PART 6 // chapter 4-3

[모나리자]

물론 영원한 사랑, 황홀함 등을 맹세했어야 했어. 그때 나는 그녀에 대해 너무나 열광적이어서 그녀가 마르파 페트로브나를 독살하거나 목을 베어서 자기와 결혼하라고 했다면 즉시 그렇게 했을 거야! 하지만 그것은 당신이 이미 알고 있는 재앙으로 끝났어. 마르파 페트로브나가 그 악랄한 변호사 루진을 붙잡아 거의 두 사람을 결혼시키려 했다는 소식을 들었을 때 내가 얼마나 미칠 지 상상할 수 있을 거야. 사실 내가 제안한 것과 똑같은 일이었을 거야.

그렇지 않니? 그렇지 않니? 네가 매우 주의 깊게 돌기 시작한 걸 알아챘어... 흥미로운 젊은이....” 스비드리가일로프는 주먹으로 테이블을 참을성 없이 쳤다. 그는 얼굴이 붉어졌다. 라스콜니코프는 자신이 거의 무의식적으로 마신 샴페인 한 잔이나 반 잔이 자신에게 영향을 미치고 있다는 것을 분명히 알았고 그 기회를 이용하기로 결심했다. 그는 스비드리가일로프를 매우 의심했다. "글쎄, 당신이 한 말을 보면, 당신이 내 여동생을 노리고 페테르부르크에 왔다는 걸 확신하게 됐어요." 그는 스비드리가일로프에게 직접 말하며 그를 더욱 짜증나게 했다.

"아, 말도 안 돼." 스비드리가일로프가 몸을 일으키는 듯 말했다. "왜, 내가 말했잖아... 게다가 당신 여동생은 날 참을 수 없어." "그래, 참을 수 없을 거라고 확신해. 하지만 그게 중요한 게 아니야." "그녀가 참을 수 없을 거라고 확신해?" 스비드리가일로프가 눈을 찡그리고 조롱조로 웃었다. "맞아, 그녀는 날 사랑하지 않아. 하지만 남편과 아내, 연인과 여주인 사이에 무슨 일이 있었는지는 절대 확신할 수 없어.

세상에는 항상 비밀로 남아 있고 그 두 사람만 아는 작은 구석이 있어. 아브도티아 로마노브나가 날 혐오하는 데 대해 책임을 질 수 있겠어?" "당신이 흘린 몇 마디를 보면, 당신이 여전히 두니아에 대한 계획을 가지고 있고, 물론 사악한 계획도 가지고 있고, 그것을 즉시 실행에 옮길 생각이라는 것을 알 수 있습니다." "뭐, 내가 그런 말을 흘렸어?" 스비드리가일로프가 순진하게 당황하며 물었고, 그의 계획에 부여된 별명에는 전혀 신경을 쓰지 않았다. "왜, 당신은 지금도 그것을 흘려버리고 있잖아.

왜 그렇게 무서워해? 지금 뭐가 그렇게 무서워?" "나를—무서워? 너를 두려워해? 오히려 나를 두려워해야지, 셰르 아미. 하지만 무슨 헛소리야.... 하지만 너무 많이 마셨어, 알겠어. 또 너무 많이 말할 뻔했어. 와인은 망했어! 안녕! 물!" 그는 샴페인 병을 움켜쥐고 창밖으로 아무런 의식 없이 던졌다. 필립이 물을 가져왔다.

"그게 다 헛소리야!" 스비드리가일로프가 수건을 적셔 머리에 대며 말했다. "하지만 한 마디로 대답할 수 있고 당신의 모든 의심을 없애버릴 수 있어요. 내가 결혼할 거라는 걸 알고 있나요?" "전에도 그렇게 말씀하셨잖아요." "그랬어요? 잊었어요. 하지만 약혼자를 보지도 못했기 때문에 확실히 말씀드릴 수는 없었어요. 그냥 만나고 싶었을 뿐이에요.

