Why you don't have friends in Korea 당신은 왜 한국에서 친구가 없을까?

[김우정]

우리나라에서 20년 이상 살아온 외국인의 눈으로본 한국인의 인간관계에 관한 흥미로운 칼럼입니다.
그의 의견에 의하면 한국인은 언니, 형, 동생 등의 관계가 강해서 친구는 많지않다는 시각입니다.
저자 자신도 인간 데이비드 보다는 교수, 아버지, 형베, 삼촌 등으로 인식된다는 것입니다.
타인을 인식할때 직함(교수, 의사, 회사원...), 관계(형, 오빠, 처남...) 을 중시합니다.
백인을 무조건 우대하는 경향을 꼬집기도 합니다.
 
Why you don't have friends in Korea
당신은 왜 한국에서 친구가 없을까?

By David A. Tizzard
David A. Tizzard has a doctorate in Korean Studies and lectures at Seoul Women's University and Hanyang University. He is a social-cultural commentator and musician who has lived in Korea for nearly two decades. He is also the host of the "Korea Deconstructed" podcast, which can be found online. He can be reached at datizzard@swu.ac.kr.
데이비드 A. 티저드 
데이비드 티저드는 서울여자대학교와 한양대학교에서 한국학 박사학위를 받고 강의를 하고 있다. 그는 한국에서 20년 가까이 살아온 사회문화해설가이자 음악가이다. 그는 온라인에서 볼 수 있는 "Korea Deconstructed" 팟캐스트의 진행자이기도 하다. 그는 datizzard@swu.ac.kr 로 연락할 수 있다.
Posted : 2024-03-16 22:39 Updated : 2024-03-17 16:49
Korea Times

Courtesy of Anthony Tran 앤토니 트란제공

David A. Tizzard 데이비드 티자드

My daughter was jumping around the room, happy she was going to play with the girl next door. I looked at her and asked simply, “Your friend is coming round later. Are you happy?” Without missing a beat, she stared up at me and replied, “Daddy. She’s not my friend. She’s my Unnie.”
제 딸은 옆집 소녀와 놀기로 기뻐하며 방을 뛰어다니고 있었다. 나는 딸을 바라보며 "네 친구가 나중에 올 거야. 행복하니?"라고 간단히 물었다. 딸은 한 박자도 놓치지 않고 저를 올려다보며, "아빠. 제 친구가 아니에요. 제 언니예요."라고 대답했다.

Elizabeth is only 8 years old but she’s already able to describe her Korean relationships to other people in English. A friend is someone who is the same age as her (dong-gap). With these “chingu,” she can use the simplest form of language and doesn’t have to worry about honorifics. Those older than her become unnie (girls) or oppa (boys). When they are younger, they are “dong-saeng,” and she uses their names frequently. For the most part in Korean society, you do not use the name of someone older than you. You use titles. And people quicky establish their relationship with other people. It’s generally done by age but titles and position also come into it.
엘리자베스는 겨우 8살이지만 그녀는 이미 다른 사람들에게 그녀의 한국 관계를 영어로 묘사할 수 있다. 친구는 그녀와 같은 나이인 사람이다. 이 "친구"로, 그녀는 가장 단순한 형태의 언어를 사용할 수 있고 존댓말에 대해 걱정할 필요가 없다. 그녀보다 나이가 많은 사람들은 언니(여자 아이)나 오빠(남자 아이)가 된다. 그들이 더 어릴 때, 그들은 "동생"이고 그녀는 그들의 이름을 자주 사용한다. 한국사회에서, 대부분, 당신은 당신보다 나이가 많은 사람의 이름을 사용하지 않는다. 당신은 직함을 사용한다. 그리고 사람들은 다른 사람들과 빠르게 관계를 맺는다. 그것은 일반적으로 나이에 의해 행해지지만 직함과 지위 또한 그것에 포함된다.

