PART 5 // chapter 4-6

[모나리자]

말도 안 돼! 그냥 그랬어. 나 자신을 위해, 나만을 위해 살인을 저질렀어. 다른 사람에게 은인이 되든, 거미처럼 남자를 잡아서 남자의 생명을 빨아먹는 삶을 살든, 그 순간은 신경 쓸 수 없었어... 그리고 소냐, 내가 그걸 했을 때 내가 원했던 건 돈이 아니었어. 내가 원했던 건 돈이 아니라 다른 것이었어... 이제 다 알아... 이해해! 다시는 살인을 저지르지 말았어야 할지도 몰라.

나는 다른 것을 알아내고 싶었어. 다른 것이 나를 이끌었거든. 나는 그때 내가 다른 사람들과 마찬가지로 이가인지 남자인지 빨리 알아내고 싶었어. 내가 장벽을 넘을 수 있는지 없는지, 내가 몸을 굽혀서 주워 올릴 수 있는지 없는지, 내가 떨리는 생물인지, 아니면 그럴 권리가 있는지..." "죽일 수 있어? 죽일 권리가 있어?" 소냐가 손을 꽉 잡았다. "아, 소냐!" 그는 짜증내며 소리쳤고 반박하려고 했지만, 경멸조로 침묵했다. "내 말을 방해하지 마, 소냐.

나는 한 가지만 증명하고 싶어. 그때 악마가 나를 이끌었고, 그 이후로 내가 그 길을 갈 권리가 없다는 것을 보여줬어. 왜냐하면 나는 다른 모든 사람들과 마찬가지로 그저 이가에 불과하기 때문이야. 그는 나를 조롱했고, 지금 나는 너에게 왔어! 손님을 환영해! 내가 이가가 아니었다면, 내가 너에게 왔어야 했어? 들어봐. 그때 내가 그 노파에게 갔을 때 나는 시도하려고 갔을 뿐이야.... 너는 그걸 확신할 수 있을 거야!" "그리고 네가 그녀를 죽였어!" "하지만 내가 어떻게 그녀를 죽였어? 남자들이 살인을 하는 게 그런 거야? 그때 내가 갔던 것처럼 남자들이 살인을 저지르러 가는 거야?

언젠가 내가 어떻게 했는지 말해줄게! 내가 그 노파를 죽였어? 내가 나 자신을 죽인 거야, 그녀가 아니라! 나는 나 자신을 영원히, 영원히 짓밟았어.... 하지만 그 노파를 죽인 건 악마였지, 내가 아니야. 그만, 그만, 소냐, 그만! 나를 내버려둬!" 그는 갑자기 고통에 떨며 소리쳤다. "나를 내버려둬!" 그는 팔꿈치를 무릎에 기대고 손으로 머리를 꽉 쥐었다. "이게 무슨 고통이야!" 소냐가 괴로운 신음소리를 터뜨렸다.

"이제 난 뭘 해야 할까?" 그는 갑자기 고개를 들고 절망에 흉측하게 일그러진 얼굴로 그녀를 바라보며 물었다. "넌 뭘 해야 할까?" 그녀가 소리치며 뛰어올랐고, 눈물로 가득했던 그녀의 눈이 갑자기 빛나기 시작했다. "일어나!" (그녀가 그의 어깨를 붙잡자 그는 일어나서 거의 당황한 듯 그녀를 바라보았다.) "지금 당장 가, 교차로에 서서 몸을 숙여, 먼저 네가 더럽힌 땅에 키스하고 온 세상에 몸을 숙여 모든 사람에게 큰 소리로 말해, '나는 살인자다!' 그러면 신이 너에게 다시 생명을 보내줄 거야.

갈래, 갈래?" 그녀는 온몸을 떨며 그에게 물었고, 그의 두 손을 잡아 꽉 쥐고 불길로 가득 찬 눈으로 그를 바라보았다. 그는 그녀의 갑작스러운 황홀경에 놀랐다. "시베리아를 말하는 거야, 소냐? 내가 스스로를 포기해야 해?" 그는 우울하게 물었다.

고통을 겪고 그것으로 죄를 속죄해라, 그게 네가 해야 할 일이야." "아니! 나는 그들에게 가지 않을 거야, 소냐!" "하지만 어떻게 살아갈 거야? 무엇을 위해 살 거야?" 소냐가 소리쳤다. "이제 어떻게 가능해? 왜, 어떻게 네 어머니에게 말할 수 있어? (오, 이제 그들은 어떻게 될까?) 하지만 내가 뭐라고 말하고 있는 거지?