하지만 이제 정말 약혼자가 생겼고, 그건 확정된 일이고, 미룰 수 없는 일이 아니라면 당장 당신을 데리고 가서 보여드렸을 거예요. 조언을 구하고 싶거든요. 아, 잠깐만요. 이제 열 분밖에 안 남았어요! 보세요, 시계를 보세요.

하지만 꼭 말씀드려야겠어요. 제 결혼은 그 나름대로 흥미로운 이야기거든요. 어디로 가세요? 또 가세요?" "아니요, 지금은 안 가겠습니다." "전혀요? 알아보겠습니다. 당신을 데려가서 약혼자를 보여드리죠. 다만 지금은 아니에요. 곧 떠나야 하니까요. 당신은 오른쪽으로 가야 하고 나는 왼쪽으로 가야 해. 지금 내가 묵고 있는 레슬리치 부인을 알고 있니? 네가 무슨 생각을 하는지 알아, 그녀가 겨울에 익사했다는 그 여자라는 거야.

어서, 듣고 있니? 그녀가 나를 위해 모든 것을 준비해 줬어. 넌 지루해, 그녀가 말했어. 넌 시간을 채울 무언가를 원해. 알다시피, 나는 우울하고 침울한 사람이야. 내가 가벼운 사람이라고 생각해? 아니, 나는 우울해. 나는 해를 끼치지 않아. 하지만 3일 동안 아무 말도 하지 않고 구석에 앉아 있을 뿐이야. 그리고 그 레슬리치는 교활한 창녀야, 내가 말해. 나는 그녀가 무슨 생각을 하고 있는지 알아. 그녀는 내가 싫증이 나서 아내를 버리고 떠날 거라고 생각하고, 그러면 그녀가 그녀를 붙잡아서 그녀에게서 이익을 얻을 거라고 생각해. 물론 우리 반이나 그보다 더 높은 반에서 말이야.

그녀는 아버지가 은퇴한 공무원으로 다리가 마비된 채로 지난 3년 동안 의자에 앉아 있었다고 말했어. 어머니는 현명한 여성이라고 그녀는 말했어. 지방에서 일하는 아들이 있는데, 그는 도와주지 않고, 결혼한 딸이 있는데, 그녀는 그들을 방문하지 않아. 그리고 그들은 마치 자기 자식만으로는 모자란 듯 두 명의 조카를 데리고 다녔고, 한 달 후면 열여섯 살이 될 막내 딸을 학교에서 데려와서 결혼시키려고 했습니다. 그녀는 제게 딱 맞는 아이였습니다.

우리는 그곳에 갔습니다. 얼마나 재밌는지! 저는 제 자신을 소개합니다. 지주, 홀아비, 유명한 이름, 인맥, 재산을 가진 사람입니다. 제가 50살이고 그녀가 열여섯 살이 아니라면 어떨까요? 누가 그런 생각을 하겠어요? 하지만 흥미롭죠? 흥미롭죠, 하하! 제가 아빠와 엄마에게 어떻게 말했는지 보셨어야 합니다. 그 순간 저를 보는 것만으로도 돈을 낼 만한 가치가 있었습니다. 그녀가 들어와서 인사를 하고, 여전히 짧은 드레스를 입고 있었습니다. 꽃봉오리가 터지지 않은 채로요! 일몰처럼 붉어지고 있었습니다. 그녀는 누군가가 말했을 겁니다.

당신이 여성의 얼굴에 대해 어떻게 생각하는지 모르겠지만, 제 생각에는 이 16년 동안, 이 유치한 눈, 수줍음, 부끄러움의 눈물이 아름다움보다 낫습니다. 그리고 그녀는 완벽한 작은 그림이기도 합니다.

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Of course I should have vowed eternal love, rapture, and so on. Do you know, I was so wild about her at that time that if she had told me to poison Marfa Petrovna or to cut her throat and to marry herself, it would have been done at once! But it ended in the catastrophe of which you know already. You can fancy how frantic I was when I heard that Marfa Petrovna had got hold of that scoundrelly attorney, Luzhin, and had almost made a match between them—which would really have been just the same thing as I was proposing.

