PART 5 // chapter 5-2

[모나리자]

그는 돌아서서 창문으로 걸어갔다. 그녀는 잠시 서서 불안한 표정으로 그를 바라보더니, 걱정스러운 표정으로 나갔다. 아니, 그는 그녀에게 차갑지 않았다. (마지막 순간) 그녀를 팔에 안고 작별인사를 하고 싶었고, 심지어 그녀에게 말하고 싶었지만, 감히 그녀의 손을 만지지도 못했다. "나중에 내가 그녀를 껴안았다는 걸 기억하고 몸을 떨고, 내가 그녀의 키스를 훔쳤다는 걸 느낄지도 몰라." "그녀가 그 시험을 견뎌낼까?" 그는 몇 분 후에 스스로에게 말을 이었다. "아니, 견뎌내지 못할 거야. 그런 여자들은 참을 수 없어! 절대 그럴 수 없어." 그리고 그는 소냐를 생각했다. 창문에서 상쾌한 공기가 느껴졌다.

날이 저물고 있었다. 그는 모자를 쓰고 나갔다. 물론 그는 자신이 얼마나 아픈지 생각할 수 없었고, 생각하지도 않았다. 하지만 이 모든 끊임없는 불안과 마음의 고통은 그에게 영향을 미칠 수밖에 없었다. 그리고 그가 고열에 시달리지 않았다면, 아마도 이 끊임없는 내면의 긴장이 그를 다리를 쭉 뻗고 자신의 능력을 유지하는 데 도움이 되었기 때문일 것입니다. 하지만 이 인위적인 흥분은 오래 지속될 수 없었습니다. 그는 아무 목적 없이 방황했습니다. 해가 지고 있었습니다. 최근에 특별한 형태의 비참함이 그를 억압하기 시작했습니다. 그것에는 통렬한 것도, 날카로운 것도 없었습니다. 하지만 그것에는 영속성, 영원함이 있었습니다. 그것은 이 차갑고 무거운 비참함의 희망 없는 세월을 예감하게 했고, "1제곱 야드의 공간에서" 영원함을 예감하게 했습니다. 저녁 무렵이 되자 이런 감각은 보통 그에게 더 무겁게 다가왔습니다.

"이 바보 같은, 순전히 육체적인 약함으로, 일몰이나

무언가에 따라, 어리석은 짓을 하지 않을 수 없습니다! 당신은 소니아뿐만 아니라 두니아에게도 갈 것입니다." 그는 씁쓸하게 중얼거렸습니다. 그는 자신의 이름이 불리는 것을 들었습니다. 그는 주변을 둘러보았습니다. 레베지아트니코프가 그에게 달려갔습니다. "그저 상상일 뿐이야, 나는 당신을 찾아 당신의 방에 갔었어. 상상일 뿐이야, 그녀는 그녀의 계획을 실행하고 아이들을 데려갔어. 소피아 세묘노브나와 나는 그들을 찾는 일을 맡았어. 그녀는 프라이팬을 두드리고 아이들을 춤추게 하고 있어. 아이들은 울고 있어. 그들은 교차로와 상점 앞에서 계속 멈춰 서 있어; 그들을 쫓아가는 바보들이 있어. 따라와!" "그리고 소냐?" 라스콜니코프는 불안하게 물었고, 레베지아트니코프를 따라 서둘러 갔다.

"그저 미칠 뿐이야. 즉, 소피아 세묘노브나가 미칠 게 아니라 카테리나 이바노브나가 미칠 거야. 하지만 소피아 세묘노바도 미칠 거야. 하지만 카테리나 이바노브나는 완전히 미칠 거야. 그녀가 정말 미쳤다고 말할 수 있어. 그들은 경찰에 끌려갈 거야. 그게 어떤 영향을 미칠지 상상할 수 있을 거야.... 그들은 지금 다리 근처 운하 기슭에 있어. 소피아 세묘노브나의 집에서 멀지 않고, 아주 가까워." 다리 근처 운하 제방에 소냐가 묵은 집에서 두 채 떨어진 곳에 사람들이 모여 있었는데, 주로 하숙집 아이들로 구성되어 있었다. 카테리나 이바노브나의 쉰 목소리가 다리에서 들렸고, 그것은 거리 사람들을 끌어들일 만한 이상한 광경이었다. 녹색 숄을 두른 낡은 드레스를 입은 카테리나 이바노브나는 한쪽이 흉측하게 뭉개진 찢어진 밀짚모자를 쓰고 정말 흥분해 있었다.

