PART 6 // chapter 2-1

[모나리자]

아, 이 담배!" 마침내 포르피리 페트로비치가 담배를 피우고 나서 사정했다. "이 담배는 해롭습니다. 정말 해롭지만, 포기할 수가 없어요! 기침이 나고, 목이 간지럽고, 호흡이 곤란해집니다. 제가 겁쟁이라는 걸 알잖아요. 얼마 전에 B——n 박사한테 갔어요. 그는 항상 환자 한 명당 30분은 주거든요. 그는 나를 보고 웃으며, 내 말을 알아듣고 말했다. '담배는 건강에 해롭습니다. 폐가 영향을 받습니다.' 하지만 어떻게 포기할 수 있을까요? 대체할 게 뭐가 있을까요?

저는 술을 마시지 않아요. 그게 장난이에요. 하하하, 제가 안 마셔서요. 모든 게 상대적이에요, 로디온 로마노비치, 모든 게 상대적이에요!"

"아, 그는 또 프로다운 짓을 하고 있군요." 라스콜니코프가 혐오감을 느끼며 생각했다. 그들의 마지막 면담의 모든 상황이 갑자기 그에게 떠올랐고, 그는 그때 느꼈던 감정이 밀려오는 것을 느꼈다. "어제 전날 저녁에 당신을 만나러 왔어요. 몰랐어요?" 포르피리 페트로비치가 말을 이어 방을 둘러보았다. "저는 바로 이 방으로 들어왔어요. 오늘처럼 지나가다가 전화를 돌려드리려고 했어요. 당신의 문이 활짝 열려 있는 걸 보고 들어와서 주변을 둘러보고 기다렸다가 하인에게 제 이름을 남기지 않고 나갔어요.

문을 잠그지 않았어요?" 라스콜니코프의 얼굴이 점점 더 우울해졌다. 포르피리는 그의 심경을 짐작하는 듯했다. "로디온 로마노비치, 당신과 싸워야겠어요! 설명해야 할 게 있어서 설명해야 해요." 그는 가볍게 미소를 지으며 말을 이어갔고, 라스콜니코프의 무릎을 두드렸다. 하지만 거의 동시에 그의 얼굴에 진지하고 근심 어린 표정이 나타났다. 놀랍게도 라스콜니코프는 그 안에 슬픔의 기색이 엿보였다. 그는 그의 얼굴에 그런 표정이 있는 것을 본 적도 없고, 의심한 적도 없었다. "지난번에 만났을 때 우리 사이에 이상한 장면이 흘렀지, 로디온 로마노비치.

우리의 첫 번째 면담도 이상했지만, 그런데... 그리고 또 다른 일이 일어났다! 요점은 이거야: 내가 당신에게 불공평하게 행동했을지도 몰라. 나는 그걸 느껴. 우리가 어떻게 헤어졌는지 기억나? 당신의 신경은 풀렸고, 당신의 무릎은 떨렸고, 나도 그랬어. 그리고, 알다시피, 우리의 행동은 어울리지 않았고, 심지어 신사답지 않았어. 하지만 우리는 신사야, 무엇보다도, 어쨌든 신사야. 그건 이해해야 해. 우리가 무슨 생각을 했는지 기억나?... 그리고 그것은 매우 예의 없는 짓이었어."

"그는 뭘 하는 거지, 그는 나를 뭐로 생각하는 거지?"

라스콜니코프는 놀라서 스스로에게 물으며 고개를 들고 눈을 뜨고 포르피리를 바라보았다. "우리 사이에는 솔직하게 지내는 게 낫다고 결정했어." 포르피리 페트로비치가 말을 이었다. 마치 전 희생자를 당황하게 하고 싶지 않고, 전의 교활함을 멸시하는 듯 고개를 돌리고 눈을 떨어뜨렸다. "그래, 그런 의심과 그런 광경은 오래갈 수 없어.

니콜라이가 막았어. 아니면 우리가 무슨 일이 일어났을지 모르겠어. 그 빌어먹을 일꾼이 그때 옆방에 앉아 있었어. 알아? 물론 알잖아. 그리고 그가 나중에 너한테 왔다는 것도 알아. 하지만 그때 네가 생각했던 건 사실이 아니었어. 나는 아무도 부르지 않았고, 아무런 준비도 하지 않았어.

