첫사랑(First love)

[김창현]

1)첫사랑이란 무엇일까? 봄 언덕 스쳐간 한줄기 바람이었을까? 가을 강 비치던 한줄기 달빛이었을까? 사람들은 흔히 진주(晉州)를 아름다운 고장이라고 말한다. 남강이 아름답고 촉석루가 아름답다고 한다. 그 아름다운 전원도시에서 성장한 한 소년의 첫사랑을 소개한다. 
소년은 고등학교 일 학년 때 소녀를 만났다. 초등학교 졸업한 지 4년 만의 동창회에서다. 피차 열일곱 살이었다. 소녀들은 젖가슴이 작은 풋복숭아처럼  불룩해지는 참이었고, 여성 특유의 꽃봉오리 같은 몸매가 나타나고 있었다. 이성에 대한 미묘한 느낌 때문이었을 것이다. 남학생을 곁눈질하면서 공연히 얼굴 붉히거나 혼자 웃기도 했다. 소년들은 줄리엣을 사랑한 열일곱 살 로미오 같은 때다. 간혹 어른스럽게 보이려고 담배를 입에 물고 있었다. 코밑수염이 나기 시작했고, 교복은 어깨에 심을 넣었고, 모자챙은 손때가 묻어 반질반질했다. 번데기가 나비로 우화 되는 바로 그런 시기였다.
여학생들 중에 가장 눈에 띄는 존재는 운동 잘하던 정란이와 전자인데, 정란이는 조숙하여 벌써 처녀티가 났고, 전자는 누군가와 밤에 만난다는 소문이 있었다. 그러나 내 눈은 한구석에 조용히 앉아있던 한 소녀에게 못박혀버리고 말았다. 그는 도브의 샘가에 핀 한 떨기 수선화 같았다. 투루게네프의 '첫사랑'이나 괴테의 '젊은 베르테르의 슬픔'의 여주인공 같았다. 곁의 소녀들과 전혀 다른 기품이 있어 명작 속의 소녀 같았다. 그의 눈은 고요한 알프스 호수 같았고, 머리칼은 들국화 핀 강언덕을 달려오던 제니 같았다. 아마 이때 큐피드가 나의 심장을 화살로 명중시켰을 것이다. 나는 살 맞은 표범처럼 갑자기 수십만 볼트의 엄청난 전류가 내 몸을 짜릿짜릿하게 흘러가는 감을 느꼈다. 첫사랑을 만난 그 짜릿하고 감미로운 처음 충격이었다. 
그날 나는 다른 건 아무 것도 기억나지 않는다. 동창 중에 누가 지명을 받고 교단에 올라가 노래를 불렀고, 친구들끼리 무슨 말이 오갔는지, 어떻게 동창회가 끝났는지 나는 모른다. 나는 '지나이다'를 사모한 '페트로비치'가 되었고, '샤롯테'를 사랑한 젊은 ‘베르테르’가 되었다. 내 신경이란 신경은 오직 혜정이에게만 집중되었다. 아무리 사소한 것이라 할지라도 혜정이의 동작 하나하나는 내 마음을 민감한 악기의 현처럼 바르르 바르르 떨리게 했다. 나는 극도로 흥분하여 더 이상 교실에 앉아있을 수 없었다. 밖에 나가  감나무에 기대어 쿵쾅거리는 심장의 고동소리를 달랬다. 그러다 언제 동창회가 끝났는지 모른다.  먼발치에서 꿈결처럼 혜정이가 떠나가는 모습을 지켜만 보고 있었다. 

What is first love? Was it a gust of wind brushing past a spring hill? Or was it a ray of moonlight reflecting on an autumn river? People often say that Jinju is a beautiful place. They say the Nam River is beautiful and Chokseok Pavilion is beautiful. Here, I introduce the first love of a boy who grew up in this beautiful rural city.
The boy met the girl when he was in his first year of high school. It was at a reunion four years after graduating from elementary school. Both were seventeen years old. The girls were just beginning to develop the small, peach-like curves of their breasts, and their bodies were starting to show the flower bud-like shapes unique to women. It must have been due to the subtle feelings toward the opposite sex. They would blush or laugh alone while glancing sideways at the boys. The boys were like seventeen-year-old Romeos who loved Juliet. Some tried to appear mature by holding cigarettes in their mouths. They had started to grow mustaches, their uniforms had padded shoulders, and the brims of their hats were shiny from wear. It was the time when caterpillars transform into butterflies.
Among the girls, the most noticeable were Jeongran and Jeonja, who were good at sports. Jeongran was already mature and showed signs of being a young woman, while Jeonja was rumored to meet someone at night. However, my eyes were fixed on a girl quietly sitting in a corner. She was like a daffodil blooming by Dove's spring. She resembled the heroines of Turgenev's 'First Love' or Goethe's 'The Sorrows of Young Werther.' She had a dignity entirely different from the other girls, like a girl from a masterpiece. Her eyes were like a serene Alpine lake, and her hair was like Jenny running along a riverbank where wildflowers bloomed. Perhaps Cupid struck my heart with an arrow at that moment. I felt as if a massive electric current of tens of thousands of volts was flowing through my body like a leopard hit by a bullet. It was the thrilling and sweet first shock of meeting my first love.
That day, I don't remember anything else. I don't know who was called to the podium to sing, what conversations took place among friends, or how the reunion ended. I became 'Petrovich' who adored 'Zinaida' and the young 'Werther' who loved 'Charlotte.' All my nerves were focused solely on Hyejeong. Every single movement of Hyejeong, no matter how trivial, made my heart tremble like the sensitive strings of an instrument. I was so excited that I couldn't sit in the classroom any longer. I went outside and leaned against a persimmon tree to calm the pounding sound of my heart. I don't know when the reunion ended. I just watched Hyejeong leave from a distance as if in a dream.