그녀는 지쳐 있었고 숨이 가빠 있었다. 그녀의 허약한 결핵 얼굴은 그 어느 때보다 더 고통스러워 보였고, 실제로 야외에서

햇빛 아래에서 결핵 환자는 항상 집에서보다 더 나빠 보였다. 하지만 그녀의 흥분은 가라앉지 않았고, 그녀의 짜증은 매 순간 더 심해졌다. 그녀는 아이들에게 달려들어 소리를 지르고, 그들을 달래고, 군중 앞에서 춤추는 법과 노래를 말하고, 왜 그것이 필요한지 설명하기 시작했고, 그들이 이해하지 못해서 필사적으로 그들을 때렸다.... 그런 다음 그녀는 군중에게 달려들었다. 그녀는 단정한 차림의 사람이 멈춰서서 바라보는 것을 보았을 때, 즉시 그에게 이 "상류층, 귀족적인 집"에서 온 아이들이 어떻게 왔는지 보여 달라고 부탁했습니다.

그녀가 군중 속에서 웃음소리나 야유소리를 들으면, 그녀는 즉시 조롱하는 사람들에게 달려들어서 그들과 말다툼을 시작했습니다. 어떤 사람들은 웃었고, 다른 사람들은 고개를 저었지만, 모두가 겁에 질린 아이들과 함께 있는 미친 여자를 보고 호기심을 느꼈습니다. 레베지아트니코프가 말했던 프라이팬은 거기에 없었습니다. 적어도 라스콜니코프는 보지 못했습니다. 하지만 카테리나 이바노브나는 프라이팬을 두드리는 대신, 리다와 콜랴를 춤추게 하고 폴렌카를 노래하게 하면서, 허약해진 손을 박수치기 시작했습니다. 그녀도 노래에 합류했지만, 두 번째 음표에서 무서운 기침을 하며 무너졌고, 그녀는 절망에 빠져 저주를 퍼붓고 눈물까지 흘렸습니다.

"그저 미칠 뿐입니다. 소피아 세묘노브나의 미칠 듯이 흥분한 것이 아니라 카테리나 이바노브나의 미칠 듯이 흥분한 것입니다. 소피아 세묘노바도 미칠 듯이 흥분했습니다. 하지만 카테리나 이바노브나는 완전히 미칠 듯이 흥분했습니다. 그녀가 정말 미쳤다고 말씀드릴 수 있습니다. 그들은 경찰에 끌려갈 것입니다. 어떤 결과가 생길지 상상하실 수 있을 겁니다... 그들은 지금 다리 근처 운하 둑에 있습니다. 소피아 세묘노브나의 집에서 그리 멀지 않고 아주 가깝습니다." 다리 근처 운하 둑에는 소냐가 묵고 있는 집에서 두 채 떨어진 곳에 사람들이 모여 있었는데, 주로 하숙집 아이들로 구성되어 있었습니다. 카테리나 이바노브나의 쉰 목소리가 다리에서 들렸고, 거리 사람들을 끌어들일 만한 이상한 광경이었습니다. 녹색 숄을 두른 낡은 드레스를 입은 카테리나 이바노브나는 한쪽이 흉측하게 눌린 찢어진 밀짚모자를 쓰고 정말 미칠 듯이 흥분했습니다.

그녀는 지쳐 있었고 숨이 가빠 있었습니다. 그녀의 허약한 결핵 환자의 얼굴은 그 어느 때보다 더 고통스러워 보였고, 실제로 야외에서

햇빛 아래에서 결핵 환자는 항상 집에서보다 더 심하게 보였다. 하지만 그녀의 흥분은 가라앉지 않았고, 그녀의 짜증은 매 순간 더 심해졌다. 그녀는 아이들에게 달려들어 소리를 지르고, 그들을 달래고, 군중 앞에서 춤추는 법과 노래를 부르라고 말했고, 왜 그것이 필요한지 설명하기 시작했고, 그들이 이해하지 못하자 절박하게 몰아붙여 그들을 때렸다... 그런 다음 그녀는 군중에게 달려들었다. 단정한 차림의 사람이 멈춰서서 보는 것을 보면, 그녀는 즉시 그에게 이 "상류층, 귀족적인 집"에서 온 아이들이 어떻게 되었는지 보여달라고 부탁했다.

