PART 6 // chapter 4-4

[모나리자]

양처럼 곱슬곱슬한 금발, 붉게 물든 입술, 작은 발, 매력적인 그녀!... 글쎄요, 우리는 친구가 되었어요. 집안 사정 때문에 서두른다고 말했더니, 그 다음날, 그저께 우리는 약혼했어요. 지금 제가 갈 때면 그녀를 무릎에 앉히고 그대로 있게 해요... 글쎄요, 그녀는 일몰처럼 얼굴이 붉어지고 저는 매 순간 그녀에게 키스해요. 물론 그녀의 엄마는 그녀에게 이게 그녀의 남편이고 그래야 한다고 강조해요. 정말 맛있어요! 현재의 약혼 상태는 결혼보다 더 나을지도 몰라요.

여기서 자연과 진실이라는 것이 나오죠, 하하하! 저는 그녀와 두 번이나 이야기를 나누었는데, 그녀는 바보와는 거리가 멀어요. 가끔 그녀가 저를 쳐다보면서 저를 정말 뜨겁게 달구기도 해요.

그녀의 얼굴은 라파엘의 마돈나 같아요. 아시죠, 시스티나 성모 마리아의 얼굴에는 뭔가 환상적인 것이 있습니다. 애통한 종교적 황홀경의 얼굴이죠. 눈치채지 못하셨나요?

글쎄요, 그녀는 그런 계열의 무언가입니다. 우리가 약혼한 다음 날, 저는 그녀에게 1,500루블 상당의 선물을 샀습니다. 다이아몬드 한 세트와 진주 한 세트, 그리고 이것만큼 큰 은제 드레싱 케이스에 온갖 물건이 들어 있어서 제 성모 마리아의 얼굴조차 빛났습니다.

어제 그녀를 무릎에 앉혔는데, 제 생각에는 너무 무례하게 앉혔던 것 같습니다. 그녀는 얼굴이 붉어지고 눈물이 나기 시작했지만, 그것을 보이고 싶어하지 않았습니다. 우리는 홀로 남겨졌고, 그녀는 갑자기 내 목에 몸을 던졌고(그녀의 의지로 처음으로), 그녀의 작은 팔로 나를 감싸고, 키스를 하고, 그녀는 순종적이고, 충실하고, 좋은 아내가 될 것이며, 나를 행복하게 해줄 것이며, 그녀의 모든 삶, 그녀의 삶의 모든 순간을 바칠 것이며, 모든 것을, 모든 것을 희생할 것이며, 그녀가 요구하는 것은 나의 존경뿐이며, 그녀는 나에게서 '아무것도, 더 이상 아무것도, 선물도 원하지 않는다'고 맹세했습니다.

당신은 16세의 천사가 모슬린 드레스를 입고, 작은 컬을 하고, 뺨에는 처녀 같은 수줍음이 붉어지고, 눈에는 열정의 눈물을 머금은 그런 고백을 혼자 듣는다는 것이 매우 매혹적이라는 것을 인정할 것입니다! 매혹적이지 않나요? 돈을 낼 만한 가치가 있지 않나요? 글쎄요... 들어보세요, 우리는 내 약혼자를 보러 갈게요, 지금 당장은 아니더라도요!" "사실 나이와 발달의 이 엄청난 차이가 당신의 관능을 자극한다는 거예요! 정말 그런 결혼을 할 건가요?" "물론이죠. 모든 사람은 자신에 대해 생각하고, 자신을 속이는 방법을 가장 잘 아는 사람이 가장 즐겁게 산다.

하하! 하지만 왜 그렇게 미덕에 열광하는 거야? 자비를 베풀어 줘, 나의 좋은 친구야. 나는 죄 많은 사람이야. 하하하!"

"하지만 당신은 카테리나 이바노브나의 아이들을 부양했어. 하지만... 당신만의 이유가 있었지만.... 이제 다 이해했어." "나는 항상 아이들을 좋아해, 정말 좋아해." 스비드리가일로프가 웃으며 말했다. "그것에 대한 흥미로운 사례 하나를 말해 줄 수 있어. 내가 처음 이곳에 온 날 나는 여러 가지 소굴을 방문했고, 7년 후에는 그냥 서둘러 그곳으로 갔어. 아마 내가 옛 친구들과 다시 사귀려고 서두르지 않는다는 걸 알아차렸을 거야.