왜 그러지 않았냐고 묻잖아. 뭐라고 말해야 할까? 모든 게 갑자기 떠올랐어. 짐꾼을 부르지도 않았어(나가면서 눈치챘잖아). 생각이 번쩍 떠올랐어. 그때 나는 확신했어. 로디온 로마노비치 말이야. 오, 나는 생각했다. 비록 내가 한 가지를 잠시 놓친다 해도, 나는 다른 것을 붙잡을 것이다. 나는 어차피 내가 원하는 것을 잃지 않을 것이다. 당신은 성격상 신경질적으로 짜증이 난다, 로디온 로마노비치. 그것은 당신의 마음과 성격의 다른 특성들과 비례하지 않는다. 나는 어느 정도 그것을 알아챘다고 스스로에게 자랑한다.

물론 그때도 남자가 일어나서 자신의 이야기를 다 터뜨리는 일이 항상 일어나는 것은 아니라는 것을 반성했습니다. 가끔은 남자가 참을성을 잃게 만들 때도 있지만, 그럴 때도 드뭅니다. 저는 그것을 깨달을 수 있었습니다. 사실만 있다면, 생각할 수 있는 가장 작은 사실이라도, 붙잡을 수 있는 무언가, 심리적인 것이 아니라 실질적인 무언가라면 말입니다. 남자가 유죄라면, 그에게서

실질적인 무언가를 얻어낼 수 있어야 합니다. 정말 놀라운 결과를 기대할 수 있습니다. 저는 당신의 기질을 예상했습니다, 로디온 로마노비치, 무엇보다도 당신의 기질을! 그때는 당신에게 큰 기대를 걸었습니다."

"하지만 지금은 무슨 말을 하는 거지?" 라스콜니코프가 마침내 중얼거리며 생각 없이 질문을 했습니다. "그는 무슨 말을 하는 거지?" 그는 산만하게 궁금해했습니다. "그는 정말 내가 무죄하다고 생각하는 거야?" "내가 무슨 말을 하는 거지? 나는 스스로를 설명하러 왔어. 말하자면, 그것이 내 의무라고 생각해. 나는 당신에게 이 모든 일, 모든 오해가 어떻게 생겨났는지 분명히 말하고 싶습니다. 나는 당신에게 많은 고통을 안겨주었습니다, 로디온 로마노비치. 나는 괴물이 아닙니다.

나는 불행했지만 거만하고, 오만하고, 무엇보다도 참을성이 없는 사람이 그런 대우를 견뎌야 한다는 것이 무엇을 의미하는지 이해합니다! 나는 어쨌든 당신을 고귀한 성격의 사람으로 여기고, 관대한 요소가 없는 것은 아니지만, 당신의 모든 신념에 동의하지는 않습니다. 나는 이것을 당신에게 먼저 솔직하고 진심으로 말하고 싶었습니다. 무엇보다도 당신을 속이고 싶지 않기 때문입니다.

당신을 알게 되었을 때, 나는 당신에게 끌렸다고 느꼈습니다. 아마도 당신은 내가 그렇게 말하는 것을 보고 웃을 것입니다. 당신은 그럴 권리가 있습니다. 나는 당신이 처음부터 나를 싫어했다는 것을 알고 있으며, 사실 당신은 나를 좋아할 이유가 없습니다. 당신은 당신이 좋아하는 것을 생각할 수도 있지만, 나는 지금 그 인상을 지우고 내가 마음과 양심이 있는 사람이라는 것을 보여주기 위해 내가 할 수 있는 모든 것을 하고 싶습니다. 나는 진심으로 말합니다." 포르피리 페트로비치는 품위 있는 침묵을 지켰다. 라스콜니코프는 새로운 경각심을 느꼈다. 포르피리가 자신을 무죄하다고 믿는다는 생각이 그를 불안하게 만들기 시작했다.

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CHAPTER II

“Ah these cigarettes!” Porfiry Petrovitch ejaculated at last, having lighted one. “They are pernicious, positively pernicious, and yet I can’t give them up! I cough, I begin to have tickling in my throat and a difficulty in breathing. You know I am a coward, I went lately to Dr. B——n; he always gives at least half an hour to each patient. He positively laughed looking at me; he sounded me: ‘Tobacco’s bad for you,’ he said, ‘your lungs are affected.’ But how am I to give it up? What is there to take its place?