그녀가 군중 속에서 웃음소리나 야유소리를 들으면, 그녀는 즉시 조롱하는 사람들에게 달려들어 그들과 말다툼을 시작했다. 어떤 사람들은 웃었고, 다른 사람들은 고개를 저었지만, 모두가 겁에 질린 아이들을 데리고 있는 미친 여자를 보고 호기심을 느꼈다. 레베지아트니코프가 말했던 프라이팬은 거기에 없었고, 적어도 라스콜니코프는 보지 못했다. 하지만 카테리나 이바노브나는 프라이팬을 두드리는 대신, 리다와 콜랴를 춤추게 하고 폴렌카를 노래하게 했을 때, 허약해진 손을 박수치기 시작했다. 그녀도 노래에 동참했지만, 두 번째 음표에서 무서운 기침을 하며 무너졌고, 그녀는 절망에 빠져 저주를 퍼붓고 눈물까지 흘렸다.

그녀를 가장 격노하게 만든 것은 콜랴와 리다의 울음과 공포였다. 아이들을 거리 가수들이 입는 옷처럼 차려입히려는 노력이 있었다. 그 소년은 터키인처럼 보이도록 빨간색과 흰색으로 만든 터번을 두르고 있었다. 리다를 위한 의상은 없었다. 그녀는 단지 빨간색 니트 모자, 아니, 마르멜라도프의 나이트캡을 쓰고 있었는데, 깨진 흰색 타조 깃털 조각으로 장식되어 있었는데, 그것은 카테리나 이바노브나의 할머니의 것이었고, 가족 소유로 보존되어 있었다.

폴렌카는 일상복을 입고 있었다. 그녀는 어머니를 소심하게

당혹스러워하며 바라보았고, 눈물을 감추며 어머니 곁에 머물렀다. 그녀는 어머니의 상태를 희미하게 알아차리고 불안한 표정으로 주변을 둘러보았다. 그녀는 거리와 군중이 몹시 무서웠다. 소냐는 카테리나 이바노브나를 따라가며 울고 집으로 돌아가라고 간청했지만, 카테리나 이바노브나는 설득당하지 않았다. "그만해, 소냐, 그만해." 그녀는 빠르게 말하고 헐떡이며 기침을 하며 소리쳤다. "네가 뭘 묻는지 모르겠구나. 마치 어린애 같구나! 술 취한 독일인에게는 돌아가지 않겠다고 전에 말했잖아.

모두, 상트페테르부르크의 모든 사람들이 거리에서 구걸하는 아이들을 보게 하라. 그들의 아버지는 평생 진실과 충실함으로 복무한 명예로운 사람이었고, 군 복무 중에 죽었다고 할 수도 있다." (카테리나 이바노브나는 이제 이 환상적인 이야기를 만들어냈고 철저히 믿었다.) "그 비참한 장군에게 보여 주렴! 그리고 너는 어리석어, 소냐. 우리는 뭘 먹을까? 말해 봐요. 우리가 당신을 충분히 걱정시켰으니, 더 이상은 말하지 않겠어요! 아, 로디온 로마노비치, 당신이신가요?" 그녀는 라스콜니코프를 보고 그에게 달려가며 소리쳤다. "이 바보 같은 여자에게 더 나은 방법이 없다고 설명해 주세요! 오르간 연주자조차도 생계를 이어가고, 모든 사람이 우리가 다르다는 것을, 우리가 거지로 전락한 명예롭고 애도하는 가족이라는 것을 즉시 알게 될 거예요.

