PART 5 // chapter 4-3

[모나리자]

"그만해, 소냐, 그만해! 나를 괴롭히지 마." 그는 그녀에게 비참하게 간청했다. 전혀, 전혀 이렇게 말하고 싶지 않았지만, 이렇게 된 것이다. 그녀는 무슨 일을 하는지 모르는 듯 벌떡 일어나 손을 비비며 방 한가운데로 들어갔다. 하지만 재빨리 돌아와 그의 옆에 다시 앉았고, 그녀의 어깨는 거의 그의 어깨에 닿았다. 갑자기 그녀는 마치 칼에 찔린 것처럼 놀라서 비명을 지르고 그의 앞에 무릎을 꿇었다. 그녀는 이유를 몰랐다.

"무슨 짓을 한 거야? 너 자신에게 무슨 짓을 한 거야?" 그녀는 절망에 빠져 말하며 벌떡 일어나 그의 목에 몸을 던지고 팔을 휘둘러 그를 꼭 껴안았다. 라스콜니코프는 뒤로 물러나 슬픈 미소로 그녀를 바라보았다. "너는 이상한 여자야, 소냐. 내가 그 이야기를 하면 키스하고 안아줘.... 너는 네가 하는 일을 생각하지 못해." "이제 세상에 당신만큼 불행한 사람은 없어요!" 그녀는 그가 하는 말을 듣지 못하고 격렬하게 외쳤고, 갑자기 격렬하고 히스테리적으로 울기 시작했습니다. 오랫동안 그에게 익숙하지 않았던 감정이 그의 마음을 가득 채우고 즉시 부드럽게 만들었습니다.

그는 저항하지 않았습니다. 두 방울의 눈물이 그의 눈에 맺혔고 속눈썹에 걸렸습니다. "그럼 당신은 나를 떠나지 않을 거야, 소냐?" 그는 거의 희망에 찬 눈으로 그녀를 바라보며 말했습니다. "아니, 아니, 절대, 어디에도!" 소냐가 외쳤습니다. "나는 당신을 따라갈 거야, 나는 당신을 어디든 따라갈 거야. 세상에! 오, 얼마나 비참한지!... 왜, 왜 전에 당신을 몰랐을까! 왜 전에 오지 않았어? 오, 세상에!" "여기 왔어." "그래, 지금! 이제 뭘 해야 하지?... 함께, 함께!" 그녀는 무의식적으로 반복했고, 다시 그를 껴안았습니다.

"나는 시베리아까지 따라갈 거야!" 그는 이에 움츠러들었고, 그의 입술에는 똑같은 적대적이고 거의 거만한 미소가 떠올랐다. "아마도 아직 시베리아에 가고 싶지 않을 거야, 소냐." 그는 말했다. 소냐는 재빨리 그를 바라보았다. 불행한 남자에 대한 그녀의 첫 번째 열정적이고 고통스러운 동정심이 다시 한번 그녀를 살인이라는 끔찍한 생각에 압도했다. 그의 바뀐 어조에 그녀는 살인범이 말하는 것을 듣는 듯했다. 그녀는 당황한 채로 그를 바라보았다. 그녀는 아직 아무것도 몰랐다. 왜, 어떻게, 어떤 목적으로 그랬는지.

이제 이 모든 질문이 한꺼번에 그녀의 마음속으로 몰려들었다. 그리고 그녀는 다시 그것을 믿을 수 없었다. "그, 그는 살인범이야! 사실일 수 있을까?" "그게 무슨 뜻이야? 내가 어디에 있는 거지?" 그녀는 여전히 자신을 회복할 수 없는 듯이 완전히 당황한 채로 말했다. "당신, 당신, 당신 같은 사람이... 어떻게 그럴 수 있었어?... 그게 무슨 뜻이야?" "아, 글쎄—약탈하는 거야. 그만둬, 소냐." 그는 지쳐서 거의 짜증이 난 듯이 대답했다. 소냐는 멍하니 서 있었지만 갑자기 외쳤다.

“배가 고팠어! 엄마를 도우려고... 했어? 응?” “아니, 소냐, 아니야.” 그는 중얼거리며 돌아서서 고개를 숙였다. “그렇게 배고프지 않았어... 엄마를 돕고 싶었지만... 그게 진짜가 아니야.... 날 괴롭히지 마, 소냐.” 소냐는 손을 꽉 잡았다. “그게, 그게 다 사실일 수 있을까? 세상에, 얼마나 진실인가! 누가 믿을 수 있겠어? 마지막 한 푼이라도 주고서 강도질을 하고 살인을 저지를 수 있니! 아,” 그녀는 갑자기 외쳤다. “카테리나 이바노브나에게 준 그 돈... 그 돈... 그 돈이...” “아니, 소냐,” 그는 급히 끼어들었다. “그 돈이 그게 아니었어.