나는 할 수 있는 한 그들 없이 지내겠습니다. 내가 마르파 페트로브나와 함께 시골에 있었을 때, 나는 길을 아는 사람이라면 누구나 좋은 것을 찾을 수 있는 이런 장소에 대한 생각에 사로잡혔습니다. 그렇습니다, 내 영혼에! 농민들은 보드카를 마시고, 교육받은 젊은이들은 활동에서 배제되고, 불가능한 꿈과 환상에 자신을 낭비하고 이론에 의해 불구가 됩니다. 유대인들은 생겨나 돈을 모으고, 나머지는 모두 방탕에 빠집니다.

처음부터 마을은 익숙한 냄새로 가득 찼습니다. 나는 우연히 무서운 굴에 있었습니다. 나는 내 굴이 더러운 것을 좋아합니다. 그것은 소위 춤이었고, 내가 어렸을 때 본 적이 없는 캉캉이 있었습니다. 그렇습니다, 그것이 진전입니다. 갑자기 나는 13살의 어린 소녀가 멋지게 차려입고 그 줄의 전문가와 춤을 추고 있는 것을 보았습니다. 그녀의 어머니는 벽 옆의 의자에 앉아 있었습니다. 그게 얼마나 캉캉인지 상상도 못하겠죠!

그 소녀는 부끄러워했고, 얼굴이 붉어졌고, 마침내 모욕을 당했다고 느꼈고, 울기 시작했습니다. 그녀의 파트너가 그녀를 붙잡고 그녀를 돌려서 그녀 앞에서 공연을 하기 시작했습니다. 모두가 웃었고, 저는 당신의 대중, 심지어 캉캉 대중도 좋아합니다. 그들은 웃으며 소리쳤습니다. '그녀에게 옳은 일을 해야지, 그녀에게 옳은 일을 해야지! 아이를 데려오면 안 돼!' 글쎄요, 그 위로의 반성이 논리적인지 아닌지는 제 일이 아닙니다.

저는 즉시 계획을 세우고 어머니 옆에 앉아서 저도 낯선 사람이고, 여기 사람들은 예의가 없고, 괜찮은 사람을 구별할 줄 모르고

존경심을 가지고 대할 줄 모른다고 말하며, 제가 돈이 많다는 것을 그녀에게 알리고, 제 마차에 태워 집으로 데려가겠다고 제안했습니다. 저는 그들을 집으로 데려가서 알게 되었습니다. 그들은 비참한 작은 굴에 묵고 있었고, 방금 시골에서 온 것이었습니다.

그녀는 그녀와 그녀의 딸이 저를 아는 것을 영광으로 여길 뿐이라고 말했습니다. 나는 그들이 자기 소유의 것이 하나도 없고 어떤 합법적인 일로 마을에 왔다는 것을 알게 되었다. 나는 내 서비스와 돈을 제안했다. 나는 그들이 진짜 댄스 수업이라고 믿고 실수로 댄스 살롱에 갔다는 것을 알게 되었다. 나는 그 어린 소녀의 프랑스어와 댄스 교육을 돕겠다고 제안했다.

내 제안은 영광으로 열렬히 수락되었고 우리는 여전히 친절하다... 원한다면, 우리는 그들을 보러 갈 것이다. 다만 지금 당장은 아니다." "그만해! 너의 추악하고 추한 일화는 그만하고, 타락하고 추악하고 관능적인 남자!" "쉴러, 너는 평범한 쉴러야! 오, 라 베르투 바-트-엘 세 니셰르? 하지만 내가 네게 이런 것들을 의도적으로 말할 거라는 걸 알잖아, 네 비명을 듣는 즐거움을 위해서!" "감히 말해. 나도 우스꽝스럽다는 걸 알겠어." 라스콜니코프가 화가 나서 중얼거렸다. 스비드리가일로프는 마음껏 웃었다. 마침내 그는 필립에게 전화를 걸어 계산서를 지불하고 일어나기 시작했다.