그리고 그 장군은 그의 직위를 잃을 거예요, 알겠죠! 우리는 매일 그의 창문 아래에서 공연을 할 거고, 차르가 지나가면 무릎을 꿇고 아이들을 내 앞에 세우고, 그에게 보여주고 '아버지, 우리를 지켜 주세요'라고 말할 거예요. 그는 아버지 없는 아이들의 아버지이고, 자비로우시고, 우리를 보호하실 거예요, 알겠죠, 그리고 그 비참한 장군... 리다, tenez vous droite! 콜야, 당신은 다시 춤을 출 거예요. 왜 징징거리고 있어요? 또 징징거리고 있어요! 뭐가 두려운 거야, 바보야? 세상에,

그 아이들을 어떻게 해야 할까, 로디온 로마노비치? 그들이 얼마나 멍청한지 알았더라면! 그런 아이들을 어떻게 해야 할까?”

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He turned away, and walked to the window. She stood a moment, looked at him uneasily, and went out troubled. No, he was not cold to her. There was an instant (the very last one) when he had longed to take her in his arms and say good-bye to her, and even to tell her, but he had not dared even to touch her hand. “Afterwards she may shudder when she remembers that I embraced her, and will feel that I stole her kiss.” “And would she stand that test?” he went on a few minutes later to himself. “No, she wouldn’t; girls like that can’t stand things! They never do.” And he thought of Sonia. There was a breath of fresh air from the window.

The daylight was fading. He took up his cap and went out. He could not, of course, and would not consider how ill he was. But all this continual anxiety and agony of mind could not but affect him. And if he were not lying in high fever it was perhaps just because this continual inner strain helped to keep him on his legs and in possession of his faculties. But this artificial excitement could not last long. He wandered aimlessly. The sun was setting. A special form of misery had begun to oppress him of late. There was nothing poignant, nothing acute about it; but there was a feeling of permanence, of eternity about it; it brought a foretaste of hopeless years of this cold leaden misery, a foretaste of an eternity “on a square yard of space.” Towards evening this sensation usually began to weigh on him more heavily.

“With this idiotic, purely physical weakness, depending on the sunset or

something, one can’t help doing something stupid! You’ll go to Dounia, as well as to Sonia,” he muttered bitterly. He heard his name called. He looked round. Lebeziatnikov rushed up to him. “Only fancy, I’ve been to your room looking for you. Only fancy, she’s carried out her plan, and taken away the children. Sofya Semyonovna and I have had a job to find them. She is rapping on a frying-pan and making the children dance. The children are crying. They keep stopping at the cross-roads and in front of shops; there’s a crowd of fools running after them. Come along!” “And Sonia?” Raskolnikov asked anxiously, hurrying after Lebeziatnikov.

“Simply frantic. That is, it’s not Sofya Semyonovna’s frantic, but Katerina Ivanovna, though Sofya Semyonova’s frantic too. But Katerina Ivanovna is absolutely frantic. I tell you she is quite mad. They’ll be taken to the police. You can fancy what an effect that will have.... They are on the canal bank, near the bridge now, not far from Sofya Semyonovna’s, quite close.” On the canal bank near the bridge and not two houses away from the one where Sonia lodged, there was a crowd of people, consisting principally of gutter children. The hoarse broken voice of Katerina Ivanovna could be heard from the bridge, and it certainly was a strange spectacle likely to attract a street crowd. Katerina Ivanovna in her old dress with the green shawl, wearing a torn straw hat, crushed in a hideous way on one side, was really frantic.

She was exhausted and breathless. Her wasted consumptive face looked more suffering than ever, and indeed out of doors in the

sunshine a consumptive always looks worse than at home. But her excitement did not flag, and every moment her irritation grew more intense. She rushed at the children, shouted at them, coaxed them, told them before the crowd how to dance and what to sing, began explaining to them why it was necessary, and driven to desperation by their not understanding, beat them.... Then she would make a rush at the crowd; if she noticed any decently dressed person stopping to look, she immediately appealed to him to see what these children “from a genteel, one may say aristocratic, house” had been brought to.

If she heard laughter or jeering in the crowd, she would rush at once at the scoffers and begin squabbling with them. Some people laughed, others shook their heads, but everyone felt curious at the sight of the madwoman with the frightened children. The frying-pan of which Lebeziatnikov had spoken was not there, at least Raskolnikov did not see it. But instead of rapping on the pan, Katerina Ivanovna began clapping her wasted hands, when she made Lida and Kolya dance and Polenka sing. She too joined in the singing, but broke down at the second note with a fearful cough, which made her curse in despair and even shed tears.