I’ve known my sister-in-law for about 12 years. We have travelled to different countries, eat and drink together regularly, and she plays a huge role in raising our children. Sometimes, admittedly after a few too many glasses of port, I say her actual name when speaking Korean as a way of testing the waters. Doing so brings an immediate glare from her and an over-reaction as if I’ve just committed some incredible sin. “Hey!”, she shouts. “You need to call me cho-hyung!” This is a title that a man is meant to use when addressing his wife’s older sister.
나는 처형을 약 12년 동안 알고 지냈다. 우리는 다른 나라로 여행을 했고, 정기적으로 함께 식사하고 술을 마셨고, 그녀는 우리의 아이들을 키우는데 엄청난 역할을 했다. 때때로, 나는 물을 검사하는 방법으로 그녀의 실제 이름을 한국어로 말할 때 분명히 그녀의 실제 이름을 말한다. 그렇게 하는 것은 그녀로부터 즉각적인 눈총을 받고 마치 내가 방금 어떤 믿을 수 없는 죄를 지은 것처럼 과잉 반응을 불러온다. "이봐요!"라고 그녀는 외친다. "나를 처형이라고 불러야 해요!" 이것은 남자가 그의 아내의 언니를 부를 때 사용하게 되는 호칭이다.

Things get a little more complicated with my wife’s younger brother. He is older than me and so, technically, I would be using honorific language with him. However, because I’m married to his older sister, I go above him in status and so he should technically be using honorific language with me. The result is a wonderful dance we do of being overly polite and formal with each other at times and then completely loose and natural at other times.
아내의 남동생은 일이 좀 더 복잡해진다. 그는 나보다 나이가 많으므로, 엄밀히 말하면 나는 그에게 존댓말을 사용하고 있을 것이다. 하지만 나는 그의 언니와 결혼했기 때문에, 제가 그의 지위보다 더 위에 있으므로, 그는 엄밀히 말하면 나와 함께 존댓말을 사용하고 있어야 한다. 그 결과로, 어떤 때는 서로에게 지나치게 예의 바르고 격식을 차린 다음, 어떤 때는 완전히 느슨하고 자연스러운 춤을 출 수 있다.

Much of this is done in an unspoken manner. Korea is known as a high-context society and so people do not always speak directly and say certain things. A lot of the conversation goes unsaid and you are expected to use your nunchi to navigate life and relationships with people. There is a whole dialogue going on beyond words and played out instead with a series of almost imperceptible grunts and hand movements.
이 중 많은 부분이 무언의 방식으로 이루어진다. 한국은 맥락이 풍부한 사회로 알려져 있어서 사람들이 항상 직접적으로 말하고 특정한 것을 말하지 않는다. 많은 대화가 말을 하지 않고 있으며 여러분은 삶과 사람들과의 관계를 탐색하기 위해 눈치를 사용할 것으로 예상된다. 말을 넘어 전체 대화가 진행되고 있으며 거의 알아채지 못하는 투덜거림과 손동작의 연속으로 대신 진행된다.

No white pass
화이트패스 없음
 
It can be quite easy to live in Korea and get a foreigner pass for things. If you don’t speak Korean, you can breeze through life and have quite an easy time of things. Particularly if you are white, there is sometimes this unfair and unspoken expectation that Korean people should adapt to your language and your culture. People from Southeast Asia do not always receive the same treatment unfortunately. They are expected to speak the language and understand Korean culture.
한국에서 생활하고 외국인 출입증을 받는 것은 꽤 쉬울 수 있다. 만약 여러분이 한국어를 하지 못한다면, 여러분은 인생을 헤쳐나갈 수 있고 꽤 쉬운 시간을 보낼 수 있다. 특히 여러분이 백인인 경우, 한국인이 여러분의 언어와 문화에 적응해야 한다는 불공정하고 무언의 기대가 있을 때가 있다. 동남아시아 사람들이 불행하게도 항상 같은 대우를 받는 것은 아니다. 그들은 그 언어를 말하고 한국 문화를 이해할 것으로 기대된다.