2)그날 밤부터 나는 혜정이네 집 근처로 날라간 한 마리 나이팅게일 새가 되었다. 떨리는 음성으로 세레나데를 부르기 시작했다. 첫 곡은 도입부가 저음의 바리톤으로 시작되는 '불 밝던 창'이라는 노래다. '불 밝던 창에 어둠 가득 찼네. 내 사랑 넨나 병든 그때부터, 그의 언니 울며 내게 전한 말은, 내 넨나 죽어 땅에 묻힌 것...' 두 번째 곡은 엘비스 프레슬리의 'Love me tender'다. ‘당신을 나의 것이라고 말해줘요. 부드럽게 날 사랑해줘요’. 나는 지금도 진주 농대 학장 관사의 담 넘에서 불렀던 그 두 곡을 원어로 부를 수 있다. 진주의 그 어느 소녀도 혜정이처럼 밤마다 그렇게 많은 세레나데를 들으면서 성장한 소녀는 없을 것이다.
혜정이가 살던 집 울타리엔 봄에 하얀 탱자꽃이 피고, 가을엔 노란 탱자가 열렸다. 우물이 있었는데, 달밤의 우물가 소녀는 얼마나 아름답던가. 나는 혜정이를 생각하며 망경산 정상의 바위에다 '크리스티나 로젯티'의 시를 새겨놓았다. 'When I'm dead my Dearest, sing no sad song for me(내 죽거든 임이여 슬픈 노래는 부르지 마오). Plant thou no roses at my head, Nor shady cypress tree(장미도 심지말고, 그늘지는 사이프러스 나무도 심지 마오.) 내가 그 아래 주약동 보리밭에서 들려오던 뻐꾸기 울음 소릴 들으면서 혼자서 손에 피멍 들어가며 못으로 새긴 그 바위는 이제 없어져버렸다. 사람들이 봉수대를 세우면서 바위를 폭파하여 축대로 만들어 버렸기 때문이다. 
 

From that night, I became a nightingale flying near Hyejeong's house. I started singing serenades with a trembling voice. The first song was 'The Bright Window,' which begins with a low baritone in the introduction. 'The bright window is filled with darkness. My love Nenna has been ill since then. Her sister cried and told me that my Nenna had died and was buried in the ground...' The second song was Elvis Presley's 'Love Me Tender.' 'Tell me you're mine. Love me tenderly.' Even now, I can sing those two songs in their original language, which I sang over the wall of the dean's residence at Jinju Agricultural College. No girl in Jinju grew up hearing as many serenades every night as Hyejeong did.
The fence around Hyejeong's house bloomed with white tangerine flowers in spring and bore yellow tangerines in autumn. There was a well, and the girl by the well under the moonlight was so beautiful. Thinking of Hyejeong, I carved Christina Rossetti's poem on a rock at the top of Mangyeong Mountain. 'When I'm dead, my dearest, sing no sad song for me. Plant thou no roses at my head, nor shady cypress tree.' The rock I carved with my hands, listening to the cuckoo's cry from the barley field below, is now gone. It was blown up and used as a foundation stone when people built a beacon.

3)사랑의 감정이 싹틀 때 진주는 못견디도록 아름다운 도시다. 봄철 신안동 들판에 아지랑이가 피어오르는 것을 보면, '너우니' 버들숲에 은어가 힘차게 꼬리 치며 올라오는 것을 보면, 바람이 당미언덕 벚꽃을 부드럽게 쓰다듬어 주고 가는 것을 보면, 칠암동 대밭에 달빛이 어린 것을 보면, 진주 소년은 어느새 시인이 된다. 촉석공원 벤치에 낙엽이 날아가는 것을 보면서, 뒤벼리 절벽 위에 황혼이 내리는 것을 보면서, 지드의 '좁은 문'을 읽고 산책 나가서 대문에 파란 페인트 칠한 과수원집 소녀가 붉은 바탕에 검은 반점이 찍힌 산나리 꽃 옆에 서있는 걸 보면서, 진주 소년은 다정다감한 청년으로 성장한다. 안개 덮인 서장대에서 들려오던 남인수 노래를 따라 부르고, 이봉조의 쎅스폰 소리를 들으면서 진주 소년은 자란다. 그래서 진주 사람은 거짓말을 업으로 삼는 국회의원조차 감성이 풍부하다. 

When the feeling of love sprouts, Jinju becomes an unbearably beautiful city. Seeing the haze rise from the fields of Sinan-dong in spring, seeing the silver fish energetically tailing up the willow forest of Neouni, feeling the wind gently caress the cherry blossoms on Dangmi Hill, seeing the moonlight on the bamboo forest of Chilam-dong, a Jinju boy becomes a poet. Watching the leaves fly on the benches of Chokseok Park, seeing the twilight fall on the cliff of Dwi Byeori, reading Gide's 'The Narrow Door' and going for a walk, seeing a girl from an orchard house with a blue-painted gate standing next to a lily flower with black spots on a red background, a Jinju boy grows into a tender-hearted young man. Singing along to Nam In-soo's songs heard from the fog-covered Seojangdae, listening to Lee Bong-jo's saxophone sounds, a Jinju boy grows up. That's why even Jinju people, including members of the National Assembly who make lying their profession, are rich in emotions.

4)당시 혜정이는 어떤 편이냐 하면, 내가 밤마다 자기 집 탱자울 앞에 와서 세레나데 부른 그 남학생인건 아는 눈치였다. 그를 찬미하는 남학생이 있다는 건 소녀로선 우쭐한 일이고, 세상 무엇보다 달콤한 비밀이었을 것이다. 수줍은 소녀지만 한번 얼굴을 보고 싶은 유혹도 있었을 것이다. 등교 때 다리 위에서 살짝 뒤를 돌아보곤 했다. 나는 그 때문에 또 얼마나 실낱같이 가는 용기를 얻고 흥분했던가. 나는 혜정이 옆에 나란히 걸어갈 수 있던 혜정이 친구 영자가 그렇게 부러울 수 없었다. 나는 학생들이 유등(流燈)을 띄우던 개천예술제 밤 남강변 인파 속을 얼마나 쏘다녔던가. 혹시나 혜정이를 만날 수 있을까 싶어서였다. 
그때 나는 어떤 편이냐 하면 어깨가 떡 벌어진 건장한 소년장사였다. 나는 초등학교 때부터 백미터 육상선수였다. 고교 때는 투창, 투 원판, 넓이 띄기, 백 미터 선수였다. 공부도 잘했고 성격도 명랑했다. 쉬는 시간에 교단에 올라가 미치밀러 합창단의 부드러운 목소리 흉내 내면서, 'The sun shines bright in the old Kentucky home', '켄터키 옛집'이나, 'Way down upon the Swanee river', '스와니 강의 추억'을 원어로 잘 불렀던 사람은 나중에 뉴욕에서 의사 한 우영이와 나 밖에 없었다. 그런데 운동이라면 운동, 공부라면 공부, 양수겸장이던 내가 혜정이 앞에만 가면 꼼짝을 못 했다. 나는 짚씨 여인 '에스메랄다'를 사모한 노트르담의 꼽추 콰지모도였다. 두 방망이 치는 가슴을 태우는 젊은 베르테르였고, 가면무도회에서 줄리엩을 만난 몬테규 가의 로미오였다.

