PART 6 // chapter 2-2

[모나리자]

모든 것을 자세히 설명할 필요는 거의 없습니다." 포르피리 페트로비치가 계속했습니다. "사실, 저는 거의 시도할 수 없었습니다. 우선 소문이 있었습니다. 누구를 통해, 어떻게, 언제 그 소문이 제게 전해졌는지... 그리고 그것이 당신에게 어떤 영향을 미쳤는지에 대해서는 설명할 필요가 없습니다. 제 의심은 완전한 사고로 인해 생겼는데, 그것은 일어나지 않았을 수도 있습니다. 무슨 일이었을까요? 흠! 그것에 대해서도 설명할 필요가 없다고 생각합니다. 그 소문과 그 사고는 제 마음속에 한 가지 생각을 불러일으켰습니다. 저는 그것을 공개적으로 인정합니다. 그냥 떠드는 게 나을 테니까요. 제가 당신을 처음으로 비난했습니다.

그 노파의 공약과 그 밖의 것에 대한 메모는 모두 무산되었습니다. 당신의 메모는 백 개 중 하나였습니다. 저는 또한 사무실에서의 장면에 대해 우연히 들었습니다. 그 장면을 대담하게 묘사하고 무의식적으로 그 장면을 매우 생생하게 재현하는 한 남자에게서 들었습니다. 로디온 로마노비치, 나의 친애하는 친구여! 어떻게 특정한 생각에 이끌리지 않을 수 있겠는가? 토끼 백 마리로 말을 만들 수는 없고, 의심 백 개로 증거를 만들 수는 없다고 영국 속담에 나와 있지만, 그것은 이성적인 관점에서만 그렇다. 편파적일 수밖에 없다. 결국 변호사도 인간일 뿐이니까.

나도 그 저널에 실린 당신의 기사를 생각했는데, 기억나? 처음 방문했을 때 그 기사에 대해 이야기했었지? 그때 나는 당신을 비웃었지만, 그것은 단지 당신을 이끌기 위한 것이었다. 다시 말하지만, 로디온 로마노비치, 당신은 아프고 참을성이 없다. 당신은 대담하고, 완고하고, 진지했고... 오래 전부터 내가 알고 있던 많은 것을 느꼈다. 나도 똑같은 것을 느꼈고, 그래서 당신의 기사가 내게 친숙하게 느껴졌다. 그것은 잠 못 이루는 밤에, 두근거리는 심장과 황홀함과 억눌린 열정 속에서 생각난 것이었다. 그리고 젊은이들의 그 자랑스럽고 억눌린 열정은 위험하다!

그때 나는 당신을 비웃었지만, 문학 아마추어로서 나는 그런 첫 번째

에세이를 무척 좋아한다는 걸 말씀드리죠. 청춘의 열기가 가득합니다. 안개 속에서는 안개와 화음이 울립니다. 당신의 기사는 터무니없고 환상적이지만, 그 안에는 투명한 성실함, 젊음의 부패하지 않는 자부심, 절망의 대담함이 있습니다. 우울한 기사지만, 그게 괜찮은 것입니다. 당신의 기사를 읽고 옆에 두면서 '그 남자는 평범한 길을 가지 않을 거야.'라고 생각했습니다. 글쎄요, 그 후에 예비적으로 묻겠습니다. 어떻게 그 뒤에 이어지는 내용에 휩쓸리지 않을 수 있겠어요?

오, 세상에, 나는 아무 말도 하지 않고, 지금 어떤 진술도 하지 않습니다. 나는 그저 그때 그것을 기록했을 뿐입니다. 그 안에 무엇이 있을까요? 나는 숙고했습니다. 그 안에는 아무것도 없습니다. 그것은 정말 아무것도 아니고 아마도 절대적으로 아무것도 아닐 것입니다. 그리고 검사가 개념에 휘말리는 것은 전혀 문제가 되지 않습니다. 여기 니콜라이가 그에게 불리한 실제 증거를 가지고 있습니다. 여러분은 어떻게 생각하시든, 그것은 증거입니다. 그는 자신의 심리도 가지고 있습니다. 생사의 문제이기 때문에 그를 고려해야 합니다. 왜 제가 이것을 여러분에게 설명하는 걸까요? 여러분이 이해하고 그때 제 악의적인 행동을 비난하지 않기 위해서입니다. 그것은 악의적이지 않았습니다, 저는 확신합니다, 하하! 제가 그때 당신의 방을 수색하러 오지 않았다고 생각하십니까?

