PART 6 // chapter 4-2

[모나리자]

마르파 페트로브나가 아브도티아 로마노브나에게 나에 대한 신비롭고 흥미로운 험담을 반복해준 것에 얼마나 감사한지 생각해보세요. 그녀에게 어떤 인상을 남겼는지는 짐작할 수 없지만, 어쨌든 나에게는 도움이 되었습니다. 아브도티아 로마노브나가 본능적으로 싫어하는 것과 항상 우울하고 혐오스러운 내 모습에도 불구하고, 그녀는 적어도 나를 불쌍히 여겼습니다. 잃어버린 영혼을 불쌍히 여겼습니다. 그리고 한 소녀의 마음이 한 번 동정심으로 움직이면, 그것은 무엇보다도 위험합니다.

그녀는 그를 '구하고', 그를 제정신으로 돌아오게 하고, 그를 들어올려 더 고상한 목표로 이끌고, 그를 새로운 삶과 유용성으로 되돌리고 싶어할 것입니다. 글쎄요, 우리는 모두 그런 꿈이 얼마나 멀리 갈 수 있는지 알고 있습니다. 나는 새가 자신의 새장 안으로 날아드는 것을 즉시 보았습니다. 그리고 나도 준비했습니다. 로디온 로마노비치, 당신은 찡그린 얼굴을 하고 있는 것 같나요? 그럴 필요 없습니다. 아시다시피, 모든 것이 연기로 끝났습니다. (이봐, 내가 얼마나 많이 마셨는지!) 알아? 나는 처음부터 항상 네 누이가 서기 2세기나 3세기에 소아시아의 군주나 주지사, 혹은 총독의 딸로 태어나는 것이 운명이 아니라는 것을 후회했어.

그녀는 의심할 여지 없이 순교를 견뎌내고 뜨거운 집게로 가슴에 낙인을 찍혔을 때 미소를 지었을 거야. 그리고 그녀는 스스로 그렇게 했을 거야. 그리고 4세기나 5세기에 그녀는 이집트 사막으로 걸어가서 뿌리와 황홀경과 환상으로 30년을 살았을 거야. 그녀는 그저 누군가를 위해 고문을 당하고 싶어서 목말랐을 뿐이고, 고문을 받을 수 없다면 창밖으로 몸을 던질 거야.

나는 라주미힌 씨에 대해 들어본 적이 있어. 그는 현명한 사람이라고 해. 그의 성에서 그걸 확실히 알 수 있어. 그는 아마 신학도일 거야. 글쎄, 그는 당신 여동생을 돌보는 게 낫겠어! 나는 그녀를 이해한다고 믿고, 그것이 자랑스럽다. 하지만 알다시피, 처음 사귀는 사이에는 더 부주의하고 멍청해질 가능성이 높다. 사람들은 명확하게 보지 못한다. 모든 것을 생각해 봐, 왜 그녀가 그렇게 잘생겼을까? 내 잘못이 아니야. 사실, 그것은 가장 저항할 수 없는 육체적 욕망으로 내 편에서 시작되었다. 아브도티아 로마노브나는 엄청나게 순결하고, 믿을 수 없을 정도로 놀라울 정도로 순결하다.

주의해, 나는 사실로서 당신 여동생에 대해 이렇게 말한다. 그녀는 폭넓은 지성에도 불구하고 거의 병적으로 순결하며, 그것이 그녀의 길을 가로막을 것이다. 그때 우연히 집에 파라샤라는 검은 눈의 처녀가 있었는데, 그녀는

나는 전에 한 번도 본 적이 없었다. 그녀는 다른 마을에서 방금 온 여자였다. 매우 예쁘지만 믿을 수 없을 정도로 멍청했다. 그녀는 눈물을 터뜨리고, 통곡하여 어디서나 들릴 수 있었고 스캔들을 일으켰다. 어느 날 저녁 식사 후 아브도티아 로마노브나가 정원의 길로 나를 따라와 번쩍이는 눈으로 불쌍한 파라샤를 내버려 두라고 고집했습니다. 우리 둘만의 대화는 거의 처음이었습니다. 물론 저는 그녀의 바람에 따르기로 마음먹었고, 당황하고 당황한 척하려고 노력했고, 사실 제 역할을 나쁘지 않게 해냈습니다. 그런 다음 인터뷰, 신비로운 대화, 권고, 간청, 간청, 심지어 눈물까지 흘렸습니다. 믿으실까요? 눈물까지 흘렸습니다.

