Unwelcoming brother

Unwelcoming brother





Dear Annie: My elderly parents just left after an eight-day visit. I live 100 miles away from my folks, and invited them to stay with us while their bathroom and kitchen are being renovated. They will now be staying with my sister for a week.

After talking to Mom, I learned that the dust from the construction was so suffocating that my parents spent most of their days sitting in their car in the driveway. They did go for brief visits with friends, but still, the majority of the time was spent sitting in the car, from 7 a.m. until nighttime.

What upsets me is that I have a brother who lives two miles away from my parents and knew of their situation, yet never invited them to stay in his home for even a few hours during the day. I'm so mad at my brother right now I am seeing red, and I am tempted to call him up and give him a piece of my mind.

It also became clear during their visit that my father is ready for a nursing home. He can't see, hear or walk well; he forgets where he is and falls down frequently. My father, of course, won't acknowledge his problems. My siblings know Dad is not doing well, but they think Mom can manage him. In fact, I know that Mom can't take it much longer.

How do you get someone into a nursing home who doesn't want to be there? And should I call my brother and read him the riot act? -- Angry Sister in Wisconsin

Dear Angry Sister: The decision about your father's care should be made by your mother, you and your siblings, together. It's possible your father can receive care at home, at least for a while. Your mother can contact Eldercare at 1-800-677-1116 (www.eldercare.gov) or seek guidance from a private geriatric care specialist.

As for your brother, you can read him the riot act, but it probably won't make any difference. If the construction is still going on, why not call your brother and suggest outright that he invite Mom and Dad over for the afternoon on a specific day? He might surprise you. And if not, at least you'll hear it from his own lips.

Dear Annie: We have a cousin who feels entitled to say horrid, accusatory things to others, and then expects the target to forget her verbal blasts and be jolly chums when they meet again. "Nancy" doesn't understand that harsh words can never be unspoken, although a simple "I'm sorry" would undo much of the sting.

It's sad to see how many family members she has estranged and how isolated she is becoming. When we talk to Nancy about her behavior, she lashes out, blaming everyone else for her unhappiness. Perhaps you will tell her that she is hurting herself by her rudeness and that apologies open doors to forgiveness. We want Nancy back in our family, but without the poison apple. -- Life is Short

Dear Life is Short: Nancy's inability to recognize the destructive aspects of her behavior indicates she may be a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic. Since you want to salvage the relationship, you might say to her, "Sometimes you seem so angry. We love you and want you to be happy. Perhaps it would help if you talked to someone." If she seems agreeable, have the name of a therapist handy.