그랬습니다, 그랬습니다, 하하! 저는 당신이 공식적으로는 아니고, 제 개인으로는 아니지만, 여기 있었습니다. 첫 번째 의심에서 당신의 방은 마지막 실까지 수색되었습니다. 하지만 엄연히! 저는 스스로 생각했습니다. 이제 그 사람이 올 것입니다. 스스로 그리고 재빨리 올 것입니다. 그가 유죄라면 그는 틀림없이 올 것입니다. 다른 사람은 그렇지 않을 것이지만, 그는 올 것입니다. 그리고 라주미힌 씨가 당신과 그 주제에 대해 논의하기 시작한 것을 기억하십니까? 우리는 당신을 흥분시키기 위해 그것을 마련했고, 그래서 우리는 그가 당신과 그 사건에 대해 논의할 수 있도록 의도적으로 소문을 퍼뜨렸고, 라주미힌은 분노를 억제할 사람이 아닙니다.

자메토프 씨는 당신의 분노와 노골적인 대담함에 엄청나게 충격을 받았습니다.

식당에서 '내가 그녀를 죽였다'고 갑자기 말하는 것을 생각해 보세요. 너무 대담하고 무모했습니다. 저도 그렇게 생각했습니다. 그가 유죄라면 강력한 상대가 될 겁니다. 그때는 그렇게 생각했습니다. 저는 당신을 기대하고 있었습니다. 하지만 당신은 그저 자메토프를 쓰러뜨렸고... 글쎄요, 알다시피, 모든 것은 여기에 있습니다. 이 저주받은 심리는 두 가지 방식으로 해석될 수 있다는 것입니다! 글쎄요, 저는 계속 당신을 기대했고, 그렇게 되었습니다. 당신이 왔습니다! 제 심장은 꽤 쿵쾅거렸습니다. 아차! "이제 왜 당신이 와야 했습니까? 당신이 들어왔을 때 당신의 웃음소리도 기억하십니까? 저는 모든 것을 대낮처럼 똑똑히 보았지만, 당신을 그렇게 특별히 기대하지 않았다면 당신의 웃음소리에 아무것도 눈치채지 못했을 것입니다. 기분이 얼마나 큰 영향을 미치는지 보셨죠!

라주미힌 씨, 그럼—아, 그 돌, 그 돌 아래에 물건들이 숨겨져 있었습니다! 주방 정원 어딘가에 보이는 것 같습니다. 주방 정원에서였다고 자메토프에게 말했고, 나중에 내 사무실에서도 그 말을 반복했나요? 그리고 우리가 당신의 기사를 조각조각 뜯어내기 시작했을 때, 어떻게 설명했나요! 마치 다른 의미가 숨겨진 것처럼 당신의 모든 단어를 두 가지 의미로 받아들일 수 있었습니다. "그래서 이런 식으로, 로디온 로마노비치, 나는 가장 먼 한계에 도달했고, 기둥에 머리를 부딪히며 일어나서 내가 무슨 일을 하고 있는지 스스로에게 물었습니다. 결국, 당신이 원한다면 모든 것을 다른 의미로 받아들일 수 있고, 그것이 실제로 더 자연스럽다고 말했습니다.