“Simply frantic. That is, it’s not Sofya Semyonovna’s frantic, but Katerina Ivanovna, though Sofya Semyonova’s frantic too. But Katerina Ivanovna is absolutely frantic. I tell you she is quite mad. They’ll be taken to the police. You can fancy what an effect that will have.... They are on the canal bank, near the bridge now, not far from Sofya Semyonovna’s, quite close.” On the canal bank near the bridge and not two houses away from the one where Sonia lodged, there was a crowd of people, consisting principally of gutter children. The hoarse broken voice of Katerina Ivanovna could be heard from the bridge, and it certainly was a strange spectacle likely to attract a street crowd. Katerina Ivanovna in her old dress with the green shawl, wearing a torn straw hat, crushed in a hideous way on one side, was really frantic.

She was exhausted and breathless. Her wasted consumptive face looked more suffering than ever, and indeed out of doors in the

sunshine a consumptive always looks worse than at home. But her excitement did not flag, and every moment her irritation grew more intense. She rushed at the children, shouted at them, coaxed them, told them before the crowd how to dance and what to sing, began explaining to them why it was necessary, and driven to desperation by their not understanding, beat them.... Then she would make a rush at the crowd; if she noticed any decently dressed person stopping to look, she immediately appealed to him to see what these children “from a genteel, one may say aristocratic, house” had been brought to.

If she heard laughter or jeering in the crowd, she would rush at once at the scoffers and begin squabbling with them. Some people laughed, others shook their heads, but everyone felt curious at the sight of the madwoman with the frightened children. The frying-pan of which Lebeziatnikov had spoken was not there, at least Raskolnikov did not see it. But instead of rapping on the pan, Katerina Ivanovna began clapping her wasted hands, when she made Lida and Kolya dance and Polenka sing. She too joined in the singing, but broke down at the second note with a fearful cough, which made her curse in despair and even shed tears.

What made her most furious was the weeping and terror of Kolya and Lida. Some effort had been made to dress the children up as street singers are dressed. The boy had on a turban made of something red and white to look like a Turk. There had been no costume for Lida; she simply had a red knitted cap, or rather a night cap that had belonged to Marmeladov, decorated with a broken piece of white ostrich feather, which had been Katerina Ivanovna’s grandmother’s and had been preserved as a family possession.

Polenka was in her everyday dress; she looked in timid

perplexity at her mother, and kept at her side, hiding her tears. She dimly realised her mother’s condition, and looked uneasily about her. She was terribly frightened of the street and the crowd. Sonia followed Katerina Ivanovna, weeping and beseeching her to return home, but Katerina Ivanovna was not to be persuaded. “Leave off, Sonia, leave off,” she shouted, speaking fast, panting and coughing. “You don’t know what you ask; you are like a child! I’ve told you before that I am not coming back to that drunken German.

Let everyone, let all Petersburg see the children begging in the streets, though their father was an honourable man who served all his life in truth and fidelity, and one may say died in the service.” (Katerina Ivanovna had by now invented this fantastic story and thoroughly believed it.) “Let that wretch of a general see it! And you are silly, Sonia: what have we to eat? Tell me that. We have worried you enough, I won’t go on so! Ah, Rodion Romanovitch, is that you?” she cried, seeing Raskolnikov and rushing up to him. “Explain to this silly girl, please, that nothing better could be done! Even organ-grinders earn their living, and everyone will see at once that we are different, that we are an honourable and bereaved family reduced to beggary.

And that general will lose his post, you’ll see! We shall perform under his windows every day, and if the Tsar drives by, I’ll fall on my knees, put the children before me, show them to him, and say ‘Defend us father.’ He is the father of the fatherless, he is merciful, he’ll protect us, you’ll see, and that wretch of a general.... Lida, tenez vous droite! Kolya, you’ll dance again. Why are you whimpering? Whimpering again! What are you afraid of, stupid? Goodness,

what am I to do with them, Rodion Romanovitch? If you only knew how stupid they are! What’s one to do with such children?”