PART 5 // chapter 4-5

[모나리자]

그의 눈은 열광적으로 빛났다. 그는 거의 정신을 잃었다. 그의 입술에는 불안한 미소가 떠올랐다. 그의 끔찍한 피로는 그의 흥분을 통해 볼 수 있었다. 소냐는 그가 얼마나 고통스러워하는지 보았다. 그녀도 어지러움이 났다. 그리고 그는 매우 이상하게 말했다. 어떻게든 이해할 수 있는 듯했지만, 그래도... "하지만 어떻게, 어떻게! 세상에!" 그리고 그녀는 절망에 빠져 손을 비비었다.

"아니, 소냐, 그게 아니야." 그는 다시 갑자기 말을 시작했다. 마치 새롭고 갑작스러운 생각의 흐름이 그를 깨운 듯 고개를 들었다. "그게 아니야! 더 나은... 상상해 봐. 그래, 확실히 더 나은 거야. 내가 허영심이 많고, 시기심이 많고, 악의적이며, 비열하고, 보복심이 강하고... 글쎄, 아마도 광기 경향이 있다고 상상해 봐. (한꺼번에 다 말해 보자!

그들은 이미 광기에 대해 이야기했어, 알아챘어.) 방금 대학에 있을 수 없다고 말했지. 하지만 아마 내가 그랬을지도 모른다는 걸 알아? 어머니는 수업료로 필요한 것을 보내 주셨고, 저는 옷, 부츠, 음식을 살 만큼 벌 수 있었을 겁니다. 수업료는 반 루블이었습니다.

라주미힌은 효과가 있었습니다! 하지만 저는 투덜거리며 그러지 않았습니다. (그래요, 투덜거림, 그게 맞는 표현이에요!) 저는 거미처럼 방에 앉아 있었습니다. 당신은 제 서재에 있었잖아요, 보셨잖아요... 그리고 소냐, 낮은 천장과 좁은 방이 영혼과 마음을 좁게 한다는 걸 알고 있나요?

아, 저는 그 다락방이 정말 싫었어요! 그런데도 저는 거기서 나가지 않았어요! 일부러 그러지 않았어요!

저는 며칠 동안 같이 외출하지 않았고, 일도 하지 않았고, 먹지도 않았고, 그냥 아무것도 하지 않고 누워 있었습니다. 나스타샤가 뭔가 가져다 주면 먹었고, 가져다 주지 않으면 하루 종일 아무것도 없이 지냈어요. 일부러 투덜거리는 그녀에게 부탁하지 않았어요! 밤에는 불빛이 없었고, 어둠 속에 누워서 양초를 사서 돈을 벌지 못했습니다. 공부를 해야 했지만, 책을 팔았고, 책상 위의 공책에는 먼지가 1인치 두께로 쌓여 있었습니다.

나는 가만히 누워서 생각하는 것을 더 좋아했습니다. 그리고 계속 생각했습니다.... 그리고 나는 항상 꿈을 꾸었습니다. 온갖 이상한 꿈들이었고, 설명할 필요가 없습니다! 그때서야 ​​나는 그것이... 아니, 그게 아닙니다! 다시 한 번 잘못 말하고 있습니다! 알다시피 나는 그때 계속 스스로에게 물었습니다. 다른 사람들이 멍청하다면(그리고 그들이 멍청하다는 것을 알고 있습니다) 왜 나는 더 현명해지지 않을까요? 그때 나는 깨달았습니다, 소냐, 모든 사람이 더 현명해질 때까지 기다리면 너무 오래 걸릴 것입니다.... 나중에 나는 그런 일이 결코 일어나지 않을 것이라는 것을 이해했고, 사람들은 변하지 않을 것이고 아무도 그것을 바꿀 수 없으며 그것에 노력을 낭비할 가치가 없다는 것을 이해했습니다.

그렇습니다. 그게 그들의 본성의 법칙이야, 소니아,... 그렇구나!... 그리고 나는 지금 알아, 소니아, 정신과 영혼이 강한 사람은 누구든 그들을 지배할 수 있다는 걸. 누구든 대담한 사람은 그들의 눈에 옳아. 대부분의 것을 멸시하는 사람은 그들 사이에서 입법자가 될 것이고, 가장 대담한 사람은 가장 옳을 거야! 지금까지 그래 왔고 앞으로도 그럴 거야. 사람은 눈이 멀어서 못 보는 거야!" 라스콜니코프가 이렇게 말하면서 소니아를 바라보았지만, 그녀가 이해하든 안 하든 더 이상 신경 쓰지 않았다.