선전에 대한 열정이 어떤 소녀들을 불러올지 생각해보세요! 물론 저는 모든 것을 제 운명에 맡기고, 빛에 목마르고 갈증이 난 것처럼 가장했고, 결국 여성의 마음을 복종시키는 가장 강력한 무기에 의지했습니다. 이 무기는 결코 실패하지 않았습니다. 잘 알려진 자원인 아첨입니다. 세상에 진실을 말하는 것보다 어려운 것은 없고 아첨보다 쉬운 것도 없습니다. 진실을 말하는 데 거짓이 백분의 일이라도 있다면 불화로 이어지고, 그것은 문제로 이어집니다.

하지만 모든 것이 마지막까지 거짓된 아첨이라면, 그것은 똑같이 기분 좋고, 만족 없이 들리지 않습니다. 거친 만족일 수 있지만, 그래도 만족입니다. 그리고 아첨이 아무리 거칠더라도 적어도 절반은 진실로 보일 것입니다. 그것은 모든 발전 단계와 사회 계층에 해당합니다. 베스탈 처녀는 아첨에 유혹될 수 있습니다. 저는 남편, 자녀, 그리고 원칙에 헌신하는 여성을 유혹한 적이 있는지 웃음 없이는 기억할 수 없습니다. 얼마나 재밌었고 얼마나 번거롭지 않았습니까! 그리고 그 여성은 정말로 원칙이 있었습니다. 어쨌든 그녀만의 원칙이었습니다.

내 모든 전략은 단순히 완전히 몰살당하고 그녀의 순수함 앞에 엎드리는 데 있었습니다. 나는 그녀에게 뻔뻔스럽게 아첨했고,

그녀의 손길, 심지어 한 번 쳐다보는 것만으로도 나는 힘으로 그것을 빼앗은 것을 스스로 책망했고, 그녀가 저항했기 때문에 내가 그렇게 원칙이 없었기 때문에 아무것도 얻을 수 없었을 것이라고 선언했습니다. 나는 그녀가 너무 순진해서 내 배신을 예견할 수 없었고 무의식적으로, 모른 채 나에게 굴복했다고 주장했습니다.

사실, 나는 승리했고, 내 여인은 자신이 순진하고, 순결하며, 모든 의무와 책임에 충실했고 우연히 굴복했다고 굳게 확신했습니다. 그리고 마침내 내가 그녀에게 그녀도 나만큼 간절히 원한다는 것을 진심으로 확신한다고 설명했을 때 그녀는 얼마나 화가 났을까요. 불쌍한 마르파 페트로브나는 아첨하는 데 몹시 약했고, 내가 신경만 썼다면 그녀의 모든 재산을 그녀가 살아 있는 동안 나에게 맡겼을 수도 있었을 겁니다. (지금은 엄청나게 많은 와인을 마시고 너무 많이 말하고 있습니다.)

지금 아브도티아 로마노브나에게도 같은 영향을 미치기 시작했다고 말하면 화내지 않기를 바랍니다. 하지만 나는 어리석고 참을성이 없어서 모든 것을 망쳤습니다. 아브도티아 로마노브나는 여러 번, 특히 한 번은 내 눈의 표정에 크게 불쾌해했습니다. 믿으시겠어요? 때로는 그녀를 두렵게 하는 빛이 있었고 점점 더 강해지고 방심하다가 결국 그녀에게는 증오스러웠습니다. 자세히 설명할 필요는 없지만 우리는 헤어졌습니다.