"말씀드리지만, 저는 취해 있습니다, assez causé." 그는 말했다. "즐거웠어요." "즐거웠을 거라고 생각해야겠어요!" 라스콜니코프가 일어나며 소리쳤다. "의심할 여지 없이 지친 방탕자가 같은 종류의 괴물 같은 프로젝트를 마음속에 품고 그런 모험을 묘사하는 건 즐거움이죠. 특히 이런 상황에서 저 같은 사람에게는... 자극적이에요!" "음, 그렇게 된다면," 스비드리가일로프가 대답하며 라스콜니코프를 약간 놀라면서 면밀히 살폈다. "그렇게 된다면, 당신도 철저한 냉소주의자인 거예요. 어쨌든 그렇게 만들 만한 게 많이 있잖아요.

당신은 많은 것을 이해할 수 있고... 많은 것을 할 수도 있어요. 하지만 그만해요. 당신과 더 많은 이야기를 나누지 못한 게 정말 유감이지만, 당신을 놓치지 않을 거예요... 조금만 기다리세요." 스비드리가일로프가 식당에서 나갔다. 라스콜니코프도 그 뒤를 따라 나갔다. 스비드리가일로프는 그다지 취하지 않았지만, 와인이 잠깐 영향을 미쳤지만, 매 순간 술이 흘렀습니다.

그는 중요한 무언가에 몰두해 있었고 눈살을 찌푸리고 있었습니다. 그는 분명히 흥분했고 무언가를 기대하며 불안해했습니다. 라스콜니코프에 대한 그의 태도는 지난 몇 분 동안 바뀌었고, 그는 매 순간 더 무례하고 비웃었습니다. 라스콜니코프는 이 모든 것을 알아차렸고, 그 역시 불안했습니다.

그는 스비드리가일로프를 매우 의심하게 되었고 그를 따라가기로 결심했습니다. 그들은 보도로 나왔습니다. "당신은 오른쪽으로 가고, 나는 왼쪽으로 가거나, 원한다면 반대 방향으로 가세요. 안녕히 계세요, mon plaisir, 다시 만나기를 바랍니다." 그리고 그는 오른쪽으로 걸어가 헤이 마켓으로 향했습니다.

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8774

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Fair hair in little curls, like a lamb’s, full little rosy lips, tiny feet, a charmer!... Well, we made friends. I told them I was in a hurry owing to domestic circumstances, and the next day, that is the day before yesterday, we were betrothed. When I go now I take her on my knee at once and keep her there.... Well, she flushes like a sunset and I kiss her every minute. Her mamma of course impresses on her that this is her husband and that this must be so. It’s simply delicious! The present betrothed condition is perhaps better than marriage.

Here you have what is called la nature et la vérité, ha-ha! I’ve talked to her twice, she is far from a fool. Sometimes she steals a look at me that positively scorches me.

Her face is like Raphael’s Madonna. You know, the Sistine Madonna’s face has something fantastic in it, the face of mournful religious ecstasy. Haven’t you noticed it?

Well, she’s something in that line. The day after we’d been betrothed, I bought her presents to the value of fifteen hundred roubles—a set of diamonds and another of pearls and a silver dressing-case as large as this, with all sorts of things in it, so that even my Madonna’s face glowed.

I sat her on my knee, yesterday, and I suppose rather too unceremoniously—she flushed crimson and the tears started, but she didn’t want to show it. We were left alone, she suddenly flung herself on my neck (for the first time of her own accord), put her little arms round me, kissed me, and vowed that she would be an obedient, faithful, and good wife, would make me happy, would devote all her life, every minute of her life, would sacrifice everything, everything, and that all she asks in return is my respect, and that she wants ‘nothing, nothing more from me, no presents.’

You’ll admit that to hear such a confession, alone, from an angel of sixteen in a muslin frock, with little curls, with a flush of maiden shyness in her cheeks and tears of enthusiasm in her eyes is rather fascinating! Isn’t it fascinating? It’s worth paying for, isn’t it? Well... listen, we’ll go to see my betrothed, only not just now!” “The fact is this monstrous difference in age and development excites your sensuality! Will you really make such a marriage?” “Why, of course. Everyone thinks of himself, and he lives most gaily who knows best how to deceive himself.

