PART 5 // chapter 4-4

[모나리자]

다시 같은 감정의 물결이 그의 가슴으로 밀려왔고, 다시 한 번 순간적으로 마음을 부드럽게 만들었다. "소니아, 나는 나쁜 심장을 가지고 있어, 그걸 알아. 그게 많은 것을 설명할지도 몰라. 내가 나쁜 사람이기 때문에 온 거야. 오지 않을 사람들이 있지. 하지만 나는 겁쟁이고... 못된 놈이야. 하지만... 괜찮아! 그게 요점이 아니야. 지금 말해야 하지만, 어떻게 시작해야 할지 모르겠어." 그는 잠시 멈추고 생각에 잠겼다. "아, 우리는 너무 달라." 그는 다시 소리쳤다. "우리는 똑같지 않아. 그리고 왜, 왜 내가 왔을까? 나는 결코 그것을 용서하지 않을 거야." "아니, 아니, 네가 온 게 다행이야." 소니아가 소리쳤다.

"알아두는 게 낫지, 훨씬 더!" 그는 괴로워하며 그녀를 바라보았다. "만약 정말 그게 사실이라면?" 그는 결론을 내리듯 말했다. "그래, 그게 바로 그거였어! 나는 나폴레옹이 되고 싶었어, 그래서 그녀를 죽인 거야.... 이제 알았지?" "아니요." 소냐가 순진하고 소심하게 속삭였다. "말만 해, 말해, 내가 이해할 거야, 내가 나 자신 안에서 이해할 거야!" 그녀는 계속 그에게 간청했다. "이해할 거야? 알겠어, 보자!"

그는 잠시 멈추고 잠시 명상에 잠겼다. "이런 식이었어요. 어느 날 저는 스스로에게 이런 질문을 던졌어요. 예를 들어 나폴레옹이 제 자리에 있었다면, 그리고 그가 툴롱도 이집트도 몽블랑 산길도 없이 경력을 시작하지 않았다면, 그 모든 그림 같은 기념비적인 것들 대신, 그저 어리석은 늙은 마녀, 전당포 주인이 있어서 그녀의 트렁크에서 돈을 꺼내기 위해 그도 살해당해야 했다면요(그의 경력을 위해서요, 알겠죠?)

글쎄요, 다른 수단이 없었다면 그가 그런 짓을 했을까요? 기념비적인 것과는 거리가 멀고... 죄스러운 것에 대해 그는 씁쓸함을 느끼지 않았을까요? 글쎄요, 그 '질문'에 대해 두려울 정도로 걱정했기 때문에 마침내 (갑자기, 어떻게 된 일인지) 그에게 조금도 마음을 아프게 하지 않았을 거라는 걸, 그것이 기념비적인 일이 아니라는 걸 깨닫지도 못했을 거라는 걸... 그가 그것에 대해 잠시 생각할 만한 게 있다는 걸 알아차리지 못했을 거라는 걸, 그리고 다른 방법이 없었다면 생각도 없이 그녀를 목졸라 죽였을 거라는 걸 짐작했을 때 정말 부끄러웠어요!

글쎄요, 저도... 생각하는 걸 그만두고... 그의 예를 따라 그녀를 살해했어요. 그리고 정확히 그게 사실이었어요! 웃기다고 생각하세요? 네, 소냐, 가장 웃긴 건 아마도 그게 사실일 거라는 거예요." 소냐는 전혀 웃기지 않았어요. "직접 말해 봐요... 예를 들 필요 없이요." 그녀는 더욱 소심하게, 거의 들리지 않게 간청했어요. 그는 그녀에게 돌아서서 슬픈 표정으로 그녀를 바라보며 그녀의 손을 잡았어요. "당신이 또 옳아요, 소냐.

물론 다 헛소리야, 거의 다 수다야! 알다시피, 물론 우리 엄마는 거의 아무것도 없고, 언니는 좋은 교육을 받았고

가정교사로 일하도록 선고받았어. 그들의 모든 희망은 나에게 집중되어 있었어. 나는 학생이었지만 대학에 계속 다닐 수 없었고 한동안 그만두어야 했어.

그렇게 계속 버텼더라도, 10년이나 12년 후에는 (운이 좋으면) 봉급이 천 루블인 교사나 사무원이 될 수 있을 거야"(그는 마치 교훈인 듯이 반복했다) "그리고 그때쯤이면 어머니는 슬픔과 불안에 지쳐 있을 거고, 나는 언니가... 글쎄, 언니는 더 나쁜 처지에 처했을지도 몰라! 그리고 모든 것을 평생 무시하고, 모든 것에 등을 돌리고, 어머니를 잊고 언니에게 가해진 모욕을 예의 바르게 받아들이는 건 힘든 일이야.

왜 그래야 할까? 다른 사람들, 아내와 자식들에게 짐을 지우기 위해 그들을 묻어버리고, 돈 한 푼 없이 그들을 다시 내버려두는 거라면? 그래서 나는 그 노파의 돈을 손에 넣고 어머니를 걱정하지 않고 첫 몇 년 동안 그것을 쓰고, 대학에 남아서 잠시 떠난 후에도 그것을 유지하기로 결심했다. 그리고 이 모든 것을 광범위하고 철저하게 해서 완전히 새로운 경력을 쌓고 새로운 독립적인 삶을 시작하기로 했다... 글쎄... 그게 다야... 글쎄, 물론 그 노파를 죽인 것은 잘못이었다... 글쎄, 그것으로 충분해.”