거기서 나는 다시 어리석은 짓을 했습니다. 나는 그런 선전과 나를 개종시키려는 노력에 가장 거친 방식으로 조롱했습니다. 파라샤가 다시 등장했는데, 그녀 혼자가 아니었습니다. 사실 엄청난 일이 있었습니다. 아, 로디온 로마노비치, 당신 자매의 눈이 때때로 번쩍이는 것을 볼 수만 있다면! 지금 이 순간 내가 취해 있고 와인 한 잔을 다 마셨다는 사실은 잊어버리세요. 저는 진실을 말하고 있습니다.

이 시선이

제 꿈을 괴롭혔다는 것을 확신합니다. 그녀의 드레스가 바스락거리는 것조차 마침내 제가 견딜 수 있는 것 이상이었습니다. 저는 정말로 간질병에 걸릴지도 모른다고 생각하기 시작했습니다. 저는 제가 그렇게 흥분할 수 있다고는 결코 믿을 수 없었습니다. 실제로 화해하는 것이 필수적이었지만 그때는 불가능했습니다. 그리고 제가 그때 무엇을 했는지 상상해보세요! 사람은 흥분으로 인해 얼마나 어리석은 짓을 저지를 수 있는지! 흥분한 상태에서는 어떤 일도 하지 마세요, 로디온 로마노비치.

나는 아브도티아 로마노브나가 결국 거지라는 것을 깨달았습니다(아, 실례합니다. 그게 적절한 단어가 아닙니다... 하지만 의미를 표현하는 데 중요한가요?), 그녀는 자신의 일에 힘쓰고, 어머니와 당신을 부양해야 한다는 것을 깨달았습니다(아, 그만해, 또 찡그린 얼굴이네요). 그리고 나는 그녀에게 내 모든 돈을 주기로 결심했습니다. 당시에 실현할 수 있었던 3만 루블을 그녀가 나와 함께 여기, 페테르부르크로 도망가면 주었습니다.

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Judge how grateful I must be to Marfa Petrovna for having repeated to Avdotya Romanovna such mysterious and interesting gossip about me. I dare not guess what impression it made on her, but in any case it worked in my interests. With all Avdotya Romanovna’s natural aversion and in spite of my invariably gloomy and repellent aspect—she did at least feel pity for me, pity for a lost soul. And if once a girl’s heart is moved to pity, it’s more dangerous than anything.

She is bound to want to ‘save him,’ to bring him to his senses, and lift him up and draw him to nobler aims, and restore him to new life and usefulness—well, we all know how far such dreams can go. I saw at once that the bird was flying into the cage of herself. And I too made ready. I think you are frowning, Rodion Romanovitch? There’s no need. As you know, it all ended in smoke. (Hang it all, what a lot I am drinking!) Do you know, I always, from the very beginning, regretted that it wasn’t your sister’s fate to be born in the second or third century A.D., as the daughter of a reigning prince or some governor or pro-consul in Asia Minor.

She would undoubtedly have been one of those who would endure martyrdom and would have smiled when they branded her bosom with hot pincers. And she would have gone to it of herself. And in the fourth or fifth century she would have walked away into the Egyptian desert and would have stayed there thirty years living on roots and ecstasies and visions. She is simply thirsting to face some torture for someone, and if she can’t get her torture, she’ll throw herself out of a window.

I’ve heard something of a Mr. Razumihin—he’s said to be a sensible fellow; his surname suggests it, indeed. He’s probably a divinity student. Well, he’d better look after your sister! I believe I understand her, and I am proud of it. But at the beginning of an acquaintance, as you know, one is apt to be more heedless and stupid. One doesn’t see clearly. Hang it all, why is she so handsome? It’s not my fault. In fact, it began on my side with a most irresistible physical desire. Avdotya Romanovna is awfully chaste, incredibly and phenomenally so.