At that time, Hyejeong seemed to know that the boy who came to sing serenades every night in front of her house was me. For a girl, having a boy admire her is a proud and sweet secret. Although she was a shy girl, she might have been tempted to see me once. She would glance back slightly while crossing the bridge on her way to school. Because of that, I gained a thread-like courage and excitement. I envied Hyejeong's friend Youngja, who could walk side by side with her. I wandered along the Nam River during the night of the stream art festival when students floated lanterns, hoping to meet Hyejeong.
At that time, I was a robust boy with broad shoulders. I had been a 100-meter track athlete since elementary school. In high school, I was an athlete in javelin throw, discus throw, long jump, and 100-meter sprint. I was good at studying and had a cheerful personality. During breaks, I would go up to the podium and imitate the soft voices of the Mitch Miller Choir, singing 'The sun shines bright in the old Kentucky home,' 'My Old Kentucky Home,' or 'Way down upon the Swanee River,' 'Swanee River' in their original language. Later, only Woo Young, a doctor in New York, and I could sing those songs in their original language. However, I couldn't do anything in front of Hyejeong. I was Quasimodo, the hunchback of Notre Dame, who adored the gypsy woman 'Esmeralda.' I was the young Werther, whose heart burned with passion, and Romeo of the Montague family, who met Juliet at the masquerade ball.

5)그 속에 나는 혜정이에게 보낼 편지 인용구를 찾기 위해 얼마나 많은 책을 읽었던가. 혜정이에게 보낼 편지에 그럴듯한 문구를 찾기 위해 나는 연애소설은 물론 그 나이에 이해하기 어려운 책도 많이 읽었다. 투르게네프의 '첫사랑'과 '짝사랑',  헬만헷세의 '페터 카멘친트'와 '데미안', 앙드레 지드의 '좁은 문'과 '전원 교향악',  셰익스피어의 '로미오와 줄리엣'과 '햄릿',  사머셑모음의 '인간의 굴레'와 '달과 6펜스', 토마스 하디의 '테스',  에밀리 부론테의 '폭풍의 언덕',  모파상의 '여자의 일생',  듀마 휴이스의 '춘희', 그 밖에 톨스토이, 토스토에프스키, 괴테, 룻소, 빅톨 유고의 책을 읽었다.
그 당시 얼마나 많은 책 속의 여인이 혜정이었던가. 혜정이는 매번 '아쌰', '잔느', '줄리엩', '테스', '넨나'로 바뀌었고, 나는 매번 그 상대 남자였다. 나는 명작 속 혜정이를 만났고, 명작 속 사랑의 아픔을 느끼곤 했다. 수많은 편지가 만들어졌고, 밤마다 혜정이네 담 너머로 던져졌다. 달을 보고, 구름을 보고, 강을 보고, 산을 보고, 책을 읽거나, 음악을 들은 그 모든 감정이 편지에 담겼다.

In those days, I read many books to find quotes for letters to Hyejeong. To find suitable phrases for letters to Hyejeong, I read not only romance novels but also books that were difficult to understand at that age. Turgenev's 'First Love' and 'Asya,' Hermann Hesse's 'Peter Camenzind' and 'Demian,' Andre Gide's 'The Narrow Door' and 'Pastoral Symphony,' Shakespeare's 'Romeo and Juliet' and 'Hamlet,' Somerset Maugham's 'Of Human Bondage' and 'The Moon and Sixpence,' Thomas Hardy's 'Tess of the d'Urbervilles,' Emily Bronte's 'Wuthering Heights,' Maupassant's 'A Woman's Life,' Dumas' 'La Dame aux Camélias,' and other books by Tolstoy, Dostoevsky, Goethe, Rousseau, and Victor Hugo.
At that time, how many women in books were Hyejeong? Hyejeong was always 'Asya,' 'Jeanne,' 'Juliet,' 'Tess,' and 'Nenna,' and I was always the man opposite her. I met Hyejeong in masterpieces and felt the pain of love in masterpieces. Countless letters were created and thrown over the wall of Hyejeong's house every night. Looking at the moon, clouds, river, mountains, reading books, or listening to music, all those emotions were contained in the letters.

6)어느덧 나는 신체 건강한 소년에서 사랑의 몸살을 앓는 몽상가로 변해갔다. 간혹 편지 대신에 담 너머로 꽃을 던지기도 했다. 그 꽃은 사람이 갈 수 없는 망진산 험한 절벽에서 꺾어온 것이다. 진주의 그 어느 소녀도 그런 위험한 절벽에서 꺾어온 꽃을 그렇게 자주 선물 받은 사람은 없었을 것이다.
그 당시 내 일기장이 지금도 내 서재 안 어디에 있는데, 성장하면서 글씨체가 바뀌고, 새로 배운 영어 단어 많이 인용한 그 일기장에는 망진산 절벽에다 굴을 파놓고 혜정이와 살고 싶었던 꿈이 적혀있다. 나는 '폭풍의 언덕' 남자주인공 히스크리프가 되고싶었고, 교수형 당한 에스메랄드를 껴안고 죽은 노트르담의 꼽추 콰지모도가 되고 싶었다. 한 소녀가 내 운명을 바꿔놓았다. 아마 나는 혜정이란 소녀를 만나지 않았다면 사대 체육과에 가고 평범한 체육선생이 되었을 것이다. 철학과 같은 델 가고, 나중에 신문기자가 되진 않았을 것이다. 그때 일기장은 고장 난 시계처럼 지금도 60년 전 시간에 멈춰 선 채 내 서재에 그대로 있다.  
나는 어떤 면에서 키엘케골의 '유혹자의 일기' 주인공 같았다. 사랑을 관념에서 시작해서 관념으로 끝낸 점에서 그렀다. 다른 친구들은 누군가 여학생과 사귀고 있었으나 학교에서 가장 체격 좋던 나는 혜정이한테는 말한마듸 건네지 못하고, 손 한번 잡아보지 못했다. 나는 목숨을 걸고 성주의 따님을 보호한 중세의 기사 같았으니, 공주님에게 목숨을 바칠 수 있지만 사랑은 고백할 수 없었다. 그건 나에겐 불경이었다. 