너는 이미 네 어머니와 네 자매를 버렸어. 그는 이미 그들을 버렸어! 오, 신이시여!" 그녀가 소리쳤다. "왜, 그는 스스로 모든 것을 알고 있어. 어떻게, 어떻게 혼자서 살 수 있어! 이제 너는 어떻게 될까?" "어린애처럼 굴지 마, 소냐." 그는 부드럽게 말했다. "내가 그들에게 무슨 잘못을 했니? 왜 그들에게 가야 하지? 그들에게 뭐라고 말해야 할까? 그것은 단지 환상일 뿐이다... 그들은 스스로 수백만 명의 인간을 파괴하고 그것을 미덕으로 여긴다.

그들은 사기꾼이고 악당이야, 소냐! 나는 그들에게 가지 않을 거야. 그리고 내가 그들에게 뭐라고 말해야 할까? 내가 그녀를 죽였지만, 돈을 감히 가져가지 못하고 돌 밑에 숨겼다고?" 그는 쓴웃음을 지으며 덧붙였다. "왜, 그들은 나를 비웃고, 돈을 받지 못했다고 해서 바보라고 부를 거야. 겁쟁이고 바보야! 그들은 이해하지 못할 거고 이해할 자격도 없어. 내가 왜 그들에게 가야 하지? 나는 가지 않을 거야. 어린애처럼 굴지 마, 소냐..." "너한테는 너무 버거울 거야, 너무 버거울 거야!" 그녀는 손을 내밀며 절망에 빠진 간청을 하며 되뇌었다.

"아마도 내가 나 자신에게 불공평했을 거야." 그는 우울하게 생각하며 관찰했다. "아마도 나는 남자이고 이가 아니고, 스스로를 비난하기에는 너무 서두른 게 아닐까. 나는 그것을 위해 또 한 번 싸울 거야." 그의 입술에 거만한 미소가 나타났다. "얼마나 버거울까! 그리고 네 인생 전체, 네 인생 전체!"

"나는 익숙해질 거야." 그는 엄숙하고 생각에 잠긴 듯 말했다. "들어봐." 그는 1분 후에 말을 시작했다. "울지 마, 이제 사실을 말할 때야. 경찰이 나를 쫓고 있다고 말하러 왔어. 내 뒤를 쫓고 있어..." "아악!" 소냐가 공포에 질려 소리쳤다. "음, 왜 울어?

내가 시베리아에 가길 원하고 지금은 겁먹었어? 하지만 내가 말해줄게. 나는 포기하지 않을 거야. 나는 그것을 위해 투쟁할 거고 그들은 나에게 아무것도 하지 않을 거야. 그들은 진짜 증거가 없어. 어제 나는 큰 위험에 처해 있었고 내가 길을 잃었다고 믿었어. 하지만 오늘은 상황이 나아지고 있어. 그들이 아는 모든 사실은 두 가지 방법으로 설명할 수 있어. 즉, 나는 그들의 비난을 내 공로로 돌릴 수 있어, 알겠어? 그리고 그럴 거야. 나는 교훈을 얻었으니까.

하지만 그들은 분명히 나를 체포할 거야. 무슨 일이 일어나지 않았다면, 그들은 오늘 확실히 그렇게 했을 거야. 아마도 지금도 그들은 나를 체포할 거야... 하지만 그건 상관없어, 소냐; 그들은 나를 다시 풀어줄 거야... 왜냐하면 나에 대한 진짜 증거가 없고, 없을 거야, 내 말을 믿어. 그리고 그들은 나에 대한 그들의 주장으로 사람을 유죄 판결을 내릴 수 없어. 그만... 내가 너에게 알려줄 수 있도록만 말해.... 나는 어떻게든 어머니와 누이에게 말하려고 노력할 거야. 그러면 그들이 두려워하지 않을 거야... 하지만 지금은 누이의 미래가 안전하다고 믿어... 그리고 어머니의 미래도 안전할 거야... 글쎄, 그게 다야. 하지만 조심해.