Take note, I tell you this about your sister as a fact. She is almost morbidly chaste, in spite of her broad intelligence, and it will stand in her way. There happened to be a girl in the house then, Parasha, a black-eyed wench, whom

I had never seen before—she had just come from another village—very pretty, but incredibly stupid: she burst into tears, wailed so that she could be heard all over the place and caused scandal. One day after dinner Avdotya Romanovna followed me into an avenue in the garden and with flashing eyes insisted on my leaving poor Parasha alone. It was almost our first conversation by ourselves. I, of course, was only too pleased to obey her wishes, tried to appear disconcerted, embarrassed, in fact played my part not badly. Then came interviews, mysterious conversations, exhortations, entreaties, supplications, even tears—would you believe it, even tears?

Think what the passion for propaganda will bring some girls to! I, of course, threw it all on my destiny, posed as hungering and thirsting for light, and finally resorted to the most powerful weapon in the subjection of the female heart, a weapon which never fails one. It’s the well-known resource—flattery. Nothing in the world is harder than speaking the truth and nothing easier than flattery. If there’s the hundredth part of a false note in speaking the truth, it leads to a discord, and that leads to trouble.

But if all, to the last note, is false in flattery, it is just as agreeable, and is heard not without satisfaction. It may be a coarse satisfaction, but still a satisfaction. And however coarse the flattery, at least half will be sure to seem true. That’s so for all stages of development and classes of society. A vestal virgin might be seduced by flattery. I can never remember without laughter how I once seduced a lady who was devoted to her husband, her children, and her principles. What fun it was and how little trouble! And the lady really had principles—of her own, anyway.

All my tactics lay in simply being utterly annihilated and prostrate before her purity. I flattered her shamelessly, and

as soon as I succeeded in getting a pressure of the hand, even a glance from her, I would reproach myself for having snatched it by force, and would declare that she had resisted, so that I could never have gained anything but for my being so unprincipled. I maintained that she was so innocent that she could not foresee my treachery, and yielded to me unconsciously, unawares, and so on.

In fact, I triumphed, while my lady remained firmly convinced that she was innocent, chaste, and faithful to all her duties and obligations and had succumbed quite by accident. And how angry she was with me when I explained to her at last that it was my sincere conviction that she was just as eager as I. Poor Marfa Petrovna was awfully weak on the side of flattery, and if I had only cared to, I might have had all her property settled on me during her lifetime. (I am drinking an awful lot of wine now and talking too much.)

I hope you won’t be angry if I mention now that I was beginning to produce the same effect on Avdotya Romanovna. But I was stupid and impatient and spoiled it all. Avdotya Romanovna had several times—and one time in particular—been greatly displeased by the expression‎ of my eyes, would you believe it? There was sometimes a light in them which frightened her and grew stronger and stronger and more unguarded till it was hateful to her. No need to go into detail, but we parted.

There I acted stupidly again. I fell to jeering in the coarsest way at all such propaganda and efforts to convert me; Parasha came on to the scene again, and not she alone; in fact there was a tremendous to-do. Ah, Rodion Romanovitch, if you could only see how your sister’s eyes can flash sometimes! Never mind my being drunk at this moment and having had a whole glass of wine. I am speaking the truth.

I assure you that this glance

has haunted my dreams; the very rustle of her dress was more than I could stand at last. I really began to think that I might become epileptic. I could never have believed that I could be moved to such a frenzy. It was essential, indeed, to be reconciled, but by then it was impossible. And imagine what I did then! To what a pitch of stupidity a man can be brought by frenzy! Never undertake anything in a frenzy, Rodion Romanovitch.

I reflected that Avdotya Romanovna was after all a beggar (ach, excuse me, that’s not the word... but does it matter if it expresses the meaning?), that she lived by her work, that she had her mother and you to keep (ach, hang it, you are frowning again), and I resolved to offer her all my money—thirty thousand roubles I could have realised then—if she would run away with me here, to Petersburg.

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