PART 5 // chapter 4-1

[모나리자]

라스콜니코프는 루진에 맞서 소냐를 위해 힘차고 적극적으로 옹호했지만, 자신의 마음속에는 엄청난 공포와 괴로움이 있었다. 하지만 아침에 너무 많은 일을 겪은 그는 소냐를 변호하게 만든 강한 개인적 감정과는 별개로, 감각의 변화에서 일종의 안도감을 느꼈다.

그는 특히 어떤 순간에는 소냐와의 면담이 다가온다는 생각에 흥분했다. 그는 리자베타를 죽인 사람이 누구인지 그녀에게 말해야 했다. 그는 그것이 자신에게 얼마나 끔찍한 고통을 줄지 알았고, 마치 그 생각을 떨쳐버린 것처럼 보였다. 그래서 카테리나 이바노브나의 집을 나서면서 "글쎄, 소피아 세묘노브나, 이제 뭐라고 말할지 보자!"라고 외쳤을 때, 그는 여전히 겉으로는 흥분했고, 루진에 대한 승리로 여전히 활기차고 도전적이었다.

하지만 이상하게도 소냐의 숙소에 도착했을 때, 그는 갑자기 무력감과 두려움을 느꼈다. 그는 문 앞에서 주저하며 서서 자신에게 이상한 질문을 던졌다. "리자베타를 죽인 사람이 누구인지 말해야 할까?" 이상한 질문이었다. 그는 그때 그녀에게 말하지 않을 수 없을 뿐만 아니라 말하는 것을 미룰 수 없다고 느꼈기 때문이다. 그는 왜 그래야 하는지 아직 몰랐지만, 그저 느꼈을 뿐이고, 불가피한 일 앞에서 무력감에 시달리면서 거의 무너질 뻔했다.

주저함과 고통을 줄이기 위해 그는 재빨리 문을 열고 문간에서 소냐를 바라보았다. 그녀는 팔꿈치를 테이블에 얹고 얼굴을 손에 움켜쥐고 앉아 있었지만, 라스콜니코프를 보고는 마치 그를 기다리고 있는 것처럼 즉시 일어나 그를 맞이했다. "당신이 없었다면 나는 어떻게 되었을까?" 그녀는 재빨리 말하며

방 한가운데에서 그를 만났다. 분명히 그녀는 그에게 이 말을 서둘러서 한 것이다. 그녀가 기다리던 일이었다.

라스콜니코프는 테이블로 가서 방금 일어난 의자에 앉았다. 그녀는 전날과 마찬가지로 두 걸음 떨어진 채 그를 마주보며 서 있었다. "글쎄, 소냐?" 그는 말했고, 그의 목소리가 떨리는 것을 느꼈다. "그건 다 '당신의 사회적 지위와 그것과 관련된 습관' 때문이에요. 방금 알았어?" 그녀의 얼굴에는 괴로움이 드러났다. "어제처럼 나한테 말하지 마세요." 그녀가 그의 말을 가로채며 말했다. "제발 시작하지 마세요. 그것만으로도 충분히 비참한데." 그녀는 그가 그 비난을 좋아하지 않을까봐 서둘러 미소를 지었다.

"거기서 떠나는 게 어리석었어요. 지금 거기서 무슨 일이 일어나고 있는 거지? 바로 돌아가고 싶었지만, 계속... 당신이 올 거라고 생각했어요." 그는 아말리아 이바노브나가 그들을 숙소에서 쫓아내고 있고 카테리나 이바노브나가 "정의를 구하기 위해" 어딘가로 도망쳤다고 그녀에게 말했다. "맙소사!" 소냐가 소리쳤다. "당장 가자..." 그리고 그녀는 망토를 움켜쥐었다. "영원히 똑같은 거야!" 라스콜니코프가 짜증내며 말했다. "당신은 그들을 제외하고는 아무 생각도 없어!" "조금만 더 있어줘." "하지만... 카테리나 이바노브나?"