Ha-ha! But why are you so keen about virtue? Have mercy on me, my good friend. I am a sinful man. Ha-ha-ha!”

“But you have provided for the children of Katerina Ivanovna. Though... though you had your own reasons.... I understand it all now.” “I am always fond of children, very fond of them,” laughed Svidrigaïlov. “I can tell you one curious instance of it. The first day I came here I visited various haunts, after seven years I simply rushed at them. You probably notice that I am not in a hurry to renew acquaintance with my old friends.

I shall do without them as long as I can. Do you know, when I was with Marfa Petrovna in the country, I was haunted by the thought of these places where anyone who knows his way about can find a great deal. Yes, upon my soul! The peasants have vodka, the educated young people, shut out from activity, waste themselves in impossible dreams and visions and are crippled by theories; Jews have sprung up and are amassing money, and all the rest give themselves up to debauchery.

From the first hour the town reeked of its familiar odours. I chanced to be in a frightful den—I like my dens dirty—it was a dance, so called, and there was a cancan such as I never saw in my day. Yes, there you have progress. All of a sudden I saw a little girl of thirteen, nicely dressed, dancing with a specialist in that line, with another one vis-à-vis. Her mother was sitting on a chair by the wall. You can’t fancy what a cancan that was!

The girl was ashamed, blushed, at last felt insulted, and began to cry. Her partner seized her and began whirling her round and performing before her; everyone laughed and—I like your public, even the cancan public—they laughed and shouted, ‘Serves her right—serves her right! Shouldn’t bring children!’ Well, it’s not my business whether that consoling reflection was logical or not.

I at once fixed on my plan, sat down by the mother, and began by saying that I too was a stranger and that people here were ill-bred and that they couldn’t distinguish decent folks

and treat them with respect, gave her to understand that I had plenty of money, offered to take them home in my carriage. I took them home and got to know them. They were lodging in a miserable little hole and had only just arrived from the country.

She told me that she and her daughter could only regard my acquaintance as an honour. I found out that they had nothing of their own and had come to town upon some legal business. I proffered my services and money. I learnt that they had gone to the dancing saloon by mistake, believing that it was a genuine dancing class. I offered to assist in the young girl’s education in French and dancing.

My offer was accepted with enthusiasm as an honour—and we are still friendly.... If you like, we’ll go and see them, only not just now.” “Stop! Enough of your vile, nasty anecdotes, depraved vile, sensual man!” “Schiller, you are a regular Schiller! O la vertu va-t-elle se nicher? But you know I shall tell you these things on purpose, for the pleasure of hearing your outcries!” “I dare say. I can see I am ridiculous myself,” muttered Raskolnikov angrily. Svidrigaïlov laughed heartily; finally he called Philip, paid his bill, and began getting up.

“I say, but I am drunk, assez causé,” he said. “It’s been a pleasure.” “I should rather think it must be a pleasure!” cried Raskolnikov, getting up. “No doubt it is a pleasure for a worn-out profligate to describe such adventures with a monstrous project of the same sort in his mind—especially under such circumstances and to such a man as me.... It’s stimulating!” “Well, if you come to that,” Svidrigaïlov answered, scrutinising Raskolnikov with some surprise, “if you come to that, you are a thorough cynic yourself. You’ve plenty to make you so, anyway.

You can understand a great deal... and you can do a great deal too. But enough. I sincerely regret not having had more talk with you, but I shan’t lose sight of you.... Only wait a bit.” Svidrigaïlov walked out of the restaurant. Raskolnikov walked out after him. Svidrigaïlov was not however very drunk, the wine had affected him for a moment, but it was passing off every minute.

He was preoccupied with something of importance and was frowning. He was apparently excited and uneasy in anticipation of something. His manner to Raskolnikov had changed during the last few minutes, and he was ruder and more sneering every moment. Raskolnikov noticed all this, and he too was uneasy.

He became very suspicious of Svidrigaïlov and resolved to follow him. They came out on to the pavement. “You go to the right, and I to the left, or if you like, the other way. Only adieu, mon plaisir, may we meet again.” And he walked to the right towards the Hay Market.

8774