Before I knew it, I transformed from a healthy boy into a dreamer suffering from the illness of love. Sometimes, instead of letters, flowers were thrown over the wall. Those flowers were usually picked from the dangerous cliffs of Mangjin Mountain, where ordinary people couldn't go. No girl in Jinju received flowers picked from such dangerous cliffs as often as Hyejeong did.
My diary from that time is still somewhere in my study. In that diary, where my handwriting changed as I grew and where many newly learned English words were quoted, I wrote about my dream of living with Hyejeong in a cave dug into the cliffs of Mangjin Mountain. I wanted to be Heathcliff from 'Wuthering Heights,' Quasimodo from 'Notre Dame de Paris' who embraced Esmeralda and died, and a boy whose fate was changed by a girl named Hyejeong. If I hadn't met a girl named Hyejeong, I would have gone to the physical education department and become an ordinary physical education teacher. I wouldn't have gone to the philosophy department, and I wouldn't have become a newspaper journalist who writes later. That diary is still in my study, stopped at the time 60 years ago like a broken clock.
In some ways, I was like the protagonist in Kierkegaard's 'Diary of a Seducer.' I started love with an idea and ended it with an idea. Other friends were dating some girls. However, I, who was the most physically fit and brave at school, couldn't say a word to Hyejeong or hold her hand. I was like a medieval knight who risked his life to protect the daughter of a lord. I could dedicate my life to the princess, but I couldn't confess my love. That was sacrilege to me.

7)그러나 모든 턴넬은 끝이 있는 법. 혜정이에 대한 7년 짝사랑도 끝이 있었다. 그때 나는 항만사령부 229 자동차 대대 운전병이었다. 어느 날 혜정이 혼처가 정해졌다는 소식을 듣자 부랴부랴 휴가 얻어 그가 근무하던 문산초등학교로 찾아갔다. 그 당시 대학에서 미식축구 선수를 하다가 친구가 자살하자 군에 입대했던 나는 몸무게 80킬로 이고, 백미터 12초 기록을 가지고 있었다. 서울운동장 대학 미식축구 시합 발군의 성적 주인공으로 선배들과 종로 3가 음악실 쏘다녔고, 백운대 단합대회에서 막걸리 한 되를 마시어 '지리산 곰'이란 애칭도 얻었다. 친구가 자살하자 동반자살하려고 나는 사하라 사막에 주둔한 외인부대 같은 곳에 가려고 자원 입대했다. 실존주의 작가 알베르 까뮈의 ‘이방인’에 나오는 주인공 뭐르소 같은 자살을 원했다. 나는 자동차 대대 유일한 대학생 운전병이지만, 나는 내 GMC 23호 차에 자살용 실탄을 싣고 다녔고, 외출 나가서 서면 하이에리어 부대 근처 사창가 헌병을 구타하여 전 부산 지역 헌병대에 비상이 걸리게 했다.

However, every tunnel has an end. My seven-year unrequited love for Hyejeong also had an end. At that time, I was a driver in the 229th Automobile Battalion of the Port Command. When I heard the news that Hyejeong's marriage was arranged, I hurriedly took leave and went to visit her at Munsan Elementary School, where she worked. At that time, I was a college football player who joined the army after a friend committed suicide. I weighed 80 kilograms and had a record of 12 seconds in the 100-meter sprint. I was the star of the college football game at Seoul Stadium, wandering around music halls in Jongno 3-ga with seniors, and earned the nickname 'Jirisan Bear' at the Baekundae unity meeting by drinking a bottle of makgeolli. After my friend committed suicide, I wanted to commit suicide together and volunteered to join a place like the Foreign Legion stationed in the Sahara Desert. I wanted to die like Meursault, the protagonist in Albert Camus' 'The Stranger.' I was the only college student driver in the battalion, but I carried suicide bullets in my GMC 23 truck and caused an emergency in the entire Busan area military police by beating up military police near the High Area unit brothel during an outing.

8)그 와중에 혜정이의 혼처가 정해졌다는 소릴 듣고 나는 가만 있을 수 없었다. 성사 되던 실연 당하던 그건 내 운명이다. 혜정이를 만나 양단간 결단을 내려야 했다. 혜정이를 만나러 갔을 때 모습은 이랬다. 군복 상하의는 풀 먹여 빳빳이 다려 입었고, 모자의 병장 계급장은 광약으로 빤짝빤작 닦았고, 군화도 파리가 낙상할 정도로 매끄럽게 칠했다. 수송병과 빨간 머플러를 목에 걸쳤고, 어깨는 떡 벌어졌고, 허리는 잘록했고, 걷어올린 팔뚝은 구릿빛 근육에 덮여 있었다. 내 생전 그렇게 외모에 신경 쓴 일은 두 번 다시 없다.
문산초등학교 교정엔 푸라타나스 아래 빨간 고추잠자리들이 날아다니고 있었다. 작난감처럼 작게 느껴지던 아이들 철봉 옆에서 나는 하루 종일 화랑담배를 피우며 기다렸다. 이윽고 하학을 알리는 종이 딸랑딸랑 울리고 재잘거리는 아이들과 함께 퇴근하는 혜정이 모습을 볼 수 있었다. 혜정이는 '파계(破戒)'란 영화에 나오는 오도리 햅번 같았다. 수녀처럼 맑고 신성한 모습이라 곁의 촌스러운 다른 선생님과 전혀 달랐다. 그때 닦아가서 말을 걸었어야 했는데, 그러나 나는 그러지 못했다. 아이들과 다른 선생님이 옆에 있는데서 그러면 혜정이 품위를 손상시킨다고 생각했다. 그래 코스모스 하늘대는 신작로 길 따라가서 칙칙폭폭 매캐한 석탄 연기 품고 들어온 기차에 혜정이가 몸을 싣자 나도 몸을 실었다. 
차 안은 '오징어 땅콩이요!' '석간신문이요!' 행상들 소리 요란했고, 사실 이런 데서 통학생들은 여학생에게 편지를 전달하곤 했다. 그러나 나는 그러지 못한 것이, 중인환시 속에서 여선생에게 수작을 건네는 건 여성의 품위를 해친다고 생각했다. 그래 기차가 주약동 터널 안에 들어갔을 때를 기다렸다. 어둠 속에서 말을 건네려는 생각이었다. 그러나 막상 기차가 어둠 속을 지나갈 때는 나는 시간만 재고 있었다. 그러다가 기차가 쏜살같이 터널을 지나갔고 나는 타이밍을 놓치고 말았던 것이다.
사실 나는 대학 땐 미식축구 선수였고, 입대 후엔 하이 에리어 부대 사창가 깡패 군인이었다. 그러나 그게  무슨 소용이랴. 차가 진주역에 닿자 나는 후회하기 시작했다. 남자 사회에선 맹견 같던 내가, 혜정이 앞에만 가면 작아지는 그것이 문제였다. 지극했기에 말 못한 그것이 나의 비극이다. 당시 나에게 수소탄 같은 어떤 큰 충격 가할 수 있는 힘이 있었다면, 그건 어떤 물리적 외부의 힘이 아니라 가냘픈 수선화 같은 혜정이란 뇌관이었다. 신(神)은 내 몸 어딘가에 폭발을 일으키는 미묘한 장치를 심어놓았으니, 그 뇌관이 바로 혜정이었다. 