And when you do speak Korean, you will notice your relationships with people change. They become more complex. You do not just have friends, but rather a whole series of hyung, unnie, dong-saeng, and so on. Your relationships are inter-dependent. Rather than being a single static self, authentic, and the same in every situation, you wear a mask and play a role. Some of the academic literature shows how notion of an unchanging identity is remarkedly western, steeped in Judeo-Christian thought and played out by religious and literary figures. In more Confucian influenced societies, you adapt to the person you are speaking and interacting with. I am never David but rather a professor, a father, a brother, an uncle, and a student in turn. Each position bringing with it a different way of speaking and being. And it’s masks all the way down.
그리고 한국어를 할 때 사람들과의 관계가 변한다는 것을 알게 된다. 사람들은 점점 복잡해진다. 친구만 있는 것이 아니라 형, 언니, 동생 등 일련의 관계를 맺게 된다. 관계는 상호의존적이다. 모든 상황에서 하나의 정적인 자아, 진정한 자아, 동일한 자아가 되기보다는 가면을 쓰고 역할을 수행한다. 변화 없는 정체성의 개념이 유대-기독교 사상에 젖어 종교계와 문학계 인사들에 의해 부각되는 서구적인 모습을 학술 문헌 중에 보여주는 것도 있다. 유교에 영향을 받은 사회일수록 대화하고 교류하는 사람에 적응한다. 나는 결코 데이비드가 아니라 교수, 아버지, 형제, 삼촌, 학생이 차례로 된다. 각각의 입장은 그것과 함께 말하는 방식과 존재하는 방식을 다르게 한다. 그리고 그것은 마스크이다.

University life
대학생활

At the start of a university semester, when introducing themselves, students will often remark how surprised they are to see so many unnie in their class. They are classmates, brought together for 16 weeks to study, but they feel a relationship difference from their first day. And, then after a year, they see a whole new batch of freshman arrive and they suddenly become a unnie. Their perspective changes. They are no longer the bright-eyed new arrivals looking for guidance and help. Instead, they are the ones who have to provide assistance. They have to write things anonymously on the university apps and show others around the campus.
대학교 학기 초에 자기소개를 할 때, 학생들은 종종 반에 너무 많은 언니들을 보고 얼마나 놀랐는지 말하곤 한다. 그들은 16주 동안 공부하기 위해 함께 모인 반 친구들이지만, 첫날부터 관계의 차이를 느낀다. 그리고 나서 1년 후, 그들은 완전히 새로운 신입생이 도착하는 것을 보고 갑자기 언니가 된다. 그들의 관점은 바뀐다. 그들은 더 이상 안내와 도움을 찾는 밝은 눈의 신입생이 아니다. 대신, 그들은 도움을 제공해야 하는 사람들이다. 그들은 익명으로 대학 앱에 글을 쓰고 캠퍼스 주변을 다른 사람들에게 보여주어야 한다.

Again, it’s not always based on age. Some students have done their suneung exam two, three, even four times before entering university in the hope of getting better grades or studying in Seoul. And so there are those who are older than others yet further back in their academic career. Here, we get the sunbae and hubae titles that are also used frequently.
다시 말하지만, 이것은 항상 나이를 기준으로 하는 것은 아니다. 어떤 학생들은 더 나은 점수를 얻거나 서울에서 공부하기를 바라는 마음으로 대학에 입학하기 전에 수능시험을 두 번, 세 번, 심지어 네 번이나 치렀다. 그래서 다른 학생들보다 나이가 많지만 학업 경력에서는 더 멀리 돌아온 학생들이 있다. 여기에서, 우리는 자주 사용되는 선배와 후배 타이틀을 얻는다.

What I have enjoyed learning about recently is how some girls are moving away from calling older male friends oppa and opting instead for hyung (a term usually reserved for men addressing other men). It’s like the gender neutralization of the terms guys and bros in English.
최근에 제가 재미있게 배운 것은, 어떤 여자들이 나이 많은 남자 친구들을 오빠라고 부르는 것에서 벗어나 형(남자들이 보통 다른 남자들에게 주소를 지어주는 말)을 선택하고 있다는 것입니다. 이것은 영어로 남자와 남자 형제라는 용어의 성중립적인 것과 같다.

Over analysis
과대분석

That last point speaks to a possible danger. We could be over analyzing something very simple. Why, for instance, do people in England call each other “bro” when they are clearly not related to each other? Why has “fam” become a term of endearment given to people who are not blood relatives? Language is fluid, changing, and representative of the socio-cultural conditions. And for many people living here, everything I’ve said above is completely obvious and, to a certain extent, second nature. Particularly if you speak the language and go about your day-to-day life interacting in Korean.
그 마지막 포인트는 가능한 위험을 말해준다. 우리는 매우 단순한 것을 분석하는 것을 끝낼 수도 있다. 예를 들어, 영국 사람들은 분명히 서로 관련이 없는데 왜 서로를 "형제"라고 부르는 것일까? 왜 "팸"은 혈족이 아닌 사람들에게 주어지는 사랑의 용어가 되었을까? 언어는 유동적이고, 변화하고 있으며, 사회 문화적 조건을 대표한다. 그리고 여기 살고 있는 많은 사람들에게, 제가 위에서 말한 모든 것은 완전히 명백하고, 어느 정도는, 제2의 본성이다. 특히 만약 당신이 그 언어를 말하고 당신의 일상 생활이 한국어로 상호 작용하는 것을 다룬다면 말이다.