나는 그것이 더 자연스럽다는 것을 인정하지 않을 수 없었습니다. 나는 귀찮았습니다! '아니, 나는 작은 사실을 붙잡는 것이 낫겠다'고 말했습니다. 그래서 종소리가 울린다는 소식을 들었을 때, 나는 숨을 멈추고 온통 떨렸습니다. '여기 내 작은 사실이 있다'고 생각했고, 그것에 대해 생각하지 않았습니다. 단순히 생각하지 않았습니다. 그 순간 나는 당신이 그 노동자 옆을 백 걸음 걸어가는 것을 내 눈으로 직접 볼 수만 있다면 천 루블을 주었을 겁니다. 그가 당신을 살인자라고 불렀을 때, 당신은 감히 그에게 질문조차 하지 못했을 때

전부. 그리고 당신의 떨림은 어떻고, 당신의 병으로, 반쯤 정신이 나간 상태에서 종을 울리는 것은 어떻습니까? "그러니, 로디온 로마노비치, 내가 당신에게 그런 장난을 쳤다는 것을 의심할 수 있습니까? 그리고 무엇이 당신을 바로 그 순간에 오게 했나요?

누군가가 당신을 보낸 것 같습니다, 제우스가! 그리고 니콜라이가 우리를 갈라놓지 않았다면... 그리고 당신은 그때 니콜라이를 기억합니까? 당신은 그를 똑똑히 기억합니까? 그것은 번개였습니다, 평범한 번개였습니다! 그리고 내가 그를 만난 방법! 나는 번개를 믿지 않았습니다, 한순간도. 당신은 그것을 직접 볼 수 있었습니다; 그리고 내가 어떻게 볼 수 있었습니까? 그 후에도, 당신이 떠난 뒤에도 그는 어떤 점에 대해 매우, 매우 그럴듯한 대답을 하기 시작해서, 나 자신도 놀랐지만, 그때도 나는 그의 이야기를 믿지 않았습니다!

바위처럼 굳건하다는 것이 어떤 것인지 보셨군요! 아니, 모르겐프뤼흐, 나는 생각했습니다. 니콜라이가 그것과 무슨 상관이 있습니까!" "방금 라주미힌이 당신이 니콜라이를 유죄라고 생각하고 직접 그에게 확신시켰다고 말했어요..." 그의 목소리가 들리지 않았고, 그는 말을 끊었습니다. 그는 형언할 수 없는 동요 속에서, 그를 꿰뚫어 본 이 사람이 자기에게로 돌아가는 것을 듣고 있었습니다. 그는 그것을 믿는 것이 두려웠고 믿지 않았습니다. 여전히 모호한 그 말 속에서 그는 더 확실하고 결정적인 것을 간절히 찾고 있었습니다.

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“It’s scarcely necessary to go over everything in detail,” Porfiry Petrovitch went on. “Indeed, I could scarcely attempt it. To begin with there were rumours. Through whom, how, and when those rumours came to me... and how they affected you, I need not go into. My suspicions were aroused by a complete accident, which might just as easily not have happened. What was it? Hm! I believe there is no need to go into that either. Those rumours and that accident led to one idea in my mind. I admit it openly—for one may as well make a clean breast of it—I was the first to pitch on you.

The old woman’s notes on the pledges and the rest of it—that all came to nothing. Yours was one of a hundred. I happened, too, to hear of the scene at the office, from a man who described it capitally, unconsciously reproducing the scene with great vividness. It was just one thing after another, Rodion Romanovitch, my dear fellow! How could I avoid being brought to certain ideas? From a hundred rabbits you can’t make a horse, a hundred suspicions don’t make a proof, as the English proverb says, but that’s only from the rational point of view—you can’t help being partial, for after all a lawyer is only human.

I thought, too, of your article in that journal, do you remember, on your first visit we talked of it? I jeered at you at the time, but that was only to lead you on. I repeat, Rodion Romanovitch, you are ill and impatient. That you were bold, headstrong, in earnest and... had felt a great deal I recognised long before. I, too, have felt the same, so that your article seemed familiar to me. It was conceived on sleepless nights, with a throbbing heart, in ecstasy and suppressed enthusiasm. And that proud suppressed enthusiasm in young people is dangerous!