When I heard the news of Hyejeong's marriage arrangement, I couldn't stay still. Whether it succeeded or failed, it was my destiny. I had to meet Hyejeong and make a decision. When I went to meet Hyejeong, I looked like this. My military uniform was starched and neatly ironed, the sergeant rank on my hat was polished to shine, and my boots were polished so smooth that flies could slip off. I wore a red scarf from the transportation corps around my neck, my shoulders were broad, my waist was slim, and my rolled-up forearms were covered with bronze muscles. I never cared so much about my appearance in my life.
In the schoolyard of Munsan Elementary School, red dragonflies were flying under the platanus trees. I smoked Hwarang cigarettes all day by the children's horizontal bars, waiting. Eventually, the bell rang to signal the end of school, and I could see Hyejeong leaving with the chattering children. Hyejeong looked like Audrey Hepburn in the movie 'The Nun's Story.' She was pure and sacred, completely different from the other rustic teachers. I should have approached her and spoken to her then, but I didn't. I thought it would damage Hyejeong's dignity to do so in front of the children and other teachers. So I followed her along the cosmos-lined road to the train that arrived with smoky coal fumes.
In the train, vendors shouted, 'Squid peanuts!' 'Evening newspaper!' It was common for commuters to deliver letters to girls on the train. However, I couldn't do that because I thought it would harm the dignity of a female teacher to flirt in public. So I waited for the train to enter the tunnel at Juak-dong. I thought of speaking to her in the darkness. But when the train entered the darkness, I was just timing it. Then the train shot through the tunnel, and I missed the timing.
In fact, I was a college football player and a gangster soldier in the High Area unit brothel after enlisting. But what use was that? When the train reached Jinju Station, I started to regret it. In male society, I was like a fierce dog, but in front of Hyejeong, I became small. The fact that I couldn't speak because I was so devoted was my tragedy. At that time, if there had been some great external force to give me a shock, it wouldn't have been a physical force but a delicate daffodil-like fuse named Hyejeong. God had planted a subtle device in my body to cause an explosion, and that fuse was Hyejeong.

9)진주역 광장엔 승객 마중 나온 가족들과 여인숙 호객꾼들로 혼잡했다. 거길 지나가면 말을 걸기가 어려워지는데, 거기서도 나는 햄릿이었다. '잠시 시간 좀 내주세요.' 그 말 한 마듸 할 용기가 그렇게 어려웠다. 그런데 그때 이런 답답한 청년에게 신이 기적을 베풀어 주셨다. 망설이면서 내 자신에 대해 한없이 원망스럽던 생각을 하던 그때,  혜정이가 개찰구와 전혀 반대방향인 들판 쪽으로 걸어나갔다. 혜정이는 아마 진작 눈치를 채고 있었던 것 같다. 수업 시간 내내 운동장에서 자기를 기다리던 나를, 기차 안에서 옆에 와서 안절부절못하던 그 군인이 누군지 혜정이는 알았을 것이다. 고등학생 시절 밤마다 자기 집 앞에 와서 '불 밝던 창'을 부르고 '러브미 텐더'를 불렀던 그, 그가 K대 진학한 동창인 나인줄 알았던 모양이다. 기차에서 내린 혜정이가 개찰구와 반대방향으로 나간 그쪽은 들판이다. 다니는 사람이  없고, 노란 벼이삭이 늘어진 논길엔 메뚜기가 툭툭 튀는 길이다. 대지엔 감미로운 바람이 불고  산허리에는 황혼빛 노을이 짙어가고, 산기슭 외딴집 굴뚝에선 밥 짓는 연기가 하늘로 올라가고 있었다.

The square at Jinju Station was crowded with families meeting passengers and innkeepers soliciting guests. Passing through there made it difficult to speak, but even there, I was Hamlet. 'Could you spare a moment?' That one sentence was so hard to say. But then, God performed a miracle for this frustrated young man. While hesitating and feeling endlessly resentful of myself, Hyejeong walked toward the field, completely opposite the ticket gate. Hyejeong must have already noticed. She must have known that the soldier who waited for her all day in the schoolyard and fidgeted next to her on the train was me. She must have known that I was the K University graduate who sang 'The Bright Window' and 'Love Me Tender' in front of her house every night during high school. The direction Hyejeong walked after getting off the train was the field. There were no people, and the yellow rice ears drooped along the path where grasshoppers jumped. The land was filled with sweet wind, the sunset was deepening on the mountain ridge, and smoke from cooking rose from the chimney of a solitary house at the foot of the mountain.

10)벼가 익어가는 논길을 걸어가는 혜정이 모습은 밀레의 그림 '만종' 같았다. 이제 소녀 시대 끝난 혜정이는 사범 학생 시절의 순결하던 모습을 벗고 숙녀티가 배이고 있었다. 노을은 혜정이의 머릿결과 노란 벼이삭을 비치고 있었다. 거기서도 나는 차마 혜정이 곁에 닥아서지 못하고, 거리를 두고 뒤를 따라가고 있었는데, 그때 혜정이가 한 지점에서 멈춰섰다. 다가와서 뭔가 말을 해보라는 눈치였다. 지금도 기억나는 건 그 순간 내 몸을 뒤덮은 파도처럼 거대한 기쁨과 물결이다. 그런 형언하기 어려운 감동의 파도가 지나가자 그 다음에 예상치 못한 일이 일어났다.  갑자기 발이 허공을 밟은 듯 휘청거리고, 땅에서 강력한 지남철이 당기는 듯 그 자리에 못 박혀버렸다. 전신은 사시나무 떨듯 와들와들 떨렸고, 입속의 침은 마르고, 가슴은 쿵당쿵당 뛰었다. 혜정이에게 뭔가 말을 던져야겠다고 생각은 했으나, 목젖이 말라  마른침을 삼켜도 입에서 말이 나오질 않았다. 내 생전 그런 경우는 처음이었다. 나는 다만 쿵쾅거리는 나의 심장의 고동을 혜정이가 들을까 오히려 그것만 걱정하고 있었다.