내가 감옥에 있을 때 나를 보러 올래?" "아, 그럴게, 그럴게." 그들은 나란히 앉아 있었고, 슬픔과 낙담이 뒤섞여 마치 황무지에 홀로 폭풍우에 휩쓸려 간 것처럼 보였다. 그는 소냐를 바라보며 그녀가 그를 얼마나 사랑하는지 느꼈고, 이상하게도 그는

그렇게 사랑받는 것이 갑자기 부담스럽고 ​​고통스러웠다. 네, 이상하고 끔찍한 감각이었습니다! 소니아를 만나러 가는 길에 그는 모든 희망이 그녀에게 달려 있다고 느꼈습니다. 그는 적어도 자신의 고통의 일부는 없어질 것이라고 기대했고, 지금 그녀의 모든 마음이 그에게로 향했을 때, 그는 갑자기 전보다 헤아릴 수 없을 정도로 불행해졌다고 느꼈습니다. "소니아," 그는 말했습니다. "내가 감옥에 있을 때 나를 만나러 오지 않는 게 낫겠어."

소니아는 대답하지 않고 울고 있었습니다. 몇 분이 지났습니다. "십자가를 가지고 있나요?" 그녀가 갑자기 그것을 생각하는 듯 물었습니다. 그는 처음에는 그 질문을 이해하지 못했습니다. "아니, 물론 아니야. 여기, 사이프러스 나무로 만든 것을 가져가. 나는 구리로 만든 것을 하나 더 가지고 있는데, 리자베타의 것이었어. 나는 리자베타와 바뀌었어. 그녀는 나에게 그녀의 십자가를 주었고 나는 그녀에게 내 작은 아이콘을 주었어.

나는 지금 리자베타의 것을 입고 이걸 줄게. 가져가... 내 거야! 내 거야, 알지?" 그녀가 그에게 간청했습니다. "우리는 함께 고통을 겪을 것이고, 함께 십자가를 질 것입니다!" "내게 줘." 라스콜니코프가 말했다. 그는 그녀의 감정을 상하게 하고 싶지 않았다. 하지만 그는 즉시 십자가를 향해 내민 손을 거두었다. "지금은 안 돼, 소냐. 나중에 하는 게 낫겠어." 그는 그녀를 위로하기 위해 덧붙였다.

"그래, 그래, 더 낫지." 그녀는 확신에 차서 반복했다. "네가 고통을 겪을 때, 그때 입어. 네가 내게 올 테니까, 내가 너에게 입혀줄게. 우리는 기도하고 함께 갈 거야." 그 순간 누군가가 문을 세 번 두드렸다. "소피아 세묘노브나, 들어가도 돼?" 그들은 매우 친숙하고 정중한 목소리로 들렸다. 소냐는 무서워서 문으로 달려갔다. 레베지아트니코프 씨의 아마색 머리가 문에 나타났다.

--------------------------------

7710p

Nonsense! I simply did it; I did the murder for myself, for myself alone, and whether I became a benefactor to others, or spent my life like a spider catching men in my web and sucking the life out of men, I couldn’t have cared at that moment.... And it was not the money I wanted, Sonia, when I did it. It was not so much the money I wanted, but something else.... I know it all now.... Understand me! Perhaps I should never have committed a murder again.

I wanted to find out something else; it was something else led me on. I wanted to find out then and quickly whether I was a louse like everybody else or a man. Whether I can step over barriers or not, whether I dare stoop to pick up or not, whether I am a trembling creature or whether I have the right...” “To kill? Have the right to kill?” Sonia clasped her hands. “Ach, Sonia!” he cried irritably and seemed about to make some retort, but was contemptuously silent. “Don’t interrupt me, Sonia.

I want to prove one thing only, that the devil led me on then and he has shown me since that I had not the right to take that path, because I am just such a louse as all the rest. He was mocking me and here I’ve come to you now! Welcome your guest! If I were not a louse, should I have come to you? Listen: when I went then to the old woman’s I only went to try.... You may be sure of that!” “And you murdered her!” “But how did I murder her? Is that how men do murders? Do men go to commit a murder as I went then?

I will tell you some day how I went! Did I murder the old woman? I murdered myself, not her! I crushed myself once for all, for ever.... But it was the devil that killed that old woman, not I. Enough, enough, Sonia, enough! Let me be!” he cried in a sudden spasm of agony, “let me be!” He leaned his elbows on his knees and squeezed his head in his hands as in a vise. “What suffering!” A wail of anguish broke from Sonia.

“Well, what am I to do now?” he asked, suddenly raising his head and looking at her with a face hideously distorted by despair. “What are you to do?” she cried, jumping up, and her eyes that had been full of tears suddenly began to shine. “Stand up!” (She seized him by the shoulder, he got up, looking at her almost bewildered.) “Go at once, this very minute, stand at the cross-roads, bow down, first kiss the earth which you have defiled and then bow down to all the world and say to all men aloud, ‘I am a murderer!’ Then God will send you life again.

