some solution acceptable to both of us, it may be the end of this engagement. -- Where's the Romance in New Mexico?
Dear N.M.: We think the pre-marital seminar is an excellent place to discuss this, but here's our take on it: Either Donna is addicted to TV, or more likely, she is avoiding sex at those moments when the pressure to perform is most intense. During these special times, she may feel obligated to make sex memorable or believe you expect sexual "extras." She also may not enjoy sex as much as you do, and it's possible you over-romanticize the moment and have unrealistic expectations.
No matter how delicate, it is best to discuss these issues before marriage, especially if they are deal-breakers. Good luck.
Dear Annie: You recently printed a letter about "Sue," the hard worker whose boss rewarded her by insisting she attend a company dinner. Sue was so unnerved that she quit. You may be right that Sue has anxiety attacks, but here's my opinion:
I, too, cringe at the thought of after-hours gatherings with co-workers. I commute over an hour to and from work. As a wife and mother, my evenings and weekends are full of other obligations. After a long day on the job, I am just plain tired. Even a "reward dinner" is just one more thing to do.
If Sue's employer wants to reward her, how about a bonus or a paid day off? I know that's something I would appreciate. -- Mary in Pennsylvania
Dear Mary: You weren't the only one who said employees appreciate money more than any other "gift" from their employers. Bosses, take note.
Dear Annie: My husband retired two years ago. I have several friends whose husbands also are retired, and we are looking for some kind of support group. This is a difficult time for many spouses. Most of the information available suggests that we continue to coddle our husbands, while our feelings do not seem to be important.
After years of dedicated support and ever-present concern, it is vital that we now have help. Any information would be appreciated. -- Grosse Point, Mich.
Dear Grosse Point: We searched for a national support group for spouses of retirees, but came up empty. (Readers, if you know of one, tell us.) Meanwhile, consider starting your own. Someone has to be the first. If you get a group up and running, please write, and we'll make sure our readers hear about it. Good luck.