Hyejeong walking along the rice field path with ripening rice looked like Millet's painting 'The Angelus.' Hyejeong, who had left her girlhood behind, now showed signs of being a lady. The sunset illuminated Hyejeong's hair and the yellow rice ears. Even there, I couldn't approach Hyejeong closely and followed her from a distance. Then, Hyejeong stopped at one point. She seemed to be signaling me to come and say something. Even now, I remember the wave of immense joy and emotion that swept over me at that moment. After that wave passed, something unexpected happened. Suddenly, my feet felt like they were stepping on air, and I staggered as if a strong magnet was pulling me to the ground. My whole body trembled like a shaking tree, my mouth dried up, and my heart pounded. I thought I should say something to Hyejeong, but my throat was dry, and no words came out. It was the first time in my life that I experienced such a situation. I was only worried that Hyejeong might hear the pounding of my heart.

11)사실 나는 혜정이를 만나기 전에 준비를 했다. 로미오가 줄리엣을 만나서 한 말, 베르테르가 롯데에게 한 말, 제롬이 마들렌에게 한 말을 미리 복습했었다. 그러나 다 무슨 소용이랴. 나는 벙어리가 되어 말을 할 수 없었다. 그런 속에서 혜정이는 처음에는 천천히 아주 천천히 걸어가더니 끝내 먼 동네 불빛 속으로 사라지고 말았다. 지금 생각하니, 그 가을 어둠 속에 밀레의 '만종'처럼 혜정이가 고개 숙이고 서있던 시간이 몇 초인지 모르겠고, 혜정이와 같이 들길을 걸은 시간이 몇 분인지 모르겠다. 좌우간 내 인생에서 가장 황홀하던 그 순간은 그렇게 지나갔고, 주변은 곧 어둠에 덮이고, 먼 동네 등불은 별처럼 깜박이기 시작했다. 나는 샤롯데에게 절교 선언 당한 베르테르처럼 절망한채, '모든 게 끝났다'는 허망을 느끼며 장승처럼 어둠 속에 언제까지 서있었다. 이렇게 나의 첫사랑은 끝났고 다시는 만날 수 없었다. 그는 유성에서 날아온 요정이었을까

. 한 여름밤 꿈이었을까. 그러나 손자까지 둔 지금 이 나이에도, 내 가슴속에는 황혼의 들판과, 어둠 속에 깜빡이던 마을의 등불과, 고개 숙이고 서있던 한 소녀의 모습이 천 권의 서사시보다 아름답게 새겨져 있다.

Actually, I had prepared myself before meeting Hyejeong. I had reviewed what Romeo said to Juliet, what Werther said to Lotte, and what Jerome said to Madeleine. But what was the use? I became speechless, unable to utter a word.

Hyejeong, in that moment, began walking slowly—very slowly—before finally disappearing into the distant village lights. Thinking back now, I do not know how many seconds she stood there with her head bowed, like Millet’s The Angelus, in the autumn darkness. Nor do I know how many minutes we walked together along the country path.

Anyway, that most exhilarating moment of my life passed just like that, the surroundings soon wrapped in darkness, and the distant village lights began to flicker like stars. I stood there, as despairing as Werther when he was rejected by Charlotte, feeling the emptiness of it’s all over, standing still like a wooden post in the darkness.

Thus, my first love ended, never to be met again. Was she a fairy that had flown in from a meteor? A midsummer night’s dream? Yet even now, at my age, with grandchildren of my own, the twilight fields, the village lights flickering in the darkness, and the image of a girl standing with her head bowed—those memories remain engraved in my heart, more beautiful than a thousand epic poems.

영어 원문

What is first love? Was it a gust of wind brushing past a spring hill? Or was it a ray of moonlight reflecting on an autumn river? People often say that Jinju is a beautiful place. They say the Nam River is beautiful and Chokseok Pavilion is beautiful. Here, I introduce the first love of a boy who grew up in this beautiful rural city.
The boy met the girl when he was in his first year of high school. It was at a reunion four years after graduating from elementary school. Both were seventeen years old. The girls were just beginning to develop the small, peach-like curves of their breasts, and their bodies were starting to show the flower bud-like shapes unique to women. It must have been due to the subtle feelings toward the opposite sex. They would blush or laugh alone while glancing sideways at the boys. The boys were like seventeen-year-old Romeos who loved Juliet. Some tried to appear mature by holding cigarettes in their mouths. They had started to grow mustaches, their uniforms had padded shoulders, and the brims of their hats were shiny from wear. It was the time when caterpillars transform into butterflies.
Among the girls, the most noticeable were Jeongran and Jeonja, who were good at sports. Jeongran was already mature and showed signs of being a young woman, while Jeonja was rumored to meet someone at night. However, my eyes were fixed on a girl quietly sitting in a corner. She was like a daffodil blooming by Dove's spring. She resembled the heroines of Turgenev's 'First Love' or Goethe's 'The Sorrows of Young Werther.' She had a dignity entirely different from the other girls, like a girl from a masterpiece. Her eyes were like a serene Alpine lake, and her hair was like Jenny running along a riverbank where wildflowers bloomed. Perhaps Cupid struck my heart with an arrow at that moment. I felt as if a massive electric current of tens of thousands of volts was flowing through my body like a leopard hit by a bullet. It was the thrilling and sweet first shock of meeting my first love.
That day, I don't remember anything else. I don't know who was called to the podium to sing, what conversations took place among friends, or how the reunion ended. I became 'Petrovich' who adored 'Zinaida' and the young 'Werther' who loved 'Charlotte.' All my nerves were focused solely on Hyejeong. Every single movement of Hyejeong, no matter how trivial, made my heart tremble like the sensitive strings of an instrument. I was so excited that I couldn't sit in the classroom any longer. I went outside and leaned against a persimmon tree to calm the pounding sound of my heart. I don't know when the reunion ended. I just watched Hyejeong leave from a distance as if in a dream.