"카테리나 이바노브나를 잃지 않을 거야, 틀림없어. 그녀가 다 떨어졌으니까 너한테 직접 올 거야." 그는 짜증내며 덧붙였다. "그녀가 여기서 널 찾지 못하면, 네가 그 탓을 하게 될 거야..." 소냐는 고통스러운 긴장감에 앉았다. 라스콜니코프는 아무 말도 하지 않고 바닥을 바라보며 고민했다. "이번에 루진은 널 기소하고 싶어하지 않았어." 그는 소냐를 보지 않고 말을 시작했다. "하지만 그가 원했다면, 그의 계획에 맞았다면, 레베지아트니코프와 내가 아니었다면 그는 널 감옥에 보냈을 거야.

아?" "네." 그녀는 희미한 목소리로 동의했다. "네." 그녀는 반복해서 말하며, 걱정스럽고 괴로워했다. "하지만 내가 거기에 있지 않았을 수도 있었어. 그리고 레베지아트니코프가 나타난 건 정말 우연이었어." 소냐는 침묵했다. "그리고 감옥에 갔다면, 그럼 어떡해? 어제 내가 한 말 기억나?" 그녀는 다시 대답하지 않았다. 그는 기다렸다. "네가 또 '말하지 마, 그만둬'라고 소리칠 줄 알았어."

라스콜니코프는 웃음을 터뜨렸지만, 억지로 웃었다. "뭐, 또 침묵이야?" 그는 1분 후에 물었다. "뭔가 이야기해야 할 것 같아. 레베지아트니코프가 말하듯이 네가 어떤 '문제'를 어떻게 결정할지 알아보는 게 흥미로울 거야." (그는 주제를 잃기 시작했다.) "아니, 정말이야. 진지해. 소냐, 네가 루진의 모든 의도를 미리 알고 있었다고 생각해 봐.

카테리나 이바노브나와 아이들, 그리고 당신 자신을 포함해서 파멸시킬 것이라는 사실은 이미 알려져 있습니다. 폴렌카도 마찬가지입니다. 그녀도 같은 길을 갈 테니까요. 글쎄요, 만약 갑자기 모든 것이 당신의 결정에 달려 있다면, 즉 루진이 계속 살아가면서 사악한 짓을 해야 하는지, 아니면 카테리나 이바노브나가 죽어야 하는지 말입니다. 당신은 그들 중 누가 죽을지 어떻게 결정하겠습니까? 제가 묻겠습니다." 소냐는 불안한 표정으로 그를 바라보았습니다. 이 망설이는 질문에는 뭔가 이상한 것이 있었는데, 그것은 마치 우회적으로 무언가에 접근하는 것 같았습니다.

"당신이 그런 질문을 할 것 같다고 느꼈어요." 그녀가 그를 호기심 어린 눈으로 바라보며 말했습니다. "그럴 거라고 감히 말할 수 있어요. 하지만 어떻게 대답할 수 있을까요?" "왜 일어날 수 없는 일에 대해 묻는 거예요?" 소냐가 마지못해 말했습니다. "그럼 루진이 계속 살아가면서 사악한 짓을 하는 게 나을 거예요? 당신은 감히 그런 결정조차 내리지 못했어요!" "하지만 나는 신의 섭리를 알 수 없어... 그리고 왜 대답할 수 없는 것을 묻는 거야? 그런 ​​어리석은 질문의 소용이 뭐야?

어떻게 내 결정에 달려 있을 수 있지? 누가 나를 누가 살아야 하고 누가 살지 말아야 하는지 결정하는 판사로 만들었어?" "아, 신의 섭리가 개입된다면 아무것도 할 수 없어." 라스콜니코프가 우울하게 투덜거렸다. "원하는 대로 똑바로 말하는 게 낫겠어!" 소냐가 괴로워하며 소리쳤다. "또 뭔가를 이끌어내고 있어... 그냥 나를 고문하려고 온 거야?"

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CHAPTER IV

Raskolnikov had been a vigorous and active champion of Sonia against Luzhin, although he had such a load of horror and anguish in his own heart. But having gone through so much in the morning, he found a sort of relief in a change of sensations, apart from the strong personal feeling which impelled him to defend Sonia.

He was agitated too, especially at some moments, by the thought of his approaching interview with Sonia: he had to tell her who had killed Lizaveta. He knew the terrible suffering it would be to him and, as it were, brushed away the thought of it. So when he cried as he left Katerina Ivanovna’s, “Well, Sofya Semyonovna, we shall see what you’ll say now!” he was still superficially excited, still vigorous and defiant from his triumph over Luzhin.