Will you go, will you go?” she asked him, trembling all over, snatching his two hands, squeezing them tight in hers and gazing at him with eyes full of fire. He was amazed at her sudden ecstasy. “You mean Siberia, Sonia? I must give myself up?” he asked gloomily.

Suffer and expiate your sin by it, that’s what you must do.” “No! I am not going to them, Sonia!” “But how will you go on living? What will you live for?” cried Sonia, “how is it possible now? Why, how can you talk to your mother? (Oh, what will become of them now?) But what am I saying?

You have abandoned your mother and your sister already. He has abandoned them already! Oh, God!” she cried, “why, he knows it all himself. How, how can he live by himself! What will become of you now?” “Don’t be a child, Sonia,” he said softly. “What wrong have I done them? Why should I go to them? What should I say to them? That’s only a phantom.... They destroy men by millions themselves and look on it as a virtue.

They are knaves and scoundrels, Sonia! I am not going to them. And what should I say to them—that I murdered her, but did not dare to take the money and hid it under a stone?” he added with a bitter smile. “Why, they would laugh at me, and would call me a fool for not getting it. A coward and a fool! They wouldn’t understand and they don’t deserve to understand. Why should I go to them? I won’t. Don’t be a child, Sonia....” “It will be too much for you to bear, too much!” she repeated, holding out her hands in despairing supplication.

“Perhaps I’ve been unfair to myself,” he observed gloomily, pondering, “perhaps after all I am a man and not a louse and I’ve been in too great a hurry to condemn myself. I’ll make another fight for it.” A haughty smile appeared on his lips. “What a burden to bear! And your whole life, your whole life!”

“I shall get used to it,” he said grimly and thoughtfully. “Listen,” he began a minute later, “stop crying, it’s time to talk of the facts: I’ve come to tell you that the police are after me, on my track....” “Ach!” Sonia cried in terror. “Well, why do you cry out?

You want me to go to Siberia and now you are frightened? But let me tell you: I shall not give myself up. I shall make a struggle for it and they won’t do anything to me. They’ve no real evidence. Yesterday I was in great danger and believed I was lost; but to-day things are going better. All the facts they know can be explained two ways, that’s to say I can turn their accusations to my credit, do you understand? And I shall, for I’ve learnt my lesson.

But they will certainly arrest me. If it had not been for something that happened, they would have done so to-day for certain; perhaps even now they will arrest me to-day.... But that’s no matter, Sonia; they’ll let me out again... for there isn’t any real proof against me, and there won’t be, I give you my word for it. And they can’t convict a man on what they have against me. Enough.... I only tell you that you may know.... I will try to manage somehow to put it to my mother and sister so that they won’t be frightened.... My sister’s future is secure, however, now, I believe... and my mother’s must be too.... Well, that’s all. Be careful, though.

Will you come and see me in prison when I am there?” “Oh, I will, I will.” They sat side by side, both mournful and dejected, as though they had been cast up by the tempest alone on some deserted shore. He looked at Sonia and felt how great was her love for him, and strange to say he felt

it suddenly burdensome and painful to be so loved. Yes, it was a strange and awful sensation! On his way to see Sonia he had felt that all his hopes rested on her; he expected to be rid of at least part of his suffering, and now, when all her heart turned towards him, he suddenly felt that he was immeasurably unhappier than before. “Sonia,” he said, “you’d better not come and see me when I am in prison.”

Sonia did not answer, she was crying. Several minutes passed. “Have you a cross on you?” she asked, as though suddenly thinking of it. He did not at first understand the question. “No, of course not. Here, take this one, of cypress wood. I have another, a copper one that belonged to Lizaveta. I changed with Lizaveta: she gave me her cross and I gave her my little ikon.

I will wear Lizaveta’s now and give you this. Take it... it’s mine! It’s mine, you know,” she begged him. “We will go to suffer together, and together we will bear our cross!” “Give it me,” said Raskolnikov. He did not want to hurt her feelings. But immediately he drew back the hand he held out for the cross. “Not now, Sonia. Better later,” he added to comfort her.

“Yes, yes, better,” she repeated with conviction, “when you go to meet your suffering, then put it on. You will come to me, I’ll put it on you, we will pray and go together.” At that moment someone knocked three times at the door. “Sofya Semyonovna, may I come in?” they heard in a very familiar and polite voice. Sonia rushed to the door in a fright. The flaxen head of Mr. Lebeziatnikov appeared at the door.