But for those outside the country, it might be easy to miss this cultural linguistic difference. Take, for example, watching K-dramas. You’ll frequently see English subtitles use people’s names when the actual Korean language being spoken on screen is full of titles and positions. The translations will be full of Jisoos, Dong-hyuns, and Eun-youngs. On screen, however, just like in Korean life, people are addressing each other by titles.
하지만 외국에 있는 사람들에게는 이러한 문화적 언어 차이를 놓치기 쉬울 수 있다. 예를 들어, 한국 드라마 시청을 예로 들 수 있다. 화면에서 말하고 있는 실제 한국어가 제목과 직책으로 가득 차 있을 때 영어 자막이 사람들의 이름을 사용하는 것을 자주 볼 수 있다. 번역본은 지수, 동현, 그리고 은영으로 가득 찰 것이다. 그러나 화면에서 한국 생활에서와 마찬가지로 사람들은 제목으로 서로에게 주소를 쓴다.

So when international students tell me at the end of a semester that they have had trouble making friends in Korea, I sympathize with them. It can be quite difficult here for some people. But then I try to offer another solution. Don’t make friends. Instead, look for an unnie, look for a hyung. Or a dong-seng. When you do this, your life in Korea changes.
그래서 한 학기가 끝날 때마다 유학생들이 한국에서 친구를 사귀는데 어려움을 겪었다고 말하면 공감이 된다. 어떤 사람들에게는 여기서 꽤 어려울 수도 있다. 하지만 저는 다른 해결책을 제시하려고 한다. 친구를 만들지 말고, 언니를 찾고, 형을 찾아라. 아니면 동생. 이렇게 하면 한국에서의 생활이 달라진다.

It can, at first, feel very distant. Cold, almost. When you come from a culture in which you frequently call people by their first name irrespective of age, when your social circle and friend group is composed of people of all ages, it feels alien to distinguish people based solely on age and then adjust your language and behavior accordingly. But there is something different that happens. Having a hyung cements your relationship with that person. You are then bonded in a certain way, each defining the other.
처음에는 아주 멀게 느껴질 수 있다. 춥게, 거의. 나이에 상관없이 사람들의 이름을 자주 부르는 문화에서 왔을 때, 사교계와 친구 집단이 모든 연령대의 사람들로 구성되어 있을 때, 오직 나이로만 사람들을 구분하고 그에 따라 언어와 행동을 조정하는 것은 이질적으로 느껴진다. 그러나 무언가 다른 일이 일어난다. 유형을 갖는 것은 그 사람과의 관계를 강화한다. 그러면 당신은 서로를 규정하는 특정한 방식으로 유대감을 형성하게 된다.

Some of my deepest and most profound relationships in Korea are with those who I speak formally. To whom, I would never use their name. They are not friends. They are not inherently better or worse than relationships with people in other cultures. Just different. And it’s something that I hope other people can find when they visit or interact with Korean people.
한국에서 나의 가장 깊고 심오한 관계들 중 몇몇은 내가 공식적으로 말하는 사람들과 있다. 누구에게, 나는 결코 그들의 이름을 사용하지 않을 것이다. 그들은 친구가 아니다. 그들은 본질적으로 다른 문화권에 있는 사람들과의 관계보다 낫거나 나쁘지 않다. 단지 다를 뿐이다. 그리고 그것은 다른 사람들이 한국인을 방문하거나 교류할 때 찾을 수 있기를 바란다. 
#Friend친구 #Unnie언니 #Sameage동갑 #Honorifics존댓말 #Hyung형 #Dong-saeng동생 #Senior선배 #Junior후배 #Age나이 #Relationship관계