But, strange to say, by the time he reached Sonia’s lodging, he felt a sudden impotence and fear. He stood still in hesitation at the door, asking himself the strange question: “Must he tell her who killed Lizaveta?” It was a strange question because he felt at the very time not only that he could not help telling her, but also that he could not put off the telling. He did not yet know why it must be so, he only felt it, and the agonising sense of his impotence before the inevitable almost crushed him.

To cut short his hesitation and suffering, he quickly opened the door and looked at Sonia from the doorway. She was sitting with her elbows on the table and her face in her hands, but seeing Raskolnikov she got up at once and came to meet him as though she were expecting him. “What would have become of me but for you?” she said quickly, meeting

him in the middle of the room. Evidently she was in haste to say this to him. It was what she had been waiting for.

Raskolnikov went to the table and sat down on the chair from which she had only just risen. She stood facing him, two steps away, just as she had done the day before. “Well, Sonia?” he said, and felt that his voice was trembling, “it was all due to ‘your social position and the habits associated with it.’ Did you understand that just now?” Her face showed her distress. “Only don’t talk to me as you did yesterday,” she interrupted him. “Please don’t begin it. There is misery enough without that.” She made haste to smile, afraid that he might not like the reproach.

“I was silly to come away from there. What is happening there now? I wanted to go back directly, but I kept thinking that... you would come.” He told her that Amalia Ivanovna was turning them out of their lodging and that Katerina Ivanovna had run off somewhere “to seek justice.” “My God!” cried Sonia, “let’s go at once....” And she snatched up her cape. “It’s everlastingly the same thing!” said Raskolnikov, irritably. “You’ve no thought except for them! Stay a little with me.” “But... Katerina Ivanovna?”

“You won’t lose Katerina Ivanovna, you may be sure, she’ll come to you herself since she has run out,” he added peevishly. “If she doesn’t find you here, you’ll be blamed for it....” Sonia sat down in painful suspense. Raskolnikov was silent, gazing at the floor and deliberating. “This time Luzhin did not want to prosecute you,” he began, not looking at Sonia, “but if he had wanted to, if it had suited his plans, he would have sent you to prison if it had not been for Lebeziatnikov and me.

Ah?” “Yes,” she assented in a faint voice. “Yes,” she repeated, preoccupied and distressed. “But I might easily not have been there. And it was quite an accident Lebeziatnikov’s turning up.” Sonia was silent. “And if you’d gone to prison, what then? Do you remember what I said yesterday?” Again she did not answer. He waited. “I thought you would cry out again ‘don’t speak of it, leave off.’”

Raskolnikov gave a laugh, but rather a forced one. “What, silence again?” he asked a minute later. “We must talk about something, you know. It would be interesting for me to know how you would decide a certain ‘problem’ as Lebeziatnikov would say.” (He was beginning to lose the thread.) “No, really, I am serious. Imagine, Sonia, that you had known all Luzhin’s intentions beforehand.

Known, that is, for a fact, that they would be the ruin of Katerina Ivanovna and the children and yourself thrown in—since you don’t count yourself for anything—Polenka too... for she’ll go the same way. Well, if suddenly it all depended on your decision whether he or they should go on living, that is whether Luzhin should go on living and doing wicked things, or Katerina Ivanovna should die? How would you decide which of them was to die? I ask you?” Sonia looked uneasily at him. There was something peculiar in this hesitating question, which seemed approaching something in a roundabout way.

“I felt that you were going to ask some question like that,” she said, looking inquisitively at him. “I dare say you did. But how is it to be answered?” “Why do you ask about what could not happen?” said Sonia reluctantly. “Then it would be better for Luzhin to go on living and doing wicked things? You haven’t dared to decide even that!” “But I can’t know the Divine Providence.... And why do you ask what can’t be answered? What’s the use of such foolish questions?

How could it happen that it should depend on my decision—who has made me a judge to decide who is to live and who is not to live?” “Oh, if the Divine Providence is to be mixed up in it, there is no doing anything,” Raskolnikov grumbled morosely. “You’d better say straight out what you want!” Sonia cried in distress. “You are leading up to something again.... Can you have come simply to torture me?”