How to disagree without making someone defensive

[soso]

How to disagree without making someone defensive

https://www.fastcompany.com/90810773/how-to-disagree-without-making-someone-defensive?utm_medium=email&utm_source=pocket_hits&utm_campaign=POCKET_HITS-EN-DAILY-RECS-2022_11_29&sponsored=0&position=9&scheduled_corpus_item_id=1acf572c-4596-4147-badc-efffad68968c?utm_medium=email&utm_source=pocket_hits&utm_campaign=POCKET_HITS-EN-DAILY-RECS-2022_11_29&sponsored=0

There are ways to have a productive conversation with someone () you disagree with.

How to disagree without making someone defensive

[Asking someone why they are getting so defensive during a disagreement] rarely helps the situation.

In fact, it often makes things worse.

It’s natural to want to defend yourself if you feel () your beliefs are being threatened.

However, it’s possible to have a conversation //in which you don’t agree

and not cause the other person to become defensive, according to Shelby Scarbrough,

former international and U.S. Department of State Protocol Officer

and author of Civility Rules! Creating a Purposeful Practice of Civility.

“[Something () we can’t control] is somebody else’s reaction or behavior,” she says.

“Therefore, [what we bring to the table] is the most important thing.

If everybody came to the table with that concept /wanting to be civil and have a civil conversation,

the world would be a lovely place.”

* /wanting to be civil and (to) have a civil conversation, 

While Scarbrough admits () not everybody enters a conversation /wanting to be civil,

there are things () we can proactively do /to help avoid a defensive reaction.

Watch your language

First, avoid using accusatory terminology, such as “you should,” or shaming or blaming the other person.

“It’s a surefire way for them to come back with a response that’s defensive or angry if they are sensitive at all about their position on something,” says Scarbrough.

“[Somebody who’s extremely comfortable and confident in their own position] often is not defensive

because they don’t need to be.

They can have a conversation about any topic and not worry about it’s not a personal slight.”

Focus on your experience

Next, avoid telling someone what to do and giving advice.

“If we want to engage with somebody in a deeper, meaningful level, it’s not about us getting out our views,” she says.

“That’s where we kind of go wrong in society these days.

We’re so hell bent on getting our own opinion out there and putting it out there as truth or fact

rather than realizing that it is a perspective and that there are other perspectives.”

*  hell bent on ; to be extremely determined to do something, without considering the risks or possible dangerous results:

Instead, share your experience.

There is a distinction between your opinion and your experience, says Scarbrough.

“Your opinion is your beliefs,” she says.

“In theory, it’s based on your experience,

but when you simply share your opinion, you don’t show your experience behind it.”

Sharing your experience illustrates [how you’ve come to your view].

Start your sentence with, “This has been my experience.”

Be willing to be vulnerable and open to push back, says Scarbrough.

“The person might say, ‘Yeah, but’ and that’s okay,” she says. “That doesn’t mean () you have to get defensive, too.

You can say, ‘I can see () this is hitting a nerve and that’s not my purpose. That’s not what I’m trying to do.

I would really like to have a conversation about this. And if it’s uncomfortable for you, we don’t have to talk about it.’

That can help calm the situation, so the other person feels safe.”

Check your motive

Ask yourself, do you want [to have a conversation about something]

or do you just want [an opportunity to push your position].

If it’s the latter, it’s usually a good way to cause someone to get defensive,

which creates a dead-end conversation.

If you want to have a conversation, enter it with open-ended curiosity.

Scarbrough suggests /saying, “Tell me more about that. I’d like to understand your views.”

“You don’t have to agree,

but coming to a conversation with a perspective of humility will help [open a conversation

and get the other person to share their views],” she says.

“We can keep the conversation at a level of interest.

It doesn’t have to get angry. It doesn’t have to be nasty.”

You can’t prevent someone from being defensive, but [changing how you enter a conversation] can help, Scarbrough says.

“Who am I to say that you should believe one thing or another? That’s pretty arrogant of me,” she says.

내가 뭔데 당신이 이런저런 걸 믿어야 한다고 말하겠느냐? 그건 내 오만한 짓거리다

세상에서는 사람의 말/의견이라는 것이 상대적이고 주관에 불완전 특성상 절대적 진리가 될 수 없기에
자기나 남의 이런저런 의견을 믿으라고 강권하는 건 당연히 오만한 짓이기에 그냥 사견이야 하고 겸손해야 하나
진리이신 하나님의 말씀을 믿어야 한다고 말하는 건 그 자체로 겸손한 행위인 것이 내 자신이 진리를 믿기에
그 진리 아래 내 자신을 겸손히 복종시키면 진리의 복을 받지만 불순종하면 진리를 거슬리다 파멸하기 때문이다

구약의 어떤 참 선지자도 하나님 말씀을 자기 사견이라며 믿든지 말든지 알아서 하라고 겸손떨며 말한 적 없었지만
간단히 선언하고 말면 오만으로 걷어차일 것이고 대화는 단절될 것이기에 그런 이유로 겸손과 세련미가 요구되는데

이 글의 저자 자신도 말은 내가 뭔데 하면서도 자기의 말이 맞으니까 하는거고 믿기를 바라는 건 당연하다 봄

“Instead, do your best to come to the conversation with humility and grace,

and openness and curiosity and generosity of spirit.

And if we do that, we have a lot less chances of having a response //that is defensive.

Intent is half the battle.”

자기방어로 반응 안 하도록 대화를 유도하자는 의도는 대화의 목적 달성의 절반에 해당하는 중요한 사안이다

비슷한 예문 Starting is half the battle. 시작이 반이다

우리도 복음을 전할 때 내 믿음을 ram it down 상대방의 목구멍에 밀어 넣는 오만함으로 한다면 반발은 예고된 수순이라

자기방어가 나오지 않는 방향으로 유화적으로 해야 효과적이겠지만 누군가에게는 성령님의 강권으로 강권도 필요하므로

어떤 방법으로 하든지 진리이신 성령 하나님의 도우심으로 하는 것이 최고/최상 천상의 대화방법일 것이다