I don’t drink, that’s the mischief, he-he-he, that I don’t. Everything is relative, Rodion Romanovitch, everything is relative!”

“Why, he’s playing his professional tricks again,” Raskolnikov thought with disgust. All the circumstances of their last interview suddenly came back to him, and he felt a rush of the feeling that had come upon him then. “I came to see you the day before yesterday, in the evening; you didn’t know?” Porfiry Petrovitch went on, looking round the room. “I came into this very room. I was passing by, just as I did to-day, and I thought I’d return your call. I walked in as your door was wide open, I looked round, waited and went out without leaving my name with your servant.

Don’t you lock your door?” Raskolnikov’s face grew more and more gloomy. Porfiry seemed to guess his state of mind. “I’ve come to have it out with you, Rodion Romanovitch, my dear fellow! I owe you an explanation and must give it to you,” he continued with a slight smile, just patting Raskolnikov’s knee. But almost at the same instant a serious and careworn look came into his face; to his surprise Raskolnikov saw a touch of sadness in it. He had never seen and never suspected such an expression‎ in his face. “A strange scene passed between us last time we met, Rodion Romanovitch.

Our first interview, too, was a strange one; but then... and one thing after another! This is the point: I have perhaps acted unfairly to you; I feel it. Do you remember how we parted? Your nerves were unhinged and your knees were shaking and so were mine. And, you know, our behaviour was unseemly, even ungentlemanly. And yet we are gentlemen, above all, in any case, gentlemen; that must be understood. Do you remember what we came to?... and it was quite indecorous.”

“What is he up to, what does he take me for?”

Raskolnikov asked himself in amazement, raising his head and looking with open eyes on Porfiry. “I’ve decided openness is better between us,” Porfiry Petrovitch went on, turning his head away and dropping his eyes, as though unwilling to disconcert his former victim and as though disdaining his former wiles. “Yes, such suspicions and such scenes cannot continue for long.

Nikolay put a stop to it, or I don’t know what we might not have come to. That damned workman was sitting at the time in the next room—can you realise that? You know that, of course; and I am aware that he came to you afterwards. But what you supposed then was not true: I had not sent for anyone, I had made no kind of arrangements.

You ask why I hadn’t? What shall I say to you? it had all come upon me so suddenly. I had scarcely sent for the porters (you noticed them as you went out, I dare say). An idea flashed upon me; I was firmly convinced at the time, you see, Rodion Romanovitch. Come, I thought—even if I let one thing slip for a time, I shall get hold of something else—I shan’t lose what I want, anyway. You are nervously irritable, Rodion Romanovitch, by temperament; it’s out of proportion with other qualities of your heart and character, which I flatter myself I have to some extent divined.

Of course I did reflect even then that it does not always happen that a man gets up and blurts out his whole story. It does happen sometimes, if you make a man lose all patience, though even then it’s rare. I was capable of realising that. If I only had a fact, I thought, the least little fact to go upon, something I could lay hold of, something tangible, not merely psychological. For if a man is guilty, you must be able to get something

substantial out of him; one may reckon upon most surprising results indeed. I was reckoning on your temperament, Rodion Romanovitch, on your temperament above all things! I had great hopes of you at that time.”

“But what are you driving at now?” Raskolnikov muttered at last, asking the question without thinking. “What is he talking about?” he wondered distractedly, “does he really take me to be innocent?” “What am I driving at? I’ve come to explain myself, I consider it my duty, so to speak. I want to make clear to you how the whole business, the whole misunderstanding arose. I’ve caused you a great deal of suffering, Rodion Romanovitch. I am not a monster.

I understand what it must mean for a man who has been unfortunate, but who is proud, imperious and above all, impatient, to have to bear such treatment! I regard you in any case as a man of noble character and not without elements of magnanimity, though I don’t agree with all your convictions. I wanted to tell you this first, frankly and quite sincerely, for above all I don’t want to deceive you.

When I made your acquaintance, I felt attracted by you. Perhaps you will laugh at my saying so. You have a right to. I know you disliked me from the first and indeed you’ve no reason to like me. You may think what you like, but I desire now to do all I can to efface that impression and to show that I am a man of heart and conscience. I speak sincerely.” Porfiry Petrovitch made a dignified pause. Raskolnikov felt a rush of renewed alarm. The thought that Porfiry believed him to be innocent began to make him uneasy.

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