그는 지쳐서 말을 끝까지 하다가 머리를 숙였다. “아, 그게 아니야, 그게 아니야.” 소냐가 괴로워하며 소리쳤다. “어떻게... 아니, 그게 옳지 않아, 옳지 않아.” “당신도 그것이 옳지 않다는 것을 알고 있지. 하지만 나는 진실을 말했고, 그것이 진실이야.” “그게 진실일 수 있다고! 세상에!” "나는 이가 한 마리만 죽였어, 소니아. 쓸모없고, 역겹고, 해로운 생물이었어."

"인간이라니, 이가!" "나도 그게 이가 아니었다는 걸 알아." 그는 그녀를 이상하게 바라보며 대답했다. "하지만 나는 헛소리를 하고 있어, 소니아." 그는 덧붙였다. "나는 오랫동안 헛소리를 해왔어... 그게 아니야, 네가 바로 그거야. 그럴 만한 이유가 아주, 아주 많았어! 나는 오랫동안 아무하고도 이야기하지 않았어, 소니아.... 지금 머리가 몹시 아프다."

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Again a wave of the same feeling surged into his heart, and again for an instant softened it. “Sonia, I have a bad heart, take note of that. It may explain a great deal. I have come because I am bad. There are men who wouldn’t have come. But I am a coward and... a mean wretch. But... never mind! That’s not the point. I must speak now, but I don’t know how to begin.” He paused and sank into thought. “Ach, we are so different,” he cried again, “we are not alike. And why, why did I come? I shall never forgive myself that.” “No, no, it was a good thing you came,” cried Sonia.

“It’s better I should know, far better!” He looked at her with anguish. “What if it were really that?” he said, as though reaching a conclusion. “Yes, that’s what it was! I wanted to become a Napoleon, that is why I killed her.... Do you understand now?” “N-no,” Sonia whispered naïvely and timidly. “Only speak, speak, I shall understand, I shall understand in myself!” she kept begging him. “You’ll understand? Very well, we shall see!”

He paused and was for some time lost in meditation. “It was like this: I asked myself one day this question—what if Napoleon, for instance, had happened to be in my place, and if he had not had Toulon nor Egypt nor the passage of Mont Blanc to begin his career with, but instead of all those picturesque and monumental things, there had simply been some ridiculous old hag, a pawnbroker, who had to be murdered too to get money from her trunk (for his career, you understand).

Well, would he have brought himself to that if there had been no other means? Wouldn’t he have felt a pang at its being so far from monumental and... and sinful, too? Well, I must tell you that I worried myself fearfully over that ‘question’ so that I was awfully ashamed when I guessed at last (all of a sudden, somehow) that it would not have given him the least pang, that it would not even have struck him that it was not monumental... that he would not have seen that there was anything in it to pause over, and that, if he had had no other way, he would have strangled her in a minute without thinking about it!

Well, I too... left off thinking about it... murdered her, following his example. And that’s exactly how it was! Do you think it funny? Yes, Sonia, the funniest thing of all is that perhaps that’s just how it was.” Sonia did not think it at all funny. “You had better tell me straight out... without examples,” she begged, still more timidly and scarcely audibly. He turned to her, looked sadly at her and took her hands. “You are right again, Sonia.

Of course that’s all nonsense, it’s almost all talk! You see, you know of course that my mother has scarcely anything, my sister happened to have a good education and was

condemned to drudge as a governess. All their hopes were centered on me. I was a student, but I couldn’t keep myself at the university and was forced for a time to leave it.

Even if I had lingered on like that, in ten or twelve years I might (with luck) hope to be some sort of teacher or clerk with a salary of a thousand roubles” (he repeated it as though it were a lesson) “and by that time my mother would be worn out with grief and anxiety and I could not succeed in keeping her in comfort while my sister... well, my sister might well have fared worse! And it’s a hard thing to pass everything by all one’s life, to turn one’s back upon everything, to forget one’s mother and decorously accept the insults inflicted on one’s sister.

Why should one? When one has buried them to burden oneself with others—wife and children—and to leave them again without a farthing? So I resolved to gain possession of the old woman’s money and to use it for my first years without worrying my mother, to keep myself at the university and for a little while after leaving it—and to do this all on a broad, thorough scale, so as to build up a completely new career and enter upon a new life of independence.... Well... that’s all.... Well, of course in killing the old woman I did wrong.... Well, that’s enough.”

He struggled to the end of his speech in exhaustion and let his head sink. “Oh, that’s not it, that’s not it,” Sonia cried in distress. “How could one... no, that’s not right, not right.” “You see yourself that it’s not right. But I’ve spoken truly, it’s the truth.” “As though that could be the truth! Good God!” “I’ve only killed a louse, Sonia, a useless, loathsome, harmful creature.”

“A human being—a louse!” “I too know it wasn’t a louse,” he answered, looking strangely at her. “But I am talking nonsense, Sonia,” he added. “I’ve been talking nonsense a long time.... That’s not it, you are right there. There were quite, quite other causes for it! I haven’t talked to anyone for so long, Sonia.... My head aches dreadfully now.”