I jeered at you then, but let me tell you that, as a literary amateur, I am awfully fond of such first

essays, full of the heat of youth. There is a mistiness and a chord vibrating in the mist. Your article is absurd and fantastic, but there’s a transparent sincerity, a youthful incorruptible pride and the daring of despair in it. It’s a gloomy article, but that’s what’s fine in it. I read your article and put it aside, thinking as I did so ‘that man won’t go the common way.’ Well, I ask you, after that as a preliminary, how could I help being carried away by what followed?

Oh, dear, I am not saying anything, I am not making any statement now. I simply noted it at the time. What is there in it? I reflected. There’s nothing in it, that is really nothing and perhaps absolutely nothing. And it’s not at all the thing for the prosecutor to let himself be carried away by notions: here I have Nikolay on my hands with actual evidence against him—you may think what you like of it, but it’s evidence. He brings in his psychology, too; one has to consider him, too, for it’s a matter of life and death. Why am I explaining this to you? That you may understand, and not blame my malicious behaviour on that occasion. It was not malicious, I assure you, he-he! Do you suppose I didn’t come to search your room at the time?

I did, I did, he-he! I was here when you were lying ill in bed, not officially, not in my own person, but I was here. Your room was searched to the last thread at the first suspicion; but umsonst! I thought to myself, now that man will come, will come of himself and quickly, too; if he’s guilty, he’s sure to come. Another man wouldn’t, but he will. And you remember how Mr. Razumihin began discussing the subject with you? We arranged that to excite you, so we purposely spread rumours, that he might discuss the case with you, and Razumihin is not a man to restrain his indignation.

Mr. Zametov was tremendously struck by your anger and your open daring.

Think of blurting out in a restaurant ‘I killed her.’ It was too daring, too reckless. I thought so myself, if he is guilty he will be a formidable opponent. That was what I thought at the time. I was expecting you. But you simply bowled Zametov over and... well, you see, it all lies in this—that this damnable psychology can be taken two ways! Well, I kept expecting you, and so it was, you came! My heart was fairly throbbing. Ach! “Now, why need you have come? Your laughter, too, as you came in, do you remember? I saw it all plain as daylight, but if I hadn’t expected you so specially, I should not have noticed anything in your laughter. You see what influence a mood has! Mr.

Razumihin then—ah, that stone, that stone under which the things were hidden! I seem to see it somewhere in a kitchen garden. It was in a kitchen garden, you told Zametov and afterwards you repeated that in my office? And when we began picking your article to pieces, how you explained it! One could take every word of yours in two senses, as though there were another meaning hidden. “So in this way, Rodion Romanovitch, I reached the furthest limit, and knocking my head against a post, I pulled myself up, asking myself what I was about. After all, I said, you can take it all in another sense if you like, and it’s more natural so, indeed.

I couldn’t help admitting it was more natural. I was bothered! ‘No, I’d better get hold of some little fact’ I said. So when I heard of the bell-ringing, I held my breath and was all in a tremor. ‘Here is my little fact,’ thought I, and I didn’t think it over, I simply wouldn’t. I would have given a thousand roubles at that minute to have seen you with my own eyes, when you walked a hundred paces beside that workman, after he had called you murderer to your face, and you did not dare to ask him a question

all the way. And then what about your trembling, what about your bell-ringing in your illness, in semi-delirium? “And so, Rodion Romanovitch, can you wonder that I played such pranks on you? And what made you come at that very minute?

Someone seemed to have sent you, by Jove! And if Nikolay had not parted us... and do you remember Nikolay at the time? Do you remember him clearly? It was a thunderbolt, a regular thunderbolt! And how I met him! I didn’t believe in the thunderbolt, not for a minute. You could see it for yourself; and how could I? Even afterwards, when you had gone and he began making very, very plausible answers on certain points, so that I was surprised at him myself, even then I didn’t believe his story!

You see what it is to be as firm as a rock! No, thought I, Morgenfrüh. What has Nikolay got to do with it!” “Razumihin told me just now that you think Nikolay guilty and had yourself assured him of it....” His voice failed him, and he broke off. He had been listening in indescribable agitation, as this man who had seen through and through him, went back upon himself. He was afraid of believing it and did not believe it. In those still ambiguous words he kept eagerly looking for something more definite and conclusive.

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