열이 그를 완전히 사로잡았다. 그는 일종의 우울한 황홀경에 빠져 있었다(그는 확실히 누구와도 오랫동안 이야기하지 않았다). 소니아는 그의 우울한 신조가 그의 신앙과 규범이 되었다고 느꼈다. "그때 나는 알아챘어, 소니아." 그는 간절히 말을 이었다. "힘은

몸을 굽히고 그것을 집어 올리는 사람에게만 주어진다는 것을. 필요한 것은 오직 하나, 오직 하나: 대담하기만 하면 돼! 그러자 제 인생에서 처음으로 제 마음속에 그 누구도 생각해내지 못했던 아이디어가 형성되었습니다. 아무도!

나는 이 미친 세상에 사는 사람 중 단 한 명도 감히 모든 것을 직접 들이받아 악마에게 날려버릴 용기가 없다는 것이 얼마나 이상한지 햇빛처럼 똑똑히 보았다! 나는... 나는 감히 하고 싶었고... 그녀를 죽였다. 나는 그저 감히 하고 싶었을 뿐이야, 소니아! 그것이 전부 원인이었어!" "조용히, 조용히." 소니아가 손을 꽉 쥐며 소리쳤다. "당신은 신에게서 돌아섰고 신이 당신을 때리고 악마에게 넘겼어요!" "그럼 소니아, 내가 어둠 속에 누워 있을 때 이 모든 것이 내게 분명해졌을 때, 그것은 악마의 유혹이었을까?" "조용히, 웃지 마, 신성모독자야!

당신은 이해하지 못해, 이해하지 못해! 세상에! 그는 이해하지 못할 거야!" "조용히, 소니아! 나는 웃지 않아. 나는 그것이 악마가 나를 이끌고 있다는 것을 스스로 알고 있어. 조용히, 소니아, 조용히!" 그는 우울하게 고집하며 반복했다. "나는 모든 것을 알고 있어, 나는 모든 것을 거듭거듭 생각하고, 어둠 속에 누워서 모든 것을 나 자신에게 속삭였어... 나는 모든 것을 나 자신과, 모든 요점에 대해 논쟁했고, 나는 모든 것을 알고 있어, 모든 것을! 그리고 나는 얼마나 지겨웠고, 얼마나 지겨웠는지 모든 것을 되뇌고 싶었어! 나는 그것을 잊고 새로운 시작을 하고 싶었어, 소냐, 그리고 생각하는 것을 그만두고 싶었어. 그리고 당신은 내가 바보처럼 무모하게 그것에 뛰어들었다고 생각하지 않아?

나는 현명한 사람처럼 그것에 뛰어들었고, 그것은 바로 나의 파괴였어. 그리고 당신은 내가 몰랐다고 가정해서는 안 됩니다. 예를 들어, 내가 권력을 얻을 권리가 있는지 스스로에게 의문을 품기 시작했다면—확실히 권리가 없었습니다—또는 인간이 이가인지 스스로에게 물었다면

그것은 나에게는 그렇지 않다는 것을 증명했습니다. 질문을 하지 않고 바로 자신의 목표에 도달할 사람에게는 그럴 수 있겠지만... 내가 나폴레옹이 그것을 했을지 아닐지 궁금해하며 그 모든 날을 걱정했다면, 나는 당연히 내가 나폴레옹이 아니라는 것을 분명히 느꼈습니다.

나는 그 사상의 전투의 모든 고통을 견뎌내야 했고, 소냐, 나는 그것을 벗어던지고 싶었습니다: 나는 변명 없이, 나 자신을 위해, 나 자신을 위해 살인하고 싶었습니다! 나는 그것에 대해 나 자신에게조차 거짓말하고 싶지 않았습니다. 나는 어머니를 돕기 위해 살인을 한 것이 아니었습니다—그것은 말도 안 됩니다—나는 부와 권력을 얻고 인류의 은인이 되기 위해 살인을 한 것이 아닙니다.

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7653p

His eyes shone with feverish brilliance. He was almost delirious; an uneasy smile strayed on his lips. His terrible exhaustion could be seen through his excitement. Sonia saw how he was suffering. She too was growing dizzy. And he talked so strangely; it seemed somehow comprehensible, but yet... “But how, how! Good God!” And she wrung her hands in despair.