걱정하지 마! 엄마가 보내준 그 돈은 내가 아플 때 온 거야, 내가 너에게 준 그 날... 라주미힌이 보고... 내게로 받은 거야... 그 돈은 내 거야—내 거야.” 소냐는 당황한 채로 그의 말을 경청했고, 최선을 다해 이해하려고 노력했다. "그리고 그 돈... 돈이 있었는지조차 모르겠어요." 그는 마치 숙고하듯 부드럽게 덧붙였다.

"나는 그녀의 목에서 샤무아 가죽으로 만든 지갑을 벗겼어... 무언가로 가득 찬 지갑... 하지만 나는 그것을 들여다보지 않았어. 아마도 시간이 없었을 거야... 그리고 그 물건들, 사슬과 장신구들은 다음날 아침 V—— 전망에서 한 야드 떨어진 곳에 있는 지갑과 함께 돌 아래에 묻었어. 그것들은 지금 모두 거기에 있어..." 소냐는 신경을 곤두세워서 듣기 위해 노력했다.

"그럼 왜... 왜, 당신은 강도질을 하려고 했다고 말했지만 아무것도 가져가지 않았어?" 그녀는 재빨리 물었고, 빨대를 잡았다. "모르겠어.... 나는 아직 그 돈을 가져갈지 말지 결정하지 않았어." 그는 다시 생각에 잠겼다. 그리고 깜짝 놀라 깨어난 듯, 그는 짧게 아이러니한 미소를 지었다. "아, 내가 무슨 어리석은 말을 하는 거지?" 소냐의 머릿속에 그 생각이 번쩍 들었다. 그는 화가 나지 않았나? 하지만 그녀는 즉시 그것을 무시했다.

"아니, 다른 거였어." 그녀는 그것이 전혀, 아무것도 아니라는 것을 알 수 없었다. "알아, 소냐." 그는 갑자기 확신에 차서 말했다. "말해 줄게. 내가 배고파서 죽였다면 말이야." 모든 단어에 강조를 두고 수수께끼 같지만 진지하게 그녀를 바라보며, "지금은 행복할 거야.

그걸 믿어야 해! 내가 잘못했다고 고백한다고 해서 뭐가 중요해?" 그는 잠시 후 일종의 절망에 차서 외쳤다. "내가 잘못했다고 고백한다고 해서 뭐가 중요해? 나에 대한 그런 어리석은 승리로 네가 얻는 게 뭐야? 아, 소냐, 오늘 내가 너한테 온 게 그 때문인가?" 소냐는 다시 무언가를 말하려고 했지만 말하지 않았다. "어제 같이 가자고 했는데, 넌 내게 남은 전부니까." "어디로 가?" 소냐가 소심하게 물었다.

"도둑질도 안 하고 살인도 안 하고, 걱정하지 마." 그는 씁쓸하게 웃었다. "우린 너무 달라.... 그리고 알다시피, 소냐, 지금, 이 순간에야 어제 너한테 같이 가자고 한 곳을 알게 됐어! 어제 말했을 때는 어디인지 몰랐어. 한 가지 부탁을 했고, 한 가지 부탁을 하려고 당신에게 왔어요. 나를 떠나지 않기 위해서요. 나를 떠나지 않을 거야, 소냐?" 그녀는 그의 손을 꽉 쥐었다. "그리고 왜, 왜 그녀에게 말했을까?

왜 그녀에게 말했을까?" 그는 1분 후에 절망에 빠져 소리치며 그녀를 무한한 괴로움으로 바라보았다. "여기서 당신은 나에게 설명을 기대하고 있어, 소냐; 당신은 앉아서 그것을 기다리고 있어, 나도 알아.

하지만 내가 당신에게 무엇을 말할 수 있을까? 당신은 이해하지 못할 것이고, 오직 비참함만 겪을 거야... 나 때문에! 글쎄, 당신은 다시 울고 나를 껴안고 있어. 왜 그럴까? 내가 내 짐을 감당할 수 없어서 다른 사람에게 떠넘기려고 왔기 때문이야: 당신도 고통받고, 나는 기분이 나아질 거야! 그리고 당신은 그런 못된 놈을 사랑할 수 있을까?" "하지만 당신도 고통받지 않아?" 소냐가 소리쳤다.

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7568P

“Stop, Sonia, enough! don’t torture me,” he begged her miserably. It was not at all, not at all like this he had thought of telling her, but this is how it happened. She jumped up, seeming not to know what she was doing, and, wringing her hands, walked into the middle of the room; but quickly went back and sat down again beside him, her shoulder almost touching his. All of a sudden she started as though she had been stabbed, uttered a cry and fell on her knees before him, she did not know why.