Wouldn’t it? Wouldn’t it? I notice that you’ve begun to be very attentive... you interesting young man....” Svidrigaïlov struck the table with his fist impatiently. He was flushed. Raskolnikov saw clearly that the glass or glass and a half of champagne that he had sipped almost unconsciously was affecting him—and he resolved to take advantage of the opportunity. He felt very suspicious of Svidrigaïlov. “Well, after what you have said, I am fully convinced that you have come to Petersburg with designs on my sister,” he said directly to Svidrigaïlov, in order to irritate him further.

“Oh, nonsense,” said Svidrigaïlov, seeming to rouse himself. “Why, I told you... besides your sister can’t endure me.” “Yes, I am certain that she can’t, but that’s not the point.” “Are you so sure that she can’t?” Svidrigaïlov screwed up his eyes and smiled mockingly. “You are right, she doesn’t love me, but you can never be sure of what has passed between husband and wife or lover and mistress.

There’s always a little corner which remains a secret to the world and is only known to those two. Will you answer for it that Avdotya Romanovna regarded me with aversion?” “From some words you’ve dropped, I notice that you still have designs—and of course evil ones—on Dounia and mean to carry them out promptly.” “What, have I dropped words like that?” Svidrigaïlov asked in naïve dismay, taking not the slightest notice of the epithet bestowed on his designs. “Why, you are dropping them even now.

Why are you so frightened? What are you so afraid of now?” “Me—afraid? Afraid of you? You have rather to be afraid of me, cher ami. But what nonsense.... I’ve drunk too much though, I see that. I was almost saying too much again. Damn the wine! Hi! there, water!” He snatched up the champagne bottle and flung it without ceremony out of the window. Philip brought the water.

“That’s all nonsense!” said Svidrigaïlov, wetting a towel and putting it to his head. “But I can answer you in one word and annihilate all your suspicions. Do you know that I am going to get married?” “You told me so before.” “Did I? I’ve forgotten. But I couldn’t have told you so for certain for I had not even seen my betrothed; I only meant to.

But now I really have a betrothed and it’s a settled thing, and if it weren’t that I have business that can’t be put off, I would have taken you to see them at once, for I should like to ask your advice. Ach, hang it, only ten minutes left! See, look at the watch.

But I must tell you, for it’s an interesting story, my marriage, in its own way. Where are you off to? Going again?” “No, I’m not going away now.” “Not at all? We shall see. I’ll take you there, I’ll show you my betrothed, only not now. For you’ll soon have to be off. You have to go to the right and I to the left. Do you know that Madame Resslich, the woman I am lodging with now, eh? I know what you’re thinking, that she’s the woman whose girl they say drowned herself in the winter.

Come, are you listening? She arranged it all for me. You’re bored, she said, you want something to fill up your time. For, you know, I am a gloomy, depressed person. Do you think I’m light-hearted? No, I’m gloomy. I do no harm, but sit in a corner without speaking a word for three days at a time. And that Resslich is a sly hussy, I tell you. I know what she has got in her mind; she thinks I shall get sick of it, abandon my wife and depart, and she’ll get hold of her and make a profit out of her—in our class, of course, or higher.

She told me the father was a broken-down retired official, who has been sitting in a chair for the last three years with his legs paralysed. The mamma, she said, was a sensible woman. There is a son serving in the provinces, but he doesn’t help; there is a daughter, who is married, but she doesn’t visit them. And they’ve two little nephews on their hands, as though their own children were not enough, and they’ve taken from school their youngest daughter, a girl who’ll be sixteen in another month, so that then she can be married. She was for me.

We went there. How funny it was! I present myself—a landowner, a widower, of a well-known name, with connections, with a fortune. What if I am fifty and she is not sixteen? Who thinks of that? But it’s fascinating, isn’t it? It is fascinating, ha-ha! You should have seen how I talked to the papa and mamma. It was worth paying to have seen me at that moment. She comes in, curtseys, you can fancy, still in a short frock—an unopened bud! Flushing like a sunset—she had been told, no doubt.

I don’t know how you feel about female faces, but to my mind these sixteen years, these childish eyes, shyness and tears of bashfulness are better than beauty; and she is a perfect little picture, too.

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