“No, Sonia, that’s not it,” he began again suddenly, raising his head, as though a new and sudden train of thought had struck and as it were roused him—“that’s not it! Better... imagine—yes, it’s certainly better—imagine that I am vain, envious, malicious, base, vindictive and... well, perhaps with a tendency to insanity. (Let’s have it all out at once!

They’ve talked of madness already, I noticed.) I told you just now I could not keep myself at the university. But do you know that perhaps I might have done? My mother would have sent me what I needed for the fees and I could have earned enough for clothes, boots and food, no doubt. Lessons had turned up at half a rouble.

Razumihin works! But I turned sulky and wouldn’t. (Yes, sulkiness, that’s the right word for it!) I sat in my room like a spider. You’ve been in my den, you’ve seen it.... And do you know, Sonia, that low ceilings and tiny rooms cramp the soul and the mind?

Ah, how I hated that garret! And yet I wouldn’t go out of it! I wouldn’t on purpose!

I didn’t go out for days together, and I wouldn’t work, I wouldn’t even eat, I just lay there doing nothing. If Nastasya brought me anything, I ate it, if she didn’t, I went all day without; I wouldn’t ask, on purpose, from sulkiness! At night I had no light, I lay in the dark and I wouldn’t earn money for candles. I ought to have studied, but I sold my books; and the dust lies an inch thick on the notebooks on my table.

I preferred lying still and thinking. And I kept thinking.... And I had dreams all the time, strange dreams of all sorts, no need to describe! Only then I began to fancy that... No, that’s not it! Again I am telling you wrong! You see I kept asking myself then: why am I so stupid that if others are stupid—and I know they are—yet I won’t be wiser? Then I saw, Sonia, that if one waits for everyone to get wiser it will take too long.... Afterwards I understood that that would never come to pass, that men won’t change and that nobody can alter it and that it’s not worth wasting effort over it.

Yes, that’s so. That’s the law of their nature, Sonia,... that’s so!... And I know now, Sonia, that whoever is strong in mind and spirit will have power over them. Anyone who is greatly daring is right in their eyes. He who despises most things will be a lawgiver among them and he who dares most of all will be most in the right! So it has been till now and so it will always be. A man must be blind not to see it!” Though Raskolnikov looked at Sonia as he said this, he no longer cared whether she understood or not.

The fever had complete hold of him; he was in a sort of gloomy ecstasy (he certainly had been too long without talking to anyone). Sonia felt that his gloomy creed had become his faith and code. “I divined then, Sonia,” he went on eagerly, “that power is only vouchsafed

to the man who dares to stoop and pick it up. There is only one thing, one thing needful: one has only to dare! Then for the first time in my life an idea took shape in my mind which no one had ever thought of before me, no one!

I saw clear as daylight how strange it is that not a single person living in this mad world has had the daring to go straight for it all and send it flying to the devil! I... I wanted to have the daring... and I killed her. I only wanted to have the daring, Sonia! That was the whole cause of it!” “Oh hush, hush,” cried Sonia, clasping her hands. “You turned away from God and God has smitten you, has given you over to the devil!” “Then Sonia, when I used to lie there in the dark and all this became clear to me, was it a temptation of the devil, eh?” “Hush, don’t laugh, blasphemer!

You don’t understand, you don’t understand! Oh God! He won’t understand!” “Hush, Sonia! I am not laughing. I know myself that it was the devil leading me. Hush, Sonia, hush!” he repeated with gloomy insistence. “I know it all, I have thought it all over and over and whispered it all over to myself, lying there in the dark.... I’ve argued it all over with myself, every point of it, and I know it all, all! And how sick, how sick I was then of going over it all! I have kept wanting to forget it and make a new beginning, Sonia, and leave off thinking. And you don’t suppose that I went into it headlong like a fool?

I went into it like a wise man, and that was just my destruction. And you mustn’t suppose that I didn’t know, for instance, that if I began to question myself whether I had the right to gain power—I certainly hadn’t the right—or that if I asked myself whether a human being is a louse it

proved that it wasn’t so for me, though it might be for a man who would go straight to his goal without asking questions.... If I worried myself all those days, wondering whether Napoleon would have done it or not, I felt clearly of course that I wasn’t Napoleon.

I had to endure all the agony of that battle of ideas, Sonia, and I longed to throw it off: I wanted to murder without casuistry, to murder for my own sake, for myself alone! I didn’t want to lie about it even to myself. It wasn’t to help my mother I did the murder—that’s nonsense—I didn’t do the murder to gain wealth and power and to become a benefactor of mankind.