“What have you done—what have you done to yourself?” she said in despair, and, jumping up, she flung herself on his neck, threw her arms round him, and held him tightly. Raskolnikov drew back and looked at her with a mournful smile. “You are a strange girl, Sonia—you kiss me and hug me when I tell you about that.... You don’t think what you are doing.” “There is no one—no one in the whole world now so unhappy as you!” she cried in a frenzy, not hearing what he said, and she suddenly broke into violent hysterical weeping. A feeling long unfamiliar to him flooded his heart and softened it at once.

He did not struggle against it. Two tears started into his eyes and hung on his eyelashes. “Then you won’t leave me, Sonia?” he said, looking at her almost with hope. “No, no, never, nowhere!” cried Sonia. “I will follow you, I will follow you everywhere. Oh, my God! Oh, how miserable I am!... Why, why didn’t I know you before! Why didn’t you come before? Oh, dear!” “Here I have come.” “Yes, now! What’s to be done now?... Together, together!” she repeated as it were unconsciously, and she hugged him again.

“I’ll follow you to Siberia!” He recoiled at this, and the same hostile, almost haughty smile came to his lips. “Perhaps I don’t want to go to Siberia yet, Sonia,” he said. Sonia looked at him quickly. Again after her first passionate, agonising sympathy for the unhappy man the terrible idea of the murder overwhelmed her. In his changed tone she seemed to hear the murderer speaking. She looked at him bewildered. She knew nothing as yet, why, how, with what object it had been.

Now all these questions rushed at once into her mind. And again she could not believe it: “He, he is a murderer! Could it be true?” “What’s the meaning of it? Where am I?” she said in complete bewilderment, as though still unable to recover herself. “How could you, you, a man like you.... How could you bring yourself to it?... What does it mean?” “Oh, well—to plunder. Leave off, Sonia,” he answered wearily, almost with vexation. Sonia stood as though struck dumb, but suddenly she cried:

“You were hungry! It was... to help your mother? Yes?” “No, Sonia, no,” he muttered, turning away and hanging his head. “I was not so hungry.... I certainly did want to help my mother, but... that’s not the real thing either.... Don’t torture me, Sonia.” Sonia clasped her hands. “Could it, could it all be true? Good God, what a truth! Who could believe it? And how could you give away your last farthing and yet rob and murder! Ah,” she cried suddenly, “that money you gave Katerina Ivanovna... that money.... Can that money...” “No, Sonia,” he broke in hurriedly, “that money was not it.

Don’t worry yourself! That money my mother sent me and it came when I was ill, the day I gave it to you.... Razumihin saw it... he received it for me.... That money was mine—my own.” Sonia listened to him in bewilderment and did her utmost to comprehend. “And that money.... I don’t even know really whether there was any money,” he added softly, as though reflecting.

“I took a purse off her neck, made of chamois leather... a purse stuffed full of something... but I didn’t look in it; I suppose I hadn’t time.... And the things—chains and trinkets—I buried under a stone with the purse next morning in a yard off the V—— Prospect. They are all there now....” Sonia strained every nerve to listen.

“Then why... why, you said you did it to rob, but you took nothing?” she asked quickly, catching at a straw. “I don’t know.... I haven’t yet decided whether to take that money or not,” he said, musing again; and, seeming to wake up with a start, he gave a brief ironical smile. “Ach, what silly stuff I am talking, eh?” The thought flashed through Sonia’s mind, wasn’t he mad? But she dismissed it at once.

“No, it was something else.” She could make nothing of it, nothing. “Do you know, Sonia,” he said suddenly with conviction, “let me tell you: if I’d simply killed because I was hungry,” laying stress on every word and looking enigmatically but sincerely at her, “I should be happy now.

You must believe that! What would it matter to you,” he cried a moment later with a sort of despair, “what would it matter to you if I were to confess that I did wrong? What do you gain by such a stupid triumph over me? Ah, Sonia, was it for that I’ve come to you to-day?” Again Sonia tried to say something, but did not speak. “I asked you to go with me yesterday because you are all I have left.” “Go where?” asked Sonia timidly.

“Not to steal and not to murder, don’t be anxious,” he smiled bitterly. “We are so different.... And you know, Sonia, it’s only now, only this moment that I understand where I asked you to go with me yesterday! Yesterday when I said it I did not know where. I asked you for one thing, I came to you for one thing—not to leave me. You won’t leave me, Sonia?” She squeezed his hand. “And why, why did I tell her?

Why did I let her know?” he cried a minute later in despair, looking with infinite anguish at her. “Here you expect an explanation from me, Sonia; you are sitting and waiting for it, I see that.

But what can I tell you? You won’t understand and will only suffer misery... on my account! Well, you are crying and embracing me again. Why do you do it? Because I couldn’t bear my burden and have come to throw it on another: you suffer too, and I shall feel better! And can you love such a mean wretch?” “But aren’t you suffering, too?” cried Sonia.