From that night, I became a nightingale flying near Hyejeong's house. I started singing serenades with a trembling voice. The first song was 'The Bright Window,' which begins with a low baritone in the introduction. 'The bright window is filled with darkness. My love Nenna has been ill since then. Her sister cried and told me that my Nenna had died and was buried in the ground...' The second song was Elvis Presley's 'Love Me Tender.' 'Tell me you're mine. Love me tenderly.' Even now, I can sing those two songs in their original language, which I sang over the wall of the dean's residence at Jinju Agricultural College. No girl in Jinju grew up hearing as many serenades every night as Hyejeong did.
The fence around Hyejeong's house bloomed with white tangerine flowers in spring and bore yellow tangerines in autumn. There was a well, and the girl by the well under the moonlight was so beautiful. Thinking of Hyejeong, I carved Christina Rossetti's poem on a rock at the top of Mangyeong Mountain. 'When I'm dead, my dearest, sing no sad song for me. Plant thou no roses at my head, nor shady cypress tree.' The rock I carved with my hands, listening to the cuckoo's cry from the barley field below, is now gone. It was blown up and used as a foundation stone when people built a beacon.

When the feeling of love sprouts, Jinju becomes an unbearably beautiful city. Seeing the haze rise from the fields of Sinan-dong in spring, seeing the silver fish energetically tailing up the willow forest of Neouni, feeling the wind gently caress the cherry blossoms on Dangmi Hill, seeing the moonlight on the bamboo forest of Chilam-dong, a Jinju boy becomes a poet. Watching the leaves fly on the benches of Chokseok Park, seeing the twilight fall on the cliff of Dwi Byeori, reading Gide's 'The Narrow Door' and going for a walk, seeing a girl from an orchard house with a blue-painted gate standing next to a lily flower with black spots on a red background, a Jinju boy grows into a tender-hearted young man. Singing along to Nam In-soo's songs heard from the fog-covered Seojangdae, listening to Lee Bong-jo's saxophone sounds, a Jinju boy grows up. That's why even Jinju people, including members of the National Assembly who make lying their profession, are rich in emotions.

At that time, Hyejeong seemed to know that the boy who came to sing serenades every night in front of her house was me. For a girl, having a boy admire her is a proud and sweet secret. Although she was a shy girl, she might have been tempted to see me once. She would glance back slightly while crossing the bridge on her way to school. Because of that, I gained a thread-like courage and excitement. I envied Hyejeong's friend Youngja, who could walk side by side with her. I wandered along the Nam River during the night of the stream art festival when students floated lanterns, hoping to meet Hyejeong.
At that time, I was a robust boy with broad shoulders. I had been a 100-meter track athlete since elementary school. In high school, I was an athlete in javelin throw, discus throw, long jump, and 100-meter sprint. I was good at studying and had a cheerful personality. During breaks, I would go up to the podium and imitate the soft voices of the Mitch Miller Choir, singing 'The sun shines bright in the old Kentucky home,' 'My Old Kentucky Home,' or 'Way down upon the Swanee River,' 'Swanee River' in their original language. Later, only Woo Young Han, a doctor in New York, and I could sing those songs in their original language. However, I couldn't do anything in front of Hyejeong. I was Quasimodo, the hunchback of Notre Dame, who adored the gypsy woman 'Esmeralda.' I was the young Werther, whose heart burned with passion, and Romeo of the Montague family, who met Juliet at the masquerade ball.

In those days, I read many books to find quotes for letters to Hyejeong. To find suitable phrases for letters to Hyejeong, I read not only romance novels but also books that were difficult to understand at that age. Turgenev's 'First Love' and 'Asya,' Hermann Hesse's 'Peter Camenzind' and 'Demian,' Andre Gide's 'The Narrow Door' and 'Pastoral Symphony,' Shakespeare's 'Romeo and Juliet' and 'Hamlet,' Somerset Maugham's 'Of Human Bondage' and 'The Moon and Sixpence,' Thomas Hardy's 'Tess of the d'Urbervilles,' Emily Bronte's 'Wuthering Heights,' Maupassant's 'A Woman's Life,' Dumas' 'La Dame aux Camélias,' and other books by Tolstoy, Dostoevsky, Goethe, Rousseau, and Victor Hugo.
At that time, how many women in books were Hyejeong? Hyejeong was always 'Asya,' 'Jeanne,' 'Juliet,' 'Tess,' and 'Nenna,' and I was always the man opposite her. I met Hyejeong in masterpieces and felt the pain of love in masterpieces. Countless letters were created and thrown over the wall of Hyejeong's house every night. Looking at the moon, clouds, river, mountains, reading books, or listening to music, all those emotions were contained in the letters.

Before I knew it, I transformed from a healthy boy into a dreamer suffering from the illness of love. Sometimes, instead of letters, flowers were thrown over the wall. Those flowers were usually picked from the dangerous cliffs of Mangjin Mountain, where ordinary people couldn't go. No girl in Jinju received flowers picked from such dangerous cliffs as often as Hyejeong did.
My diary from that time is still somewhere in my study. In that diary, where my handwriting changed as I grew and where many newly learned English words were quoted, I wrote about my dream of living with Hyejeong in a cave dug into the cliffs of Mangjin Mountain. I wanted to be Heathcliff from 'Wuthering Heights,' Quasimodo from 'Notre Dame de Paris' who embraced Esmeralda and died, and a boy whose fate was changed by a girl named Hyejeong. If I hadn't met a girl named Hyejeong, I would have gone to the physical education department and become an ordinary physical education teacher. I wouldn't have gone to the philosophy department, and I wouldn't have become a newspaper journalist who writes later. That diary is still in my study, stopped at the time 60 years ago like a broken clock.
In some ways, I was like the protagonist in Kierkegaard's 'Diary of a Seducer.' I started love with an idea and ended it with an idea. Other friends were dating some girls. However, I, who was the most physically fit and brave at school, couldn't say a word to Hyejeong or hold her hand. I was like a medieval knight who risked his life to protect the daughter of a lord. I could dedicate my life to the princess, but I couldn't confess my love. That was sacrilege to me.

However, every tunnel has an end. My seven-year unrequited love for Hyejeong also had an end. At that time, I was a driver in the 229th Automobile Battalion of the Port Command. When I heard the news that Hyejeong's marriage was arranged, I hurriedly took leave and went to visit her at Munsan Elementary School, where she worked. At that time, I was a college football player who joined the army after a friend committed suicide. I weighed 80 kilograms and had a record of 12 seconds in the 100-meter sprint. I was the star of the college football game at Seoul Stadium, wandering around music halls in Jongno 3-ga with seniors, and earned the nickname 'Jirisan Bear' at the Baekundae unity meeting by drinking a bottle of makgeolli. After my friend committed suicide, I wanted to commit suicide together and volunteered to join a place like the Foreign Legion stationed in the Sahara Desert. I wanted to die like Meursault, the protagonist in Albert Camus' 'The Stranger.' I was the only college student driver in the battalion, but I carried suicide bullets in my GMC 23 truck and caused an emergency in the entire Busan area military police by beating up military police near the High Area unit brothel during an outing.

When I heard the news of Hyejeong's marriage arrangement, I couldn't stay still. Whether it succeeded or failed, it was my destiny. I had to meet Hyejeong and make a decision. When I went to meet Hyejeong, I looked like this. My military uniform was starched and neatly ironed, the sergeant rank on my hat was polished to shine, and my boots were polished so smooth that flies could slip off. I wore a red scarf from the transportation corps around my neck, my shoulders were broad, my waist was slim, and my rolled-up forearms were covered with bronze muscles. I never cared so much about my appearance in my life.
In the schoolyard of Munsan Elementary School, red dragonflies were flying under the platanus trees. I smoked Hwarang cigarettes all day by the children's horizontal bars, waiting. Eventually, the bell rang to signal the end of school, and I could see Hyejeong leaving with the chattering children. Hyejeong looked like Audrey Hepburn in the movie 'The Nun's Story.' She was pure and sacred, completely different from the other rustic teachers. I should have approached her and spoken to her then, but I didn't. I thought it would damage Hyejeong's dignity to do so in front of the children and other teachers. So I followed her along the cosmos-lined road to the train that arrived with smoky coal fumes.
In the train, vendors shouted, 'Squid peanuts!' 'Evening newspaper!' It was common for commuters to deliver letters to girls on the train. However, I couldn't do that because I thought it would harm the dignity of a female teacher to flirt in public. So I waited for the train to enter the tunnel at Juak-dong. I thought of speaking to her in the darkness. But when the train entered the darkness, I was just timing it. Then the train shot through the tunnel, and I missed the timing.
In fact, I was a college football player and a gangster soldier in the High Area unit brothel after enlisting. But what use was that? When the train reached Jinju Station, I started to regret it. In male society, I was like a fierce dog, but in front of Hyejeong, I became small. The fact that I couldn't speak because I was so devoted was my tragedy. At that time, if there had been some great external force to give me a shock, it wouldn't have been a physical force but a delicate daffodil-like fuse named Hyejeong. God had planted a subtle device in my body to cause an explosion, and that fuse was Hyejeong.

The square at Jinju Station was crowded with families meeting passengers and innkeepers soliciting guests. Passing through there made it difficult to speak, but even there, I was Hamlet. 'Could you spare a moment?' That one sentence was so hard to say. But then, God performed a miracle for this frustrated young man. While hesitating and feeling endlessly resentful of myself, Hyejeong walked toward the field, completely opposite the ticket gate. Hyejeong must have already noticed. She must have known that the soldier who waited for her all day in the schoolyard and fidgeted next to her on the train was me. She must have known that I was the K University graduate who sang 'The Bright Window' and 'Love Me Tender' in front of her house every night during high school. The direction Hyejeong walked after getting off the train was the field. There were no people, and the yellow rice ears drooped along the path where grasshoppers jumped. The land was filled with sweet wind, the sunset was deepening on the mountain ridge, and smoke from cooking rose from the chimney of a solitary house at the foot of the mountain.

Hyejeong walking along the rice field path with ripening rice looked like Millet's painting 'The Angelus.' Hyejeong, who had left her girlhood behind, now showed signs of being a lady. The sunset illuminated Hyejeong's hair and the yellow rice ears. Even there, I couldn't approach Hyejeong closely and followed her from a distance. Then, Hyejeong stopped at one point. She seemed to be signaling me to come and say something. Even now, I remember the wave of immense joy and emotion that swept over me at that moment. After that wave passed, something unexpected happened. Suddenly, my feet felt like they were stepping on air, and I staggered as if a strong magnet was pulling me to the ground. My whole body trembled like a shaking tree, my mouth dried up, and my heart pounded. I thought I should say something to Hyejeong, but my throat was dry, and no words came out. It was the first time in my life that I experienced such a situation. I was only worried that Hyejeong might hear the pounding of my heart.

Actually, I had prepared myself before meeting Hyejeong. I had reviewed what Romeo said to Juliet, what Werther said to Lotte, and what Jerome said to Madeleine. But what was the use? I became speechless, unable to utter a word.

Hyejeong, in that moment, began walking slowly—very slowly—before finally disappearing into the distant village lights. Thinking back now, I do not know how many seconds she stood there with her head bowed, like Millet’s The Angelus, in the autumn darkness. Nor do I know how many minutes we walked together along the country path.

Anyway, that most exhilarating moment of my life passed just like that, the surroundings soon wrapped in darkness, and the distant village lights began to flicker like stars. I stood there, as despairing as Werther when he was rejected by Charlotte, feeling the emptiness of it’s all over, standing still like a wooden post in the darkness.

Thus, my first love ended, never to be met again. Was she a fairy that had flown in from a meteor? A midsummer night’s dream? Yet even now, at my age, with grandchildren of my own, the twilight fields, the village lights flickering in the darkness, and the image of a girl standing with her head bowed—those memories remain engraved in my heart, more beautiful than a thousand epic poems.

**In fact, I had prepared before meeting Hyejeong. I had reviewed what Romeo said to Juliet, what Werther said to Lotte, and what Jerome said to Madeleine. But what use was that? I became mute and couldn't speak. In that moment, Hyejeong first walked very slowly, then eventually disappeared into the distant village lights. Now that I think about it, I don't know how many seconds Hyejeong stood like Millet's 'The Angelus' in the autumn darkness, or how many minutes I walked along the field path with Hyejeong. Anyway, the most glorious moment of my life passed like that, and the surroundings were soon covered in darkness, and the distant village lights began to twinkle like stars. I stood in the darkness like a scarecrow, feeling the emptiness of 'everything is over' like young Werther who was rejected by Charlotte. Thus, my first love ended, and I could never meet her again. Was she a fairy from a meteor? Was she a midsummer night's dream? Even now, at this age with grandchildren, the image of a girl bowing her head in the twilight field, the village lights twinkling in the darkness, and the field path in the sunset are en

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